Been an on-and-off lurker on the subreddit for a couple of years and I felt like I should write a little bit about what I have learned in so far in my love life.

I would describe myself as having been quite naive in my view of women from my teens until I learned about the psychology behind attraction.

Just to preface the lessons I have learned, I think every guy who reads this should consider whether the things they do and say on a daily basis are motivated by the desire to get laid or not. I know that us men all have huge sexual desire but do not let that guide your direction in life. Be motivated by your own passions, not what you think will you get you more attractive women or social status. When you are highly motivated from within, you will become much more sought after. If you don’t care about what other people think they will care more about what you think.

These are some of the things I try to live by in my interactions and attitude towards women (in no particular order):

1. Don’t prioritise a woman’s looks over all of her other traits. If you’re only after her for her beauty and she knows this then it will have the potential to make her think her only value is her sex appeal and she will either dumb herself down or neglect building her own personality. You will stunt her possibility of being a rounded and valuable partner for someone else. I would liken this to fishing. If you’re not gonna eat the fish, throw it back as soon as possible so it will grow in the future.

2. Never view beautiful women as being above you or more special than you. To attach more value to certain people due to their looks is not healthy for them or you. Value their personality more.

3. Don’t treat women differently depending on whether you are attracted to them. If you consciously change your behaviour towards them then you are not being yourself, and being fake is very difficult to sustain.

4. Always consider if you are attracted to a woman based on her availability to you. Every person has a instinctive drive to want what they can’t have. This doesn’t mean it is real attraction.

5. Yes, always assume attraction. But NEVER assume affection. The two are not the same and never will be. This applies specifically to oneitis. Obsessing over a woman will not magically make her feel the same way you feel, no matter how much you want it to.

6. If you see a girl as your oneitis, do not change your personality or your opinions to mirror hers. This will not increase your attractiveness to her and will most likely exacerbate her view of you as “the nice guy” or a friend.

7. Being called “the nice guy” is usually a signifier that you tend to bottle up your emotions or what you really want to say in front of others. Don’t filter. Women are intensely attracted to men who are brave in their convictions and not afraid to be honest.

8. Women, at a more instinctive level, want a man who they see as their equal. If you are sycophantic or overly attached to them, they will realise this at least subconsciously and respect you less as a possible partner. That is why the aggressive douchebag seems to attract more women than the nice guy. He gives no fucks about other people and while probably just because he is self-involved and has little respect for others in general, this irreverence makes women view him as more valuable by the relative difficulty in ‘taming’ him. This does not mean you should be a douchebag yourself but rather that you never be afraid to challenge women on their opinion if you believe something different. Beautiful women especially, are more rarely challenged in what they say when interacting with men because most men think agreeing with everything is the best way to get laid.

9. If you think a girl is becoming your oneitis, always consider whether your feelings towards her are a projection of your own ideal woman or whether she actually possesses those traits. 9 times out of 10 they will be a projection. If other people around you can confirm the girl is who you have built her up to be, then simply get to know her personality more by asking her deeper questions. The more you know about that person the less mystique they will possess. Also never psychologically limit yourself to that one girl if you are only getting to know her.

10. Women may say they are romantics, but this is not the case in the classic “Disney/rom-com” style. Grand declarations of love from a man to a woman rarely work out, if ever. These gestures have a deeply polarising effect on a woman’s attitude towards the man, and most women, if they are not sure of their feelings will reject the advance because of how serious it comes across. Save romance for farther into a relationship.

11. Some women (and men) become attracted to lost causes because they think they can fix the other person. Again, this is a classic ‘challenge’ mentality. Anything that takes more effort and sacrifice is usually equated to being more satisfying once it is accomplished. Do not fall into this trap. There is no guarantee that this will be the case and sacrificing your own happiness in a relationship will not automatically ensure that you will be rewarded in the future.

12. Love at first sight is a fallacy. Lust and infatuation at first sight are absolutely real but aren’t the same thing. Only once you truly know another person on every level can you even consider loving them. Anything before that is just scarcity, physical desire or social pressure talking.

13. I believe, to an extent, in the abundance mindset. That is to say that a lot of feelings I have had towards women in the past were based on me thinking they were unique and I would never meet another person like them ever again. Once you admit that that is not the case then you can truly begin to explore what you feel towards a woman. On the other hand, abundance should never be used as a shield to developing emotional intimacy with a woman. Don’t have an abundance mentality as an excuse to avoid commitment. If you trust that you have chosen a woman based on real attraction, explore it and don’t assume that you have to be seeing three other women concurrently to know how you feel. It may be easier to handle rejection when you think you have many options but everyone encounters rejection so you should learn from it rather than sidestepping it.