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[–][deleted] 71 points72 points73 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
You have to really find the confidence within yourself. Which is a task for people with deep rooted self esteem issues. Nobody completely has a perfect self esteem with zero insecurities but it is true that some people sway more towards the positive side of the spectrum.
This is all inner game stuff. It doesn’t matter if 20 hot girls are attracted to you, if you aren’t attracted to you. It is all about you. The more you work on yourself the better you will feel which will translate naturally when interacting with females.
[–]loofyd 13 points14 points15 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Massive advice !
[–][deleted] 7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Sounds like he’s got to do some soul searching. Which can be intense and difficult to navigate.
Try and pinpoint what is making him feel so negatively and improve on that. Find his why. Find what makes him feel fulfilled and better.
Sure, he could apply some phoney pick up techniques at the bar. They could possibly help him get some numbers on the bed but it goes deeper than that for certain individuals. It’s a whirlwind of a rabbit hole.
I’m not saying manipulative facade based pick up techniques don’t work because they will help you get laid, but I personally prefer trying to keep the flirting natural and drawing on genuine inner confidence.
[–]loofyd 3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Totally agree
I hate to admit it but i might have some underlying issues of my own
And boy am I scared to do the soul searching, but it has to be done and i better start now !
Its amazing how learning seduction and game makes you lay out a self improvement journey that has to be cathartic and some what of a self-healing experience
I really hope we can navigate through this
This is bigger that just picking up chicks and flirting with girls
We really have to evolve ourselves into a permanently better version, a vastly better individual ..
Hope full it can be done !
It will be !
[–]Papi_Lazlo 23 points24 points25 points 5 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link
Let's say you were going to initiate a conversation with a girl at a bar, she gives you a look with her eyes that you match then she looks away. You have 3 seconds to walk up to her from the front or side then say literally anything you want. If you take longer then 3 seconds you'll let the anxiety build-up and be less likely to approach her.(Mystery Method) Come in with high energy and adjust it if hers is lower.
"Hi, how are you?" "Hey what drink is that?" "Hey we haven't met yet, what's your name?"
Now you're probably thinking, wow those are the most boring conversation starters ever, why would she want to talk with me? Imagine someone had come up to you and the first thing they say is ,"Hi, how are you?" Any normal socialised human will respond accordingly and ask the same question back.
BOOM you just approached and opened up a conversation with this girl. You made an encounter with a girl but there's a bit more work to be done. From this point you can take the conversation literally anywhere you want. Just don't go into interview mode asking question after question.
A better way to find out about her is by making assumptions on her life based on any crumb of information. If she's wearing pink you could say, "You seem like the type of person who gets their nails and eyebrows done twice a week." She'll give you her answer and you'll learn some of her values. Maybe she'll ask why you thought that and you'll give your reason "You're wearing pink and I believe that's a confident and feminine colour so I thought you like pampering up." Whether you're right or wrong about the assumption doesn't matter, you get to know her better. This the same as teasing too but don't go overboard attacking her personally.
Share a funny story about how you left your toast in the toaster or you poured yourself a bowl of cereal then opened the fridge and there was no milk. Everybody has an experience like this and she'll understand how you feel about the situation and may even share something she experienced similar to that.
It's really important to listen when they're talking and not interrupt them. Change the topic when the conversation has been on the same subject for too long.
The conversation will flow with you two learning about each other and laughing about the funny stories being shared. You're forming a connection by understanding each other's stories and underlying emotions. This works on both guys and girls so try it out.
If she doesn't reply to your first words then repeat them in case she didn't hear you. You don't need to hang around people that don't value your time and what you have to say so if they're showing disinterest after the approach then just say you've to go to your friends and it was nice meeting you. Go meet with your friends or do another approach.
If you feel like you can't talk to girls at bars or clubs then start with customer service workers and get comfortable approaching and talking with them.
This is all to help you approach a girl you're attracted to. If conversation is going well you can escalate in a new environment but I'll leave that information out for now.
Start with, "Hi how are you?" and go from there. You got this dude just keep practising.
[–]kelseysays26 6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (13 children) | Copy Link
No offence but if a guy said to me you look like you’re the type of girl who gets her nails done twice a week or that you like pampering up because I’m wearing pink I would prob immediately assume you were a complete sleaze. Rightly or wrongly, it’s just something some slime ball would say at a bar.
[–]Papi_Lazlo 4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link
Assumptions are risky and can come off as sleazy or judgemental. It's up to you and your observational skills to come up with good guesses about the girls values. From u/kelseysays26's response it obviously pays better to be more humorous with your assumptions. If you're wrong and she gives you IOD's just brush it off and continue talking about whatever you want. If she's offended and keeps bringing the conversation back to that assumption just be sincere and tell her you were only guessing. Don't let her shit test break you down, stand strong and move on. As always if she keeps giving you IOD's and no IOI's then tell her it was nice meeting her and leave.
You're only new to approaching so don't get to stuck on thinking of what to say and instead engage and listen in carefully to the conversation.
[–]kelseysays26 -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link
Why make assumptions at all, just go say hey and ask her what brings her out tonight or something.
[–]Papi_Lazlo 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link
Those are good things to say as openers. The assumption IS NOT an opener, its used during the middle of conversation used to replace a question and play a guessing game with her. Everybody loves playing games.
[–]kelseysays26 -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
We’ll have to agree to disagree, every example you have given so far doesn’t seem like something that would appeal to any of my friends or me.
[–]Papi_Lazlo 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
Agree to disagree. There are plenty of ways to make a conversation interesting and engaging with women. What are some of the things you would like guys to do or guys have done in the past, mid conversation, that has appealed to you and your friends?
[–]kelseysays26 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
Humour obviously always works. I think authenticity is the main thing. Maybe it’s because you’re giving another guy advice it’s going to sound formulaic. Sometimes you can just tell a guy is “trying” and it’s really off putting.
Just being upfront and funny is the best. My boyfriend came up to me shook my hand, introduced himself and said that our mutual friend had told him about one of my hobbies. He then left to go to another bar and sent me an add on social media. It was short and sweet but very confident. No games.
[–]earsurgery9 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I think papi is trying to be helpful and nothing against him, but I kind of agree with you, to be honest.
I often find so much of the advice to be a bit cringy and weird on here.
I think it's because people are now actively trying to avoid to have a 'normal' conversation as they are taught that it's boring ('don't run interview mode bro!!') and so they avoid asking her name/what she does etc and instead try to do other things (cold reads, forced 'teases' and pushpull lines and stuff) because they think that this is 'game' and is somehow more powerful than the alternative
But it's just not the case. If anything it can make them look slight ABnormal which isn't ideal on a cold appraoch. Nothing is 'powerful' when it comes to this stuff. You can't make a girl attracted to you
You're better off just being normal and throwing the PUA books away - it's fairly obvious within seconds whether a girl is attracted/interested in you or not. And you can't change her mind.
So just be normal and don't overthink it all. Say 'hi', what's up. What's your name, what are you up too tonight etc.
This stuff isn't hard - it's just a numbers game
[–]kelseysays26 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You’ve articulated what I’ve been trying to say much better than I did.
[–]TheRealConine 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Having a mutual friend makes an opening significantly easier.
[–]kelseysays26 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Well yeah that’s true but they didn’t introduce us, he just asked him who I was. The point is that a basic greeting and generic questions aren’t necessarily boring. You don’t need a game plan which comes accrues as inauthentic and very off putting
[–]Papi_Lazlo 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Those are both great things which can be used at the same time by sharing a funny story you were involved in. I agree it's very formulaic and looks weird in detail but it does shine when you're both sharing stories and laughing together.
That's very smooth, it's good that you both had a mutual friend and a mutual hobby. Makes the conversation topics a lot smoother and straightforward.
Unfortunately for OP he wants to approach girls he doesn't have any connections with so he just needs to use confidence and find ways to connect with the girl. If you know of any way to find mutual interests besides what do you like to do for fun, please share them with OP. It would make it a lot easier for him to continue conversation that way.
I just think out right asking is grand. Sometimes I think people over think it. A guy walking up saying hi, asking about your night and asking what you’re in to is just fine. When they come up and start trying to be smooth it’s a bit cringy. You’ll either be into them or you won’t.
[–]AMorganH 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
My now SO actually picked me up with the smoothest conversation starter I had ever seen ( was about52 at the time). She was in a large group of women and as I was wailing by , she simply looked at me, made eye contact and said, Hi, who are you?" I told her and she responded with, "Do you want to sit down and ave a glass of wine?" I did and we talked until late into that night. Been married 23 years now.
Moral of the story: just start talking like you do with any of your other friends. Ask open ended questions and invite them to talk and tell you about themselves.
[–]Papi_Lazlo 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Beautifully said by your SO. I love the confidence and comfort they provided instantly by sharing their wine.
[–]HvideRiddere 10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I’m (19) kind of in the same situation as you but without the anxiety. I had a 1-week bender around graduation with constant partying where i really opened up and just started not caring about anything and got with several girls that week. Then it kinda just faded away and i went back to being the same as before, but with the knowledge that I am capable of doing it, but I just can’t find the mental right now. It’s gonna take a long time to work on, but it’s getting better.
One thing you could try is going out with friends and acting as a wingman and ONLY a wingman. If you don’t have intentions of getting with the girls you’re talking to, you’ll feel way more relaxed and it won’t matter if you screw up - then it’ll simply make the other guy look better. This way you get used to talking to girls without the fear of rejection cause you simply weren’t interested in the first place and then there really is nothing to lose
[–]adultleagueallstar71 19 points20 points21 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I feel the same way. I have a lot of anxiety from getting bullied when I was in middle school. I am a good looking guy but I just can’t talk to attractive girls without extreme anxiety unless I am super hammered and or high
[–]Icr711 5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Dude! Just start. Go ahead and flub. You’ll learn and progress. No one starts out perfect. You’ve got the chops. I guarantee you, you’ll be flagellating yourself from age 40 till dead if you don’t bite the bullet now and get the learning under your belt. Pay your dues! Reap the rewards!!
[–]hakeem15 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
t
This is A1. The first step to being great at something is sucking at it
[–]Sunlitstream264 8 points9 points10 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
21M similar to you being introverted and going out and here’s what little advice I can give. If there’s pool/pong or something at the bar to do besides drinking go there, get good at it. Use it to invite girls over to you or interact with the ones near that area. Also for the love of everything holy because this is a big flaw for me, if they are doing their part of the conversation get their number or Snapchat, preferably number but you know you gotta feel the situation out. Just say hey I enjoyed the conversation, can I get your number/snap? Then text them to set up lunch or something. Be aware though that a lot of women at the bars are super fake and will ghost and leave you on read. If they do that don’t stress just move on. Bonus tip: Talk to the staff a bit and let them know you are chill, bartenders, be sure to give them a small tip even if you get something non alcoholic. It helps them see you as friendly and if they talk to you and ask why you are there casually bring up looking for women and they can help you out. Smaller bonus to this, you could also get in for free if they like you. I’m friendly with the staff at the bar I hang out at and go there frequently so they’ve been letting me in for free recently. Final thing: It’s all a numbers game and besides making improvements where needed remember be confident and have fun!
[–]retspih 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Always remember, if a girl rejects you its as much about her as it is about you.
It doesnt feel this way but,, it is not personal, it is about personal taste.
Finally, if she rejects you within 5 minutes you probably weren't compatible. Points for saving time in the long run. Go do something with that time.
Good Luck
[–]dragon_loyalty 6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Well, it depends on what's the problem. Why do you feel uncomfortable? Do you put woman on a pedestal and/or fear rejection? You have to over come those and come to the bar in the right mindset.
Let's be honest most of the time girls won't remember the first thing said to them. It's about get a conversation going. If you catch one giving you a look, walk over and call them out or just say anything. A complement or oberservation. Hell, I've seem guys throw an insult before. But once the conversation is open it's easy going.
[–]REMO_Williams1985 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is a confidence issue. How do you build confidence? Simple, know yourself. Confidence is a man that is sure he can handle issues that arise. A confident man is not interested in every woman, he's not desparate or needy. He doesn't NEED anyone. He's not arrogant or an asshole. He knows himself. What he likes, what he dislikes. He's honest because he does not need to lie to impress anyone. A confident man has no need to brag, doesn't need to impress. You have to have goals and be making daily moves to achieve those goals. Confident that you will achieve your objectives. When in a Bar situation quite overthinking things and don't hesitate. If your attracted to someone just say hi. If she's interested she will contribute to the conversation. You don't need to buy her a drink or flatter her. If you guys have a connection you will know pretty quickly. Flirting is an art and it can be fun. If your rejected always be gracious, be unaffected. Rejection is your friend and can save you a lot of time. But you never know the girl that isn't interested, may introduce you to a woman that is.
[–][deleted] 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
[permanently deleted]
[–]Tom1380 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
The last sentence: do you mean that any girl who is 5'11+ will jump him, or that any guy who is 5'11+ will get jumped by girls?
[–]playingandrealityxxx 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Girls like guys taller than them, it's science
[–]Tom1380 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yeah but they aren't rare, I don't think just being tall will make girls jump you
[–]Tom1380 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I wish it did though
[–]Appropriate_Ad3327 -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You got a pic for urself?
[–]latinaut 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Also an abuse survivor.
While everyone deals with insecurity, I think a lot of people underestimate how much abuse and psychological trauma can even worse fuck up and distort a person's sense of self.
I consider myself pretty average looking but I have dealt with bullying and abuse all my life, being called ugly worthless etc. which heavily impacts how I interact with people and shot my confidence when it comes to relationships at all.
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