Boundaries with MIL

SteelSharpensSteel · 2018-02-15T20:06:28+00:00

Literally WTF. "Mentally broke down my son"?!? And you let this woman stay near your children?!?

Damn man, grow some stones, set a boundary, and do not let this woman walk all over you.

Part of me agrees with u/red-sfpplus - change the damn locks. Call the cops if you have to. Your children's safety is paramount.

red-sfpplus · 2018-02-15T19:59:41+00:00

Well, if your not going to take one for the team and hate fuck the MIL to put her in her place then...

The next thing is to drop some balls and tell her to GTFO out of your home. Change the lock. Get the key back. Be a fucking man. She doesnt wanna leave? Call the cops.

Fuck all this non-sense with the MIL.

Then, tell the SO, to pick a side. She can go with MIL or she can be a member of your crew. Not both.

I would slap a ho that talked bad to my kids. WTF is wrong with you.

2ndal · 2018-02-15T19:56:50+00:00

Pulling her aside and laying out a long list of demands is only going to cause an argument. She will have an emotional retort to each one of your statements that your logical comeback has no power against.

Instead, you need to be addressing these when they happen.

When she is being emotionally abusive, pull her aside and let her know it is not acceptable and if it continues she will not be invited over.

When she doesn't respect your physical property, pull her aside and let her know it is not acceptable and if it continues she will not be invited over.

You get the point.

If she offers up an emotional retort, continue to restate your boundary without engaging in an argument. And then, for fuck's sake, be a man of your word if she crosses the boundaries you lay out.

[deleted] · 2018-02-16T13:33:03+00:00

I'm going to go in a different direction.

You are still afraid of your wife.

You tolerate disrespect and shitty behaviour. Why? Because firstly you still aren't sure that captain's hat fits right, and secondly you're afraid of being left piloting an empty ship if you rock the boat too much.

MIL is just another symptom. The common denominator is you. Wife has no boundaries, MIL has no boundaries, because you enforce no boundaries.

The two women in your life go through three bottles a night? Fuck. Start there.

MIL doesn't get any more free passes if she's been drinking.. no grandkid interaction, no sleepovers, no showing up unannounced. Frame it as a safety issue if you must, but draw a line. Would you let some random drunk that hates you take care of your kids? That's exactly what you're doing.

Wife? Same thing. If she can't control her liquor, then you as captain need to enforce the workplace rules about coming to work under the influence. She'll fight on this.

Don't go all spergy and shut it off, though. It can both trigger withdrawal - delerium tremens (DT's) which can cause seizures and death - (that's bad), and to demonise alcohol it's simply taking attention from the actual issue of why your wife needs to get tipsy every night.

Cut it to 2 glasses a night for two weeks. Then a glass a night for the next. Then try two weeks with no daily alcohol.

Your ship is a fucking disaster. You let your crew run around hammered doing whatever the fuck they want, cutting off the sonar masts, pissing in the corner, spraypainting "There is no captain here" on the bow.

Your plan of sitting MIL down and pedantically logicing her to death will not work. Acta non verba, remember? Bad girl gets stick, good girl gets carrot. YWimmen and logic are oil and vinegar. You need to take the lead on this, both because it's your fucking job, and your wife is the daughter of an unrestrained drunk, so she she will NEVER be respected by mom, let alone have any authoriey.

Your ship needs an overhaul and the crew needs to know they're replaceable. You're capable of piloting the SS Pussywhipped solo for months if need be.

See this as a failure to lead. Women and children will get away with exactly as much as you allow.

So set the bar, because currently your bar is just an open bar. And change the name of your boat. It's embarrassing.

[deleted] · 2018-02-15T20:00:49+00:00

Just shows up with 10 minute warning and stays for a week.

You don't have to let her stay, you know. WISNIFG.

And trying to reason with a drunk is, well, generally futile most times.

mrpthrowa · 2018-02-15T20:24:04+00:00

I think you need to set just one giant boundary around your house and she is not allowed into it full stop.

then just observe and reward good behaviour from afar when you visit her.

man_in_the_world · 2018-02-15T23:28:51+00:00

Three to four months ago I drew a boundary after she planted a potted plant without consent on my property and cut my roses. After that day I spoke with my wife about setting the boundaries below.

I would need SO to somehow stand up to her mother. I have been considering having SO read WISNIFG, but it would then be a tool against me, lol.

No, you didn't try to set a boundary, you tried to get your wife to set and enforce a boundary, while you hid behind her skirts like a scared child, because you're a pussy.

Your wife needs for you to step up and protect her and your kids. She needs for you to play the 'bad cop' role on this one, so that she can maintain a relationship with her mother.

Before you declare your boundaries to your MIL, make a realistic plan beforehand exactly how you will enforce them.

Can you simply ban alcohol and drunkenness in your home?

drty_pr · 2018-02-16T00:50:16+00:00

People can give you all the advice you think you want to hear, but until you stop being pussy, she will continue to treat you like a pussy. Until you start acting like a man, you wife won't respect you like a man. Until you can lead your family through this mess, you will be a mess of a leader.

You see, even when I was at my worst state of drunk captain, I wouldn't have stood for this shit. The fact you have allowed this nonsense to go for as long as it has shows not only how sad you are, but why you need this place so badly.

So basically read, lift, STFU and become the type of man who not only doesn't have situations like this in his life, but one who can deal with them effectively when he has to.

ReddJive · 2018-02-16T03:18:12+00:00

I was very clear in your OYS post.

This is your fault. You need to get your head out of your fourth post of contact. Realize there are shitty people in your life. Your MIL and SO are two of them.

The_Litz · 2018-02-16T10:03:33+00:00

Don't go through the whole list, you are going to try and use logic with your list.

Just start with one boundary, she calls before visiting. Like a day before. And she asks if she may stay over, a day in advance.

Then take action from there when she starts her shit. The booze is probably the cause of her bad behaviour, so when she starts boozing you step in.

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2018-02-16T19:18:49+00:00

If only you had a frame and weren’t a harmless mouse. Talk to her like you really want to instead of hiding. Stop using so many words. Give her two choices; continue and lose your invitation to the home or comply.

ReddingtonsShitList · 2018-02-17T16:26:37+00:00

What the fuck? Where are your balls? Why would you allow someone who is abusive to your kids to be in your house?

Tell your wife that MIL is not allowed over anymore until she gets her shit together. If MIL tries to show up, don't allow her in the house and call the cops if she refuses to leave.

DJiamuzak · 2018-02-17T19:14:07+00:00

I had something similar but not to the same extent. (I was BP when this went down.) The MIL was a constant issue in our marriage. She would manipulate SO and cause conflict within the family. Really f*cked up sh!t. Super selfish and completely devoid of introspection. It became an on going power struggle between MIL and me for my wife. I was putting the squeeze on my wife to handle it...being the BP guy and avoiding confrontation.

One day MIL calls and ends up fighting with SO. SO wouldn’t do something MIL wanted. MIL proceeded to start yelling, so much so, I could hear it standing 10 ft away. SO was crying and looked to me like “can we so I don’t have to deal with this anymore?” Something in me snapped. I grabbed the phone and said, “That’s enough. If you want to talk about this, you can talk to me.” She proceeded to tell me what I needed to do and I simply said, “No, we’re not doing that.” She starts yelling at me to put SO back on the phone. <click> She called back over and over. On one of the calls, I yelled back at her, “You WILL NOT treat my wife like this, PERIOD!” <click>

SO was distraught. “We’re never going to see my mum again, blah, blah, blah.” For some reason I held firm. Months later, we get a call from MIL inviting us over. She has been a pussy cat ever since. Cooks special stuff for me, gives me head of the table seating at family events, etc. YMMV

OP, I was blue as one of the Blue Man Group when I did this. You need to nip this in the bud. Do it the next time she crosses boundaries.

unfukmylife · 2018-02-15T22:04:40+00:00

I am very new to MRP and very much still learning, so I will limit my comments to this: You can find a LOT of good tips on the JustNoMIL subreddit.

Title	Boundaries with MIL
Author	ABC_NO
Upvotes	2
Comments	39
Date	February 15, 2018 7:49 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7xszic/boundaries_with_mil/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/boundaries-with-mil.204814 https://theredarchive.com/post/204814

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