Have I gained the wrong type of confidence?

Helmet_Icicle · 2016-02-20T09:36:24+00:00

First of all, there is no such thing as a wrong type of confidence. Even the false "fake it til you make it" type is better than no confidence at all.

Second of all, try investing more in the conversation. Utilize small talk. It doesn't really matter what the content of your dialogue is, only the tone in which you express it. In the example you gave, instead of just giving a deadpan "Yep" try something animated like "Whyyy yes please, thank you very much."

People reflect the energy that you put out so if you're not satisfied with what you're receiving, try changing what you're giving. Chances are they're reacting to a perceived agitation because impeded, minimal language is how people act when they're pissed off.

Psychocist · 2016-02-20T13:10:02+00:00

It sounds like you're still too invested in other people's perception of you. I do this when I'm not feeling confident.. yet on days when I do feel genuinely confident (that's the joys of progress - relish those days) - I will be more open to communication.

My advice would be to start bantering with EVERYBODY that is receptive to it in your life. Develop this playful attitude to people you know, then transfer that to strangers. Suddenly, you'll be served by some girl and something playful/funny/cute will pop into your head and you'll just say it.

As that becomes a habit you'll feel less self-conscious about it and, through experience, your negative beliefs about how other people perceive you will start to crumble. That's when the real progress happens. You have to experience it to get it through to your emotions!

expletive-deleted · 2016-02-20T13:56:36+00:00

Smile and learn a series of small jokes and lines to respond to certain situations. Always try and get them to look on the "bright side" if appropriate and learn how to show empathy. Do not simply acknowledge the question, but add onto it like it has already been stated. Short responses appear condescending, like your time is more important than their feelings. That's not to say you should be long winded, just don't answer the person like you're in court.

Here is an example:

Recently we had snow and then the temperature kicked up to 60 degrees for the weekend. So it is muddy but warm for Feb. A client of mine was distraught because his computer was out of commission, and cannot be fixed until the weekend passes.

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm confident we can get this taken care of. Look on the bright side: you have an excuse to not work on a weekend with unexpected warm weather, so with us at the helm, I'd just try to stay out of the mud."

This method can be applied to that cute clerk you want to ask out.

"I hope they aren't going to keep you inside all night; the weather is great for Feb"

"I have to work till 8"

"I hate to hear that, I'm getting ready to meet some friends at [some bar] (be honest, don't lie but I don't know your social life) so if you happen to stop in, I'd be happy to buy you a beer; sounds like you could use one. Have a great night, and I hope the end of your shift comes sooner than later."

I have had checkers at grocery stores then ask for my number. Even if I never see her again, I brightened her mood. If I do, I could get the number next time.

I use these tactics not for seduction, perse, but in general interpersonal communication. They are perfect to practice with old men and ladies, but when you've got your style built, they can be used with anyone.

Confidence is not the same as being a douche. It's not "I know I'm badass" and not as simple as eye contact; stay aloof, trust yourself, and give the presence that what you are saying is worth the other person to listen to. And you don't care if the other person doesn't care.

If you get butthurt because the person responds negatively, you already lost and let them win.

StevieBoyB · 2016-02-20T13:11:22+00:00

If you don't feel comfortable, then you're not confident. You seem to have handled eye contact, but confidence implies almost complete confidence with anything so if she cracks a joke you have something more to say they "yep". Just need to work on conversation skills dude. I used to have the same problem (try daygame and instant dates to rectify this). Confidence is about being more expansive you don't necessarily have to talk all the time, but when you feel like it you have no problem giving a full answer. Think about how you interact with people you're very close to, I'm sure you have more to say then "yep", confidence in social situations is about bridging the gap with how you act with strangers and close friends.

sed9499 · 2016-02-20T23:22:42+00:00

I've noticed if I'm somewhere like Subway that requires me to have a smile and sound all happy

You don't have to smile and sound all happy at Subway. You're feeling pushed into a kind of submissive-compliant mood where you have to be super "chirpy" - that's not the case here. Don't try to be happy, just work on saying "yes" and "no" slowly, calmly, and at a normal volume. The fast-talking "yep yep yep!" answers come from nervousness/fear, not confidence.

Bigjohnthug · 2016-02-20T12:21:40+00:00

That doesn't side like confidence at all. Sounds more like the extreme of non-reactive. Except it's an act, as you're tense and thus obviously care. Try smiling and putting yourself out there a bit.

Title	Have I gained the wrong type of confidence?
Author	CasualFrank
Upvotes	14
Comments	10
Date	February 20, 2016 9:23 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/46pfyh/have_i_gained_the_wrong_type_of_confidence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/have-i-gained-the-wrong-type-of-confidence.1402795 https://theredarchive.com/post/1402795

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