I keep seeing people having questions pertaining to conversation, whether it's how to banter/tease or how to fill in awkward conversation gaps, so I'm going to break down how to improve your conversation skills.

I like to see conversation in 3 sections: Small talk, banter/teasing, and establishing emotional ties.

I. Small Talk

First off, small talk is not necessarily a "barrier" for you to get past all the time, in that it can just be filler for what you're really communicating with your body language. As you know in clubs, you don't sit down on the dancefloor criss-cross applesauce and start asking your target about her life goals and what it was like to grow up with an abusive dad. It's about the vibe you're giving off, and you can successfully hook with conveying the vibe of "I'm interested in you" through strong eye contact, a smile, kino, and confident/leading body language. You don't even have to be in a wild dance-club situation to do this. If you can properly vibe the message, "I'm interested in you" through your body language, then you've already begun seducing your target without saying anything. This example by Liam McRae is a good demonstration.

As for keeping small talk going if you have problems with awkward silences, conversation threading is the answer to your problems. In general, speak with pauses to build tension and to give yourself time to think, preventing any conversations from dying in the first place.

Anyhow, in the case that you do come across a dead conversation, don't be the one to fill in the silence first. Instead, you have two options, and both are equally good; it just depends on the situation for you to decide:

  • A) Revel in the silence; learn to keep your eye contact, smirk, and love the tension building up between you and your target.

  • B) Keep your eye contact and give a look that says "Well, what else have you got?" It's not your job to put in all the effort in the conversation; your target should be investing too and doing her part. After all, you should be getting to know her as much as she's getting to know you.

II. Banter/Teasing

There are 2 common problems people have with banter/teasing: Having too little and having too much.

For you guys that have too little and don't know where to start or how to be funny/witty, here's a great 2-part guide on teasing/banter that's been written: Part 1 Part 2 Banter/wit is all about practice; the more you practice the quicker you come up with witty responses and the better they are. Eventually you'll be reflexively responding with funny lines.

Role-playing is great for teasing/banter too; you can start off with a line like "Oh my god you're cheating on me?" in an exaggerated tone of voice when your target taps someone on the shoulder for example, and she can fall into that reality, responding with something along the lines of "I'm sorry I thought you weren't watching" while you respond with something else that continues the fake "play" theme.

A lot of the guys who have too much don't even realize it; they think they're doing well with a bunch of banter and kino, until they get LMR or get denied a close. Why does this happen? It's because they haven't built enough comfort and established an emotional connection with vulnerability on both sides. Which leads us to our next point:

III. Establishing Emotional Ties

Establishing emotional ties creates comfort, has both you and your target show each other your vulnerable sides, and is necessary if you want to have a lasting relationship of any kind with anybody, whether it be a friendship or a romantic involvement. How do you create emotional ties? You already know: show your vulnerability and experience hers.

Experiencing your target's vulnerability is easy: get into the mindset of "I wonder what she's like" as put by /u/TofuTofu. Put this into action by:

  • A) Asking "why?" She moved to Chicago as a kid? Why? She hates dogs? Why? Her favorite food is lasagna? Why?

  • B) Having screening questions that determine whether your target is a fit for you or not and/or reveal herself as a person. My personal 3 I use the most are:

-What her passions are

-What it was like to grow up as her

-What her relationship with her parents is

As for showing your own vulnerable side, ask yourself these questions and be ready to present them and put your true self on the spot.

  • A) Saying "because." I don't use a lot of profanity because...

it reminds me of my brother. He was the nicest guy ever, volunteering at homeless shelters and teaching kids with Down's syndrome how to read. He always had a bad habit of swearing too much, and one day it really got him into trouble when we were in a bad neighborhood and he playfully called me a SOB across the street. Someone thought my brother was talking to him instead, and he pulled out a pistol and shot him. I was traumatized by the experience and hearing unnecessary profanity always makes me a little sick inside.

  • B) Knowing yourself and being able to share pieces of yourself. Writing down and figuring out your passions in life, telling about pieces of your childhood in the form of interesting anecdotes, and describing your family relationships honestly, for example, are ways you can be prepared to share your own self with others.

Cool, now you two have shared pieces of each other. Now what?

CONNECT and find SIMILARITIES. Say two friendships in two parallel universes are exactly the same, except in one of them the two friends both love running and can talk about it for hours, training together for marathons weekly, while in the other the two friends share no common passions/interests. Obviously, the first friendship is going to last longer and be more closely intertwined with more of an emotional connection and more to talk about in general.

Ultimately, you can be as interesting/funny as you want with banter, witty lines, and escalation, but if you can't establish an emotional connection, you're not going to go anywhere in terms of an interpersonal relationship.

I hope you guys enjoyed this. If you have any questions feel free to ask.