How Can I Move On?

mjaumjau · 2011-09-15T06:04:20+00:00

You're terrified of failure. Talk to more girls.

cody_au · 2011-09-15T06:55:20+00:00

My read on the situation about what happened: Girl tried to date you, realised that you weren't a patch on her ex (who likely had a crapload of experience and time with her by comparison), and went back to him. Hence, "I'm not ready for a relationship [with you]." This is entirely normal, it happens to everyone, I've done it, and I've also had it done to me. From the other person's perspective, if you're able to see it, it's perfectly valid and you couldn't possibly expect anyone to stay in a relationship they didn't want to.

As for the other "loss" which is your friendship with a woman: well you haven't said how old you are but you sound like a schoolboy, because otherwise you'd realise that all your friendships with girls from school (or from work, later) are extremely transient in that once you leave that small social club, the friendships will disappear faster than you can say "...". This, again, is normal and rooted in evolutionary biology.

So, you haven't lost anything either way you look at it, and I think that evaluating the truth of these matters is what will help you move on and feel better. Truth like this doesn't hurt as much as the hurt you'll self inflict believing that you're alone and cursed or fucked up in some way.

frogma · 2011-09-15T13:40:05+00:00

Dude you're fine. You're just going through this stage at a later point than other guys. My experience was a bit unique, but still, when I had that first real girlfriend in 4th grade my mindset was the exact same as yours. I was nervous as shit, didn't even have many friends to speak of (moved to a new school), and I "fell in love" without really knowing anything about her.

But guess what man? I got over it and got more girlfriends the next year. And they were just grade school relationships- it was all about holding hands and sharing pop (with the occasional stolen kiss on the cheek and shit).

Then I got to high school and had "real" relationships, and I was much more comfortable (though still insecure), since I had been through it all before.

Then I got to college, improved my overall mindset by just believing in myself and forcing myself to be more sociable, and girls stopped giving me anxiety. I overcompensated by becoming a player and being validated by sex, but that's another story for another time.

Experience will help you more than anything else you could possibly do. But first you need motivation, you need to get rid of your limiting beliefs and your negative mindset (it will hurt you with life in general, not just with girls- it's unhealthy, no matter how "normal" it feels to you now), and you need to deal with your insecurity. You can read through the sidebar here and find all kinds of good shit (if you see something you disagree with, ignore it, but really try to have an open mind and try to implement the advice). I'd also highly recommend a therapist, for the simple fact that it took you so long to have an experience like this (it's not necessarily "bad," but it definitely isn't the norm, and I think you need to work out some issues with your mindset).

Edit: And don't think getting a therapist says anything bad about you. I had a therapist before, and it was awesome. We just talked about normal shit. If you do get a therapist, try to make sure it's a guy, and preferably a younger married guy. You can talk to him about the same shit you wrote here, and he'll be able to help you out more than anyone else.

micahi21 · 2011-09-15T16:50:11+00:00

Have you ever spoken to a doctor or counselor about your anxiety? This sounds like it goes much deeper than just getting over a girl. It sounds like you might have something going on a little more severe than regular anxiety. Your description of the physiological symptoms is identical to when I have panic attacks, except it seems yours do not subside after a reasonable period of time and are much, much more severe than my typical experience. Having problems socializing because you see someone with the same color of hair is also worrying. Behavioral response triggers like that are not normal.

For what it's worth, I am just some random guy on the internet with an off-the-cuff armchair diagnosis, but I think you should probably talk to a professional about Social Anxiety Disorder. Do not self-diagnose yourself and definitely don't self-medicate, but definitely talk to either your doctor or a counselor/therapist. If you do have SAD or something similar it is definitely possible to learn coping mechanisms and skills that help you rewire the parts of the brain that go haywire because of this stuff. It goes way beyond just "talking to 10 women and get over it". It involves training yourself to think differently. The awesome thing is once you build up those skills and coping processes, everything gets easier. Everything. More importantly, if you do have some kind of disorder it doesn't mean you are less of a person and it isn't a bad thing.

Also, if you can force yourself to do it, try to engage in a physical activity whenever you're feeling this anxiety for extended periods of time. Running, hiking, lifting weights, or whatever. Fitness benefits aside, physical activity does awesome things to relax the mind and elevate mood, even if it is just ten minutes.

If you want, feel free to PM me. Best of luck to you.

drumdance · 2011-09-16T03:24:08+00:00

My honest advice: see a psychotherapist. You've been traumatized, and that shit does not heal easily.

I went through a similarly bad breakup a couple years ago. I saw a therapist once a week for about a year and she really helped me process my emotions.

If you can't afford a therapist, check to see if there's a nonprofit in your area that offers counseling services.

And if you can, don't just go with the first therapist you come across. Practically all reputable therapists will give you the first session for free. And you'll find that you click better with some than others.

sponjireggae77 · 2011-09-15T05:43:52+00:00

Just go and flirt more, dude... It will help your confidence. Don't sweat the stupid shit!

Title	How Can I Move On?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	5
Comments	23
Date	September 15, 2011 5:39 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/kg8ca/how_can_i_move_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-can-i-move-on.1322555 https://theredarchive.com/post/1322555

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