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[–][deleted] 8 points9 points10 points 14 years ago* (21 children) | Copy Link
Hang in there brother.
Good work so far. You've pulled yourself up from your bootstraps. The rest of your life is the fun part!
First let's focus on getting you into a hobby that you enjoy. The only requirement is that it takes you outside of your house.
Let me know which of these ideas resonate with you, so I can toss out some more ideas.
[–]Han_Solo_Cup2 points 14 years ago [recovered] (20 children) | Copy Link
Thanks polished. It's been a rough road and I have come to that realization that I need to start actually living my life, not just going through the motions. As far as a hobby, sports have never really been my thing, though I feel that may be changing with my new interest in going to the gym and getting in better shape. I haven't been in a bike in years, but again have recently thought about dusting it off. I have the ability to play the guitar and I have always wanted to actually learn to play it as well as the piano (I hear it can be quite attractive).
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (19 children) | Copy Link
Let's keep this ball rolling. Don't disappear, Han. Make some changes... learn from my similar experience. :)
Your thoughts?
[–]Han_Solo_Cup2 points 14 years ago [recovered] (12 children) | Copy Link
Ok here goes. I agree guitar is better. I have one, I know the basics, can play a few riffs and parts of songs. This actually resonates quite well with me since it was my uncle who first taught me when I was young. It's not that I hate sports it's just I don't really feel like I can relate in conversations of stats or players because they just don't interest me in general. As far as the gym goes I have been flying solo so far. I really don't have any friends :/ I am a member at the planet fitness that is close to me and there are many attractive girls there. I just feel creepy ogling them and some serious anxiety if I ever were to even talk to them. A simple "Hi" or "is anyone using this machine" is tough for me to get out.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link
First: my advice here is not about getting you laid, or even getting you to meet or talk to anyone. The first step is to just get out around people, even if you don't interact. The gym was your first good step.
Also, you're not ready for /r/seduction yet, but would you go to the mall and shop? You don't have to buy anything. Jewelry stores, perfume counters, and lingerie stores are EXCELLENT places to talk to women with absolutely no pressure. Hint: they are paid to talk to you.
Literally walk in and find the hottest clerk (or the ugliest one - your choice) and say "I have never been in a lingerie store and have no idea what to do in here, but I need a gift for my girlfriend. Any suggestions?"
Also - do you have any interest in doing any sort of group exercise class, like yoga, pilates, cardio burn, spinning, etc?
[–]Han_Solo_Cup3 points 14 years ago [recovered] (10 children) | Copy Link
I was told by someone to try my luck here from r/AskReddit. I agree that I do need to get around people more and break out of my comfort zone. As of right now I'm completely open to almost anything really. Time/money permitting. I really don't think I'm a bad looking guy, and girls that I have talked to before always ask why I'm so shy or why don't I have a girlfriend, I'm not sure if they ask this being polite or if they are generally surprised.
[–]Peaches_killed_Jeff 3 points4 points5 points 14 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Hey Han, Ivory has given you some super solid advice.
Many of us have been in similar boats.
If you ever want to chat about the SS Peaches_Killed_Jeff and hot it nearly sank I'll be happy to relate.
I just want to add:
There will be set backs. Real life changing progress often means peaks & valleys, so if you start to regress a little, don't get discouraged... take a breath or two. Shake it off, and get back on the horse.
Change what you can and want to change, from there allow yourself the realization that you don't have to change everything about yourself. YOU are fine, it's some habits, anxieties and circumstances that you want to work on.
You're still going to be you when you come through all this, the best version of yourself you've ever seen. Unable to level up any more.
Smile.
Carry your head high. Keep your eyes out in front of you, meeting other peoples eyes and smiling at them. Some people won't react at all. Some people will just look away. Some will reciprocate.
No clever wrap up.
[–]Han_Solo_Cup1 points 14 years ago [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
Thank you for your encouragement. Im going to take your advice and start greeting more people whether they take to it or not. I may be flying solo for a bit but I will make it through. I was reading a post on the 5-approach-a-day challenge and may just give it a shot and post up some field reports. I also took some advice on reconnecting with old friends and it seems to have had some response so far. I basically just laid all my cards down and reached out to try and salvage what I could.
[–]Peaches_killed_Jeff 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
It's a freeing feeling, isn't it?
[–]Han_Solo_Cup2 points 14 years ago* [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
It really is. I'm hoping my interactions, if I can work up the confidence, courage, and balls to actually do them, will yield some attitude boosts.
[–]Basmustquitatart 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I get the feeling that you're one of those people that are extremely attractive completely oblivious to it.
I wouldn't say extremely. But pretty handsome. Maybe I'll post a pic in a bit.
[–]Basmustquitatart 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Go for it
[–]Han_Solo_Cup1 points 14 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Added my pics to the original post.
[–]dablac 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Just a quick note here, the third thing you mentioned should be combined with the warning to not put the gym girls on a pedestal, if he's not doing it already now would be a very bad time to start.
I'm not putting them on a pedestal. But I am generally intimidated by attractive women. Which always leads to me being shy, stumbling over words, rushing, or just not saying anything at all.
[–]SoHiSoFly 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Han;
The first thing to social aptitude is SELF CONFIDENCE. People have a 6th sense for knowing whether people truly believe in themselves.
This is my quote from a previous post;
People actually have intuition and senses for the unseen. Women can get a jist of a man's confidence level and other metrics, within minutes of talking to him. Honestly, YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE!! That's what I did my junior/senior year of college and have not looked back. I refuse to go back to point where I was scared of talking to women, not looking them in their eyes. Fuck that shit, I will not crawl back into that cave. I heard a quote from an L.A. area rapper once; "So, will you bounce back? Or bounce backwards?" Go out and teach yourself how to approach people about any random conversation. Make sure to stand tall, chest out, walk with authority, look people in their eye and speak clearly/concise/loud-enough. Get away from the "technology medium" and increase your f2f (face to face) interactions (ideas like joining a running group with varying backgrounds of people). You need to start thinking from abundance, as if people need you in their life. It sounds douchey, but it is what works. I hope if you have this mindset you are still in secondary/high school or just started college? Because if you are beyond, this is an emergency! Edit: grammar and adding sentences
People actually have intuition and senses for the unseen. Women can get a jist of a man's confidence level and other metrics, within minutes of talking to him.
Honestly, YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE!! That's what I did my junior/senior year of college and have not looked back. I refuse to go back to point where I was scared of talking to women, not looking them in their eyes. Fuck that shit, I will not crawl back into that cave. I heard a quote from an L.A. area rapper once;
"So, will you bounce back? Or bounce backwards?"
Go out and teach yourself how to approach people about any random conversation. Make sure to stand tall, chest out, walk with authority, look people in their eye and speak clearly/concise/loud-enough. Get away from the "technology medium" and increase your f2f (face to face) interactions (ideas like joining a running group with varying backgrounds of people). You need to start thinking from abundance, as if people need you in their life. It sounds douchey, but it is what works.
I hope if you have this mindset you are still in secondary/high school or just started college? Because if you are beyond, this is an emergency!
Edit: grammar and adding sentences
[–]SoHiSoFly 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
And another post I had on "How can I live a more interesting life?";
A lot that you say are bad assumptions. 30vanquish is correct when saying: That's a bad assumption. Be passionate about the stuff you do because it makes you look certain and confident in your own life What I have learned is life is about stories. The better/funnier/epic/quirkier your stories are and the more you're developed as a storyteller the more people will be attracted to you. Learn to be value-added to people and social situations. You might be thinking being value added to their life only makes them better. No, make people see that your value addition makes their life great, and that without you in their life, it isn't fun. When hanging with people, learn the balance of when to speak up and when to not. A lot of times you can be too intelligent for the group, if you find yourself talking about random context or "Did You Know?" shit a lot, quit that out. Because that's a buzz-kill sometimes. Personally, I only bring up topics I truly enjoy if someone leads me to do that. Otherwise, I assume people don't want to hear about simulation, cnc, six-sigma, electrical system and the other. Also consider how you portray yourself: stance walk build dress eye contact projection/clarity of voice All of these searches (not specifically these sites) should help significantly. Honestly with that in mind, you may want to start with something like Toastmasters to get you thinking on your feet about topics. This will develop different synapses and will allow for quick-thinking on a social status level. Possibly, read the the following to develop an understanding of being value added to relationships and quick-witted in conversation: Insults Every Man Should Know Jokes Every Man Should Know The Modern Gentleman Now, everything in these books aren't written in stone. Don't just go and cut/copy/paste/cite when you go hang out socially. I only provided these titles for you and others to read, so you can develop yourself. Everything is about becoming your own peacock, so you come off (do not appear, because when you appear, then your X-factor is not intrinsically within) smooth, suave and natural. I would also say to try and pickup an action sport like boxing, kickboxing, etc. Not for the ability to kick anyone and mostly everyone's ass, but so you can get your testosterone flowing/grooving and to become confident in a more socially accepted hobby. It also would help in the fact that if you fake like you hurt yourself, you can casually bring up that you were in a sparring match. This would make guys interested in your skill and girls begin to coddle you for safety (you have just become value-added). TL;DR: just go to the damn hyperlinks and you'll be able to figure out what i was saying.
A lot that you say are bad assumptions. 30vanquish is correct when saying: That's a bad assumption. Be passionate about the stuff you do because it makes you look certain and confident in your own life
What I have learned is life is about stories. The better/funnier/epic/quirkier your stories are and the more you're developed as a storyteller the more people will be attracted to you. Learn to be value-added to people and social situations. You might be thinking being value added to their life only makes them better. No, make people see that your value addition makes their life great, and that without you in their life, it isn't fun.
When hanging with people, learn the balance of when to speak up and when to not. A lot of times you can be too intelligent for the group, if you find yourself talking about random context or "Did You Know?" shit a lot, quit that out. Because that's a buzz-kill sometimes. Personally, I only bring up topics I truly enjoy if someone leads me to do that. Otherwise, I assume people don't want to hear about simulation, cnc, six-sigma, electrical system and the other.
Also consider how you portray yourself:
stance
walk
build
dress
eye contact
projection/clarity of voice
All of these searches (not specifically these sites) should help significantly. Honestly with that in mind, you may want to start with something like Toastmasters to get you thinking on your feet about topics. This will develop different synapses and will allow for quick-thinking on a social status level.
Possibly, read the the following to develop an understanding of being value added to relationships and quick-witted in conversation:
Insults Every Man Should Know
Jokes Every Man Should Know
The Modern Gentleman
Now, everything in these books aren't written in stone. Don't just go and cut/copy/paste/cite when you go hang out socially. I only provided these titles for you and others to read, so you can develop yourself. Everything is about becoming your own peacock, so you come off (do not appear, because when you appear, then your X-factor is not intrinsically within) smooth, suave and natural.
I would also say to try and pickup an action sport like boxing, kickboxing, etc. Not for the ability to kick anyone and mostly everyone's ass, but so you can get your testosterone flowing/grooving and to become confident in a more socially accepted hobby. It also would help in the fact that if you fake like you hurt yourself, you can casually bring up that you were in a sparring match. This would make guys interested in your skill and girls begin to coddle you for safety (you have just become value-added).
TL;DR: just go to the damn hyperlinks and you'll be able to figure out what i was saying.
[–]Level_75_Zapdos 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Chess is an excellent hobby. It's competitive and stimulates the mind. The OP can play it with family, friends, and online players. There are thousands of resources to improve your game, including books, videos, puzzles, and even local teams. Chess is a "gentlemen's game" that may improve others' perceptions of the OP and think of him as an intellectual.
[–]dleet0r 6 points7 points8 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
As courage wolf would say, "If you're going through hell, keep going."
[–]edubation 3 points4 points5 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Courage Wolf or Winston Churchill. Same difference really.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Hahaha. TIL Courage Wolf = Winston Churchill. Churchill was a badass.
[–][deleted] 14 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
[permanently deleted]
[–]jimii 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Negative thinking is not only useless, it's poison. It'll do nothing but destroy you from the inside out.
Every time you notice you're thinking excessively negatively, think about something else/change activity to take your mind off it.
Remember, a positive outlook/attitude should come before all else.
Positive thinking > positive emotions > positive actions > better life > positive thinking.
Plan for the future. But live in the moment. Try to enjoy your day to day life all the while improving yourself with positive action.
Props for getting your life together and good luck!
[–]googlemecrazzzzy 4 points5 points6 points 14 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I'd suggest just trying- I've found baggage doesn't matter as long as you don't let too much of the 'crazy'out too soon. And join a recreational sports team or take an exercise class that allows for more interaction. Same rules apply for friends and females
[–]Han_Solo_Cup3 points 14 years ago [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
Pretty sound advice. Thank you. I'll look into maybe a rec softball team or something though I never have been much of a sports guy.
[–]SoHiSoFly 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Previously you said something about not knowing stats from professional sports, etc. That's just common conversation.
You don't need to know stats in order to find a sport that you are naturally good at, or that you can catch onto quickly. For example: combat arts, volleyball, shooting sports, hiking, camping, mountain-biking, etc.
Or look to your Comm College to to take other classes and improve your skills on many things.
It's not so much stats, more like whats going on in sports. IE: dude/gal: "I can't believe so-and-so got traded to team-X!" me: "Ummmm sure, that sucks. He was soooo goooooood.........."
I find that I am just generally not interested in many sports, who plays them, hometown pride, etc. It seems like this is a large topic of conversation especially during the seasons, but that is just not me.
[–]SoHiSoFly 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That is for people interested in that. I guess I am able to somewhat keep up with sports. However, I do not assume that people know anything about sports.
What are some socially accepted interests of yours? That you can decipher of being socially accepted.
Better yet, lists as many interest of yours that you can. And then we as your supporters will weed out what to use and what to not use. Unless you have already done it, then point me to that area.
[–]Artificialx 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Regarding friends, I would maybe consider trying to repair some of your previous relationships? It may be easier than seeking out new people from the start.
[–]Han_Solo_Cup1 points 14 years ago [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link
I feel like they have all moved on. One works opposite my schedule and has a serious girlfriend who he spends all other time with, one has moved away and gotten a pretty successful job, and one bought a house and became a prude. I still work with dude 3 and I feel like our situations are so opposite that I can't stand to be around him. He has money, I dont. His biggest problem is figuring out what beer he wants to drink with a cigar while deciding what to invest in next in his newly renovated room.
[–]Artificialx 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I feel like they have all moved on.
As someone who has also recently broken out of an insular phase of isolation, I would be cautious that you are not re-enforcing your own isolation by justifying avoidance. I don't know your situation, so really I appreciate it may not be possible, but it can be a source of self-redemption if you speak to one of them and lay your cards down about where you were, are and where you are trying to go, especially if it was one of the friends you were closer to.
I may just have to do this. I'm dying for some sort of social interaction and it may be easier to rebuild old bridges than it is to build new ones.
[–]Artificialx 4 points5 points6 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
There are also lot's of little things you can do that all start to add up. Saying good morning to neighbours, being friendly to shop staff, wishing a stranger a good afternoon (in a context that isn't creepy), helping someone with a small task even if as small as holding a door... All these things begin to slowly build up your confidence dealing with other people. Other people begin to see this open and friendly confidence and are in turn more likely to start random conversations. There is no need to jump in the deep end, get your toes wet first.
[–]Peaches_killed_Jeff 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Well put.
[–]lolwhatsausername 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
1.Find hobbies you genuinely enjoy so you can meet people that share the same interests as you while you are doing something you enjoy.
2.Always think of the positive experiences in the past rather than letting the negative experiences linger in your head. Learn from the negative experiences but always remember that tomorrows a new day and your life CAN change overnight if u want it too.
3.ALWAYS remember that you are ALWAYS in control of your life. EVERYONE can be great, INCLUDING YOU!
It is unfortunate that you were dealt such a bad hand, but the seddit community and I believe in you!
edit: numbering
Thank you for your kind words and encouragements. I know I need to stop dwelling in the past and just move on. I just want to be happy, yet I always find myself slipping back into depression, even of only for a few hours. But it hits hard. As far as hobbies, like I said I'm very open to alot of different activities. I'm going to dust off my bike and start riding again this weekend and see where that gets me. I'm also going to take PolishedIvory's advice an look into a guitar course at the local college, check out some dance classes, and maybe a yoga class or something. Anything to get me out of the house and around people.
[–]lolwhatsausername 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Once you make these improvements in your life and see happiness in your life (trust me, it will come), you will be even happier once you see how much your life has improved.
[–]EfficientMasochist 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Something I've really started enjoying about interacting with people is that when I first meet them, they have absolutely no information about me. I never really thought about it until reading up on interacting with women, but nobody knows anything about you, good or bad. IE: I live with my parents @ 26, am far from perfect, was without a job for a while, etc.
Like at my first real job, I was a more introverted and quiet guy. I'd get visibly uncomfortable going to talk to coworkers. At my current job, from day 1 I tried to be a more extroverted person. I definitely noticed a difference with how people acted around me, and then how I started acting around people. I started filling the shoes of the confident person I was initially trying to be.
What I'm trying to say is that your past doesn't necessarily dictate your future. If anything, you're in a phenomenal position to learn how you need to/should act, and frame yourself appropriately around new people because they all can/will be new people.
A big thing that helped me a lot was just not giving a fuck either. I used to freak out after everyday normal social interaction on the stupidest things (and still do with women regarding pickup to an extent). Eventually I just stopped giving a fuck and if I messed up, I learned and adjusted for the next time. Believe it or not, people still talk and interact with me on a regular basis!
TL;DR: You're the only one keeping track of your failures, just stop giving a fuck about other people and make yourself the best you can be.
Your exactly right. I know that I have this chance to be the man/person that I should be, I just need to take those first big steps. I feel like I have the ability to have the "no fucks given" attitude when I'm around people, and I know that I come off that way sometimes. But in reality there are lots of fucks given and I find myself brooding over all the little things and I end up taking 2 steps backward.
[–]jimii 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
When you're interacting with people try not to over think things too much. Try to be less logical/'inside your head' and more 'in the moment'. If you feel you made a 'mistake', don't get too down about it. No point getting too annoyed about petty things that happened in the past. Just try to learn from it and move on.
Sure, you should probably study positive habits and how to carry yourself in social situations when you're at home (to better yourself as a person, not to impress others). But the more you over think things in that actual moment where you're socializing, the more likely you are to not act natural/be yourself. Just try to relax and have fun. Enjoy the moment for what it is.
And just remember that the end goal isn't perfection, so don't be too hard on yourself. You're just looking to all around improve yourself as a person so you can enjoy life to the full, not to look 'perfect' to or be validated by other people.
[–]Basmustquitatart 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Every time I see posts like this I wish the OP would secretly be my neighbor so we could hang out. Just talk to people! If you have a tough time talking to girls try baby steps. Compliment a random girl on something. Keep that up until you build confidence and can just start talking! Just don't let the failures keep you down. Learn and grow from your mistakes. Good job on how far you've come, just keep at it and never forget how much of a badass you are internet stranger.
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