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[–]TheCinnamonBoi 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
No
[–]HappinesSource 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
I understand what you are saying, but if that man has been caring and simply didn't know how to provide for your deeper needs, he deserves your respect, don't sneak around his back looking for a replacement...
Try to discuss your feelings with him. If he doesn't change, go together to marriage counselling. If that doesn't work either, break up and only then look for another man.
[–]Loveshumility 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Appreciate your response. And that is where am at. Just wanting a desire for better without animosity or resentment.
He does not want to do harm, he is just stuck in the way he has always done things and because that has worked for him, he see’s no reason to change.
My plan really is to make this transition for all of us as peaceful and amicable as possible.
[–]Loveshumility 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Thank you for your advice. I have no intention of sneaking around. This is my first ever public post, am seriously considering divorce.
He won’t go to therapy never has, he stonewalls me and the kids if we try to have any deep conversations, he never wants to talk about our feelings.
He thinks our marriage is fine as long as he provides financially, we can all leave him alone. He gets home and hops onto his computer or tv for hours and gets angry when we try to talk.
He ignores all of us and only comes alive if there is a money discussion and even then it’s him doing the ranting and I should listen/nod and agree with everything he has to say.
There is no intimacy, sex is only on his terms and a release for him.
In 18 years he has never bought me a birthday present and our anniversary is a day I dread!!
I am thinking of divorcing him…
[–]DaydreamingMister 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
I am sorry for your trouble.
Some thoughts for your consideration:
-A good man (which is what presumably you'd want in a platonic friend as well as in a romantic partner) is one who knows that the last thing he should do is start bonding with an unhappily married woman that is opening herself up emotionally to men other than her husband.
I wouldn't go near a woman in your situation.
-First comes becoming divorced and being totally free & clear to start something with a great man. (A good man deserves that in a woman, and he does not invite unnecessary drama into his life by entertaining taken women.) Finding such a man and giving things a chance with him comes after divorce.
-And with all that in place...
For a divorced woman who values 'friendship, genuine companionship, laughter, someone to volunteer with, family values'… and who works hard and takes care of her mind & body - she would run across me and find the desired fun, peaceful, great communicator (prepared to also rock her in bed, if we're honest Haha).
[–]Loveshumility 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
Thank you for your response, very well said mmhh food for thought…I wouldn’t have thought of myself as having drama … but it makes sense as I re-read my post.
Interesting. I will keep it up fo longer to get different perspectives.
But my push back is it ok to want a male friend just to kick it with ( I think I already know the answer but would like to hear your response:)
[–]DaydreamingMister 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Understandable.
My opinion is that you may find it to be asking quite a lot for a great man with a listening ear/a shoulder he'll let you cry on to connect like that with you emotionally, over time, and not start to think about more with you.
Likewise, it might be a situation of tempting yourself if you explore something so special with a man, outside of your current marriage. A therapist, female friends, or one of your parents would be a good outlet instead.
Anyways, all the best to ya.
[–]Loveshumility 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Sensible advise. Thanks.
[–]HappinesSource 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I see... Well, if you have played your part to improve the marriage and he isn't willing to correspond you, I'd say that it is time to worry about your own happiness. From what you tell, your husband clearly has inner issues related with a very fragile emotional intelligence. You can rest assured that he is the only one in power to improve that area.
All that should matter to you is to separate in the way that is less harmful to your children. Be understanding of your husband and keep in mind at all times his virtues and good will (because it seems obvious that he doesn't want to do bad, he is unable to do better), just explain to him that you have tried to fight for the relationship and simply can't pull all the weight by yourself.
You should not feel guilty about wanting a partner who understands relationships in the same way that you do.
[–]WeakEmu8 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This isn't tinder.
Go find someone to cheat with elsewhere.
Not looking to cheat, just a friend… thank you for your post:)
[–]HalfInflatedDogLord 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
That is really unfortunate. How old are your boys? How much of this situation have you addressed with your husband? And most importantly: if you go ahead with a divorce, what resources/support do you have that will help you with you and your boys?
[–]Loveshumility 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Boys are 15 and 12… he doesn’t want to talk ever, if I bring up feelings and deep conversations he becomes a raging person.
For as long as we talk surface stuff, he is fine with it.
Am not worried in terms of resources, my issue is how the boys will be. Thinking of putting them in therapy.
[–]HalfInflatedDogLord 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
If you feel that you and the boys will be safe, that's priority one. Maybe start with a separation and let the boys know the situation. Then ask the boys if they are interested in doing something like therapy. I guess if during the separation your husband doesn't work to make things better then divorce is just going to happen.
I know you weren't asking for advice in your post, but I've known and helped women with children deal with divorce and break ups. There are many difficulties.
Meantime, I could offer text/messaging friendship if you like. Be safe.
Thank you for your kind words.
I appreciate your thoughtfulness. Am so lost as I kept hoping he would change. But what I know now is that he cannot or does not want to change.
And when I envision the rest of my life, I cannot see him in it.
Interestingly enough people come to me for advice and encouragement on how to move on from toxic relationships.
Yet I am in one so I feel like a fraud.
He also adores my 12 year old and fights and ignores my 15 year old who calls him out on his behavior.
Am so confused, should I break up my family?
My 12 year old would be devastated I think, but yet the model he is getting from his father is not really healthy.
[–]Jhadiro 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You can find many men like that. But they likely won't be rich. Men like that hold other things in life to a higher value than money.
Good to know.
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[–]TheCinnamonBoi 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]HappinesSource 0 points1 point2 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]Loveshumility 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Loveshumility 0 points1 point2 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]DaydreamingMister 0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Loveshumility 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]DaydreamingMister 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Loveshumility 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]HappinesSource 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]WeakEmu8 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Loveshumility 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]HalfInflatedDogLord 0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Loveshumility 1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]HalfInflatedDogLord 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Loveshumility 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Loveshumility 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Jhadiro 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Loveshumility 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link