One of my favorite books for honing social skills is The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane.

After skimming through it recently, I came across a portion of the book that describes an effective conversation technique that involves asking questions, which we know is a crucial component of building attraction. A summary:

  • Primarily ask open-ended questions. Closed questions can be answered by yes or no. An open-ended question requires additional detail in the answer. For example, “What was it like growing up there?”

  • Focus on keeping your questions focused on positive or interesting subjects. People will associate you with the feelings your conversation generates.

If you ask mundane or negative questions about her ex or absent father, for example, she will associate you with those negative feelings. Focus on questions that will elicit positive emotions.

  • Bounce back technique: If they start asking about you, to re-focus the conversation back on them, answer the question with a fact, add a personal note and redirect the question back to them.

This helps prevent the conversation from becoming an interview, while still maintaining the focus on them. You don’t have to be entirely formulaic, you always want to be natural and un-rehearsed as possible.

An example the author provides:

Date: “So where are you moving to?” You: “San Diego [fact]. I fell in love with the music and food there [personal note]. What do you think of the neighborhood [redirect]?”

  • Women should be doing 70-80% of the talking on your first several dates. It’s about keeping the spotlight on them as long as possible, providing some insight into yourself as well, but in limited capacity to convey that learning about you is a process, that you aren’t needy and over share on the first date.

  • Just don’t ask questions robotically without intent. You should be genuinely interested in getting to know her, instead of focusing on which question to ask her next, and listening with half of your attention. You must actively listen and remember details of what she is telling you. Being able to recall these details later will be important in her opening up to you, both emotionally and physically.

  • When answering her questions, answer in a fun, positive manner, even if the question is difficult. If she asks you about why your last relationship ended, end the answer with what you learned from the relationship and how it’s helped you grow.

She will also associate you with emotions based on your answers as well. If your answers are primarily negative, or you complain constantly, she will associate you with those emotions.

References: The Charisma Myth, pgs. 123-125