Different love languages: What would you do if one of your love languages is giving gifts and your hypothetical person doesn't have the same love languages?

What if a person you were interested in had a different love language than yourself? For instance, one of my love languages is giving gifts. I love finding the perfect, little surprise for my partner anytime of the year. I also love cooking and planning meals, making stuff, creating stuff, and finding the perfect gifts for family and friends that has a lot of thought and effort.

I find that when men make the effort to find something really nice for me or else create something beautiful in return, that makes me feel loved and appreciated.

I do not consider myself a materialistic person, but I happen to appreciate beautiful things that appeal to my aesthetics, although I probably hoard too many books, shoes and handbags lol (something I've been working on).

I don't like cars and I don't particularly like driving, but if I had a car, I would want to get a vintage meticulously kept 1960s Porsche as opposed to a brand new BMW X-5 or Tesla or whatever. I also happen to like browsing antiques, and it's a minor hobby of mine. I like to find the beautiful in old things especially from the 1920s and 1940s era. I also have a high appreciation for art, and love when friends gift me paintings and photographs.

If a man were to take a lot of time to design the perfect ring or bracelet or another piece of jewellery for me, I would find it really special due to the thought and time he had put into it as opposed to simply picking up some cookie-cutter expensive ring from some hyped up shop which everyone else has.

Or if I mentioned a book I had wanted, and months later he located it and got it for me as a surprise, I would be absolutely delighted. Or even if he was traveling abroad for work and found some organic perfume at a random shop and he brought it back for me because he was thinking of me, I would absolutely love it.

But let's say there was a hypothetical person you were interested in, and his or her love language isn't gift giving and this person actually had a repulsion towards gift giving, is the relationship doomed? lol

[–]pokemonpokemonmario 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link

[–]Artist-in-Residence-[S] 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link

You love language isn't giving gifts, it's receiving them. You can still enjoy giving gifts but if your partner gets nothing out of it then it is a selfish act.

One's love language is how one both receives and gives love and appreciation, it isn't a one-way street.

I notice that a popular topic on dating and seduction threads is a woman makes a lot of effort in planning a party or something or another for her guy's birthday or anniversary whilst he makes zero effort for her special day and chooses to play video games instead. Hence, in this scenario, the woman isn't being selfish by taking a lot of preparation and showing her love through planning a party because she is making 100% of the effort, whilst the guy makes no effort at all. And I think most people would be inclined to think the man is the selfish one in this situation.

[–]pokemonpokemonmario 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link

So you think your partner should just accept the way you feel like showing love even if it is meaningless to them ? You don't think that's selfish?

s a woman makes a lot of effort in planning a party or something or another for her guy's birthday or anniversary whilst he makes zero effort for her special day

So do you not think that in this case the women made that effort for him in the hopes that he would do the same ? This situation would play out better if the woman just asked the people how he wants to receive love and acted accordingly instead just assuming he wants a party planned for him ? Just because the act it's self isn't for her doesn't mean her intensions qnd expectations are not selfish. If the woman clearly communicated what she wanted and expected from her man's love and he doesn't make qn effort to reach these expectations then he doesn't love her simple as that.

It's like giving a complement for the sole reason that you expect one in return.

My logic works the other way round where yours doesn't, Let's say a guys love language is physical touch does that mean he's excused from buying gifts because it isn't how he prefers to show love ? Anyone can see that this is selfish especially if his partners love language is gift giving.

[–]Artist-in-Residence-[S] 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link

When a guy's love language is physical touch, it usually means he likes being stroked, held hands, given hugs, and kissed often. I assume he will show his love in the same way to his partner which he hopes will be reciprocated. I imagine if he went to hug and kiss his partner, and she rejected him or brushed him off, he would feel pretty unloved and unappreciated.

So yes, the logic is exactly the same.

In fact, this very situation is the most common topic in couples in dead bedroom topics, where the man or woman's primarily love language is physical touch, but their physical affections are not being reciprocated.

[–]pokemonpokemonmario 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]Artist-in-Residence-[S] 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

Thats exactly what I'm saying.

Well good, then you agree with me.

The woman in this situation doesn't prefer to show love with physical touch and so chooses not to rather than think of what the man wants and she isn't getting any love out of the way he's showing it because touch isn't her love language, he should stop trying trying get touch with touch and communicate qnd find out what she does want and in return she should give him what he wants, if they actually love eachother.

Or maybe she does show affection with physical touch, but she also wanted to make his birthday special. The problem is he is the recipient of all her effort and gifts, whilst he plays video games all day long and does not make an effort to understand her love languages because he is preoccupied with video games...!

[–]pokemonpokemonmario 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–]Artist-in-Residence-[S] 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]pokemonpokemonmario 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]Artist-in-Residence-[S] 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

Yeah I like to give practical advice. I've found I learn alot about psychology and emotional intelligence by taking the time to try and understand someone's point of view and then help them see through the fog of their mind.

Well let's see how good you are!

What kind of advice would you give to the following people? And mind you, this is completely hypothetical, not based on real persons:

Subject 1: Male, 60s, history of bad relationships with women, anger issues, uses money as a form of control, but would like to fall in love with the right person.

However, he has a particular sexual kink in which he can only be turned on by dismissive and rude women who verbally abuse him due to childhood issues in which he had a bad relationship with his mother who had abandoned him. Very career driven and excellent at his job and admired by other men, but he secretly feels inferior to other men whom he views as more physically attractive than himself.

Subject 2: Male, 30s, history of pharmaceutical and recreational drug abuse, inability to form bonds with people, possibly due to side effects from medication, tends to be attracted to slightly unhinged women who need his advice and needs to be rescued, always looking for Ms. Perfect, not particularly motivated by sex but more interested in companionship and close friendship but dislikes a lot about himself because he's not quite sure about his next career steps and also because he has a child from a previous relationship and he's secretly ashamed he might be a bad parent.

What kind of advice would you give to these two hypothetical people if they asked you for your advice Mr. Pokemon?

[–]pokemonpokemonmario1 point 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Subject 1 needs therapy for the truma then to improve the quality of his relationships he should learn mindfulness and reflective listening. After practicing this for some time and essentially ironing out his character flaws while also streangthing his positive traits he should try dating again.

Subject 2 needs a dopamine detox and could also benefit from therapy that focuses on his regrets because if he feels like a bad parent he should be listening to this and making changes to not only be a better parent but also feel better about himself and therefore more confident and able to attack women with higher self-esteem. They should also try to improve the quality of the relationships they have currently before trying to date

These two are in similar mindsets where they see the issues in front of them as the cause of their problems rather than the cause of the issues being their character flaws and bad habits that stem from them, they're far from hopeless and with some consistent effort they could become the version of themselves they would like to be.

Edit: my grammar is awful 😛

[–]Artist-in-Residence-1 point 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

That seems like good advice, but would therapy really help them? My experience with therapists is that they often lead their patients to develop "victim" complexes, so that they are always in state of a victim mentality, hence limiting their self-agency and ability to change.

I agree that mindfulness, reflective listening might help the hypothetical subject 1, but it seems to me sometimes, the friends one surrounds himself with are the most influential and if he surrounds himself with people who are in similar toxic relationships, then there's really little ability for him to make any kind of meaningful change.

I do think you're right in that hypothetical subject 2 needs a dopamine or detox from all his medications. I also think perhaps hypothetical subject 2 is using drugs and relationships as a way to fill in the emotional void he has, but because he is so closed off from people getting to know the real him, he has many walls up due to his deep self-shame of not being able to be the successful go-getter breadwinner at this point in his life, which might be another blow to his ego and fuel his avoidant tendencies.

Yes, I imagine that usually happens when typing with your thumbs into your smartphone whilst attempting to do multiple things at once...!

[–][deleted] 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Artist-in-Residence-[S] 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]mightymite88 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

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