Inspired by another recent poast.

On 9 December it will have been five years since I had intercourse, and I'd like to avoid that milestone if at all possible. I'm not above seeking professional assistance, if you know what I mean, but my income is meager, and Christmas is around the corner, not to mention I live in a conservative area where laws against that sort of thing are rigorously enforced, therefore I'd prefer a "civilian" woman. The problem is that I have no experience with that kind of woman.

About me:

Pros --semi-educated (lib. arts bachelor) --decent face (Mom would never lie) --car (PoS, but runs) --recently lost and still losing a significant amount of weight (est. 24-48 lbs. so far)

Cons --31 y/o --underemployed (~8-12 hrs./week, interesting but not prestigious job) --shit-tier logistics (live 40 min. from the city w/ parents) --Aspergers (socially blind, don't make eye contact, introverted, poor conversationalist, etc.) --out of date wardrobe (in terms of fashion and fit) --short (5'7.5") --still fat ("a few extra pounds", not obese)

I've gone out to nightclubs the last few weekends in the vague hope of something happening, but hip hop music, drunk persons, and crowds are my three least favorite things in the world, so I end up just sitting there talking to no one and then leaving. It's not as though I have anything to say anyway--or a genuine interest in others--plus every single person is already with a group besides me.

Pretty much seems as though sex, which should be as plentiful and obtainable as food, is kept as far away from me as possible by every means at society's collective disposal. It's very frustrating. I'm at a loss.

The nice thing is that if nothing happens by Sunday I can shrug this off and go about my business. It's just that till that time I feel as though I have to at least try something. Recommendations?