Last year, I went through a divorce. After extensive self-evaluation, reading, and dating, I have learned several lessons that I try to adhere to in my every day life. These lessons have allowed me to transition from an approval-seeking Nice Guy, into someone who (the majority of the time) is able been able to have relationships with women who appeal to me, on my terms. Change didn't come easy-- I had to take a hard look at myself initially, and also get comfortable with rejection.

The Nice Guy never dies. As such, I'm not perfect. There are days where I do not fully adhere to the principles below. I'm human; I get down, frustrated, act complacent, and sometimes rely too heavily to my relationship as a source of happiness.

More importantly than the lessons, below remember that imperfection should be embraced, and never be a source of shame. Society has conditioned men and women alike to accept a mindset of self-loathing.

Always focus on FUN, and remember that self-development never ends--even if you stumble, true failure doesn't exist because you're working towards something better than you were previously. Respect yourself, but don't take yourself too seriously. We're in this together. Let's hold each other accountable and celebrate each other's victories. The Hater is a vile sub-species of the Nice Guy.

Women and relationships must never be your primary source of motivation and happiness.

Your independence and pursuit of goals should always take priority. However, this must be approached in a balanced manner if you are in a relationship with someone you care for.

Treat all women the (and people for that matter) the same: friendly and genuinely interested in their story. This is the cornerstone of charisma, which spawns attraction.

Never bore her.

Never bore her. That's not a typo.

Always be the leader in your relationship. This doesn't mean be controlling, rigid, or domineering. It means being centered in you masculine core; you must make sure she always feels protected and doesn't need to be the primary decision-maker in the relationship.

When planning dates, you act spontaneous and make the plans, instead of deferring to her.

When she is emotional and argumentative, you stay balanced and are never swayed. This was something I failed at greatly in my marriage, and was the primary reason for its deterioration.

Be like a father. This does not mean emulate her father-- rather, it means to emulate the ideal fatherly archetype in your relationship. From an emotional standpoint, the father is a rock. Good fathers listen intently, are fun/silly, centered, and slow to anger, physically strong, calmly set boundaries, and demonstrate superiority through their actions.

Always be willing to walk away and never look back if she continually violates your boundaries, betrays you, or demonstrates deceptive behavior. These have to be reasonably stated boundaries, and not egotistical rules meant to control her. Walking away for good is easier said than done. But if she has proven to be devious or untrustworthy, you will ultimately be better off.

Never fetishize a woman's beauty or put her on a pedestal. Appreciate and revel in her beauty, but view it rather as a component of her feminine energy and overall persona. She is a human being just like you--she goes to the grocery store, gets annoyed at work, feels insecure, gets gassy, gets down at times.

Always be genuinely busy. Truly high-value men are busy working towards their purpose and goals, and options with other women. If you are intentionally evasive with women with being truly busy, it is contrived and will be ultimately sniffed out. Women, who are driven by emotion and connections, are incredibly intuitive and and will sense this.

Never pursue a woman who is tepid with her emotions or disinterested. Only spend your time with women who display a high level of attraction to you. If they are attracted, they will make themselves available despite being busy, will do the majority of the communicating, both initiating and in person.

Always internally gauge a woman's attraction level from 1-10. DO NOT project your personal attraction to her and assume she feels the same. Observe her and take a realistic evaluation of her attraction level. This concept is explained in Corey Wayne's How to Be a 3% Man, in the references list.

Meeting women is simply a numbers game. Many women will be attracted to you, especially if you develop your masculine core, stay groomed, and take care of yourself physically. However, many won't, no matter what you do. The myth of the unbeatable ladies' man is exactly that--a myth. Do not waste time trying to flip women who do not display at least moderate levels of attraction over an extended period. 'Leagues' with women are a myth. Women fall into only two categories: those who are attracted to you and those who aren't. You have control of whether the majority fall into the former category.

For your own physical and mental well-being, you must exercise regularly, preferably with the focus on strength or resistance training, as opposed to solely Cardio. Google 'Harvard Health Weight Training Mood'

Body language is the most powerful mode of communication. We were communicating with our bodies long before we expressed ourselves verbally and through the written word. Always adopt body language that takes up space and is OPEN - as if you were a gorilla. Walk with shoulders back, a straight spine but not stiff, with bounce in your step coming from you heels and a slight swing in your arms. When sitting, sit 'exposed', drape one of your arms around the nearest chair or table if no one is sitting there. Widen your legs as if you were daring someone to kick you in the genitals. Don't cross your legs like a woman, but with your ankle resting on your other knee, forming a wide 90 degree angle with your legs.

You do not need to be ripped or incredibly muscular to be attractive, but always strive for toned arms, strong shoulders and a broad chest, all features that enhance body language and appearance of dominance.

Fit and personal comfort are far more important than price and brand when it comes to clothing. Do not wear loose or frumpy clothing; however, don't wear anything too constrictive that inhibits 'open' posture as described above. Paraphrasing from the Charisma Myth: your comfort greatly impacts your ability

If you splurge on a 'clothing' item, make it an ANALOG watch. High quality watches display maturity, high-value, dominance, and security. Apple Watches do not apply. Apple Watches and Fitbits are a feminine accessory. When you’re out on a date, notice what type of watch the majority of women wear nowadays.

Scent is an underrated component of outward attractiveness. Women will associate you with a scent, and will trigger positive emotions within her. Use unscented deodorant and make your cologne your primary scent. Do not pick colognes based on appeal to females, but how they make you feel internally, bold and confident. My personal favorites are ones that have a retro vibe, are classically masculine and polarizing: Chanel Antaeus, Armani Aqua Di Gio Profumo, Creed Aventus (Club de Nuit Intense Man less expensive alternative), Dior Fahreneit, and YSL Kouros.

De-stagmatize rejection. Everyone has experienced harsh rejection at some point. Realize this and you will pursue pleasure instead of avoid pain. If you are rejected by 100 women, but win the heart of a beautiful dream girl, will you honestly refer back to the rejections? Rejection should be approached from a mental position of bemused ambivalence. If you encounter a particularly stinging rejection, visualize your closest friends, or perhaps the most alluring woman you have ever experienced and her positive interactions with her. Envision yourself as part of a global community that has had the same experience at one point. Allow yourself to feel the sting of the rejection, evaluate it, then move on.

If you are unsuccessful with women-- or unsuccessful in general-- it is 100% your fault. All women on Earth did not secretly confer and determine that you are undesirable. It is your fault that you did have not made the effort to become more attractive, set personal boundaries, and develop your masculine core. It's not their fault you project your attraction onto them and fail to speak their language effectively. The Red Pill and Incel communities are essentially disgruntled Nice Guys who have failed to realize this and take control of their own destiny.

Men have been falsely conditioned through Hollywood, pornography, and corporate marketing to believe that a) women are owed to us b) women are earned. These seemingly contradictory messages are the basis of the Nice Guy belief system. Women are SEDUCED-- not earned.

Seduction is not manipulation of a woman's emotions, but rather effective engagement of her emotions. Proper seduction comes from a place of authenticity and centered, dynamic masculinity.

Always be genuine in your actions towards anyone. If you give a compliment to a woman, it must be an expression of you true internal mindset. Never use compliments, gifts, etc. to gain 'points' as a barter for sex or affection. If you tell a woman she's beautiful, truly feel it and express without expectation or reciprocation. Mean that shit.

Never change you core beliefs, interests, or fundamental behaviors for women. Always be boldly vulnerable with who you are. This does not mean to be rigid and never explore her interests with her, but rather never be ashamed of who you are, what you believe, and what your ambitions are.

If a woman is disrespectful or crosses and important personal boundary of yours, verbalize your disapproval in a calm, centered, upfront manner. If you care for her or love her, always begin your statement by telling her that. You must subsequently articulate what boundary she crossed, why you have those boundaries, and that it will not be tolerated--in a non-threatening, centered manner. You will also respect her boundaries and listen with intent when she expresses the same things.

Pornography must be removed from your life completely. It is an artificial, commercialized depiction of human sexuality, and the ultimate demotivator for interaction with high-quality women. You will never have a dynamic, powerful masculinity as long as you are heavy consumer of pornography.

I was a heavy consumer of pornography myself from my late teens throughout my mid thirties and found the following quote to be accurate: " I was addicted to porn. When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? You become sexually autistic. You develop sexual autism. You have a hard time with eye contact and verbal cues. You get de-sensitized."

Unless you are in a committed relationship, text with constraint. Texting is the most unreliable mode of modern correspondence. All texts should be infrequent, concise, friendly, emotionally ambiguous, and focused on setting definitive dates in person. Don't use exclamation marks or over-use emojis when first talking to a woman. WHEN you text a woman (i.e. time period from when you meet until texting) is not nearly as important as the frequency, wordiness, and perceived neediness of your texts.

Dating apps should not be approached seriously, and viewed rather as an opportunity to practice meeting women, as opposed to a mode of meeting your life partner. Although I met my girlfriend on Bumble, I approached my online dating in this manner, and it has helped me gain tremendous practice in a relatively short amounts of time. When building your profile, use high quality photos, avoid shirtless pics in the bathroom or gym, avoiding fishing/hunting pictures unless you love 'country' girls, include a few pictures with animals, preferably dogs. Demonstrate masculinity and fun, social persona. If you do not have a lot of initial success, do not take it personally or as an indication of your real-world attractiveness. I had the most success and met the highest quality women on Hinge and Bumble. Tinder was a nightmare that made me frightened for humanity, and ultimately deleted.

ALWAYS make the initial date plans--activity, with a definitive time and day. This lets her relax and focus on having fun. If she doesn't like your ideas, you can work together. Make sure you pick activities that YOU will enjoy as well. Never defer to her and make her do the heavy lifting with the date planning.

During sit down dates when you initially date woman, 80% of the time should be spent asking her INTERESTING questions, and genuinely getting to know her. However, don't turn it into a droll interview--keep the focus on her, but also add in your own personal experiences and insights into her answers. You want to keep your answers to her answers relatively concise, and put a positive spin, without dwelling on negativity, such as ex talk.

Humor is a component of attraction, but not the foundation. Nice Guys will focus solely on making a woman laugh by acting life a self-depreciating clown, having a witty quip, or cultural reference in every interaction. In truth, if a woman is highly attracted to you, she will find you funny regardless, and her attraction is not necessarily derived from you being a funny person.

Complacency and lack of upfront communication are the root(s) of suffering in relationships. I was guilty of both in my marriage. If you allow your your partner to become your parent--defer to her for decisions, have her purchase clothing and food, take leadership in the household--her attraction will quickly diminish. Refer back to lesson #5. Never lose sight of what initially attracted your partner to you. No matter how long you are in a relationship, the courtship never ends. If you rode motorcycle when she fell for you, never sell the motorcycle if riding is a passion. If you wrote bad poetry, continue to write (hopefully better) poetry. This does not mean you need to be static and never expand your horizons, but never lose sight of 'that guy' who was purposed-driven when you met. Unfortunately, conventional ideas of responsibility to do not equal attraction.

Books and Internet postings--this one included--are no substitute for experience and living life. Philosophy without application is intellectual masturbation. Don't live inside your head; go on and get out there.

Recommended reading:

The Charisma Myth - Olivia Fox Cabane

The Lost Art of Listening - Michael Nichols

What to Say When You Talk to Yourself - Shad Helmsetter

How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey

Without Saying a Word: Master the Science of Body Language - Kasia Wezowski and Patryk Wezowski

Visualization for Success - Barton Goldsmith

The Book of Pook - Pook

How to Be a 3% Man - Corey Wayne

Models- Mark Manson

The Masculine in Relationship - GS Youngblood

Radical Compassion - Tara Brach