Huge breakthrough for me this weekend. I finally cold-approached some girls! But, there was a..."complication." Could use some insight...

old_fig_newtons · 2012-07-15T20:00:36+00:00

Upvote for saying wingwoman. I once had a wingwoman, so much better than a wingman. Now to the insight:

Compare the rush of cold-approaching to feeling pathetic after talking to your ex. Obviously the rush beats feeling pathetic, and there you go. That ex is not your Oneitis, and a Oneitis won't make you happy. You're better off dumping your garbage than trying to recycle.

You're going to run into some speed bumps when you run into ex's, old feelings are pondered, etc. The thing to remember is that these are speed bumps, overcome them as you work towards your greater goal; their only purpose is to slow you down. These sort of things happen to everyone, and it's the perfect opportunity to grind through and strengthen your inner frame.

No ex of yours is the one that got away, that's who you are. It's every woman's fear that their next man is worse than their last. It's your job to make those fears a reality.

ThrowawayPUA · 2012-07-15T23:12:41+00:00

You are discovering Social Proof. Having a beautiful woman with you, makes you more attractive to other women. Running into your ex was perfect. There is a saying about ex girlfriends, "living well is the best revenge."

Anyway, you remind me of a social proof incident. I was working in a big LA computer chain. The boss set up a big xmas party at the Hotel Mondrian. It was one of the hottest spots in LA, but he opted for the cheapest party he could get away with. The other computer guys were mostly geeks, lots of them didn't have girlfriends. Those that did, or were married, honestly I was appalled at them. The women were mostly unattractive, slightly overweight, and wore dowdy, frumpy clothing. Some of them looked like they were wearing a 10 year old prom dress. One woman showed up with a plaid calico dress with puffy shoulders. All of them looked like they went to a hair salon and got a hairdo about 10 years too old for them.

And then I come sauntering in with my hot blonde girlfriend. I'm wearing a suit and tie, like always, but she's wearing her Little Black Dress. We were both artists and mostly hung around downtown nightclubs, and that's what she would have worn when we were out on the town. She had a hard time deciding what to wear, she thought her skin tight Little Black Dress might be too much for a work-related party. But she couldn't find anything else that was a bit downscale. So she went for it.

Oh you should have seen the scene she made. Everyone was absolutely intimidated by my girlfriend, which was really surprising since she was about 5'2". Everyone tried to chat her up, so she stuck to me like glue. The women were shooting daggers out of their eyes. The guys were acting like idiots. After the party, we went home and she was upset at what happened. She said she felt like she was on display. I told her that I was sorry, but we lived together and we support each other, and I needed her support at that party (office politics, that's a long story) and she did a lot to help me and I would do anything I could to help her. She felt better about it. And then we went to bed and fucked like rabbits, like we always did.

So the next work day, after the party, the guys in the office came up to me, one after another, and all said how astonished they were at my hot girlfriend. It was getting to be almost insulting, like she was too good for me and I didn't deserve a hot girlfriend. So I finally started responding more brusquely. The guy with the chubby, dumpy wife in the calico dress said to me, "wow, where did you get a girl like that?!?" I told him, "I saw your wife, how the hell did you end up with a woman like that?"

askywalker · 2012-07-15T20:42:34+00:00

Your ex interaction sounds like it went perfectly.

HelloHiHello · 2012-07-16T04:33:45+00:00

Dude, you only took steps forward.

You NEED to see it like this.

Here's what happened: you approached some girls for the first time and impressed the chick you were with. That's a HUGE deal. That's like you 2.0.

And then the "complication" that is so insignificant I feel I don't even need to mention it. You saw your ex and went and talked to her. So what? You feel bad because you still have feelings for her. It makes that interaction take front row in your mind.

You have the whole night behind you and all you can think of is that encounter with your ex. It's because you still like her. That's okay, but realize it's clouding the shit out of your judgement and making you feel negative for no reason.

So...there you have it. All in all, I'm still very proud of myself for talking to all those girls. But it was such a rush, it's difficult to process everything that happened. Sort of like I took two steps forward and maybe one step back. I'd appreciate it if anyone can provide insight as to why I may have felt the way I did and how to move on.

No, you took no steps back. You just feel that way. Objectively, you made leaps and bounds forward and a tiny too-insignificant-to-even-mention step backwards. Don't worry about it! You're doing amazing.

I didn't get any numbers, but I wasn't disappointed at all because I realized something: none of them were good enough for me. I don't mean for that to sound arrogant. It's just that as I talked to them, I just wasn't crazy about their personalities and had no desire to escalate. Should I have tried to get numbers just to do it? I feel like it would've been too forced because I just wasn't into any of them.

That's not true. I know because I went through this exact same thing. I was apathetic because I wasn't used to this kind of thing. I was scared of it. I was scared where an interaction with a girl I just approached could go. It was like so many doors opened that I always wanted open, but I could've never prepared myself for what it was really like.

I was scared. I didn't want to admit it. So I just told myself I wasn't attracted to these girls. It wasn't true, I was just covering up my attraction because I was scared.

You need to start getting horny when you approach. Really LOOK at the girl you're talking to. Picture having sex with her. Look at her eyes and lips when you're talking to her. Picture making out with her. You'll realize that if you do this, you no longer become so "picky."

And it's not scary, either – just natural.

2012-07-15T20:28:24+00:00

I think it would be more pathetic feeling if you purposely avoided talking to her. I dunno, probably depends on the person.

redditor29198 · 2012-07-15T23:41:24+00:00

I don't think you should force yourself to interact with people on a further level just for the sake of doing it, because if you're present enough to be recognizing whether they're worth your time or not during the act, I don't think you're going to have trouble getting numbers when you recognize someone worth your time. That's a huge level up that takes most people a long time to get to. I think that's one of the few things that matter, that recognition in real time. I never found value in practicing something I didn't care about, anyway, it would be like doing math flash cards for multiplication, I can do it already, why practice? I think you did awesome.

jarizzle151 · 2012-07-15T22:51:47+00:00

For some reason I thought you said "I have no desire to ejaculate" nonetheless congrats on your new found confidence.

phallic_audio · 2012-07-16T03:33:40+00:00

just go ahead and escalate to a close. It doesn't matter what kind. Remember that you need to familiarize yourself in each part of the interaction so you'd be comfortable with it next time. Just think of it as doing these girls a favor. They obviously went out (like the rest of us) somehow hoping to get validated in some way some time during the night... basically see it as you giving value to the world.

Good job on the night. Don't worry about the ex. You were civilized enough to treat her like a person that was significant in your past. You did good.

Now GAME ON!

KilgoreTrouserTrout · 2012-07-16T15:54:05+00:00

I think it's great that you bumped into the ex on a night where you were having such success. Why? Because you got to feel what "old you" and "new you" are like. You are obviously "new you" now, but seeing her stirred up old emotions and ways of being. It's a good comparison to see just how far you've come. And also, you feel both modes so close to each other -- old and new -- and you can choose which one you want. I'd look at it as a goodbye to the old way of being, "ah, that's what I didn't want! Adios!"

gloweringfetus · 2012-07-15T22:58:31+00:00

Awesome post. On your question about whether or not you should have asked for the numbers of the girls you approached, I'd do it even if you weren't nuts about them. It's all just practice so that when you're talking to a girl you do care about, you'll have the confidence that comes from experience when you're asking for them digits.

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