When I touch girls they aren't often comfortable - how to move past this sticking point

SunTzuArtofWar · 2017-02-20T03:27:34+00:00

I don't want to sound harsh, but I'll say it here

She feels uncomfortable because she is not attracted, does not respect you, and/or you are creeping her out, but that's it.

There are times where girls will let a (stranger) play with their boobs/butt, legs, hair etc. Just because she feels enough attraction, respect, and at ease enough with him. And this includes girls who are in relationships.

Your problem is your conversation/eye contact/posture. Simply put that girl does not respect you or something is creeping her out.

But good work on being more touchy, don't let a bad experience ruin it with future girls.

recyclablebanthas · 2017-02-20T07:43:00+00:00

Hey - I've figured out one of my main sticking points. When I touch girls they're not comfortable/don't enjoy it/it feels gropy.

General rule is, if she's reacting this way, you've been attempting to physically escalate in a way that's tone deaf as to the feedback they're giving along the way.

What's supposed to happen, ideally, is that someone starts escalating, and it's a process, like a conversation. Sometimes one party might call for a pause or a temporary stop, and the other party has to be paying attention to that.

If one keeps steamrollering forward as if starting means they can keep going forward constantly, or if cues get ignored, then the other party WILL put a stop to it. To put it another way, confidence is necessary: you ought to be confident in pursuing what you want. But empathy is also necessary: you also ought to be aware of what she wants, and how she wants it.

Last night I put my arm around this girl a few times - she kept asking me "why are you touching me" (a question I've been before but never know a good answer - suggestions?).

The issue is not having a "good answer" to a question like this. The question is not the point. By the time she finally blurts a question like that out, you've already failed to take note of cues repeatedly.

The point is that you don't notice her feedback before she resorted to calling out her discomfort.

Later my friend was naturally and really genuinely touching her, kissing her on the cheek, etc (and he actually was doing it with another girl at the same time they loved it! I'm planning on talking to him about this issue and asking his advice).

You seem to be focused on what he did, not how he did it. What is "genuinely touching her?" This statement doesn't mean anything actionable.

The thing he's clearly doing is paying attention to the girl and touching in a way they like, at a pace they like.

I rarely touch and have it get reciprocate. Many times girls are made more uncomfortable by my touch, not more comfortable/intimate. I think it's because I feel like touching is something I NEED to be doing, instead of something I genuinely want to do in the moment. I fall off the whole escalation ladder when I try to climb it.

What are you saying here? EVERYONE who engages in kino, genuinely WANTS to do it. You're seeing to what you want just fine. The problem is lack of consideration for the other side of the equation here: the girl and what she wants.

There's a good analogy I'd make here between the difference between the DC Extended Universe movies and the Marvel Cinematic Universe's movies. Marvel set the stage before Avengers 1, with movies for Thor, Iron Man, and Captain America. Then they brought out the Avengers movie, bringing it all together.

Then DC saw that, and went, holy shit, I want to make Avengers money! So they changed course, changing what was going to be a follow-up to a Superman movie with mixed reviews, into a team-up movie with Batman, and then adding Wonder Woman, foreshadowing for a big threat (Darkseid), introductions for other Justice League members, and Doomsday. They wanted Avengers money but didn't build up properly.

So it flopped. What I see here is that you're watching your friend escalate correctly and just focusing on where he is at, when he's further up the ladder. And you try to jump over so many rungs of the ladder at once, that you get kicked off the ladder by the girl.

You're not really climbing the ladder. You're trying to bulldoze through to sex or whatever, and you're failing to work together with the girl.

_Legendairy_ · 2017-02-20T06:32:00+00:00

I'm no expert at kino but try to keep it very subtle. I usually touch their arm (not grab) for a couple seconds and if she seems receptive then I will gradually increase to putting my arm around her.

bugxter · 2017-02-20T03:48:03+00:00

I'm in no way an expert but bro, your issue seems to be calibration. Putting your arm around a girl that is not used to your touch will creep her out.

Hell, I think you'd also feel pretty uncomfortable if a girl you don't have much contact with suddenly starts hugging you, wouldn't you?

throwaway8675309einn · 2017-02-20T00:52:32+00:00

Rather than an arm around her, perhaps try just placing your hand on her shoulder for a maximum of like two seconds. Not like a graze, and not like a grope--this is in between that. There long enough for her to notice and then gone.

What were you talking about when you put your arm around her? Did you maybe put your arm around her one too many times?

IntrovertedBadass · 2017-02-20T12:24:59+00:00

Hi there, i have a post that goes into touch and physical escalation. Would you like me to poste the link?

Title	When I touch girls they aren't often comfortable - how to move past this sticking point
Author	rappingwhiteguys
Upvotes	2
Comments	25
Date	February 20, 2017 12:43 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/5v1j5m/when_i_touch_girls_they_arent_often_comfortable/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/when-i-touch-girls-they-arent-often-comfortable.1420515 https://theredarchive.com/post/1420515

Comments