I got what I wanted.

Note: this entire post is whiny, emotional and a huge rant as well as some insights I've learnt. I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe inspire some new people not to follow in my footsteps.

[Summary] I'm 24 years old, I've had one girlfriend before who I lost due to her moving to U.S. 4 years ago. I've been lurking TRP for a solid year and half now and I could never relate to any of the advice given. You could say I couldn't believe any of the theory regarding TRP, so I made a promise to get into a relationship with a woman and act naturally, for me naturally means blue pill as I am conditioned to treat women like Disney princesses. Only through a cruel heartbreak did I feel I could gain enough experience and harden up emotionally.

[Body]

I met a girl a while ago. Let's call her L. My brain decided to like L a lot. L is 23 years old, has a great ass and a great personality. We could talk for hours and not get bored, we'd spend all day texting each other and not get bored of one another.

I soon started realizing that L was really passive. She didn't have any interesting hobbies, the only cool thing she really did was go to trance festivals, which are quite big here in Holland. I learned afterwards that she did drugs at those parties as that was the only way she ever really felt relaxed or happy. I was okay with this, since I do too.

Before we started dating we spent a lot of time texting, getting to know each other and whatnot. It didn't take me long to learn that she was depressed. She didn't directly tell me, but as someone who has been depressed before, I can pick out the major symptoms easily.

Three months after texting, we finally decided to meet up. She told me she was gonna get some ice cream. I asked if I could come as I've been really interested in meeting her. She said she hoped I'd ask her. We ate our ice cream for about 5 minutes, then spent 3 more hours just chatting while sitting in the same place. There was never an awkward moment.

L tells me she has to leave for dinner but how she had a great time, how she think's I'm cute and if I want to meet up again some other time. I told L I feel the same way though I'm not quite sure what to make of her yet, but that I'm willing to find out.

L and I go home, we start texting about how easy it was to talk to each other and how we're both really looking forward to see each other again.

Fast forward a month later. L and I went out a couple of times, this time we decided to go to a club to go dancing. I knew something was gonna happen. Nothing major, L had issues with men touching her so I told her I'd be respectful and go slowly. On our first night out we just danced and talked until I eventually mustered up the courage to kiss her. We kissed and I smiled my like a little child. It had been four years since I kissed a woman and I couldn't believe I was ready to start something new again. L smiled back at me and told me she was really excited to see me smile like that.

A few days later, L tells me ''we need to talk''. Naturally my first instinct is to panic as that is never a good sentence to be told, but we met up and sat in a park for a few hours. During this conversation she told me that she thinks she's never been in love before. She specifically said ''think'' because she doesn't know how she feels most of the time. She also admits that she doesn't have these feelings for me or isn't sure of them. She liked me a lot, but she wasn't sure if she was in love with me. She tells me that she thinks I'm really special and unlike other guys. That she feels like she really wants to fall in love with me and see if it's possible for her.

During our time, I would say I treated L like royalty. I was entirely blue pill as that was the aim of my involvement with her. I needed to see for myself that my natural, blue pill way, wasn't very effective when it comes to dating women. I treated her with respect, kindness, loyalty and was always down to listen to her problems. I was available.

L said she appreciated me a lot for those qualities. ''Most men are absolute pigs, but I think you're special. I want to be your girlfriend so badly but I don't know how I feel - if I feel love for you at all''

I told her: ''I'll wait for you. As long as I need to because you're special to me too.''

We hugged, kissed and eventually did some stuff. No fucking, just helping each other get off. She told me she lusted for me and I could tell. She was wet as fuck. She just told me: "I just can't have actual sex with you yet until I start feeling butterflies in my stomach''. I told her I understood and that we were gonna do things slowly not to risk our relationship.

Once again L told me I was not like other guys and that I was very special to her.

We dated for a few more months. We did everything boyfriend/girlfriend thing in the book (except for sex). We went to theme parks together, went to a festival together, did XTC together, cuddled in the park, watched movies, went to my place (albeit my parents place actually) where she even met my parents. My parents rated her highly. They thought L was sweet.

L at some point brought up her issue of still not still not knowing how she feels about me. She told me that when she gets depressed about our relationship, she gets certain thoughts she can't stop thinking. She was overthinking the relationship. She told me we couldn't keep going on like this forever, acting as boyfriend/girlfriend even when she doesn't feel anything real. It soon became apparent to me that her depression brought along a good, familiar friend. Anhedonia. The inability to feel strong, positive feelings. She told me ''the only time I ever experience strong, happy feelings is when I'm on XTC and I know that feeling is fabricated.''

I told her that if she wanted change, she should go see a psychologist. I told her it's not strange for people to lose their ability to feel or to get confused about certain feelings. I've experienced the same in the past so I tried to be as supportive as I could be.

About 7 days ago, she literally told me: I really like you a lot. I think you're very good to me - sometimes too good - and I don't know when and how this thing between us will end but it won't for a while. Not until I feel like I've tried everything I can to love you. I believed her. I wanted to believe her. I was so infatuated with her.

3 days ago she started acting funny. Her responses became short and she told me she needed to go talk to her psychologist about something. I asked her what it was and she said ''I can't discuss that with you. Not now.'' Usually when she gets like this, I try to talk it over and convince her we're doing the right thing. This time she didn't find any comfort in it.

Yesterday I get a phone call. ''Wes, I've just seen my psychologist and I feel like we need to talk.'' I told her I'd drive up to her house and that we could discuss it in my car (She never allowed me to see her mother and stepdad because she is fearful of her mother. Their relationship is very bad.)

I drive up to her house, she gets in. Greets me and straight up tells me: ''my psychologist and I had a session today and she is kinda confirming what I've been thinking about these past two days. She told me that I'm not unsure of how I feel about you but that I want you too badly to face the reality - that I don't love you.

My first instinct was feeling cheated. After all, I advised L to go seek help. Now the woman helping her is telling L that she doesn't love me and because of this affirmation, L feels strongly that she has to end things with me. I sit there in anger, trying to convince her to not give it up. I tell her that I despise myself for ever getting close to her and giving her all my time and patience. L almost starts crying and says ''I'm sorry for putting you up with me.''

I tell L: I hope you are aware that, when you walk out of this car, we will never ever talk to each other ever again. It'll be over between us and the past months were a waste. L tells me she knows but that this is best.

I ask L: aren't you afraid you're gonna miss me? We've been texting and hanging out regularly for the past few months. Aren't you afraid you'll have made a huge mistake after this decision?

She says ''I do fear that but I don't feel like I'm giving up love. I think this is best for me.'' We sit there in silence for about 3 minutes until she casually brings that she should probably go as we have nothing left to talk about.

I tell her that I still have a million things I want to ask and talk about but I'm just shocked and hurt. She tells me she understands and that she feels terrible because she knows I'm gonna miss her way more than she'll miss me. I pretty much call her an asshole for saying that, she gets angry at me and nearly starts crying again.

I ask L: so what's gonna happen now? We'll stop talking to each other, we won't ever see each other again. We'll become strangers and you'll try to meet more guys to see if they can ''awaken'' love in you?

She tells me: that's the plan. I reply: you're gonna have this problem with every single guy you meet in the future. This has been a problem for you with your last 2 boyfriends and you've been with them for 8 years and 2 years respectively. Her response: then they're just not the right guys for me and I'll be forever alone until I meet someone who does make me feel love.

I tell her that the problem is with her. That she needs to fix her emotional problems if she ever wishes to find any kind of love whatsoever. She tells me she has to go, that this conversation isn't going anywhere and that we're done talking. She tells me: I suppose you don't want a last hug to say goodbye? I just shake my head and say ''goodbye''.

[Lessons learnt]

I can safely say I feel really shit right now. I'm angry. I'm gonna do my best to get over it and apply more and more red pill philosophies next time. The biggest thing I've learnt is not to make women a priority in your life. You can't live for her. As a man, you are the one living your life. Achieving your goals and setting new ones along the way. Your girlfriend/wife/plates is/are someone who just tags along the way and exists to serve your own needs while you achieve your goals. You're the captain of this ship and she's the crew. Your crew is replaceable and there's plenty for hire. All women are the same and want the same.

One of the basic things I, and every newcomer who comes here, should learn is to control your emotions. Never get infatuated and never look at someone using pink glasses. Nobody is special, unicorns don't exist and awalt. She will dump your ass once you stop serving her basic needs so we must learn to never be servants. The only question I haven't been able to answer yet is: how can I learn to control my emotions when I'm a sensitive guy?

If you made it all this way, thank you for reading.