Am I conditioned for shitty men?

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2019-10-25T20:01:08+00:00

So I’ve recently started seeing this guy who has been insanely nice and seems to really have all his stuff together. We’ve been on about 7 dates within the past month and a half and have taken it to the next level and are now sleeping together. We don’t get to see each other really all that regularly because we’re both pretty busy, but so far everything has pretty much gone perfectly.

You fucked him before he declared that he wanted to be exclusive with you. MAJOR MISTAKE #1. You accepted the conditions of him setting up a dynamic where he's not committed to you, doesn't have to see you regularly, and still gets to fuck you.

First of all, I don’t actually know how serious he wants to take things. We have a pretty big age gap and he has children and I don’t, so we had agreed to start seeing each other casually. Lately he’s loosely thrown around the bf/gf terms and has been using pet names (babe/sweetheart), but I haven’t met any of his friends or his children.

He's older so he MIGHT be more experienced at dating than you are. This gives him an advantage. You agreed to start seeing each other casually - this was major mistake #2.

You aren't "Conditioned" to attract shitty men. This man is a shitty man. You have given up all negotiating and bargaining power in the relationship and he's going to dump you once you start demanding titles, seriousness, or exclusivity. This is because the dynamic is already established. You've already used everything you got, and he knows you're the more interested party.

I want to demonstrate how fucked this situation is, in non-romantic terms, using a car analogy. It'll be easier to see the situation at hand this way, because most women haven't been psychologically abused, negged, and gaslighted about car prices, and the process of negotiating a car sale, like they are with the process of negotiating a relationship and "relationship costs, terms, and conditions".

Imagine that you find an AMAZING 2009 Toyota Rav 4 SUV, in Great condition, with low mileage. It is used and has a tolerable amount of damage associated with it. You evaluate the value of this vehicle without much inspection, without getting a second opinion, and very rapidly jump to the conclusion that this car is the ONE for you. You don't look at other cars or shop around, you focus exclusively on this one and ONLY car. There can be no other car out there for you, therefore you decide to buy this car. Imagine that the posting price for the car is $5,000. You have $10,000. You come to the dealership with $10,000 in cash, ready to buy this one car. During the negotiations, you lose your shit. This car is SO ABSOLUTELY THE ONE FOR YOU, you just HAVE to drive off the lot with it, after 7 days of "thinking" about it, and test driving it a few times. You sit down with the dealer to negotiate the price of the car. Before the dealer brings out a contract for sale, and before you even hear what terms and conditions you'll be signing for. You slam $8,000 of the $10,000 you have available on the table and tell the dealer that you're prepared to drive this car off the lot, RIGHT THIS SECOND, and he can skip the terms, conditions, and negotiations. You're sold. You don't even need the title to it, you "trust" the dealer. You don't demand a receipt or keep anything as proof that this car belongs to you. You "trust" that the dealer will let you have it, without proof. The dealer takes your cash money, and you drive the car off the lot, without the title in hand. After a few weeks of driving it, you realize that you paid $8,000 on a car that's worth $5,000, and some of that "damage" / baggage you ignored initially is really starting to bother you. You begin to have buyer's remorse and return to the dealer. You tell him that you want $3,000 back. The car was worth $5k, and you paid $8k. You now want the title to the car, and you now need all of the "official paperwork". Will the dealer give it to you? He might, if he feels like it. He might not. The dealer has all the power in this situation now. You are at his mercy. This dynamic is already fucked. There might be no fixing it, only lessons to be learned. Does this situation make you feel anxious??

Because this is the EXACT dating scenario that you have entered. Make no MISTAKE about it. The $10,000 is your affections, your time, and sex. The Dealer is your "boyfriend" and this is the dating situation you have entered.

whycantweallgetal0ng · 2019-10-25T18:55:41+00:00

Lately he’s loosely thrown around the bf/gf terms and has been using pet names (babe/sweetheart)

That doesn't mean much if you haven't discussed exclusivity yet.

What about you? Are you in love with him? Do you want to be his gf?

I feel like I’m missing something with him [...] like a secret that’s like crazy messed up in one way or another.

So your gut feeling is telling you he's hiding something. That may well be. Older people, especially ones with children, are generally less open with you. Often because they stuck in complex situations that would make them seem like a risky bet at best, if you knew about it.

There are of course other reasons, too.

Personally, I don't like seeing young women invest in older single fathers. The guy almost always comes with baggage that's way above your paygrade and he needs to be truly awesome to make up for that.

Is he truly awesome?

PS. It's not just you that's conditioned for shitty men, it's most women. We are purposefully raised to have less self-esteem than men and we are therefore (generally) more eager to settle for peanuts.

AverageToHot · 2019-10-25T19:36:32+00:00

This guy isn't even that good. He's just...normal. He's getting a good deal out of being with you because he can get regular sex with you without commitment. So duh, of course he's going to be polite with you. You need to know what you want -- do you want to have a boyfriend or do you want to keep having this situationship with this dude?

Jazmin8 · 2019-10-25T20:38:46+00:00

Thank you guys for responding!

I’m just going to ask him when we hang out tomorrow. That’s the only way I’m definitely going to have an answer and if he’s not into a relationship than at least I can stop stressing over what-ifs and wasting my time.

FemclFleshBeckyBones · 2019-10-25T18:48:28+00:00

You might be a mistress/side-piece. Not meeting the kids isn't unusual (Imo that shouldn't happen for a long time, kids need stability and they don't need to meet dad's dates) but not meeting any friends may a cause for concern. Is he divorced? What's going on with his kid's mother? have you done any background checks/vetting?

You say he's revealed some other red flags in conversation. What are they?

Jazmin8 · 2019-10-25T19:11:56+00:00

Thanks! That’s kind of what I’m doing, just not trying to get super attached and not really bringing up anything that feels too “relationship-y”

Lalandjdjdjfj · 2019-10-26T12:40:58+00:00

Sorry to say but any man with children is a shitty deal, might not be a shitty man but it's a shitty situation. If you don't have kids your life will be deeply affected by his, they will have priority over you in your own house. You will have to pick up after them by default if you don't want a messy shitty house. If you do want kids then you will have to accept their father's resources are split. Time, money, affection, all split with another household. That is a shitty deal if you ask me, on top of that he is older so the dynamic is gonna be one where he assumes he has more power. I would not want this at all.

Title	Am I conditioned for shitty men?
Author	Jazmin8
Upvotes	0
Comments	22
Date	October 25, 2019 6:31 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/dn1n12/am_i_conditioned_for_shitty_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/am-i-conditioned-for-shitty-men.689564 https://theredarchive.com/post/689564

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