I apologize if this is overly ranty. If anything just trying to put my thoughts down somewhere to vent. This year has been the roughest year of my life. Year started with me in the hospital after a suicide attempt. After being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and PTSD it helped make things at least a little clear why i am the way i am.

Currently have been divorced/separated for about 9 months and still living with my ex and kids till February. Honestly my relationship with my ex has been incredibly smooth so much so that we didnt even involve lawyers in the divorce. She knows im a good dad despite my MANY apparent flaws and she is an excellent mom which has made it a lot easier to respect and want the best for them.

Apartment hunting at 30 for the first time by myself has been so demoralizing with how expensive everything is. I feel like im barely holding it together and don't see a way out of this. I need to be here for my kids and love them more than anything in life but it feels like thats the only thing keeping me here. Every morning i wake up i find myself yelling "god damnit" knowing i have to go to a workplace im not valued or respected. Connecting with anyone even on a friend level feels impossible. I had moved to North Carolina in April excited to start a new career and meet new friends but have yet to hang out with a single person that's not my kids. I just crave any sort of interaction that doesn't feel like it's forced but I'm an incredibly difficult person to connect with and am trying to improve that.

Everyone says things get better but they just haven't shown any sign of improving. I have resorted to typically disassociating with reality during the day and put on a facade of someone I'm not to show everyone I'm OK.

If you read all of this, thank you. I don't know what I'm looking for with this, I just need to put at least part of what I'm going through down as I don't have any family I talk to either.