First off, it's important to realize that the audience of people you've posed this question to, are often coming from a place with a lot of baggage.
That's going to bias the results you get.
2
I’ve (24f) been seeing a guy (22m) for a couple months. We haven’t really been clear with our intentions or feelings, really only talked about what we were looking for when we first met.
Can you clarify this?
What did you both say you were looking for when you first met? (In as close to exact wording as you can remember.)
How did you meet exactly?
How often do you see each other?
Have you each introduced each other to your friend groups?
3
Point of order: if you've waited months without hashing out what's going on here, then that's on you.
You should be prepared for the very real possibility that he's just one of those people who doesn't really know how to clearly communicate that he wants casual only.
It's not uncommon for people to not want a relationship but also not want something that's quite as trashy as a one-night stand. A fair number of people out there actually want a casual thing that just recurs with someone they're familiar with. We just don't always know how to negotiate such things very well.
It's important to realize, that if that's what he is, he's not someone you can convert into a serious relationship. If that's what you really want, and that's not what he wants, then you need to be prepared to let him go.
4
I’m wondering how I might go about asking him where he sees this going and if he is actually interested in me.
Point blank: If you're looking for a healthy relationship with good communication, then there's no special code or method for doing what you're asking.
If you want to know where he sees this going and what he wants, etc then you just have to ask him.
But there's a way to do it that is more constructive, I think.
Do casually lead into the topic by starting off with something positive like telling him that you enjoy hanging out with him, etc.
Segue into the main topic shortly after that by mentioning that you're not sure exactly where he's at but you'd like to know, and tell him where you're at.
Don't lead into this conversation by telling him, "You need to talk to him." You will unintentionally place more importance over this talk than there needs to be.
Broach the subject at a chill time. Perhaps the morning after if you guys are still hooking up.
Be prepared for an answer that you don't like. It may be that he just isn't looking for a relationship. That's no one's fault.
The basic overall point is that you need to be clear, concise, to the point, and unapologetic. In a nice way, it is basically you telling him, take it or leave it.
5
I’m thinking of doing this over text, as we probably won’t see each other for another week.
Oh god no. Don't do this.
I know it must be eating you up a little bit, but handling something like this over text is a terrible idea because there's so many different ways texts can be misinterpreted.
It sucks, but you should wait until you're both together in person.
We met on bumble. He said he was open to anything, I said I didn’t want anything casual.
You were pretty clear about what you wanted.
He gave you a really wishy-washy answer of the sort given by people who want casual but don't want to rock the boat when they realize the other person may not want it.
People like that will try to keep things going as long as possible even though they realize on some level that the other person doesn't want casual, for a variety of reasons:
They may hold beliefs that no one really wants casual and that they must be tricked into it. Which is false.
They may not have the confidence to just come out and say what they want.
Etc.
2
We’ve been seeing each other about once a week for the past two months (except these last few weeks since we’ve both been busy).
Once a week is a smidge much than he should be going for. He clearly wants casual but seeing you once a week is definitely going to help confuse the issue even more.
3
We haven’t introduced each other to our friend groups. I invited him out once, but the plans weren’t solid and I never followed up with him.
If you guys had already mixed friend groups by now, that would usually be an indication that he's looking for something serious.
4
We also haven’t slept together yet.
If you haven't slept together, that would be one reason why a casual person would start fading out. You described that you haven't seen him much the past 2 months.
You said that you have been busy but he has been too. I would wager that some of his busyness is just him being a casual person tired of not getting casual sex.
**"5***
I will definitely do this in person, your walk through really helped lol
I would honestly say though based on what you've already said, that he's just a casually minded guy who was trying to get in there even though you said you weren't looking for casual.
The problem is that a lot of girls pay lip service to the idea that they aren't looking for something casual but then they go for it anyway because of things like low self-esteem.
So some guys get the wrong idea and think that girls don't really mean it when they say they aren't looking for something casual.
6
If you really think he's cool enough to go to the trouble, then yeah you could bring it up the next time you're around him.
But honestly, he already sounds like he's just looking for casual and if that's not what you're looking for, then you could probably just fade out and it wouldn't make any difference.
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1
First off, it's important to realize that the audience of people you've posed this question to, are often coming from a place with a lot of baggage.
That's going to bias the results you get.
2
Can you clarify this?
What did you both say you were looking for when you first met? (In as close to exact wording as you can remember.)
How did you meet exactly?
How often do you see each other?
Have you each introduced each other to your friend groups?
3
Point of order: if you've waited months without hashing out what's going on here, then that's on you.
You should be prepared for the very real possibility that he's just one of those people who doesn't really know how to clearly communicate that he wants casual only.
It's not uncommon for people to not want a relationship but also not want something that's quite as trashy as a one-night stand. A fair number of people out there actually want a casual thing that just recurs with someone they're familiar with. We just don't always know how to negotiate such things very well.
It's important to realize, that if that's what he is, he's not someone you can convert into a serious relationship. If that's what you really want, and that's not what he wants, then you need to be prepared to let him go.
4
Point blank: If you're looking for a healthy relationship with good communication, then there's no special code or method for doing what you're asking.
If you want to know where he sees this going and what he wants, etc then you just have to ask him.
But there's a way to do it that is more constructive, I think.
Do casually lead into the topic by starting off with something positive like telling him that you enjoy hanging out with him, etc.
Segue into the main topic shortly after that by mentioning that you're not sure exactly where he's at but you'd like to know, and tell him where you're at.
Don't lead into this conversation by telling him, "You need to talk to him." You will unintentionally place more importance over this talk than there needs to be.
Broach the subject at a chill time. Perhaps the morning after if you guys are still hooking up.
Be prepared for an answer that you don't like. It may be that he just isn't looking for a relationship. That's no one's fault.
The basic overall point is that you need to be clear, concise, to the point, and unapologetic. In a nice way, it is basically you telling him, take it or leave it.
5
Oh god no. Don't do this.
I know it must be eating you up a little bit, but handling something like this over text is a terrible idea because there's so many different ways texts can be misinterpreted.
It sucks, but you should wait until you're both together in person.
[–]Dizzy_Fall8097 0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[+]recyclablebanthas1 points [recovered] [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
1
You were pretty clear about what you wanted.
He gave you a really wishy-washy answer of the sort given by people who want casual but don't want to rock the boat when they realize the other person may not want it.
People like that will try to keep things going as long as possible even though they realize on some level that the other person doesn't want casual, for a variety of reasons:
They may hold beliefs that no one really wants casual and that they must be tricked into it. Which is false.
They may not have the confidence to just come out and say what they want.
Etc.
2
Once a week is a smidge much than he should be going for. He clearly wants casual but seeing you once a week is definitely going to help confuse the issue even more.
3
If you guys had already mixed friend groups by now, that would usually be an indication that he's looking for something serious.
4
If you haven't slept together, that would be one reason why a casual person would start fading out. You described that you haven't seen him much the past 2 months.
You said that you have been busy but he has been too. I would wager that some of his busyness is just him being a casual person tired of not getting casual sex.
**"5***
I would honestly say though based on what you've already said, that he's just a casually minded guy who was trying to get in there even though you said you weren't looking for casual.
The problem is that a lot of girls pay lip service to the idea that they aren't looking for something casual but then they go for it anyway because of things like low self-esteem.
So some guys get the wrong idea and think that girls don't really mean it when they say they aren't looking for something casual.
6
If you really think he's cool enough to go to the trouble, then yeah you could bring it up the next time you're around him.
But honestly, he already sounds like he's just looking for casual and if that's not what you're looking for, then you could probably just fade out and it wouldn't make any difference.
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