He Hasn't said I Love You

DartyGal503 · 2023-01-04T19:14:30+00:00

When something similar happened to me where he wasn’t ready to call us “girlfriend” or “boyfriend”, I let 2 months go by. He said he wanted to “get to know me” and in 2 months, he said nothing has changed and he felt the same. I ended it and I’m very happy with my choice. In hindsight, he never put in effort to actually get to know me and it was always me doing the work in the relationship to progress it to the next level. I just couldn’t go on like that. I need someone to be as sure of me as I am of them and put in equal amount of effort. Im a very happy single lady now.

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-01-04T16:20:41+00:00

I said "I love you" first, after about four months. My husband said it back immediately, but we often joke that if I hadn't said it first, he still wouldn't have said it. We've been together nearly eight years. This is a very individual situation and I don't think being honest about your feelings, even first, is a bad thing. If nothing else, it's made you aware of the disconnect.

For the time being, I think you're making the right choice, just enjoying the relationship and letting it progress. I also don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that you checked in after a few months. That being said, you need to decide your limit for how long you want to pursue a relationship where the man admits he isn't in love and is concerned about that. That could be based on a number of factors, like age, place in life, and just what makes you comfortable. No one else can decide for you, but you should set a limit and stick with it. Don't announce it. I'm not suggesting an ultimatum. Just decide for yourself and if he's not there by x amount of time, it's okay for you both to move on.

Plus_Maintenance1647 · 2023-01-04T19:20:51+00:00

Normally, I'd say it isn't a dealbreaker when you're dating. Some guys hold off on saying "I love you" for much longer than even 7 months. Some assume you know already from their actions and feel they don't have to. Some have been burned in the past and are more cautious about saying it. Some just feel they shouldn't say it unless they're ready and able to follow up on it (e.g. with a ring).

However:

He said his feelings were the same since we last talked about it. They haven't grown and he isn't closer to saying ILY than he was previously. I asked does this concern him, he said "a little bit but I'm trusting in giving it more time, and hoping it will happen".

He also said he's slightly worried that I'll continue to develop feelings and if he doesn't...what that would look like down the line (essentially more hurt for me).

This, your respective ages, and your last post here together tell me that you're dealing with a one-sided relationship. If he loved you but just hadn't said it, then he wouldn't be expressing concerns like this.

You'd hear about his plans for the two of you in the future (e.g. doing this or that next Christmas)
He'd repeatedly and regularly tell you that he's happy with you and only you
He'll reassure you that he won't be moving away if a job opportunity comes up
If he's younger or not done with school (for example), and hence not ready to propose yet, he'll still make it clear to you that these are the reasons why....because he doesn't want you to think he's in a position to do so but just doesn't love you
You'd be talking together hypothetically about house types you both like, where to live, how he'd feel about you working vs. being a SAHM/SAHW
He would know you very very well, even better than you know yourself, and push you to do better
He would make very concrete, real sacrifices for you

In short: he wouldn't be telling you not to get too attached or to brace for pain down the line, and you wouldn't be wishing he "felt differently." You would know.

sweetiewrap · 2023-01-04T15:58:58+00:00

I think you made the mistake of telling him how you feel before he did. In my experience if a man is ready to say it he'll say it and by making that first move you can almost guarantee disappointment. What I would consider moving forward is how intimate your relationship is now both physically and emotionally. When these have hit their peak one would assume that love is also involved. You can give him more time if you feel like it's needed however keep in mind that like he put in his own words, this could be leading to more hurt down the line.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-01-04T15:13:29+00:00

Just as a data point, would it be better if he lied to you and said that he loved you when he doesn’t? Or at least does not yet? Because if he said, I love you, I just to keep you happy, that’s coercion and not love. Also, are you 2 exclusive?

Lab_Brat_13 · 2023-01-05T00:29:04+00:00

My fiancé and I were together for 3 years, living together and shopping for a house before either of us said I love you. We both knew how the other felt so I don’t think words were needed. Some men (and me I guess) just don’t communicate well with words. His actions can show you how he truly feels.

LateralThinker13 · 2023-01-05T17:05:44+00:00

Can you tell me what you would do in this situation? Have I messed up with my approach?

You're fixating on the words. Stop that. I have a better question: Does he SHOW you he loves you? Men say it NOT with words much more often than they say it.

If he shows it, keep him. If he doesn't, don't. But stop forcing him to voice it in YOUR way. Listen to his instead.

Material_Service_473 · 2024-08-02T22:19:58+00:00

I’m in a similar situation currently and reading the comments, I think two very important topics are being neglected when people say ‘it’s just in the actions’. Actions are overwhelmingly important, but I’ll divulge on the two important notes below.

Words of affirmation are a type of love language and if someone needs that, it’s on them to honour their needs and their partner (if they sincerely do love them) to express that. Love languages are important to understand if you’re to ensure healthy communication and fulfilment, even if they’re not always aligned.
Saying I love you fits under the umbrella of vulnerability. You can be a wonderful partner and still lack the ability to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is so important though, at least in my opinion. What emotional intelligence can grow without the ability to be vulnerable with the people you love most? Many happy relationships will thrive without it, but I hope they never fall on hardship or losses because this is when actions may fall short. sometimes all we need is a space where those deep feelings can see the light and be held with gentle hands. And that starts with being able to talk your feelings with those three simple words.

RedPillDad · 2023-01-05T06:09:22+00:00

Whenever my wife whispers to me that she loves me, I tell her she's a crazy-ass bitch, but I think I'll keep her around for a while. Seriously. Do you really want your man to gush over you like a puppy? Declarations of love are fluff, demonstrations of love are the real deal.

AutoModerator · 2023-01-04T15:01:26+00:00

Title: He Hasn't said I Love You

Full text: Hi, hope to hear your thoughts as I've no one really to speak to about this at the moment and my head is a bit foggy.

My boyfriend and I are together 7 months. Coming up to the 6 month mark, I told him I loved him. He said he was delighted to hear it, but he wasn't ready to say it just yet. He reassured me it made him very happy to hear me say it and said he has strong feelings for me. Over the month that followed, we didn't bring it up again - we spent a lot of lovely time quality together, we went on our first trip abroad, spent time with each others families over Christmas, and I felt we were getting closer. I was hoping he would profess his love on Christmas or New Year lol. Anyway, on New Year's Day while we we together, I got upset thinking about the year ahead (mainly due to having a sick parent and what the year will hold for them, but also wondering where the relationship will go) I communicated both of these to him, and instigated a check-in on our feelings.

He said his feelings were the same since we last talked about it. They haven't grown and he isn't closer to saying ILY than he was previously. I asked does this concern him, he said "a little bit but I'm trusting in giving it more time, and hoping it will happen". I was disappointed considering I personally felt the time that had been passing was special, but I took it on the chin and said I was happy to go with he flow and see how things develop. He also said he's slightly worried that I'll continue to develop feelings and if he doesn't...what that would look like down the line (essentially more hurt for me). Anyway, I said there's no pressure, and we'll just see how things go.

Now, the more I think of it, I can't help but think we're putting off an inevitable break up as more time passes and he'll still feel the same. As I type this, I see I'm coming across as antsy but I do feel as it's spoiling the relationship for me a bit with it in the back of my head. Can you tell me what you would do in this situation? Have I messed up with my approach?

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Title	He Hasn't said I Love You
Author	peachiesunset
Upvotes	22
Comments	27
Date	January 4, 2023 3:01 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1035pc4/he_hasnt_said_i_love_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/he-hasnt-said-i-love-you.1147096 https://theredarchive.com/post/1147096

Comments