Logically, we understand that rejection does not pose a threat to our lives, and cannot physically harm us.

However, when we make ourselves vulnerable to rejection from others, we often experience high levels of distress, even when the rejection is seemingly minor-- or if it comes from a complete stranger.

Men and women alike are particularly sensitive to romantic and sexual rejection; although the responses may differ, rejection can cause depression, fear, and loss of self-esteem. (1)

We don't need research to tell us this--we all have experienced rejection in some form and know how painful it can be.

Why Do We Fear Rejection?

Adaptive/Biological: The desire for social acceptance is ingrained in our DNA. It is an adaptation that evolved because social acceptance promoted survival among our ancestors. Those who lived in groups and maintained social relationships were more likely to survive and reproduce, than those who lived outside of community life. (2)

Those who survived and passed on their genes were those who (a) rejected others appropriately without provoking dangerous responses, (b) avoided significant rejection themselves, and (c) responded positively to rejection. Those who failed in any of these three areas risked social isolation and/or missing out on reproduction entirely. (3)

In other words, our psychology and mental wiring hasn't caught up to our present reality. Our survival and ability to reproduce is no longer directly dependent on acceptance from relatively large social groups. However, our perceived need for social acceptance remains--social rejection was found to activate many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain. (4)

As a result, men may tend to view rejection as a challenge to their masculinity, or a stain on their perceived place in social hierarchy. Women may assume that there is something deficient in them that warranted the rejection. (5)

Western Society Puts Love on a Pedestal

Our biological fear of rejection is compounded by a constant stream of messages from modern media that elevate and emphasize the importance of romantic and sexual success:

"Recent Western culture has elevated romantic love to the status of a centrally important form of personal fulfillment, and popular culture...continues to emphasize that passionate love between man and woman is the most important route to blissful, fulfilled happiness. TO FAIL AT ROMANTIC LOVE THUS STRIKES AT THE CORE AT ONE'S SENSE OF COMPETENT PERSONHOOD." (6)

Men in particular are inundated with the false contradictory messages through commercialized, monetized depictions of sexuality--pornography, product advertisements, movies-- that:

  1. Sex is instantaneous, easily accessible without emotion, everyone is having it, while the rest of us are excluded (7)(8)
  2. Sex/women are owed to men.

Hypersensitivity to rejection comes when these unrealistic messages--which are nowadays reinforced to boys at young age--are met with a seemingly harsh reality, where women aren't instantaneously sexually turned-on by a grooming product, beer, or hypersexualized scenario depicted in porn.

How We Respond Psychologically to Rejection

  • Prosocial Behaviors are motivated by the goal of increasing other people's acceptance and promoting relationships with them.
  • Antisocial Behaviors, in contrast, are motivated by the desire to express and share negative feelings.
  • Withdrawal/Avoidance Behaviors, are motivated by the aim of limiting or avoiding negative interpersonal interactions.

The most successful approach for dating appears to be a combination of Prosocial Behaviors toward others in general, combined with Withdrawal/Avoidance of specific people who have actually been rejecting, if it has occurred on a consistent basis. (9)

Exercises to Help Deal with Rejection:

  1. Emphasize and seek out your existing positive relationships. In the moment of rejection, visualize people in your life--friends, family members, teammates--who accept you for who you are and a positive influence on you. Imagine yourself joking to them about the rejection like it was a funny story, not a traumatic event, and that you will forget about the person who rejected you in a few days. Seek out someone in your network of positive relationships to help build up your (temporarily) damaged self-esteem.
  2. Shift your perception of rejection. This is from Mark Manson's book, Models. In it, he explains that rejection is actually positive-- it filters out people who don't accept/appreciate you for who you are, and removes people from your life that aren't suited to you in some manner. This allows you to actually pursue people who are drawn to you in a positive manner (10)
  3. De-stigmatize discomfort. Remember that rejection and all of the negative emotions associated with it are normal, and a legacy of our survival instincts. Every human will experience some form of rejection.
  4. Dedramatize. Rejection is a common part of human experience that happens every day. You will likely forget it next time you experience a positive social interaction
  5. Think of others who have experienced it before, especially those you admire.
  6. See rejection as a burden shared by billions. It is the result of living life and seeking pleasure, rather than avoiding pain. You are part of a community of human beings experiencing this feeling, likely by thousands at the exact time. (11)

Sources:

  1. Kelly, Ashley J., Dubbs, Shelli L. and Barlow, Fiona Kate. An Evolutionary Perspective on Mate Rejection. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1474704916678626
  2. Leary, Mark R. Interpersonal Rejection
  3. Kelly, Ashley J., Dubbs, Shelli L. and Barlow, Fiona Kate. An Evolutionary Perspective on Mate Rejection. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1474704916678626
  4. Weir, Kirsten. The Pain of Social Rejection. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection
  5. Degges-White, Suzanne. Rejection: When It Hurts Men More Than It Should. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201805/rejection-when-it-hurts-men-more-it-should
  6. Baumeister, Roy F. and Dhavale, Dawn. Two Sides of Romantic Rejection
  7. Emba, Christine. Men are in trouble. 'Incels' are Proof. Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/men-are-in-trouble-incels-are-proof/2019/06/07/8d6ad596-8936-11e9-a870-b9c411dc4312_story.html
  8. Scherwin, Mac. The Pungent Legacy of Axe Body Spray. https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/2020/2/12/21122543/axe-body-spray-teenage-boys-ads
  9. Nicholson, Jeremy. Understanding and Dealing with Interpersonal Rejection. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/202009/understanding-and-dealing-interpersonal-rejection
  10. Manson, Mark. Models
  11. Fox Cabane, Olivia. The Charisma Myth.