Married 10 years. Both early 40s. Have small kids. Alpha frame from start (had spun plates, read roissy, etc) surely eroded over time.

Re-centered myself on red pill about 4 years ago, but now realize I never fully internalized it.

After some meltdowns from wife, began to work up to dread level 5. Sex was 3-5x per week, but she was always anxious, accusing me of cheating or wanting other women, or planning to leave her, and I ignored many many comfort tests mistakenly interpreting them as shit tests and ocassional sexual denials as meaning my SMV needed more work/more dread. I also failed to reset every day and would go aloof for days at a time.

This made things worse, and a cycle of great times followed by her 1x per year or so threatening divorce has ensued for 3 years. I always called her bluff in those moments, but I also entered her emotional frame, and I now realize:

  • I treated her like I didn’t like her
  • I did own my shit/take care of the house etc, but I did not completely lead my family…I began to act as though my wife was someone I was stuck with
  • She was desperate for comfort and connection, which I failed to provide
  • The threats were a way to get my attention, commitment and energy
  • The anxiety I created for her became a burden

She also found some red pill writings (huge drama ensued about my views on women).

A month ago, a sexual denial lead me to go aloof leading to her saying she wants a divorce to which I said “if that’s what you want so be it.” She asked to divorce amicably, and I agreed to schedule a mediation consult which is this week. She asked me to leave the bed. I said no. She moved to couch, then came back to bed after about a week.

I began to re-read Sidebar, read NMMNG, WISNIFG, MMSLP, MAP, etc, and journaling. I see my validation needs, my failure to have OI, as my biggest weakness. I realize I was playing/acting a part, and I was going way too fucking hard.

After a few days I expressed that I didn’t think divorce was the answer, we had a path forward, I am reflecting on changes I can make, what I need from her, and that I want to ‘choose her’ but that I am prepared to move forward if she isn’t onboard. She said she wanted to think about it, then came back and said she has doubts about getting divorced, but maybe we should, cried, why will it be different this time, my view on women worry her, I can be such a jerk, etc.. I broken record it will be better, etc, then we are interrupted by kids and she hugs/kisses me so I leave the convo alone (actions, not words).

I have continued to try to (truly) internalize I am the prize, to be aware I will be ok (maybe better) if this ends. However I definitely have codependent issues and prefer the marriage not end.

For the past month I have been upbeat, leading the kids, but also spending more time lifting every day, being alone, etc. She continues to seek my attention, cook, defer to me on decisions ,and has begun coming to me for hugs/etc in bed. Old me would view giving that up without sex as “weak” but I am giving it right now from what I like to think is a frame of abundance/being the oak/comfort. Last night she told me she has been having dreams I would get a younger woman and more babies and she cried. I held her and she melted into me…I did not try to initiate sex. I want to kill sex for validation and “reset’ in that area with some time.

Mediation consult is scheduled for late this week. At what point do I give the final “in or out” speech, or is that silly?

Basically, I see where I need to continue doing the work on my own path. Any suggestions for whether this is salvageable, and what I should do from here: for myself, and to live into my decision I want to remain married if possible?