The life of a twenty something western woman is fairly banal. She has low stress job where she constantly checks her phone. Her friends aren’t really into deep conversations or discussing complicated things. They are there for her but only when it’s convenient. Sometimes she indulges by shopping or eating unhealthy food which offers her fleeting excitement. Other times she’ll go to the gym in a hot new outfit and peddle lazily on the elliptical while reading a magazine.

Women don’t really challenge themselves, which is why their lives are pretty boring. Many of them actively want and seek a source of drama to give their lives meaning. The best source of drama for women is men. Serial monogamy is a constant validation roller coaster. Meeting a hot guy, obsessing over him, fucking him, analyzing him and finally ending the relationship and tweeting some sad song lyrics are all important components of the drama cycle.

Men are nothing but clowns to the modern woman. Their purpose is entertainment. Drama in a relationship is inevitable because that’s the whole point of the relationship in the in first place. A woman will start a pointless argument, escalate it, storm out and then reveal in the validation of texting her friends for advice. Female social circles need drama, in the same way that the military industrial complex needs war.

So what’s a man to do? Some men will choose to avoid women entirely becoming porn researchers in the process. Other men will tolerate the drama or try to avoid it. Around here we call those men betas. Or you can accept woman for who they are. You can accept that women need you to provide them drama and if you don’t they’ll make some of their own.

Positive Drama: If you are creative and have lots of time and energy it may be possible to keep her distracted enough so that she won’t cause drama. Cook with her. Take her on walks. Do fun positive things that she can tell her friends about. Lie to her, make up a really emotional story that she can repeat to her friends. I personally don’t feel that this method is 100% effective but it’s worth trying before you succumb to the dark side,

Neutrality: There are numerous things that you can do to make yourself a poor bad drama target. By being concise and detached during an argument you rob her of the emotional response that she craves. You can be Socratic and ask a lot of questions in an effort to shift the focus from yourself. Or you can take an absurdist approach take off your clothes, insist on being referred to as The Watermelon, so that she disengages rather than indulge your stupidity.

The Dark Side: Rather than wait for her to start an argument you can seize the initiative and start your own. Accuse her of some ridiculous bullshit. My friend said he saw you in a porn video. Don’t lie to me. Try to get her really emotional then walk out. Refuse to talk about it. What you did hurts me but I’m choosing to accept it for now. Treat her the way women treat men. How come you never take out the trash? Are you too fancy to take out the trash? You’re so fancy you already know from LA to Tokyo, that you don’t take out the trash? Bonus points for sarcastically quoting the top 40 she listens to. You can also try exhausting her physically so that she doesn’t have the energy to start arguments. Next time she’s sitting on the couch watching YouTube makeup tutorials yell: rape defense drill. Then pull a Steve Irwin and do some feisty bitch wrangling. This is a perfect opportunity to nostalgically revisit your middle school bullying tactics of Indian burns, pulling people’s shirts over their faces and wet willies. Continue this until she loses the will to fight back. This shouldn’t take too long considering that her only form of physical exercise is herp derp on the elliptical. If she complains, point out that a lot of people also complain about fire drills but it’s better than being burned alive.

I’m in the process of ramping up my social media presence.To get updates on my posts follow me on twitter @GayLubeOil. My goal is to eventually come out with a line of GayLubeOil gym tanks and a YouTube channel if I can get the right people together.