So, I never really saw myself a member of a community like this, nor have I been extermely comfortable with the concept of posting here...because I have always seen the whole concept of sexual attraction and what comes with it as something natural and organic that occurs between two people...or at least it used to be, for me. I have always resented attitudes displayed by dudes who subscribe to "the red pill philosophy," because I'll be honest, I never needed that to get laid.

But I have come to the conclusion that I need your help. My situation is a little unique. I am not new to the game. I am 31 years old, and have been with well over 100+ women. I'm well over the stage of wanting to "get laid," for its own sake and to be honest, I have been with so many women that the whole concept of sleeping with someone soley due to physical attraction has become boring to me. I know all the tricks of the trade, and by god, I was fucking good at it. I will convince your girlfriend to have sex with me behind your back while in my fedora. And that's not an exaggeration or euphamism...I know how to act confident, be assertive about what I want, and just fucking take it when the time comes.... but suddenly it seems I've lost all of it. I feel suddenly like a 15 year old boy who's scared of women again.

And it's all due to one bad relationship.

Now, it's important to note...a lot of that is in my past. I am officially in the stage of my life where I want love, and a relationship more than just someone to sleep with. I'm pretty much done with the one night stand thing. I'm too old for it, and it's not really any more satisfying than jerking off to porn to be honest.

I normally am very picky about the women I date. True attraction is rare for me. I have a very particular type. I like beautiful, assertive, powerful girls. Most of the girls I've dated are the types who would laugh at the techniques most guys use to get laid, and might even turn them around on you only to dissapear because it's funny to them. All of my exes have been self made, wealthy, and usually in a position of power...(business owners, company executives, etc)

Anyway, here's where our story begins....About 2 years ago, I met this girl...who was a perfect 10 on the outside, except that she was married and 10 years younger than me, but at the time I gave zero fucks about any of that because seriously, dude, this chick was fucking hot.

Now, this girl was truly one of a kind... at 19 years old, she held a position as an executive at a major makeup company without even having a high school diploma. She's just that fucking good. She has been living on her own, and taking care of real adult responsibilities since she was in high school, and even had custody of her 12 year old sister. Again. 19 years old, managing a career and parenthood like a fucking boss. I found this extremely attractive, and honestly was just drawn to the power and influence she seemed to weild effortlessly.

She was married when we met, but I'm morally reprehensible and give zero fucks about that. Her husband was some 18 year old prick who beat the fuck out of her, and I really saw no qualms about just fucking taking her. So I did. And that's when I realized...maybe this domestic violence thing goes both ways.

So yes, without going into detail, our relationship became extremely abusive. I don't believe in violence against women, but she wouldn't even let me restrain her when she was violent. She would often say things like, "you can take it now like a man, or I will call the cops and tell them you beat me and I will have them beat you again." She would punch me until she was tired. For hours.

Even sex was extremely traumatic. AT FIRST IT WAS AWESOME....but as she got comfortable, her real self started to come out... She would frequently tell me I "wasn't even a man," any time she was unsatisfied...which was a lot. She usually demanded that we role play that I was an old man raping a little girl. She needed to be punched, spit on, and choked to the point of passing out to even enjoy sex at all. If I didn't wanna do these things, I'd get punched, choked, and emasculated myself. She would tell me things like, "My ex may have beaten me but at least he knew how to fuck me." and "you're not even a man. you're just a scared little boy." I cannot tell you how many times sexual encounters ended in my tears.

Btw. Having a girl say those things to you while you're inside her is extremely fucking crushing to your self worth.

I eventually got the fuck out of that awful hell after 2 years. I pretty much realized that if I stayed with this chick I will end up as a corpse on the news.

I've been with one girl since then....and it went...badly, to say the least. I've never had problems "keeping it up," but now when I am intimate with someone, I feel fear. Being turned on stirs up feelings of anxiety and violent memories of my ex. I'm no longer an animal in bed. My confidence is completely shattered. I just hear her in my head telling me, "You're not even a man, you're just a little fucking boy." This was 6 months ago...and I haven't tried to approach or talk to anyone since.

And that's where I need your help, /r/seduction.

Suddenly...this guy, who was extremely charismatic and desired by women, is being turned down and friendzoned left and right. I can't have sex anymore. Even my approaches reek of nervousness and awkwardness. I'm not myself anymore. I let this tiny 19 year old girl turn me into a scared child. That's not me...how did I let it happen? I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at the world.

I need to re-learn how to do everything...starting from square one..Women used to respond to me. Now I come off as desperate and scared...I am slowly losing my will or ability to do anything, and I'm afraid of sliding into a downward spiral of self loathing that will end with me being a 300 lb dude who sits in his basement and jerks off to weird porn and plays MMOs instead of looking for a meaningful relationship....I need anything you've got. Help. Advice. Anecdotes. I'm losing my fucking mind.

Thank you for reading. This was as much abot venting as it is about getting advice...but if anyone here has experienced something like this, or knows someone who has, it would mean a lot to get some advice or support.