I’ve never done a field report before, I don’t even know if this is a proper one. However, as of this morning I feel great and I wanted to share.

I’ll preface this by saying I’ve never been good with women, I was awkward with people, I was overweight my entire life while weighing +320lbs at one point. All I did was play WoW and.. shit, I was awkward on there too. I used to grow up afraid to be around people because of what they thought of me. Naturally, this makes dating an incredibly difficult task because all I would do is sit online and hope the beautiful girl of my dreams would look past my overweight unkempt self and see me for the nice-loyal-has-no-passion-in-life-but-I-would-be-good-to-her-self.

Since this, and oddly enough getting on Reddit along with this sub, reading a few books like How to Win Friends and Influence People, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Models, The Game, and so on. I decided to give up smoking, WoW, intense gaming sessions, and bad eating habits (sort of). I ended up losing over 160lbs, I took up cycling and fell in love with it, took up the gym and fell in love with that too, went to college and fell in love with that, quit my mundane job and switched to a part time entry level to being a full time valuable team member in the IT industry as a system administrator. I was tired of waiting for shit to come to me so I made an effort every day to do something better for myself. (Read this, it’s fucking great! https://www.reddit.com/r/getdisciplined/comments/1q96b5/i_just_dont_care_about_myself/cdah4af)

Well, after being overweight for my entire life I don’t exactly have the body of a sexy hunk. I have loose skin in my mid-section that I’m incredibly self-conscience about. Doesn’t help that one day I was getting intimate with a woman and when the shirt and pants came off she was noticeably disgusted by my body. Talk about a mood killer (also, bitch), on top of that, I’m not exactly well endowed. The girl left me that night leaving me mentally damaged. I was worried on both fronts, I actually had my ex at one time say she was worried about my size because of how small it was. Here’s a Pro-Tip Guys: Your dick size does not matter a single fucking bit if the girl likes you and you can still have incredibly sex. Despite having inadequacies she still says I was one of her best sex partners ever, and my knowledge of this video (NFSW – http://www.xvideos.com/video531677/milf_nina_hartley_teaches_how_to_eat_pussy) and reading “She Comes First” I was also dubbed a master of the art. Well by her at least.

Anyways, on my journey I really started to become a people person, I’m still not great with people, I get anxiety, and I’m still incredibly bad at talking to women. I’m pretty damn certain I have ADHD, I act like an idiot, I dance like a dumbass, I have an infatuation with tacos, and I fucking love puns. I make my co-workers grown every meeting we have. I’ve instantly had a great conversation with a woman and ended it immediately after dropping some sick puns. I’ve been told many times I need to calm down, chill, relax, and be smooth. But it’s just not my personality, I can easily have a meaningful thought-provoking when it’s comes down to it, and at times I cannot shut the fuck up. (Example: This post)

So going on to my field report(s). The other week I go out, see some cute girl in a hat that said “PUSSY” in giant pink text. I say nice hat, go on with my normal dumb self and strike up a conversation with her. I was only going for a pint, because I wanted a pint. I had no intention of talking to women. What followed that night was me making out with the girl, going clubbing for the first time ever, having a girl grind all over me, making new friends, and unfortunately drank way too much. But I conquered some fears and had some fun on the way. Not a big deal, but far beyond my normal comfort zone. So this brings me up to last night, I was working late but I work downtown. I got slightly dressed up (You’d be surprised how well a button up shirt, matching and being tidy will get you) and the day before I got a haircut. (Another Pro Tip: Get a Barber. My barber is great, we’ve been friends for about 5 years now, I made friends in the process, and I even went to her wedding last summer.) I drag my co-worker out with me, who is reluctant to an extent due to him being married with a few kids, and because he was actually working, he was really skeptical about having that shot of vodka.. I go to one spot, have a pint, I drag him to another spot where there were more women. Have another pint and strike up a conversation about dumb shit to some cute girls. I simply asked if it was a worthwhile life skill to learn how to dance to song “Sugarhill Gang Apache (Jump On It)” like Fresh Prince, I also asked what she was drinking and if it was any good. Well they had no idea how the dance went, so to the best of my knowledge I got out of my seat and did the dance from my memories of watching Fresh Prince after I got out of school. We talk a bit more, but there was no interest. I strike out. Damn.

We go clubbing. For the most part I did nothing but hold up the wall. Sure it’s been there for generations and is backed by brick and steal, but you just never know. So I did the dirty job of making sure that fucking wall didn’t fall over on the dance floor. I end up breaking my fear and I ask some girls near me to dance. One of them is an 8, the other is closer to the bottom half of the number 8, that girl was “take one for the team” material. Shit I strike out on that too, but I don’t mind that damn much. We go to another club. I ask a couple other girls, I get a cold shoulder and a “don’t fucking talk to me” look. Strike 3 and I’m trying to bail. I leave the club kind of bummed out, and I was ready to call it quits. I suck at this shit, even after all this knowledge I’ve read throughout the years and making an effort even if it’s occasionally. I wait for my buddy to come back out. During this time I’m holding up the pillar on the outside of the club again being the unsung hero of the night by holding up the building.

This girl nearby strikes up a conversation with me, her friend is smashed as shit and she’s obviously a bit upset from babysitting. Her friend just turned 21 and she’s a train wreck. Falling all over the place this girl is drawing attention from the street police. She loses her shoe so I go help the drunk girl and her older friend out. I end up helping them get to an Uber ride by carrying the drunk train wreck to the car. Train wreck calls me cute and tries to kiss me, her older friend thinks I’m incredibly nice and I get her number. Well I’m fucking feeling a million times better! And bonus, I did my good deed for the day too! I start walking back and this amazingly cute lighter skinned black lady brushes her hand across me as I walk by. She’s a little drunk, but I say hi not knowing exactly wtf she was doing but damn she was cute so if she was getting my attention, I sure the hell better say something that did not include a pun. I end up asking her for her number (I’M ON A FUCKING ROLL), and for coffee. I literally just tell her that she’s beautiful and I would love to see her again when she’s a little less drunk, and I meant every word. I figured I had nothing to lose. She says yes, I’m smiling and continue the conversation, we are within kissing distance, so.. I do what I keep telling myself to do around women, and I kiss her. I’ve never met her. I’ve talked to her for less than 10 minutes, and I’m making out with an absolutely beautiful woman. That has never happened to me before. I still have no idea what the fuck just happened, but HOLY SHIT. THERE IS NOT A FUCKING CLOUD IN THE SKY BUT MY ASS IS STROLLING ON MOTHER FUCKING CLOUD 9. Her friends steal her away because her ride, and possibly boyfriend (not sure, her friends say it’s her bf), is there to pick her up.

I literally start hearing the song “Dru Down – Pimp of the Year” in my head and walk down the street with what I think some people call swagger. I’m not sure, I’m not sure if that’s still a thing or was ever a thing. Did I mention I’m a 33 year old white dude who would at one time be found as a high ranking commander of the Neckbeards? I’m still with my buddy and I’m wanting some fucking tacos. I figure end the night with a taco even though I’m not getting any pink taco. I’m near a food truck and this beautiful blonde bombshell overhears my conversation about tacos. She tells me where to get good tacos and goes with us and orders tacos in Spanish. We end up eating tacos, walking around, talking, and eventually we start kissing. All of this happened rather fast, and quiet honestly I have no idea what I did or said, but apparently it was something good. She even feed me a part of her taco all sexy like. That might not sound sexy, but she did that rub my lip thing with her finger and SHE GAVE ME HER FUCKING TACO. That alone is the embodiment of sexy. As I said earlier, I love tacos. Tacos even saved me from being a vegan. So to me “hot girl giving me her taco” closely translates to “bring this girl home to meet Mom.”

On a whim, my friend and I, and her and her two stoner friends walk back to her place after she invites us. The blonde bombshell and I walk alone and ahead, holding hands. She’s 24, and slightly taller me than me. Not but much but when we were kissing I was more flat-to-slightly tilting head up when kissing her, my self-conscience starts to come back to me, and we are walking through a sketchy neighborhood. Not to mention I hate weed and her friends are stoners. I try to get the self-conscience feeling go away, but it’s still there in the back of my mind. It did calm down but that was only because I felt like I was going to get mugged. We end up in her guest house, and we go up on her guest bed, and her friends are there and my friend is on the couch. They eventually leave. It’s me and the Blonde Bombshell. I’m worried. I have no condoms. I have loose skin. This girl could be with any guy she wants.. A better looking, more interesting, more successful guy. In the end we ended up not having sex, and I don’t even care. I did however stay the night, I held her, cuddled with her, talked to her, kissed her, rubbed my fingers through her hair and on her body. Something I’ve missed from a serious dry spell after a bad half year long injury. Just the scent and the touch of a woman is something I’ve longed for, to hold someone in my arms. Considering we didn’t have sex this was the most intimate moment I’ve experienced. We wake up a few hours later and do it again.

At this point the sunlight is in, and she sees me for who I am. She sees my loose skin. My cough gargantuan sized donkey dick. My flaws. Everything, and she doesn’t care. She could barely keep off me and I could barely keep off her. That might of all been way past the part of a normal Field Report, and maybe even a bit mushy, but the entire time with her felt amazing. Unfortunately she had to leave, so I had to leave. But I got her number, she told me to visit her at work, she wants another date. I walk my ass back to my car with less than an hour of sleep since 5AM Saturday Morning, get in my car and drive home with an incredible sense of accomplishment and write this out while jamming out to old school rap music feeling like a straight up G.

I have no idea if I’ll see this girl again, or any of the girls I talked to, but for today, I’m happy. Tired as fucking shit though.

TL;DR I’m happy I did something.