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Exactly65536 Archive

View 11 posts and 904 comments by Exactly65536 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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7

What's so stupid about it? Sounds like you had acted on reasonable assumptions. It didn't work as well as you might have hoped, but nothing bad happened.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 11:26 AM
1

If the return you expect from stock is less than the price of your debt (and I've heard credit card debt is expensive in USA, for example), definitely sell stocks and repay some debt. $1200 per month sounds about okay for food and clothes, even for high cost of living location. I plan to have about the same, only in Euro. Not great, not terrible. But yeah, you will not be making any savings.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 08:51 AM
4

On one hand you have a family built on respect and mutual support. On another - you have an option to pursue love - a thing that is relatively rare and inherently fleeting. Best case you'll find 5 years of love, average - 3-4; but then, of course, you can run for it again. I'd say the choice is obvious. Also, the way you formulate it is "happiness vs family", but that's a false dichotomy. You'd be happier in your family if you realize how little you miss, and you might not find what you are look…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/25 03:22 PM
2

I had a similar question and this here subreddit told me many mortgages are assumable. I checked, and mine indeed was. In any case, if you need it, there is absolutely no reason not to ask your bank.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/25 02:19 PM
2

I see your point, I agree. For someone who's stuck in letting others abuse them that's probably handy. The only comment I have is on this "deserve" thing. Everyone is better off alone than in a relationship where the other person doesn't respect them. Not "I deserve respect" but "do that again and I'll quit". As for "deserves", it's the same as with millionaire. Universe and other people have no obligation to give us what we want, even if we think it's some kind of birthright.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 03:50 PM
2

With that I agree. But it's not the same as "you have value". Your value is not intrinsic, it's determined. By you, and then it's your value for yourself. By others, and then it's your value for them. If your value for other people is low, your boundaries and the threat of you to disengaging would mean little to them. You can still disengage, or maybe you can't - if you are stuck in a marriage and need to agree on a million different things. And "you deserve it" is the most lightweight class of …
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 03:32 PM
1

>The take-away, you have value. You value for other people is determined by them, not you. You can have all the value in the world as measured by yourself; doesn't mean you deserve my respect - that will be measured by me.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 01:59 PM
1

Thank you! >It was never love for her, I was a tool to be used. I think it was. In the beginning, when she was fine with half the income, friends, spending and entertainment. She said "yes I do" while those were in place; probably she loved you. And then she stopped, and what you had became not enough, even after you improved it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 08:45 AM
2

Interesting list. My then-wife did items 1-5, whereas I'd judge myself guilty of 1, 6, 8 and to some extent 2. But I don't think the goal for either of us was "to make them feel like a stranger".
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 11:46 AM
1

I expect to be on good terms with my ex, but even in that case I'd find it difficult to come visit them as a guest in their house. No, it's definitely not the best scenario. And if it's super hard for you, the kids will definitely feel it.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 11:32 AM
2

Good luck. Her proposal sounds reasonable; if you earn more it's even generous. If she is clever and a good negotiator, pay attention. Reasonable proposals often come with "oh, there's one more thing" attached - and that's where it will be bad for you. Usually happens closer to the end of the meeting. As for emotional pain, talk to a therapist, talk to a friend, talk to your family.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 09:46 AM
1

When I'm reading posts like this, I realize just how easy my divorce is. I have a reasonable ex. Our kid goes to the parties he wants to attend, regardless of whose day it is. Stay strong, friend. Technically, I don't think there is much you can do - her day is her day. She can parent how she sees fit, within the limit of the law.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 09:42 AM
3

:) I imagine something like a move from "what a pity, we should consider parting our ways" to "fuck you I file now". But then again, if you've already filed or even already finalized, like OP, that's just the accompanying narrative, the actions remain the same.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 09:37 AM
1

I don't understand how daycare proves your point. I am visiting daycare almost every workday. There are men and women bringing kids in and taking kids out, probably dads do it slightly more often then moms. There are men and women working as caretakers, and men are actually quite good at it; but there are slightly more women than men - I think our daycare has 6 female and 2 male caretakers. The place is the Netherlands.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 09:17 AM
2

>If she doesn't want to talk, it's because it's not a good thing. Not necessarily. I did not want to inform my wife I go to a concert, because we were divorcing and it is no longer her business how I spend my free time. If I'd sign up for a language course intensive, for example, I'd not inform her either.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 09:00 AM
0

Why do you investigate it? It's none of your business, and you should not care. She can attend anal powerlifting training course for all you care. You don't need to keep an eye on it, since you have no control over the situation. If it's something really bad, she has every right to do it anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 08:58 AM
9

I had something of a similar experience: I filed for a divorce, and when we were well into the process discovered she was cheating. But I figured, I can only divorce her once, and I'm already doing it. You've already divorced her. Now you have an extra confirmation you did the right thing, made the right choice.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 08:54 AM
10

I didn't do anything when the divorce was final, neither I plan to do anything when I move out. For me personally, there isn't much to celebrate. It's a failure and it's a "cut your losses" type of event.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 08:41 AM
1

Sounds scary. There must be a pretty good reason to move children away from one of their parents.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 08:40 AM
1

>Her plan is to buy the house from me when she starts her job back up And what happens if this glorious moment is 15 years from now? I mean, it's a condition not a deadline. >I have texts saying that she won't go after my pension as long as I let her keep the house. Is it really a good trade off for you? How much will you be gifting her if she buys the house from you?
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 08:38 AM
1

What did you make yourself do and change to hit the ever moving goal? I am curious about the magnitude of the effort. As in, did you stop leaving your dirty loundry everywhere, or did you abandon your hobby and switched jobs? First being an example of very low and reasonable effort, second - of life changing adjustment.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 08:35 AM
1

Fair enough, thanks! Personally, I've never even attempted to improve in the direction she needed; still not sure if I should have at least tried.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 02:49 PM
1

Did you try to appease and failed? I did not even attempt it and I sometimes wonder if I should have. Like, should I have tried to become the person she decided she wants instead of me? Would it be better?
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 02:24 PM
2

Email makes more sense. Dictating a list over the phone is useless if it's more than 10 items. Pure time waste. I also shared an email (well, a google sheet) with my then-wife that listed my assets despite us sitting in the same room - it just makes sense. You are not best friends anymore, possibly not even friends. You are divorcing, right? It's over. The sooner you'll stop expecting the behavior that is characteristic to your past, the faster you'll embrace your present and your future.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 11:37 AM
10

Oh, what a nice coincidence for her that she needed to improve her mental health precisely half a year before she decided she wants a divorce. I'm sure it has nothing to do with her planning to optimize her gains by minimizing her income. She couldn't have gotten a legal advice, right? That's so not her. As for getting out of this hole, divorcing now will be cheaper then staying married for another half year and divorcing then. If you own the place you live in, selling it will give you some mone…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 11:12 AM
3

When I was past my first divorce, I had learned several lessons. Don't worry about losing the love of your life. Life is long, love is fleeting. Be more resolute. When you see there's no future, act immediately, don't hope and wait. Everyone can be nice and friendly, it's not an indication of how they will behave in a zero-sum game against you. Now, my second divorce seem to have gone much smoother, although we are still co-habiting so technically it's not fully done. The lesson I learned from t…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 09:05 AM
4

You might be a lucky one, true; or you memory might have done a little simplification trick. I know mine does, when I say I had happy 5 years it's an arbitrary border line and a simplification, it was more nuanced that that in this 5 years and some happy things happened even after. But I stick by my recommendation. "Happy marriage" is a symbol, an idea and a Hollywood cliche, like a "glorious battle". There is nothing glorious in battles, ever, it's shit, blood and pain, but it can be made to lo…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:48 PM
8

>Happy households are real. Happy households exist, that's true, but they are temporary. Yours was happy for 1500 days, if I calculated correctly. Mine was happy in my first marriage, for about 2 years. Second lasted longer, I'd say it's been happy for good 5 years. Every couple has a grace period. Beyond that... well, I wouldn't say "nobody is happily married", there are 8 billions of humans and I'm sure some might have succeeded, but look around, can you find a lot of long married people who d…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 02:52 PM
2

Without having any specifics of your conversation, I'd have to go with the same - whatever you told them was boring, mundane, trivial, so they forgot it. But maybe they have dementia. Or maybe your speech is hard to process - too quiet, too fast or too incoherent. Or maybe they are maliciously making fun of you. All theoretically possible. Can't say without more details. But most common case is people forgetting what you said because it's hard to remember.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 12:05 PM
10

The way out seems to be trivial - a divorce. Which might happen regardless of your wishes, she doesn't sound too fond of you or too excited about the future with you. You might be entitled for a spousal support, depending on the length of the marriage and the difference in the income, check out the laws in your country. If you can't afford living where you live, you probably can move to a different place. You don't have kids, right? Then you are not stuck at all.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 11:11 AM
1

Your situation isn't easy, of course, you have gotten yourself into quite a trap, but I'd like to point out a couple of things. First, staying home to take care of kids is a job. It pays nothing, but the way to price it exists: imagine you didn't have your wife but had kids; how much would it cost you to provide the same level of care while maintaining your ability to earn? That's the job your wife took. Yes, you also partook in it when you were available, I understand that, but most of the time…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 10:23 AM
2

$800 for an intro meeting? I don't know how it is where you live, but I also live in a high-cost location (Netherlands) and it's too much. Unless the conversation was 4 hours; and then your expectations that at least a preliminary strategy should be formulated are reasonable. But whatever it is, if you don't like the first conversation, seek another option. It'll get worse. Just don't mistake your comfort and actual help; a lawyer's job is to fight for you, and fighting is unpleasant and often r…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 09:23 AM
3

It hurts, but try not to punish them for it. They don't do that to hurt you. Kids want sweets instead of soup, doesn't mean sweets are better for them. Keep being friendly, do things they like; but be firm that today is the day with you, such is the police and it's not a choice (I'm assuming it is not, right?).
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 07:25 AM
3

What are you panicking about, this major financial issue of yours? I am sure you are able to live without her, because you definitely managed to do that before you met her. And generally adults are capable of living alone. You seem to have succeeded in parenting, your kids are not kids anymore; and, of course, they are now independent. Which is very good and a sign you've done well as a father. What else have you lost?
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 07:20 AM
3

It is common when the things you say are of low importance to the recipient. It's the nature of human memory. We forget things that are unimportant and uninteresting.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 07:15 AM
1

:) Not feeling safe is as good a reason for divorce as any. I remember I almost part ways with my wife because she shared something with her friends she should not have, and I was feeling unsafe. It's possible to cultivate this feeling of being un-safe, of course, but it's also possible to genuinely feel it, depending on the actions of the other. That said, I was addressing a party that is a subject to this accusation, not this feeling.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 06:11 AM
3

If you worry that she will emotionally blackmail you, then you need to build up your armor and prepare yourself. There is almost no possibility to avoid becoming a bad guy in her book. Someone has to be the reason your family failed, and it can't be her, right? If you worry about possible legal consequences, having an argument and even shouting is not illegal. If you break her things, it might be. If you assaulted her and it was recorded, it definitely is illegal and can be used as a leverage. H…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 01:33 PM
4

You don't have to convince yourself these are worthless people. They might be nice and smart, good members of the society. Their opinion still doesn't matter. They are not paying you, they are not influencing your future, they are not your loved ones. It's okay to be perceived as bad. You don't have to convince everyone and your ex that you are good.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 01:00 PM
1

Did you check the law in your country? I mean, you might be correct, I've no idea.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 12:12 PM
2

Does he have any real accusations? Not feeling safe is just that, a feeling. I mean, I'm in a room alone right now and I don't feel safe. It's not actionable in itself.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 12:07 PM
3

My mother kept my father's last name when they divorced exactly because of that. She had published quite a lot of articles under his last name and it was a hassle to change it. You think that your last name is somehow a piece of your marriage, which is gone; but it's not. It's just a combination of letters that has legal meaning, plus whatever arbitrary meaning we want to attach to it, if any.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 12:05 PM
3

>she would whine and complain to her hen house What's stopping you from doing the same, if you think it's such a boon? You have access to social network. I'm sure you can arrange a group of people who'd support you. >One day they'll realize their friend isnt the person she portrays to be on social media. And why do you need them to realize anything? The can believe the Earth is flat and the Moon is made of cheese, for all you care. Why is their judgement important to you?
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 12:02 PM
3

Or because carrying your last name means little to her and changing it is more effort than keeping it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 11:57 AM
2

It's kind of hard to decipher what's going on. I don't know how it is where you live, but where I'm from it wasn't up to you to change her last name, she could keep it if she wanted.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 11:48 AM
5

Isn't child support a good enough reason? I mean, she can have all the other reasons - she can do it out of spite, or to assert her dominance, or she can genuinely believe the kids are somehow better with her than with you. But if we have financial incentive in place, it's always safe to assume people are pursuing that. Of course you will be spending more if you split 50/50, but that's the spending of yours over which she has no control. As opposed to child support, which, I assume, she is spend…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 08:43 AM
8

Congrats on getting to the finish line. From what I read, it can take years and countless battles. And welcome to the new chapter. Whatever it is, it'll be different, that's not too bad at 42 (being 46 myself).
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 02:58 PM
1

Yeah, and you invent nothing, except for some imaginary greater good that he will impose on his unwilling kids by their mere presense next to him.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 01:49 PM
5

Unless she's been asking for some change for years and you have just ignored it, this sudden finality is likely an indication of a better offer, and a solid one. You know, like when people quit the job and are not open for negotiation with a company that wants to keep them. Why is that? They have either received an inheritance or got an offer from competition that they think is better by such a huge margin that the current company will not be able to match it even closely. Basically, her life sc…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 09:09 AM
7

I found that this sub is one of the best resources out there. It's not even advice, it's just understanding that many people go through it and the same time as you do; some are further along the path, some are just thinking about starting it; some do better, some do worse; there are common problems and common solutions. And, probably more improtant, there are a lot of people who are sympathetic to your plight. Other than that, find a good therapist and talk to him or her; but that's fine to feel…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 09:04 AM
7

First of all, that's quite common, it would seem. Men and women seem to deal with stress differently; we need time to recover whereas they recover by going full-on search and advertisement mode. As in, buying lingerie, going out, having sex or sending signals of availability. As for tips, the sooner you accept that she will have sex with other men, the better. One accepts it by acknowledging the fact that you are over, that the family is no more and never will be, that your wife is neither wife …
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 08:32 AM
1

You seem to have valid reasons to be mad. I find comfort in a thought that no child grows in ideal environment, and that's okay; we grow stronger when we have to adapt. If it becomes life-threatening or health-threatening, you should fight with all your might, but if it's just your ex trying to look better than she is, just let her. It's a small concession that affects nothing; fight only the battles that are important.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 08:25 AM
2

The fact that he is their father, alone and in itself, doesn't necessarily mean he is good for them. "Showing up" is something that he should do, it's his obligation and his duty; not something that he must coerce them to do.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 08:04 AM
3

That's the reason why I plan not to marry again. My time is mine to spent. It's not borrowed, it's not owed to someone; I am free to do with it as I see fit. Watch golf. Read a book. Fix whatever I need to fix or leave it broken.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 02:15 PM
3

That's a fair observation. She lost the same in work connections and opportunities, but she is actually compensated for that by alimony, whereas your loss is just your loss. I would be somewhat frightened to let courts make justice in this part of life, to be honest, but maybe that's just me. But while courts' hypothetical involvement remains hypothetical, I believe the only thing you can do is work less, interact more. Same as your ex now probably has to work more to comensate for the loss of i…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 01:30 PM
3

When I talked to my then-yet-wife's boyfriend, he told me he fucked her (he was somewhat spiteful). I answered "you weren't the first, you aren't the last". That's the way to think about your soon to be ex wife partners, I believe.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 01:17 PM
0

>You’re not going for being liked. Then what exactly are you proposing to go for? >It is called parenting. Parenting is acting for the lasting benefit of the kids. Do you think that OP forcing them to be with him is somehow good for them?
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 12:54 PM
5

It is indeed similar to losing a loved one. Which happens, you know. There's no timing these events for our convenience. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself cry. It's a fair, valid reaction. Take a day off if you can afford it. If possible, reschedule your exam or, if not, try to pass it the best you can. Don't hurry to the gym or any other way to make you feel better. Feel bad for a while, that's okay, that's necessary. And, obviously, don't kill yourself. The pain will pass, and you will remain.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 12:48 PM
2

He says he'd never have gotten married, not he'd be better equipped.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 12:31 PM
1

I agree that it'll not be pretty. And if it's not pretty, next time they will want it even less. And soon they'll be able to effectively fight it. The 14yo probably already can. There is no way to force somebody to like you, any attempt to do so will make them like you even less.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 11:12 AM
1

>with your ex’s support of this Do you recommend some sort of mind control magic?
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 09:28 AM
4

There is no good move here. If you force them to see you, they'll want to see you even less; it'll be unpleasant work that they have to suffer throught. If you don't force them, you leave yourself no chance to improve the relationships. I'd try to spend time with them in such a way that it's as little effort for them as possible. Like, go to them rather than have them go to you. Spend time on what they like, not on what you like. And so on. The goal is for them to stop treating you like a burden…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 09:26 AM
8

>I wonder if 15 years ago I could easily find middle aged divorced women wanting to bang via the apps >I would have never gotten married... Did you really get married just to have regular sex? I mean, it's so... trivial, simple.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 08:39 AM
1

The new boyfriend might not be as new than you think. That would explain some things: motivation for divorce, sudden appearance of what looks like serious relationships just weeks after, motivation for kids introduction. How old are the kids? Is she doing anything that's dangerous for them?
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 11:05 AM
6

If she is trying to be more important for you than your kids, or if she is violating the boundaries of personal time you set, it is a red flag. If she just asks for attention because she likes it, that's fine.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 10:09 AM
1

Nope, there's definitely no such desire in that case. She could do it long time ago. At one point I was earning 15 times the average salary, and she was earning 10 times the average salary (it was in a relatively poor country). We could definitely live off of just 15 the average, and quite well at that. I also offered her to stay home with kid longer when she gave birth, but she wanted to go back to work. I'm not saying she wouldn't appreciate more money or some rich guy that would allow her to …
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 08:44 AM
2

That she might; point is, she would not be struggling on her own. She doesn't need to look for a replacement. She might decide to, but there is no financial pressure.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 02:36 PM
8

Congratulations. Since you don't have kids, she's really your past. Don't worry about her being furious or happy or a victim in her own eyes. That all doesn't matter, will not matter soon enough (if you let it).
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 01:28 PM
3

As someone who's just finalized my second divorce, I disagree. And if you are looking forward to a third marriage while starting the second, you should not start it at all. Whatever you have learned, it doesn't need a marriage to be applied.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 01:25 PM
4

>I’m starting to wonder if she’s having doubts. Not necessarily. It's quite normal dynamic that can be caused by seeing the light in the end of the tunnel. You are not her future anymore, so the reasons that made her unhappy with you became irrelevant. Whatever are your deficiencies, they became temporary. Happened to me to - I became kinder to my wife, she became kinder to me. Because we don't care anymore, not because we are repairing. Because we part ways and might as well remain polite about…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 01:21 PM
1

>Sounds stupid. Not at all. Almost universal belief that women necessarily love their children despite a lot of contradicting evidence is stupid. >My entire existence and life are my children That's not good, neither for you nor for them. If your life is them, there's very little you can give them. You should not depend on them; you should be strong on your own and help them as they grow to also become strong.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 12:28 PM
3

Life lessons are overrated. I mean, when you are 18, they might be useful; when you are 40+ with grown up kids - not so much. You will never be in the same situation again. There is no working on your mistake for larger things in life; whatever you do, it's in the past and it is immutable, and your future is vastly different on many important parameters.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 11:47 AM
1

She is as able to pay her bills as I am: she earned 7% more than I did last year, and it's a reasonable good income even in our high cost of living location. This year she'll probably be slightly below, but only slightly. I am quite confident she doesn't need a man just to pay her bills, same as I don't need a woman to pay mine.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 11:29 AM
1

Don't get sentimental. Of course kids prefer parents who love them and love each other. You didn't need to ask, every single one of them would prefer that. But, same as with many other things we want, it might not be a possibility. An adult decides what's best for him, for his kids and for his family. If _you_ think you need to repair and reconcile, go for it. If _you_ think you must divorce, go for it. Don't offload any part of this decision on your kid.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 11:04 AM
1

I'm not sure I fully understand what you are trying to say, but no, for me it doesn't look like she lied. She is withholding some information she has every right to withhold (and not trying too hard at that). As for mortgage, of course she has both time and money to look for something new, same as I do. But we have decided that she buys me out and stays where we live - it's better for the kid, and she likes it, so why not. I am not looking to make her life difficult, I'm looking to make my kid's…
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 08:15 AM
2

>100% she changed it. I had a reason to check yesterday, no, she has not changed it. I didn't have a reason to check her messages, of course.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 08:08 AM
2

When you cry uncontrollably, what are you crying about?
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 09:05 AM
3

That's not petty though, it was an attack on you. Which, if she did her homework, might have made your life difficult for a while.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 02:30 PM
3

So you believe she's divorcing you because you lost, not because you played? I ask it not as a way to attack you or blame you; I indeed don't know the situation. I am projecting why would I personally divorce someone who gambles, but your wife, of course, isn't me.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 10:36 AM
2

He doesn't ask for advice though, he asks for thoughts. Possibly being interested in those of us, angry hateful incels.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 10:02 AM
1

Two questions. Why will you not get a penny from the house? What do you want? Who cares if she wants to be your wife or not, that's relatively unimportant. Do you want her to be your wife again?
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 09:34 AM
9

>she has shown her colours What colours are those, exactly? I mean, I'd also divorce a wife if she gambled away our (and everything earned in the marriage is common property, I hope you realize that) savings. Doesn't sound like she's doing something outrageous.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 09:26 AM
1

A couple of comments, if you'd allow me. A therapy is a good idea even if she chose not to do it as a couple. You could have done it for yourself, you can still do it if you struggle to do what is right and not what feels right in the moment. Being with the kid, her and her partner together is a bad idea. It's one of those situation where no matter what you do, you are humiliated, you lose your face - even if nobody does anything, the mere presence in it is damaging. Be with the kid. Be friendly…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 09:16 AM
3

It's definitely preferable to living in a car, by a huge margin. Where will my kid live, by the way, while I'm in a car, where I will bring him from school to cook him some dinner? It's not toxic; we are not friends and not lovers anymore, but as a roommate and co-parent she's okay. I don't plan on doing it any longer than necessary, but rushing out like the house is on fire seems unwarranted.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 08:17 AM
4

>100% she changed it. I'm almost sure she hasn't, but that doesn't matter. She likely hasn't changed it because I will not use it anyway; she knows it, I know it. >ABSOLULTY get your own appraiser. You need a value on the home and you WILL get low balled on the equity. That deal is already made, no need to worry about it anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 08:12 AM
7

Yep, that's the plan. I work on my life, not on hers. Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 08:09 AM
6

Why is it important? I mean, who cares what other people think, as long as they don't pay you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 03:17 PM
5

Do you expect you'll have to support her?
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 02:50 PM
5

I already had my reasons for divorce and it's already done, and we can only divorce once! :) More reasons would be redundant.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 12:46 PM
2

Makes sense. How soon did she start seeing other guys after the fact?
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 12:21 PM
2

Please note that you answered someone else, not me. I don't think I should ask. It's humiliating to ask such a question. I agree with what you said - it's not my business. I noticed what I noticed, that's fine, but I will not be asking or investigating.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 12:01 PM
2

So far, I have no reasons to say she's been dishonest.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 11:58 AM
4

>Why be friendly with a cheater who took 5-10 years of your life Because I need a constructive collaboration in parenting. But I think it's a long stretch to assume she's been a cheater. Personally, I wouldn't bet my money on it. Time would be difficult to arrange with us both working from home most of the time, and being with the kid the rest of the time. Plus she's generally an honest person. >After the divorce is finished, I would cut the friendly act. What do you mean by friendly act? It's q…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 11:56 AM
4

We have been growing apart the past 3-4 years, getting more and more detached and disconnected. She said "let's part ways" this January (if she wouldn't say it, I would) and 2 months ago we had our "divorce is final" paper. >No more friendly talk Why not? Even if we assume you are right and she left me for another, why shouldn't I remain friendly? It's a winning communcation strategy. And I need a constructive collaboration around our son; we have split the childcare 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 11:44 AM
3

Why would I be angry? It's not cheating or some shady behavior, we have divorced. She is free to pursue whoever she likes, with or without letting me know. No, I don't think I can make any motivation out of that. Also, the deal is already made, everything is settled. What's left is finding a place, getting mortgage approved, some signatures and transfers. But the divorce is done, the deal is struck.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 11:33 AM
5

I don't think it's a real danger, but I'm moving out with all the speed anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 11:24 AM
5

I agree it's not my business, that's why I didn't make any effort to look into it. And that's why I'm not bringing it up. As I wrote, it is actually something I was expecting - and I am kind of amused to find I was correct. I wonder if my other prediction will turn true; I expect her to be pregnant between 18 and 24 months, for instance. Has very little to do with me anymore, but it's always nice to validate our theories.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 11:22 AM
6

I am working on it! Everything that can be done is being done. But there is no point rushing it and paying extra for the urgency; I don't think it's that damaging.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 10:43 AM
8

Why would I invest that much into a project that has already failed? I don't need to make my ex' life difficult, I don't need to make it easy, there is no problem to solve - it's just an observation. It's interesting how women, as another commenter pointed out, tend to have plan B.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 10:41 AM
5

We are not selling the house; she remains in it, takes over all the mortgage and buys me out. And yes, it's a part of our divorce settlement. I agree with you about harm (or at least wasted time) and I don't intend to prolong it any more than necessary.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 10:38 AM
7

Thanks. I am probably less secure than I came across, but my concerns are financial. Her going to have fun on vacation with someone else is fine by me.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 10:33 AM
2

4 years is not that big a deal, comparatively speaking; start whenever you feel like it. You are good enough. You are ready.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 09:13 AM
3

I (will) afford it barely. Right now I still live with my ex while working on getting a mortgage, so the mortgage payments did not kick in yet, but when they will, and I calculated that I'll spend every month; here's a breakdown for anyone who might be curious: - 2000 on mortgage - 650 on daycare - 800 on bills (healthcare, utilities, internet, phone) - 600 on pension - 250 on my education Basically, I need EUR 4,300 after taxes just to pay my bills - and then I need to eat and feed my son half …
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/25 08:03 AM
2

Good luck. Stay strong, don't let your fear or your anxiety to take control and dictate your actions. Use your brain, do what needs to be done, do what's needed for your future. And good job on making a decision and executing it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/25 12:06 PM
2

>WTF is that? It's an ad campaign for the next optimist. That's what female beauty is, you know. An advertisement, a promise of happiness, so that we believe and do our thing to procreate.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/25 11:59 AM
1

My first marriage was caused by a bit of a weird situation in my country that would be difficult to explain to someone not ex-USSR; but basically, my then-girlfriend would have to go work for 2 years in a remote small city if I didn't marry her; whereas I was living in the capital. I chose to keep her and married her. My second marriage's reason was trivial and international: I wanted a child.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 12:06 PM
7

I think it's a conflict between our yerning for justice and our protectiveness of the childer. What you said first is describing the situation fair and square. What you said second is a truth without nuance designed to protect your kid without lying to her. We tell our 5yo the truth, that we both love him and would like to be with him, but we don't want to live together with each other anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 11:31 AM
1

Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 08:33 AM
1

Luckily, we didn't have to fight over custody at all. My wife wanted slightly more than 50% (4 days : 3 days), but agreed to settle on 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 08:31 AM
2

Great post, also good job. Therapy is capped at how good you are at it; on you it certainly wasn't wasted.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 03:19 PM
1

Thanks! I still consider it a massive failure, but comparing it to some nightmares I read here it was nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 11:50 AM
1

To be honest, trust wasn't an issue, we are both pretty decent human beings; just grew apart and the future together looks bleak. Reaching the agreement was relatively easy and constructive. We still have to split the in-house possessions, but I'm sure it'll go without any significant argument.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 08:56 AM
1

Thanks! The only significant loss is that I have to find a new place to live and carry the expense of fixing it. But that's tolerable. And 40k, but that's also tolerable, it's like 2 times the annual bonus I got this year. She earns slightly above me, that's who no significant money flow either way.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 08:54 AM
2

Same here, second divorce. I plan to find happiness in never stepping on this rake again.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 08:51 AM
1

Cheers!
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 08:50 AM
1

Out of curiosity, what's stopping you from create a sub for discussing women's behavior? By the way, what you are doing right now is shutting men down. We do have emotions too, you know (personally, I'm happy with my divorce being finished). Luckily, there's a place to share.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 02:59 PM
1

I had some conversations there (same as here). No difference for me, to be honest. I was never silenced; but then maybe I didn't have anything particularly controversial to voice. Maybe should try some.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 02:56 PM
5

Thanks! Looking forward to living alone.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 12:26 PM
2

Depends on how she did it. Everyone is entitles to their point of view or opinion. Hers might be that you are not doing enough. If she present her opinion and you discuss it, it's not an abuse. If she nags you with her opinion, if she punishes you for disagreeing with her opinion, that might quality as an abuse. But in itself a statement "you are not doing enough" is not an abuse. Depends on how much she was doing. Maybe she was a stay at home mom with 5 kids, that's probably more than an equiva…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 09:45 AM
1

Yeah, I had something similar to blackmail in my first divorce, I'll not bore you with details. It all boils down to whether she actually has the power to damage you. And, not the last thing, what's your ability to retaliate.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 02:59 PM
8

This advice can be upgraded to "do not marry anyone under any circumstances". :)
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 02:56 PM
1

Yes, tax information might be useful, but a fair interlocutor would consider whether it's useful a) now and b) to this particular person. If I lecture you on quantum mechanics after a long work day, it's a good information - it's quantum mechanics, right? but probably not what you need after a long work day. Unless you consider quantum mechanics fun. She was just sharing that because it's important for her. Not because it has anything to do with me.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 01:54 PM
1

I have something similar. Not exactly, but somewhat close. We submitted our divorce agreement 2 weeks ago, but we will have to live together for at least another 4-5 months, until the mortgages are done and I can move out. She tells me about her day. About her better colleague and worse colleague. About her going to a theater. And about money, I listened to a good 45 minutes worth of educational material on how she can pay taxes as an individual entrepreneur as opposed to having a limited liabil…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 12:57 PM
2

Yeah, I considered it briefly and dismissed. Even now, being in the middle of my second divorce, I still dismiss it. It's a bit like a plan of anxious teenagers to live off of their parents income and the suicide. Not a great plan.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 12:49 PM
5

I am in my second divorce. The point is kids. I had none in my first marriage, so had to go into second - we can't have kids without women. But I'm not seeking relationship again.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 11:19 AM
1

Ah, then it makes sense. You don't have to hide it, but it's more comfortable that way; and mental peace is not a small thing.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 09:03 AM
1

Why do you have to sneak? I don't know your situation, but generally speaking telling her would be fair. That is, if you are looking to be fair.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 04:35 PM
3

Ah! Indeed. English is not my first language and I parsed the sentence incorrectly. I read it as she was mocking him because of him saying that. My bad.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 09:26 AM
1

Well, your choice. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 09:25 AM
2

Well, when you are in a weaker position, and it sounds like you are, it makes a lot of sense (and takes some strength and wisdom) to recognize it and act accordingly, meanwhile making your position stronger.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 09:23 AM
4

Is she your boss? I mean, how else can she let you (or not let you) do things?
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 03:42 PM
1

I spent it mostly alone and wouldn't know it's a Valentine's day if my wife wouldn't say "do you know it's a Valentine's day?" some time closer to the evening. I answered "well, we don't seem to qualify anymore", both laughed, that was it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 02:54 PM
-3

I don't have any objections to your strategy, but I kind of don't understand why you expect to be awarded for not doing something bad. Do we receive a prize for not committing crimes? Did you receive credit in school for not trying to set it on fire? You not abandoning your daughter is basic human decency and parental accountability; which, of course, in some humans may be lacking. But it's not something to put a price tag on.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 02:25 PM
1

Why not have a second bed? Why does it always have to be a couch? If it's more convenient to sleep separately, I wouldn't worry about it. If you are close, you have fun, you like each other, that's okay.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 01:01 PM
1

Why? Why local? I mean, it can be a huge limitation, depending on where you live.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 12:07 PM
1

Then you might be right and I am wrong. She seems to be incapable of making an apology; it's not as much of a choice as I thought. If it was fully in her control, she'd apologize when it benefits her, and you'll see it all over the place - people hurt each other all the time and it's generally beneficial to apologize to maintain all sorts of good relationships.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 11:56 AM
1

Yeah, I don't really know how to measure "more culpability" and "less culpability", sounds like a difficult metric to even define. That's why I'm mostly focusing on who doing what and why they do that.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 11:53 AM
1

Still doens't fit my imagination. I mean, kids get sick all the time, schools are viral exchanges. My 40 hours per week with semi-flexible calendar and 1 kid sometimes suffer, and I do just 50% of parenting. Also, four 24 hours shifts are, I think, beyond being humanly possible - at the very least they require you doing 48 hours shift (because 2 weeks have only 14 days, and you have to squeeze 8 shifts into 14 days), which is not humanly possible. Anyway, you don't have to convince me.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 01:02 PM
1

It's your right and your choice, but from my exprience, outer beauty does not correlate strongly with a lot of qualities I look in my partner. She might be beautifus, and still cheat on you, treat you badly, etc, etc. Look for what you actually need. Looks are just an ad placed by nature so that you procreate.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 11:54 AM
2

Is she doing it out of spite? Generally, I'd talk to her first. Also, where I live that wouldn't fly unless father's care was in some way inadequate. The court here would needs a serious reason to break a status quo.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 10:51 AM
2

You of course realize that it depends on the situation and on the local law, right? I'd start by saying "no, thank you" and seeing what arguments she presents.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 10:21 AM
1

If you give her your retirement account, wouldn't your pension be gone? 20 years of work will build some, but it'll be less.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 10:18 AM
4

You seem to put a lot of value in just how someone looks.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 10:16 AM
2

Don't let your social anxiety (or whatever other fears you have) to dictate your actions. Don't look for a gift. Valentine's day is for lovers, are you lovers? You don't "navigate" this stuff. You tell her it's over, you file for a divorce, you sit down and try to discuss like two adults how to split the kids, the stuff, the house. Don't try to sit on two chairs, you can't divorce her while being a good husband.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 10:13 AM
1

>Working 100 hours a week. Plus cleaning. Laundry. Cooking. Being a dad. Aren't you exaggerating a bit? I mean, normal work week is 40 hours, and it leaves time to cook, clean and be a father. If you work 100, 14.2 hours per day with no time off, someone else has to do all that. You'll barely have time to eat, shower and have some sleep.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 10:09 AM
2

Do you see any option of reacting differently? I mean, she says things about your flaws. Her statements are either true, and probably nothing new to you, or false, and then she is just wrong. So basically she is either stating the obvious or she is plain mistaken. Either way, you don't have to argue or even pay too much attention, do you?
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 09:57 AM
1

Wait, what are you talking about? Suicide is not something for a couples therapy, it's individual therapy. You don't need someone local, nowadays they work over the internet, so the world is your oyster.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 09:43 AM
6

I plan to have some family activities post-divorce with my ex - because my son likes us being together. I don't think it'll be uncomfortable, I don't want a family with her back, I am totally okay with the idea that she finds someone who'd suit her better, and so on. Let her go, stop trying to be close to someone who rejected you, and nothing pathetic will remain.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 09:38 AM
1

"Tear me apart" and "tear out my soul" is not an actual physical thing that happened to you. She probably said some words, maybe made some gestures, and that's it. You heard some of these words, interpreted them, they invoked an emotional reaction in you that you describe as tearing. She might have been less emotionally involved in what she was saying then you were. These things are asymmetrical. It's much easier to damage someone and forget in 60 minutes than to be damaged and forget. Anyway, t…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 04:10 PM
1

Does your wife apologize to someone other than you? If she wronged them, I mean. Or is she "I'm always right and can do nothing wrong" type?
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 04:05 PM
2

Dating is easy once you have no obligation to make it work. The necessity to pay disappears. The necessity to seek and pursue disappears. The risk of rejection is nothing big. On a cons side, same as every other simplification of life it sounds slightly boring.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 02:51 PM
1

Why not go to a therapist? They are covered by confidentiality.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 02:48 PM
1

What would constitute such an acknowledgement for you? I mean, whatever the conversation was, as long as there are people, there's a need to make dinner. It makes sense to keep a constructive conversation about mundane things even if there is a conflict about something else.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 01:52 PM
3

Isn't suicide prevention hotline anonymous and confidential? I know it is where I live. If someone obtained and tried to use a recording, they'd be in a lot of trouble.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 10:37 AM
2

I'll be in a similar situation soon (hopefully); I am 6 years older and will have my son over half of every week. My wife was my the only adult friend I had. The family is far away. My therapist says I'll need to put some effort in building a working social circle; regardless of how I might feel about it. Everyone needs people to interact with; if you don't, you'd be a subscriber of r/depression sooner than you might think. I don't know how to do that. Maybe I'll join an offline language class, …
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 10:33 AM
1

Men also have it easy if the check off a lot of boxes.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 10:13 AM
4

I have not had any encounters with dating, through apps or otherwise, recently, but I feel the same way about women in general. Too much work, too little reward, significant risks. I think when I'm out of the marriage, I'll just let this side of my life rest easy and not force it. I'm fine on my own.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 10:13 AM
5

Whether you tell them the truth now or not, they will figure it out soon enough. The only difference is trust.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 10:08 AM
6

Also, you question contains an incorrect presumptions that they can't. They can. Everybody can. If they don't, that's because they don't want to; can afford not to.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 10:06 AM
3

Apologizing without actually apologizing is a ridiculous concept. Apology is a very specific act, it's an acknowledgement of a wrongdoing, a promise not to repeat it and an offer of compensation if applicable. None of these components are present in just being nice and sending you to buy groceries. I'm making pancakes; would it be okay if I just skip flour, eggs and butter? Also, why do you consider it to be a gaslighting?
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 10:05 AM
4

Definitely not the asshole, but you might come across as clingy.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 02:00 PM
6

Why do you miss someone who'd make fun of you, question your manhood and compare you to other guys? I mean, I can appreciate your missing intimacy, missing sex, missing being close to someone nice. But this lady doesn't sound too safe to be close with.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 11:50 AM
13

What will judge think about these pranks if they are documented and presented by a lawyer?
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 09:25 AM
4

If you give her the right to interpret the reality, same as you have given yourself, it'll become easier to accept that her interpretation differs from the correct one (yours). I mean, for you marriage was this. For her - something else. People are unreliable witnesses, we redact and change our memories all the time.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 03:51 PM
1

With zero information about their marriage, I'd say it's a possibility that they have been detached for many years now and only the formalities and the settlement are pending. But why are you asking? Even if your friend is risking it with this guy, it's her risk to take. She sounds mature enough to make her own decision.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 02:45 PM
1

You seem to underestimate her agency. Yes, she may be unhappy with you. But if it's the case, she is free to file for divorce. As long as she does not, her the importance of her unhappiness to you shouldn't outweight the importance of her unhappinness to her. If she doesn't file, she prefers staying with you. At least be honest. You can't sustain your current tempo and part of the burden is she. You are unhappy with her. You are unhappy you have to do a lot. Then you'll see things for what they …
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 01:37 PM
4

We all do things we regret. Regret is good for you if the dose is right. It prevents you from making the same mistake in the future. If you want to reduce the regret, consider what are the real consequences. There are usually none, nothing tangible. Some shame, but people don't need to go to the hospital from it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 10:50 AM
-6

There is shame in it. You can forgive yourself all you want, but there is shame in it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 10:47 AM
15

She might regret it, she might be happy about it, her life may go better or worse. The main benefit of the divorce is that I don't have to care. She's my past, not my future; and the past is immutable.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 10:42 AM
11

I didn't have the same situation leading to the divorce, but I feel bad at times how cheap it ended up to be. I paid my ex a lump some of $20,000 to settle, of which, if I look at the situation fair and square, 15,000 were what I actually owed her, and 5 was a bit of extra, something of a ransom she extorted. It was a big money at the time and at the place. I took a loan to pay her, which halved in price due to local currency inflation. So I basically took 5k from the bank and ended up repaying …
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 02:11 PM
2

You do seem to miss the evaluation of the risk that you clearly stated: she might not come back with the kids. What's your plan then?
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 11:25 AM
2

You consideration about weekends sound reasonable, I'll bring it up. Thanks! We both kind of agreed on split weekend because it is our current default. We have not been close for quite some time now, even though we live together and eat together, and we split the time with the kid. As it is right now, mine is the Sunday, hers is the Saturday. So without anyone pushing in any direction, we kind of kept it as it is without giving it too much thought. But I see your reasons. Indeed, if I have a who…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 10:50 AM
1

Well, I was using a spy metaphor, so I meant feed that metaphorical spy.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 10:40 AM
1

>I make my own Kombucha Like with this actuall... I was not even sure what it and had to google it, bacterial and fungal mat in a can? >Memory foam. What do you mean? I know the material, but what do you use it for?
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 10:38 AM
2

Stopped drinking. Stopped coffee. Started swimming again. Studying the language of the country where I live. Bought a Nintendo Switch for fun, to replace drinking. Continuing therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 10:35 AM
1

My son is 5, the plan to split each weak 50:50 in such a way that each of use gets the same amount of workweek time and the same amount of weekend time. I'll take care of him from Sunday morning till Wednesday morning and my wife Wednesday morning evening till Saturday evening. So each of use gets one weekend day and 2.5 workdays. On Wednesday we just But she's asking if she can take an extra workday, so that I'd bring the kid to her place on Tuesday evening and she has the whole Wednesday. In a…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 10:18 AM
4

Interestingly enough, I have the opposite impression right now. Every colleague whom I choose to inform that I'm undergoing a divorce reacts as if I told them I had leukemia. As for them giving me a gift or inviting me for lunch, thank gods they are not attempting to do that.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 10:01 AM
13

>And she might as well do it by herself if that was the case. So basically she tells you that you as a person have zero (or negative) value for her. She can stick around as long as you pay, but that's it. Why exactly do you want to reconcile with somebody who considers being with you a challenge, for overcoming which they have to be compensated?
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 04:54 PM
10

Do you mean the legal aspect of it or emotional? Emotionally people who earn more usually feel punished for being better at earing money; they rarely see it as fair regardless of gender.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 03:01 PM
2

You experience is probably different than mine by quite a bit! There is a huge range of fighting and fighting back. From loud words to knives and guns. My advice to fight back or at least to protect yourself was purely for non-criminal territory. My ex was making a point, not trying to damage my body.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 12:08 PM
7

I am all for feeding the false information and would like to support the advice! But don't just use it for an ego boost. Be tactical about it. Gain some benefit in a fight. Maybe talk about how emotionally damaged you are by losing such a wonderful woman, it'll disarm her. Maybe fake talk with a lawyer confidently about how this case is a sure thing, it'll scare her. Choose an emotion you'd like to provoke and play the part.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 11:24 AM
7

Do you leave in a place where it's legal? Where I live it would be illegal to record me without my explicit consent. Even a meeting recording requires consent of every participant. You'd do with it the same as you'd do with any illegal activity. But if it's legal and the fight is serious, you've uncovered enemy spy. Feed him the information that benefits you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 11:20 AM
1

Why? I am confident I can make 50/50 work because it's already this way, we are taking care of our kid 50% of the time each. The only difference will be some added distance between my room and her room, and our son will have two bedrooms. But she expects she will want more time with him when she doesn't see him at all for a few days every week, and I can appreciate that. I, on the other hand, might be okay with seeing him slightly less. Because every week has an odd amount of days, she proposes …
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 11:14 AM
5

Everyone who suffers on a daily basis will have suicidal thoughts. It's normal, it's expected, it's as we humans are designed. You are hurt, you want it to end, one of the ways to end the pain is death. That said, try self-defense measures first. My ex-wife slapped me in the face once during my (first) divorce and I did nothing to protect myself, just took it (but still didn't bend to her will). I then went to a therapist and worked on it; now I'm sure the next time someone tries to slap me, I'l…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 10:09 AM
1

I am a similar conflict-avoiding type of person (in real life, in internet I am all for a good fight). You don't have to cater to your childhood problems, work on them with a therapist, in a group if you must. Some conflicts just can't be avoided. That said, people whom you hurt will try to hurt you back, so don't just go scorched earth. Stay polite, stay fair, but be firm and consistent in doing what needs to be done.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 09:38 AM
2

Why would you introduce everyone to your kids? I only plan to introduce when I'm reasonably sure she's going to stick around.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 12:42 PM
2

You ask a question and immediately give one of the answers - "using custody as a weapon for personal revenge". "Shouldn’t both parties face equal consequences instead of one being left with everything and the other with nothing?" - that's already the case. Divorce law in most civilized countries is gender-blind. If your wife did not work for 10 years, that's the problem of your arrangement (and possibly the country that makes it a necessity), not the problem of the law.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 10:17 AM
2

Yeah, you seem to have nothing to argue about.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 09:23 AM
1

You propose something that involves an action of another. Like, for example, if I wanted to play a game of chess with you, I need to propose a game of chess; and the game will only happen if you agree. But if I plan to listen to a podcast alone, I don't need to propose it, I just go and listen, whatever your opinion about my activity might be. Similar with moving out. You don't need to propose it because there's no action, no participation required from your wife. You inform her and do what you …
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 09:23 AM
2

I am just starting, but I expect to have 50/50, but it's possible I'll let my ex-wife have our son for a little bit more, like 60/40.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 09:17 AM
1

In most locations, you'd be fine without a lawyer, you have nothing to argue about. Whom will the dog stay with? Also, is your income different? If so, the one with lower income may be interested in getting spousal support, again, if it's a thing where you live.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 04:27 PM
4

Ideally don't even talk to her, let kids do the talking. When my wife went to Curacao for a week, my then 4yo immediately told her next time he's coming with. Without any push from my side. If they already have and she does it anyway without them, nothing you can do I think.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 01:11 PM
1

When you are attacked, the choice is simple: fight, freeze or flee. That's why. And you can't choose to be not attacked, it's the choice of the attacker.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 12:25 PM
2

Can't you be physically away from her without legal separation? I mean, it's as "simple" as renting another place and starting to go there rather that your home. You can do it now, and the file. Apologies if I misinterpret the realities of your country.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 12:17 PM
1

You realize that situations range from "we've been married for 2 weeks and our communal property is this pizza leftover" to "we have 4 kids, 2 dogs, a house in her name and a business", right? I can give you an advice though: wrap it up and never marry again.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 12:13 PM
0

Are you on speaking terms with your ex? I'd discuss with her, assuming she shares you interest in kids' wellbeing.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 12:10 PM
6

Congratulations! Things I learned in my first divorce is this: it's very easy to maintain an outlook of a decent person, especially if there is no conflict. Even stupid and evil person can look innocent while they sleep.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 12:06 PM
2

If the information was not disclosed, then it's a new information, married for many years or not.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 04:26 PM
3

With my 5yo, I just told him that mom and dad will find another place and live separately, him living half of the time with me, half of the time with mother. He asked whether it means he is getting another room of his own, to which I answered affirmatively. He seemed to take it quite happily, even started planning a bit which toys he'll keep here and which he'll get there. Connection will be not that difficult I expect, I'll have him for half of the time. I've no advice for older kids, but I ima…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 12:29 PM
7

After the first divorce I thought I did some things wrong. Worked on myself, corrected mistakes, changed a lot. Now my second marriage is ending in divorce too, thank god it's quiet and amicable so far (so apparently some corrections worked). But still, same as you OP. I am attracted to women, I'd even say I like women in general, but the next time one of them offers to move in I'll say no.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 11:39 AM
9

Playing devil's advocate, she can be a person for whom infidelity is such a big thing, that even the fact that you did it to someone else is a show stopper. I'd try to give her time for the situation to cool down in case she's emotional. But people divorce left and right without any reasons, so have one slightly weird reason is still a better justification than having none.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 09:44 AM
1

This part of you that wants to prove something to her, you shouldn't give it any energy. You are already divorcing, she is the past. Focus on your future.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 10:29 AM
2

She should not, but she will, right?
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 10:08 AM
7

There is no psychologically easy way out huge sunk cost. But mathematically it is what it is - a sunk cost. You spent a lot, you wife will get a half of it. Sad, yes, but the best course of action is to stop increasing a whole from which she will get a half.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 10:07 AM
1

How is it possible that there are no in person opportunities? Do you not go outside? Cannot you sign up for language classes or a book club? I don't think the dynamic is the same in person. Dating apps create an illusion of adundance and all the related cognitive artifacts.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/25 04:19 PM
1

Fair enough. Five years of trying and failing is a good predictor of the next five years times the same strategy also having the same result. I've heard dating apps are all crap (will have to see for myself soon enough), have you considered... other, more time-tested strategies?
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/25 12:47 PM
1

What kind of data you have to support your prediction of eternal solitude? How long have you been trying?
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/25 09:58 AM
5

Fear and panic might make you scroll endlessly and need responses, yes. And they will do you a disservice, neediness is unattractive. If you were your own employee (which you always are) and as a boss you had to evaluate said employee's ability to find and build a relationships, how would you evaluate him based on data? I mean, when they guy wanted, he found a girlfriend and a wife quite fast. We should expect him to be able to do the same, nothing to panic about. You, friend, are reliably attra…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/25 09:56 AM
1

If it's her decision, you don't need to carry her part of the load. It's not "we decided to divorce", it's "she is divorcing me". Decisions can be wrong, one deciding can have doubts, they cause anxiety and regret and one may spend years validating them. Circumstances, on the other hand, such as someone else executing their free will, are outside of our control. It's not something that you've done, it is something that happens to you. You are describing your situation as symmetrical, if you stop…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/25 09:29 AM
7

If you are both crying, what's the reasong you are doing the thing that makes you cry? I am not saying "get back together", but I am curious as to how you have arrived to this decision. And by you I mean you personally. How did you decide to divorce your wife, what was your reasoning? If it's good, you can find strength in it. (assuming you are not lying and you were actually a deciding party)
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 01:17 PM
2

We agree on one thing: it does sound ridiculous. To each his own though.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 12:56 PM
3

What if you find someone you really like? You don't have a place to invite them to. I'd wait. What if your ex is suddenly jealous? Co-habitants have a lot of options to make each other's life unpleasant. It's generally good idea to collect yourself after a break up before jumping into building a new relationship. Also, isn't it a bit disrespectful towards the (hypothetical) new woman? To invite her into your life while the ex is still around.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 10:08 AM
2

What exactly is that basic problem that a rubber... vagina, I assume, solves? If you talk about masturbation, all the implements are quite optional.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 10:06 AM
1

She probably could benefit from some anxiety-reducing therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 02:23 PM
8

That's probably correct, but subservience does not make people happy.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 01:45 PM
8

What I don't understand is why men allow it. I mean, if my first ex-wife left me a list of chores during our marriage, I'd laugh at her. If my second soon-to-be-ex tried the same, I'd ridicule her for giving orders she can't reinforce. Nobody can make you do chore. Laugh at the list, do what you think needs doing.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 01:01 PM
7

You will never find another woman like her. You will never get her back. The sooner you make peace with these facts, the sooner you will become eligible for finding another woman, who will not be like her, but with whom you could still find a different, completely unique happiness, which is not a replacement for what you had with your first wife. That is, if you are not disappointed in this game completely and still believe in "happily ever after".
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 10:33 AM
8

While agreeing that AP is not obligated to help us, I'll say this: his action still has ethical implications. If you forget your wallet in a public place, and I take it, I am still taking an unethical action, even if I never promised you to care about your possessions. It's a little more complicated when the wallet has a free will and can lie, but still. If he knew what he was doing, he made a choice, and it's a choice of being an asshole.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 09:58 AM
1

I agree, apologies. You are right. I guess my point is as follows: the magnitude of the change in the dynamic is proportional to the unexpectedness of the announcement. If it was expected and even anticipated, dynamic has already changed. You point is still valid though. It's hard to live with someone you plan to leave (or someone who plans to leave you).
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 09:43 AM
2

>There is a deep chasm between the two. Yeah, it's called "wishful thinking". What's the reason to suspect chasm? What's even the point to consider whether they are actually fine or just acting?
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 04:38 PM
1

If you drop it and it's a bomb, it means you have failed to communicate your dissatisfaction clearly. Otherwise it's not a bomb, it's an expected outcome of many tries resulting in failure.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 01:21 PM
2

Talk less and only when necessary, have a sleeping place in a separate room, cook for yourself, clean on schedule. If you watch TV, set up your own. If you play videogames, set up your own system. Easy.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 01:20 PM
2

It's not a script, it's a JSON. Nothing to execute, just a piece of data, key-value pairs. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JSON Also, why is this question on r/Divorce_Men ?
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 01:17 PM
7

Why did you write all these optional words after "never get married"?
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 12:49 PM
3

That might be hard to believe at the moment, but she is actually helping you. These 15 years are over. They are not continuing. The sooner you see the evidence of that and the sooner you accept it, the better and faster you'll move on. Yes, it's painful. Yes, she is probably doing that to make it painful. But it's a "ripping bandaid off" kind of pain. She will fuck other men, women or goats for all you care. She'll have another "significant other" in her life. She'll wear sexy lingerie, a buttpl…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 10:44 AM
5

>They act fine because they have a personality disorder. Can't they act fine because they are fine? A simpler explanation.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 09:04 AM
1

I am not from the Netherlands originally, can't say. But your statistics is probably quite narrow as well. But that's besides the point. Being pregnant is work, giving birth is work, risk of complications up to dying, pain. Taking care of a child is work, even if it's a fulfilling work. Similar is true about cooking, cleaning and whatever else she (or you) was doing.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 04:23 PM
2

>The rational women you will meet will never say "I sacrificed giving birth". Again, I disagree. It may be worth it a hundred times over, but there is still a price and she is paying it. Damaged health, worse hair, worse teeth, stretched skin, sagging breast. Some have it easier, of course, some worse. And you devalue her contribution. Giving birth is nothing but happiness, taking care is nothing but joy, you are the only one who ever worked. A sentiment is clear, but it's... childishly selfish.…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 02:24 PM
1

>That's not a job. That's not. A sacrifice. Here we disagree. As someone who takes care of 5yo, I believe it's a job. Not without its rewards, but a job nevertheless. Same as giving birth. My wife sacrificed quite a bit of health in the process, I haven't.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 02:01 PM
1

First of all, thank you for the answer! >In USA you would split everything down the middle except the apartment. Same here, ot the best of my understanding after some reading. All the property, money, shares, pension are to be split 50/50. >You will be screwed as the man. How? I mean, I understand we'll split property in half, but it doesn't sound too bad. Most of the money we spent on the apartment was 50/50 anyway, so that would be fair. Spousal support can't happen because we earn about the s…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 10:27 AM
1

Document what, exactly? A mother left a kid with a father for less than 10 minutes. Him being on a call and unaware is kind of hard to prove, no?
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 03:00 PM
1

Theoretically a 4yo can wrap a curtain around their neck or get some small toy into their airduct or find some other danger around the house; some of the dangers are quiet. So generally it's unadvisable to leave small kids unattended. That said, even when I'm home with my kid alone, I may step to another room to work on laundry, or cook in the kitchen, so... I don't think actual danger was that high, with you at home. In a similar situation though I always get (and give) a warning.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 02:57 PM
1

I don't know, really. Any advice. How can I get screwed. What's easy to overlook. What are the caveats of handling a mortgage. What should I expect with a kid. How do we pay taxes the year we divorce. I had a divorce in the past, like 15 years ago, but it happened with a very different person in a very different country. We are both non-natives here, immigrants, I barely know the language, she knows it relatively well but still not to a level of understanding legal speech.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 01:53 PM
1

What would be the point to confront her about it? You have some information. Use it for your benefit if you can. Don't use it to shame her or blame her, don't use it to prove a point - there are no more points to prove if you are aready divorcing. It's just a waste of time and energy.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 01:00 PM
1

Do you see any similarities to what OP describes? Sounds like a completely different situation, with different actions and different outcomes.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 12:25 PM
6

How is her having a good job and good income coexists with your statement that you provide for the family? I mean, if her income is actually good, she provides for the family same as you. If you are equals in earning, you should take equal share of caring for the kids, cooking, doing dishes and all the other chores; it's not being good, it's being fair. You seem to have 2 main points of disagreement: contribution and how to raise kids. >I'm scared of being alone. Well, if your kids will stay wit…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 12:23 PM
5

When you ask youself whether certain path is good and certain goal is achievable, consider the alternatives. If you are not divorcing, you are staying in a toxic marriage. Does it scare you less than whatever unknowns lie beyond?
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 01:34 PM
1

My perspective is as follows: you let your penis do the thinking. Sexual gratification is a shaky foundation even for younger people.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 11:45 AM
4

>she was nasty, rude, and disrespectful the entire time, which was surprising because prior to this >we’ve been quite amicable with each other. Most likely she has a period, dude. >Her “apology”? The fuck you need it for?
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 11:35 AM
2

It somewhat helps psychologically if you realize that the loss has already happened, now you are just recognizing it. Not "a failing marriage will cost you", but "a failed marriage is a sunk cost".
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/24 08:42 AM
2

Oh, I had this. No coffee, some alcohol, some valerian root extract, work, videogames and light comedies helped the best.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 02:58 PM
1

That may be okay, may be not. Subject to the agreement between you two. 50:50 is fair. Proportional to the income is fair. Fixed contribution is fair. If she promised to support you while you care of the kids and then stopped, that's not fair - because you agreed to one thing and she went back on her promise.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 02:56 PM
0

Just like that - "I want a divorce, I filed, you will receive a notification shortly. Let's talk about how we split stuff". I mean, what else is there to say? If you are still _thinking_ about divorcing her, keep the thinking internl. When you are done thinking, done deciding and started executing, that's when you tell her. Why the hell do you need a conversation about it? Isn't the point of filing, one of them anyway, to stop this conversation?
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 02:53 PM
2

Can you afford to spent a negligible fraction of these 25 million to get a proper legal advice? I mean, there are specialists who help to optimize it. But generally, you are going to lose about half of what you have anywhere in the world; pretty much any court would disagree with your statement that she has nothing to do with it. She's been supporting you, whatever that means. Full time job.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 10:22 AM
8

During my first divorce, I have also discovered my wife was cheating for some time. The thing I said to myself was this - you can only divorce her once. You have more reasons now to divorce her than you had previously, fine. But what you had previously was enough, more than enough. So, keep it up, stay strong, don't drink, kick her out of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 01:24 PM
2

I am not sure how you jumped from women acknowledging someone is a father of their kids and them wanting said father. I mean, if you will allow me to switch genders for the sake of the argument, my soon to be ex is a mother to my kid, I acknowledge it, I treat her with respect and fairness, but I don't want her and I don't even like her. These are different things.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 01:17 PM
2

How do you get over something that you do want but cannot get? Whether you are 6 and it's a toy that your dad refuses to buy, or you are twenty and it's a fellow student you want to get in bed with but she is not interested, or it's a job that you want but wasn't accepted for, the mechanism is the same. Yes, you want it. No, you will not get it. Oh, you can also de-value the object of your desires, if you prefer unhealthy handling of such situations. Tell yourself she is a bitch, invent some dis…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 11:41 AM
3

>I have NEVER heard a woman say “he’s the father of my kids” let me not try to take everything from >him, let me not falsely accuse him of abuse etc… You seem to have some filters installed in your head. There are plenty of examples of amicable divorces on this reddit.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 11:39 AM
1

What options do you have? I mean, you actually missed the appointment. If she presents this fact, you have a choice to either present additional facts that give context to your mistake, same as you did in your post, or stay silent. Of course she uses your mistakes. You are fighting. Expect no mercy.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 03:32 PM
1

Why on Earth do you seek more drama? Give her papers whenever you have them. Do not support her theate, do not try to outperform her, any day in December or January will do just fine. Instead of doing what's needed, you are acting - but she sets the stage.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 10:45 AM
5

First marriage - about a year prior to the divorce. Second marriage - never even had a ring.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 10:14 AM
11

The fact that she proposes something doesn't mean she will get it. Stop considering what she deserves, that's largely irrelevant and distracts you. She will take anything she can, and you task is not to let her.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 12:42 PM
1

How's the next day?
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 03:40 PM
3

I have. Family's in another country, no friends. I signed up for therapy to have someone to talk to, I'm reading this forum to feel like I'm not alone in this shit, and then the brain does its thing when some action stops bringing reward it stops allocating energy (motivation) towards this action. Over the course of 3 years of my wife not being there for me, she became more and more of a stranger, her support has almost the same value as polite indiffirence of someone I know well and have shared…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 03:39 PM
5

You have no reason to be annoyed by your wife's friends. If they are not your friends, they owe you nothing. If you consider them to be your friends, maybe reconsider. You have every reason to be annoyed by your wife, who makes important plans with complete disregard towards you. Don't be "also annoyed". She handles this as if you don't exist. Whether you divorce her or not, she is already acting as if you already had.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 03:28 PM
7

You play a game of life, and the score is measured against a few objective criteria. You have sex, family, friends, economy, creativity, trance/prayer, studying, job, helping others, love, health and image. That's about it, the contents of life. Divorce usually implies certain degree of failure in the areas of family, love and sex; often it touches your economy too (sometimes to the extent of ruining it). Generally, the recommendation is to strengthen anything and everything else. Drop alcohol a…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 10:45 AM
1

Divorce was bad, marriage wasn't. I decided I correct the mistakes and the second time it might work (it didn't, but differently). Plus I wanted to be a father, to have a kid.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 09:47 AM
17

If you carried your load and then some more, divorce makes life easier. Happened to me after my first divorce too. Apparently I've been doing so much, I barely noticed any difference in the amount of chores, but the amount of crap halved.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/24 03:33 PM
1

Ideally both parents should be fully capable in absolutely every aspect of parenting. To be honest, that's true even without divorce. You can't be there to solve problems for her, she can't be there to solve problems for you. You both should be able to handle your son in every aspect in every situation (of course, people get sick, there are tsunamis and wars, that's a separate topic).
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/24 12:33 PM
4

As long as you don't intend to actually find a job, you can write whatever you want in your CV.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 01:14 PM
1

Everyone is entitled to like or dislike countries. I still urge you to consider your kids, not just youself. "wherever my kids are raised they will be fine" is just dismissing any consideration for them whatsoever. You selfishly want to live where you want to live, and kids end up being a collateral of whatever you decide. I find it sad.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 03:42 PM
1

Whether parents are divorced is mostly irrelevant. If you wife wouldn't close the family project, you'd still do not agree on where to live and you'd still be in the same situation. Which seems to be pretty simple to describe (and impossible to resolve): either you suck it up and live where she wants, or she sucks it up and lives where you want, or one of you abandons the other and the kids. Who moved countries because of whom is also quite irrelevant, it creates no lasting debt.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 03:31 PM
1

Well, that's just mental gymnastics to replace what's best for the kids with what's best for you.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 01:50 PM
1

Have you considered this situation not only from the perspective of your own comfort, but also from a point of what's better for the kids?
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 12:22 PM
2

But why do you attribute your disagreement to the divorce? Sounds like you would have had the same disagreement staying married. Being married doesn't mean your life plans are automatically compatible, you still may want to go back to India or wherever and she might still want to stay in the US. Ideally, of course, the alignment should happen before you have kids; but that's water under the bridge. The older kids get, the more sya they will have in it; but I doubt they will be to eager to go to …
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 12:20 PM
1

Don't forget to tell them that mommy and daddy love them anyway, and that they are not the reason.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 09:50 AM
10

She can claim you conspired with aliens to abduct her and probe her, doesn't mean she can prove it. Also, what's the point of proving it?
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 11:05 AM
1

The internal importance of this topic is irrelevant, whenever you say something, you say it to someone - and have to measure the importance of the topic for them, not for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 11:03 AM
3

Generally yes, cheating alone would constitute a sufficient reason, but there's a price to pay. Whether the price is tolerable is up to you to decide. Consider this: you file for divorce, where you are and who you are in 10 years? You don't file, where you are and who you are in 10 years?
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 04:33 PM
1

For most who ask, this subject is really unimportant. Don't waste energy, answer whatever.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 01:42 PM
0

Is predator eating its prey evil? No. Just hungry and armed by the evolution.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 01:32 PM
5

The answer is predicated on you having kids. If you have kids and you refuse friendly collaborative conversation with their mother, you are in the wrong (as you sacrifice them, make them a collateral of your issues). If you don't, why would you be an asshole? After the divorce, you owe her nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 09:36 AM
1

What does it even mean, "recover"? To actually recover you'd need your life to be infinite, then you can recover. If, let's say, divorce made you eat beans and rice for 10 years being poor, there is no recovery of those 10 years, even if you managed to reach the same level of spending eventually. And if you didn't have a divorce, you'd have what you lost in the divorce plus what you won in these 10 years. Divorce is an irrecoverable loss. Still it might be worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 02:56 PM
1

If you have no kids, "I am not interested to continue" is enough of a reason; but if you made promises to love her forever or some other stupidity, think of a compensation, because technically you'd be violating those. She isn't disabled and isn't your daughter, she is a capable adult - she can survive without you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 03:57 PM
3

>Well why one would live with a partner like that forever? I’m going through the exact same thing and I would’ve ended this marriage if I had the financial means… You ask the question and immediately give one of the possible answers. The fact that we deserve something doesn't mean we can afford it.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 09:33 AM
2

She offers you to choose between money and time with your son. If you value being a father, I'd go with the second option. If you don't, definitely first.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/24 10:30 AM
15

You are right, women are overrated. I don't mean as some sort of misogynistic "women bad" statement, I mean their criticality is man's life is not absolute. You can be a success and a happy person without one.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/24 09:27 AM
3

As long as you are alive, someone has it better, someone has it worse :)
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 03:20 PM
4

Dude. You escaped a terrible mess; you rather, a terrible mess ran away from you and told you it forgives you. Be grateful. You have kids. You have integrity. There are better people in the world than what you had.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 10:22 AM
5

Depends on your values. If you value your time with kids, then you did not do so well - just weekends and not 50%. If you value your kid-free time, then you did relatively well; you are present in their lives but don't have to get them to school and stay home with them when they are sick, which is good for career and dating.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 09:17 AM
4

Definitely don't decide to have a kid just because your ex does. It should be irrelevant. Think it deeply, talk about it, get it out of your system one way or another. Kid is too serious of a decision to allow your ex to affect it. Other than that, nobody can advise you on priorities of your life. Life has no inherent meaning. Some people find meaning in procreation, others don't.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 10:24 AM
2

Any stimulants in your diet? Coffee, tea. Benadryl from what I read is anti-histamine, it's not supposed to help you sleep. You'll have less of an allergy though.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 10:20 AM
4

If there is no romantic love form her end, then everything else she tells you is bullshit. It's not you it's me, that's what she says - and it's sugar coating. You are not good enough for her. Depression, move and not being fair to you is bullshit. Please find some self-respect. Why do you allow yourself to get attached, to cling to somebody who is not attached to you?
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 09:52 AM
1

>You need to be like Paulie in “Goodfellas” - fuck you, pay me. I am sure even Paulie somehow calculated the amount due :) >She is not your fucking problem. Get over it. I understand that. I am not trying to solve her problems, I am trying to solve mine. Right now I own half of the apartment and half of cheap debt. I am being offered to be bought out of the apartment and take a more expensive debt. I care about my problems, not hers: if I'm going to take on some problems that I don't have to tak…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 09:49 AM
2

Thanks! Some very interesting points for me. I understand your advice is not to try and assess s the value of having lower interest rate (assuming she can keep it). Just get the market price for the equity that's mine, get off of mortgage and do whatever I want with the money, rent or buy or bet at the nearest casino :) A valid consideration, I'm sure, that staying on the mortgage will affect my ability to get another loan. And yes, I am definitely getting the apartment appraised; that said, I d…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 09:43 AM
1

Thanks a lot! Wasn't sure how to calculate discount over time, but indeed, I can just use market mortgage rate. Smart! It's not actually that important for me to get divorced quickly - we have the same income, I'm not losing anything by staying married.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 08:51 AM
1

>She doesn't owe you anything if you have to take out a new loan at a higher rate. You're fucked. Yes, I understand she doesn't owe me anything, and I also do not owe her anything. In particular, I do not have an obligation to agree to move out - I can instead insist we sell the current property and we both get higher price loan. My agreement to take the hit, start paying more and relieve her from the higher-price loan, has a value. I am asking how to calculate this value. As for "it is not poss…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 08:46 AM
1

How did you calculate this 15k? Why 15 and not 10 or 25?
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 04:01 PM
2

Thanks for the tip about not keeping the name, I didn't realize I would be carrying the risk of her default. I'm not sure it's assumable, if it's not the whole question might be moot - as soon as we divorce, everyone gets a new loan at a new price. And for taxes, I know property sale is not taxed at all where we live (there's 2% transfer tax to be paid by the buyer). Thanks. Probably should consult a professional, too many underlying questions to which I don't seem to have the answer.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 02:53 PM
2

>Cheaper to keep her huh? Not necessarily. You have one life, not spending it with the wrong person might be worth some dollars. If you can't buy that, what's the point of having 3.1M?
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 02:28 PM
0

Interest rate is not an object to split, but the debt is. One of the properties of the debt is it's price. Debt in whole or in parts can be bought, sold, transferred, etc, etc. No, I disagree that it's impossible to take the interest rate into account. I am just not sure how to approach it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 02:11 PM
0

As I wrote, >Please assume that both of us are genuinely looking to split it evenly and accurately.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 02:04 PM
3

Hotel for the time being, then cheaper location.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 01:53 PM
2

Living in Amsterdam is quite a bit different than visiting it as a tourist. If you are being divorced, it generally doesn't matter what your spouse is going to do next. She is not your problem anymore. I guess moving to the Netherlands is out of the question for you?
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 01:51 PM
0

Everything can be split. If it is needed, we can sign a separate agreement on how to deal with it. Or convert it into a lump sum (but that wouldn't be fair to just calculate the difference in total mortgage cost, as money tomorrow are discounted as compared to money today).
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 01:43 PM
1

If you don't have kids or your kids have grown up, "I don't like her/him anymore" is enough of a reason. Consider the price though. Do you dislike them enough to pay it?
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 01:39 PM
2

Where we live, everything is split evenly. All the property and all the debts acquired in the marriage, mortgage included.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 01:35 PM
1

I'm in a kind of similar situation, and we are discussing as a possible arrangement to have an account for the kid, and contribute to it proportional to our incomes. Currently we earn about the same, so at the moment it will be 50:50; but if I was 17% ahead, I'd pay 17% more. If you consider spousal support, then make the calculation after it. But I don't think 100:85 merits a spousal support.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 12:56 PM
5

Looks like she doesn't want to reconcile, but also doesn't want it to be easy for you. Basically, the story in her book is as follows: you failed her, you lost her and she is a treasure. When you are not suffering enough and not making enough attempts, you are undermining the last part.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 12:51 PM
2

When there is a change approaching, you think, you prepare and you plan. And don't forget to breathe :)
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 12:47 PM
3

As the child grows, you'll spend less time together anyway. Had the same, except my wife is healthy and high earner. Resolved to stay together until our son is older - now he's 5, his reliance on either parent is less, actual split starts to look possible. While staying, keep a low profile, don't discuss things other than necessities.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 02:33 PM
2

Whether you have a moral obligation to help her depends on how you divorced. Did she betray you? Did she cheat? Did she leave because she can do better without you? Many scenarios would wipe out any moral debt you might have had. Some would not. But it's not her requesting help, it's your son. You are considering helping him, not helping her.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 10:16 AM
2

Yeah. Empty space is an opportunity, and also the most luxurious thing you can have in our overcrowded time.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 07:59 AM
3

Divorce is not something you do as a family, it's something you do as an individual to break the family. As such, don't ask your wife's advice on it and don't seek her approval. Figure out what you want to achieve in terms of custody, property and living arrangements. Check with a lawyer which of that is likely to be contended and what is realistic. Make sure you are prepared for the reaction - as in, her withdrawing all the money from an account or moving out or changing locks. Then, if there i…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 10:00 AM
4

>Says cryptic things like "I don't know if this can work". How is that cryptic? It means what he says. He sees the marriage as broken, and he doesn't know if it is fixable. The conflict is somewhat familiar to me. I have videogames instead of comic books, my wife earns almost the same as you - the difference is, I also earn about the same. Either he wins and you suck it up, you win and he sucks it up, or you compromise leaving both of you moderately unhappy. Or you part ways. A possible reason f…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 09:44 AM
3

Assume she is. General advice nowadays is to assume everything is being recorded. Smart free sheech - feel free to say things that benefit you.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 09:16 AM
7

Consider this scenario: she gets really super angry, takes all the money out of shared account and disappears with the intention to only ever see you in court. Do you have a stash somewhere to pay the fees? Lawyer, court, whatever are the costs where you live. If you can, stop smoking, drinking. A lawyer can give you a legal advice on what's the leverage that your wife will get from it, but also - alcohol makes you depressed and angry, weed makes you dumb and docile. Both are not ideal in a prol…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 09:01 AM
1

Seems like you have no choice. Still, I'm curious how it is manageable.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 08:52 AM
1

By they are notorious, you mean people, right? Not just women. I mean, we do the same. One page of this sub has enough evidence. Even under this topic someone tells me that my only fault is choosing the wrong person, which they cannot possibly know (and which is unlikely to be true). It's helping me to escape the guilt, I assume.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 08:43 AM
1

Good luck! It actually becomes kind of irrelevant, "what did she mean by that" or "how could she say this". I had all kinds of conversation with my first wife that seemed important at the time. All of them meant nothing 1 year after we parted ways. By now I can't remember them, only remember that they felt important (which they were not).
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 08:40 AM
2

Well, I don't think it's just that, to be honest. In any case, I try to evaluate myself on the basis of the result, not on the effort, and the result is a failure. Whatever mistakes I made, that's where I ended up.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 08:37 AM
2

I have two options for you. She is either insincere, in that she described everyone who is one her side as good, everyone who is against as bad. Or she is stupid and actually believes it. :)
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 03:28 PM
2

I sincerely think at the moment that all women are evil. Well, it's more nuanced than that, but I do think having romantic relationships with a woman, any woman, is ultimately not worth it. So, OP is not too far off.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 02:38 PM
1

If it's illigal where you live, dispose of it. Whatever she made a photo of, can't be attributed to you, can it? I mean, she could have bought it to harm you. You don't know where she took weed she photographed.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 02:24 PM
1

I kind of don't understand how people manage 100%. What if you are sick and land in a hospital? What if you are fired? What if they one of your kids is sick and you have an important presentation? That said, I understand she might be so bad that having her around doesn't do anything to reduce these risks.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 01:58 PM
5

The day my ex moved out and I thew away all the crap that infested every horizontal surface in my apartment was one of the happiest days in my life. I was an idiot to allow it to happen again.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 12:36 PM
3

Women are damaged by social media, men - by porn and videogames. And by alcohol, at least in russian-speaking countries. Statistically speaking. We all have our sins. I've just learned recently that videogames industry is bigger than music, television and movies combined. I can't attribute the failure of my marriage to social networks. If anything, my fascination with videogames did more to it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 12:34 PM
3

If you are fighting for you child, you are not being petty. But make sure you do that and not just reacting on your jealousy or whatever other feelings you might have. Don't bring it up as just your words. Either you have proof or it never happened.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 12:24 PM
2

You were lied to by the person who was important. Of course you care, it undermines basic trust in the Universe. Wishing her happiness is not may be a healthy thing to do, but it's not The Healthy thing. Other things are healthy too. Certain degree of anger is healthy. Certain degree of disappoinment is healthy. Even self-pity and jealousy are healthy, why not. Don't try and be too noble. She is a cheater, a lier, and she betrayed you. "Go be happy with someone else" is less healthy than "go fuc…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 11:40 AM
2

She also described all her exes as losers and simps You know why they ask about previous employers on job interviews? Exactly for that reason. If a poor fellow worked for complete assholes throughout his career, it's possible you as an employer will become a +1 in that list.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 11:14 AM
1

Whether or not logical operations (as well as other arithmetics) are executed by the same or different neurons in different people... well, I'm scientifically curious, but it's largely irrelevant to any of the applied science questions I have.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 11:04 AM
2

I think she tried to make it less boring (in her own somewhat destructive way) and failed. The kid killed the fun - we have no parents to help us, we both work full time, so when our son entered our lives, it became pretty much work, sleep, take care of the kid and play with the kid. Or go somewhere the kid would fit. Can't go to a movie, can't have dinner at a restaurant. Well, one of us can - the other has to take care of the kid in the meantime. I'd say overall there is a good chance that rep…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 10:51 AM
1

English is an amazing language! Had to lookup the word, yes, it's exactly that. Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 10:44 AM
3

I'm 45, she's 10 years younger, we have one kid. At the moment, it's kind of hard to see why would I want to repeat any part of this exercise - it's my second marriage, I've tried once, corrected, tried second time. Since I don't have another lifetime to spare, after we are done I'd probably stop at that :)
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 10:43 AM
1

I try to avoid making angry decisions. But then again, it sounds like divorce is inevitable, might as well get to it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 10:39 AM
2

Yeah, I understand that. People quit because they see better options, real or estimated. I just wish she'd do it before we had kid, you know? I'm definitely not the best man in the world, if she'd like to pursue something else - by all means. Just have fucking decency not to start a 20 years project before you quit.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 10:03 AM
1

Neither of us has any trauma, any mental disorder or disability. Both my wife and I are pretty regular, able and reasonably healthy people. I suspect I have a slight depression, but I'm functional enough. Even from my current disappointment in her I don't see any particular red flags that I overlooked. Everyone is nice to those who they love. Everyone's a selfish ass to those they don't.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 09:26 AM
2

What's so bad being a bad guy? She doesn't have to convince me she's awesome because we are done. She has zero interest in making an impression on her parents, we have no common friends. Our son is 5, he has very... simplified morals. I see no benefit for her. She can be evil bitch, nobody will notice. She can be an angel, nobody will reward her. I agree with your prognosis that there will be a reason even if I address whatever reasons she invented now. I kind of see it in our conversations; it …
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 08:59 AM
2

Thanks for the observation! Isn't this applicable to both genders? I mean, I am an unreliable narrator as well, I see the same issue in myself. When I'm feeling down, I sincerely interpolate and start seeing my whole life as a failure; although I can make an effort and remember it wasn't always like that. Same with my wife and the thing between us - when it becomes bad, I start thinking it was always bad, when it improves, I start thinking it was okay. I wouldn't trust myself to take an integral…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 08:51 AM
1

"We were never right for each other" - exactly her phrase. She thinks she put up with me for too long. Paradoxically, I think so to, hence the rant. Our connection was lost as soon as she gave birth and our lives turned to new parents hell. At the time I thought it was an elastic deformation that will go away when the strain is removed; but it turned out to be plastic deformation. Stress is mostly gone as the kid is now 5, but the connection is broken.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 03:57 PM
2

I am not sure I understand your point. Whether there is a statistical difference between males and females in their abilities to perform logical operations is a matter of science; individual differences exceed statistical difference easily. Men are physically stronger, but it's not hard to find a women who runs faster than I do, lifts more weight or punches harder.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 03:52 PM
5

My wife points out all the rich couples :) Maybe she can find a more successful man.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 03:47 PM
3

Do you think she will look for butterflies elsewhere?
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 03:46 PM
3

Does it make her a bad guy though? I mean, she comes out and says "I'm bored and I want to quit" or she comes out and says "I want a different type of person next to me, I want to quit" sounds about the same from moral standpoint. She has a right to be bored and a right not to like me. I just really wish she'd made up her mind earlier.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 03:45 PM
3

But how "you are lacking this and that property" better (from her feeling good about the decision point of view) than "I don't like you anymore"? Especially if I was lacking it from the beginning. Not liking somebody anymore seems fair. We have very limited control over whom we love.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 03:41 PM
7

When I married her I honestly assumed I am okay for her - and she was okay for me. I didn't decide suddenly after 10 years that I prefer (and preferred all along) blondes or whatever. Yeah, good that it happends now and not after 10 more years and N kids.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 03:40 PM
3

Thanks. I think I am as prepared for this. In my first divorce the boyfriend showed up on my doorstep. I don't think it'll happen though. She genuinely does seem to have lost all hope in men. If anything, a girlfriend is more likely.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 03:27 PM
3

I do let it invalidate "happiness before". It feel it was a lure, basically, to pull me into this crap.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 03:20 PM
1

Did this all go away? Climbing, surfing, all that stuff. I imagine it's not exactly possible to maintain with three kids.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 02:29 PM
2

She says it's 50/50 responsibility. I believe it's 90/10, with 90% of it being her fault :) Assuming neutral scenario, I am more likely to be mistaken.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 02:27 PM
1

I somehow missed the kids. Indeed, it is sad that the mother of your kids does that. As for my marriage, I generally think that things broken beyond repair should be disposed of. But according to her criteria as presented now, it was never working. Could have never worked. The fuck she was waiting for?
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 02:23 PM
1

But it's a bit like dressing sexily for a guy you don't want to have sex with! Actually, I see what you mean. Women do it all the time :)
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 02:20 PM
2

Thank by the way, that's a useful perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 02:18 PM
2

My wife is this super-logical person that software engineering trains one to be. Her excuses might be random, but she's logical all right. If she acts, she has a reason. But I'm annoyed as hell she postponed acting until after we have a kid and all kinds of minor commitments.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 02:16 PM
1

I hope my wife has a new guy hidden somewhere. At least that would make sense. As for your story, why is it sad? You removed a parasite, it found another host. Good job.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 02:12 PM
1

What would be the point to hiding a real reason? At the time this statement was made, we were discussing going to a mortgage adviser to check how to split our load and see what kind of separate loan each of us will end up having. It's not like she has to look nice in my book anymore. I think she told me what be believed to be the truth.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 02:10 PM
2

At least you had a perceived degradation. You had something in common, now you don't, the trend is negative, time to divorce. Basically, if my wife said the same at any time during the years before she concieved our child, it would have been immensely easier and morally unambiguous.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 02:07 PM
1

Same thought can be applied to you. Whatever you say now is transient and relatively unimpotant. For decades, you had enough to keep going, regardless of the presentation now. I mean, if what you write was true, it's kind of hard to see why did you lose hope now, and not 2, 5, 7 years ago - you had exactly the same reasons and the same data. My recommendation would be to organize your thoughts a bit, quiet down, but you seem to be already going in this direction.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 12:02 PM
-2

Why do you care if your no longer wife knows your passwords in case of your sudden death?
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 10:09 AM
11

This is not even a story, this is just a bunch of chatGPT-level bullshit. "Our lives flourished", fucking ridiculous.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 09:49 AM
1

I recommend not listening too much to self-presentations; words mean almost nothing, actions always speak the truth. She was with you for decades, that's the choice she was continuously making. Whatever regrets she wants to express now, the reasons she stayed with you might still be valid (or might not be). If you would be interested in saving the marriage, your goal would be to identify this reasons and appeal to them (again, not words, but adjustments in behavior). But if you are not intereste…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 08:12 AM
1

Ah, I misunderstood than. That should be fine. Is there a chance your wife will change her mind?
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 03:27 PM
1

I don't think it's a good idea to mix up marriage counseling and individual therapy in one specialist. Conflict of interest for the therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 01:43 PM
6

Talk to a lawyer yourself. You don't need her approval or her presence to do it. Also, therapy. Also don't need her to make yourself stronger.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 01:41 PM
3

Good job having some sleep. Calling in sick is a good idea. That's as valid a reason to use a sick day as a flu, maybe even more valid. The company I work in gives exceptional holiday leave for child birth, moving house, death of a relative - there totally should be an exceptional leave case for a divorce. Do talk to people, it helps. If you have nobody to trust, find a therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 12:09 PM
11

If you are not ready to follow up on a threat or on a proposal, don't make a threat or a proposal. Don't propose to talk to a lawyer if you don't know what to do if she says "yes". Also, prepare yourself. Her talking about it means she is considering it. It may be forced on you, and you will have to deal with it one way or another.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 12:03 PM
2

You are in okay spot. For me the worst thing out of this list would be the fallout that the children will have to suffer, everything else seems relatively non-critical. Yeah, you might disagree on the house. Be prepared you are not staying there. She doesn't need your tools, but you will have to split tools value anyway, so you will likely have to pay for it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 11:58 AM
1

I mean, right now there are no legalities. You are married, you own two houses. Whatever each of you earn belongs to both of you. Whatever expenses each of the houses creates, both of you carry it. You are a family from legal standpoint. Or are you legally separated?
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 11:24 AM
2

People manage to be not on their phone all the time even when they are single. Love is not a prerequisite for anything.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 11:16 AM
2

Do I need to keep paying those expenses while I am not living in our house, and while she is earning decent money? Of course. You are her slave, you must pay. Or better yet, just transfer all your salary to her the day you get it, and then beg if you need to buy something for yourself, maybe she'll be merciful. I’m worried that if I try to pass the bills over to her she simply won’t pay them and I’ll end up getting dragged into it anyway along with overdue fees, etc. You know the way out of it, …
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 09:40 AM
9

She sat on her ass and stared at her phone, ignoring me for years. Correct way to phrase it is "I tolerated it for years". And now you are out of it. Congratulations.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 09:37 AM
2

That's ridiculous to even consider, you will see it after you start the divorce. Breaking of a marriage of 25 years will affect multiple Christmases and it's a life event, in many cases quite tragic and disastrous. Whereas Christmas is just a decoration of life, nothing significant. If you gain something positive from waiting, like your wife is expected to have a huge end of year bonus, then wait by all means. But I assume you'd mention it if it was the case.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 09:02 AM
2

Silver lining is you had some happy years. That's all any of us can do with our finite insignificant lives. Have some happy years, have some fun, suffer and die.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 08:59 AM
3

Collecting bottles is a waste of time and energy. Being very frugal (to the extent that you restrict your diet) is a waste of you. Blitz-paying a mortgage only makes sense if its interest rate is higher than investment returns. There is no rebuilding, there's just building. From the point where you landed after the divorce. What's lost, lost, it's better to accept it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 03:40 PM
3

Does she offer anything concrete though? Or just saying "stop it because I really really really want you to stop it"?
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 10:02 AM
8

I succumbed to such begging once, withdrew my filing, and I sincerely regret it. I just wasted a year and a half. The reasons I filed in the first place reappeared - they were suppressed temporarily rather than addressed. Do you know it's bad and is not going to improve? If so, don't listen. You don't have to.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 09:29 AM
3

Yep. A fucking disgrace and cheating encouragement. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DNA_paternity_testing#France
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 08:47 AM
3

Sorry, in the message above my insufficient mastery of English language really shows. "you mostly try to regain control" is incorrect of course; I don't know you and your goals. What I mean is that taking blame in these situations gives an illusion of control (the universe is stable and reliable, I just needed to behave differently), and it's a benefit that people sometimes pursue in a psychological single-player game of blaming themselves.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 02:05 PM
0

Knowing all that I know now, as a father of 5yo, I would not. I love my son and I even think I am a good father, but I'd prefer not to be one. That said, as a male you still have many years of being fertile. You can find a lady that is willing (think -10 years), build a relationship, a family and live happily ever after. Or divorce tragically, lose access to your kids and half your stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 01:52 PM
12

By taking the blame you mostly try to regain control. Here's what you could do to prevent it from happening: nothing. Here's why. If your wife was a decent person, she'd remain faithful, communicate her needs, if they are unfuilfilled and she is unhappy with you - file for a divorce and then, when it's done, fall for a coworker. People get close and they get distant. Priorities change. That's all really understandable, and you are free to blame yourself for not being the man she'd like you to be…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 01:42 PM
2

You therapist may be correct in general, but I think she is overlooking an important bit - your ex is dating and is glowing, all while being in the same space as you. Focusing on healing is great in theory, for a spherical ex-husband in a vacuum, but the reality is represented by your wife in the next room having fun. If you wouldn't do what you did, you'd be a sad loser from whom your ex has moved on. Now you are a winner. Maybe not the healthiest, but a winner nevertheless.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 01:24 PM
4

Can you do a paternity test yourself? At the very least, you'll know; don't have to act on it or prove it. I know in France it's illegal and up to a year in jail, and in Germany it's a fine of 5k, maybe your country is more lenient. What kind of evidence do you need to make a court request it?
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 11:52 AM
4

Then I recommend looking for have a very, very good reason to believe this time it'll go differently. Or if you can't find one, at the very least do a better job preparing it'll go the same route.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 11:06 AM
4

You fought well and did what you could. Impressive result, impressive resilience. We must protect our children, but sometimes the world is stronger and we can't. There are tsunamis, earthquakes and psychotic mothers. I'd advise keeping your cool and staying alert and prepared, but you are already better at it than most. Things happen to us we can't control. All we can do is keep fighting for the good cause. Write a book maybe? Or a blog. Yours I'd read, it's always interesting to hear a story ab…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 11:04 AM
11

Most marriages start like this, with "she’s really attractive, good conversation, funny, sexy and I really like her". How many of them end - you can read in this sub, plus your own experience. I mean, I am now working towards my second divorce, and both time it started with "she’s really attractive, good conversation, funny, sexy and I really like her". Did it start like this with your first wife?
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 09:56 AM
3

No, she wouldn't be special even then. There are no special people, including women. All people are more or less the same.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 09:52 AM
3

4 ladies willing to have sex with you in 6 weeks? That's an amazing result, good job. I still think your initial approach might have been wiser, but not staying behind while your ex seeks out a new man is important too. So, knee-jerk or not, I think you made the right choice.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 09:50 AM
1

Again, please read carefully about the situations I answered and the specifics of what I wrote. You seem to be talking to some voices none of which is mine.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 08:42 AM
1

Thanks, I see your point now. You are right, I think.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 06:53 AM
9

Stop telling her stuff. Don't believe every threat you hear, weigh it first. If she tries to bury you in marital debt, she will bury herself in approximately the same amount, won't she.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 03:12 PM
2

Also a fair statement. But OPs behavior should be the same. Whether it's a statement or a termination notice, don't fucking discuss it like she loves you and made an error while showing this love.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 02:46 PM
2

In all fairness, she is not gone. She is obviously making a statement. Woman that is gone will not bother making a statement.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 02:22 PM
6

What kind of meaning are you looking for? Human behavior is mostly an economic behavior. She disposed of you once you started to take more than you give, and once she decided she has better options. If you believe in love, vows and fairy tales, the explanation is more difficult to see, but staying rational it becomes really simple.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 02:21 PM
10

May I suggest growing up and being an adult? Instead of starting all this conversations from assumptions she is doing all this in good faith and with love to you, hear the actual message. Which is, I am guessing but you should know, "I am punishing you". She is communicating very clearly by gifting something you want to her family while excluding you, and then _telling you_ (by letting you to overhear) that she did that on purpose. Stop sugarcoating it, take it for what it is.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 08:11 AM
2

Wouldn't it depend on all the amounts? How big a debt, how much is the rent, how many relatives willing to provide accomodations you have. If you have options to stay rent-free somewhere, I'd consider it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 06:05 PM
3

Ha! Nice. It's hard to pull the trigger becasue it's acknowledgement of failure and a start of a really unpleasant project.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 06:02 PM
2

(sorry, my first answer was dumb, editing it out - evening, tired) More men seek casual sex, first one is less fun for women, it's more dangerous for women, the reasons are many. Result is, we are statistically more interested during the first date. Makes sense for us to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 05:14 PM
1

Why do you think it's gaslighting and not descent in quality of sex? I mean, I can relate. Sex was good, then slightly worse, then slightly worse and finally not worth having. There's an afterplay with messages, but it gradually stops meaning what is written and starts being comfortable lies.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 03:40 PM
3

The rule is this: whoever asks out the person, pays for the date. Why should it be that, I wonder? If you are developing rules, why not follow a wonderful Dutch tradition of everyone paying their own bill? Also, wouldn't "whoever invites, pays" be an equivalent of men paying? As you get older, you may find that a good man is harder to find. Same is true for us, is it not? I do not notice any excess of good women in my forties as compared to my twenties.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 01:00 PM
2

Oh yeah, it does, was the same for me :)
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:56 PM
1

Then I'd say it's worth an effort to try and backtrack. It was okay with the same person, which changes can be reverted for it to become okay again? Also, any chance you could hire help? 250k doesn't sound like a lot for 3 kids and a wife, but mental health repairs will also cost you; might be cheaper to have a cleaning lady and/or a babysitter. Or even au pair.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:51 PM
3

Before you decide to end it, I recommend to stop worrying about eggshells. Walk as you would, see what happens. Brutal honesty is sometimes healing. Your fears about dimished access to kids are well justified. You divorce - you'll see them less, and they'll see you less.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:34 PM
2

It's not just us being or not being vulnerable, it's also the availability of options for them. Depends on the culture and the country a bit, but generally speaking, a women of average attractiveness can find sex easily; a man of the same attractiveness - not so much. This imbalance of availability exists regardless of man's neediness. Same as you go to the shop to buy an item. Item's price is affected by its supply and its demand; your neediness for this particular item only affects your choice…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:29 PM
1

In such stories I am always curious how did it look like a good idea to have a second and a third child with her. I mean, the first is always a gamble. Nobody knows how anybody, including themselves, will fare as a parent. But after the first one you have all the information you need to make a decision about the subsequent kids. Other than being so distant from the actual triggers, your breaking point seems valid.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 11:08 AM
5

You seem to be learning a valuable lesson, same as I learned in my first divorce. Any person is a good person when you don't have a conflict, when your interests match. You only know if the person is decent and honest and fair when there is a competition for a limited resource - a bank account, a house, time with a kid, etc. Good luck and keep fighting.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 10:26 AM
-2

If you can afford not to pay, don't, by all means. I've always considered men paying on first dates as a sign of our neediness. Sex with a new woman is less available and more interesting to us than sex with a new man to them. We pay to compensate for this difference. Like, I know you have other options, here's a small compensation for considering me. If you are so cool they are interested anyway, there is no reason to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 10:21 AM
1

You don't care about losing what, exactly?
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 07:48 AM
-1

Why even say them to begin with? There are two kinds of idiots - one kind gives promises that are impossible to fulfill, the other kind believes them. For both groups I cannot begin to imagine "why even".
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 02:47 PM
1

No, and I gave the reasoning above. Grass is predictable and consistent, the same conditions produce the same results. Women have free will. Water the grass all you want, if the grass doesn't like you it'll mean nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 12:19 PM
2

All investments are inherently risky.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 11:09 AM
1

What does it even mean? Women are not grass, they are human beings with free will (as surprising as it might sound). They have options. They have opinions. They make choices. You cannot expect to cultivate them into loving you.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 09:36 AM
1

There is no good way to say "I want to part ways". She'll be hurt, and you are the cause of it. Best you can do - be concrete, certain and come with a plan and a proposal how to do it. Don't leave any hope if there isn't any. Don't sugarcoat it. You seem to have your reasons lined up; present them as they are, don't go into "it's not you it's me" lies; it's easier in a long run to know the real reason. If you have no kids, you owe her pretty much nothing, you like other women more - go for it. B…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 09:33 AM
1

It's time to start dating if you have not done so yet.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 09:20 AM
3

When everything is your fault, generally it means she came to a conclusion that she can do better. Either with someone else (possibly hypothetical, most often not) or alone. Going through hoops is a choice. You can choose not to, the result will most definitely be the same; nobody ever loved somebody because they were a circus animal.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 08:50 AM
6

To stay close, both must work. To grow apart, one is enough.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 08:47 AM
-5

All the challenges you list seem realistic. It's not possible for strangers to make a realistic assessment of whether it's a risk worth taking, as opposed to the risk of waiting for your husband to change his mind with regards to kids. Yes, dating is not easy for most people, with the exception of the most attractive ones. That said, there are a lot of men looking for women to build a family together. Being alone is tough, rebuilding your social connections might be challenging; but it's not imp…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 08:45 AM
1

Yeah, that must be the part I missed, thanks for pointing out :) Your analysis is fair. When the child landed into our already busy schedules, we both became deserted by each other. Basically, we both barely had any time to recover while the other parent takes care of a baby, which reduced our time together to non-existent. And when we started to get a little time back, I was more interested in restoring my videogames hours rather than hours with my wife. It might have illuminated the priorities…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 08:31 AM
1

This answer gave me the most thoughts to think on the matter. The proposed model explains everything and leaves out nothing. Thanks again.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 01:22 PM
2

It makes sense, and it made sense for me the first time. I think that was the reason I spend the time in my first marriage going to couple counceling - wanted to be able to say to myself "I did everything I could". Now I think I put too much value on being able to tell myself that. Who cares if it's a mistake, we always make decisions with incomplete information, any change is a risk. Do what you think is right, don't bother to prove it scientifically.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 01:13 PM
1

I don't think videogames affect my life responsibilities. I only allocate free time to it. I take care of our son, our cats, repair what needs repairing and clean what needs cleaning, I cook and do dishes. Also, usual full time work. And language studies, mine and kid's. The time that's left is spent on hobbies - sci fi books, youtube, but mostly videogames. I put pretty much everything before videogames. Videogames compete only for my free time. That said, it doesn't mean that she can't have a …
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 01:08 PM
1

How is "the sex is not good" an indication of a narcissist?
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 10:19 AM
2

You seem to mix up two very different things - how good it was for you and how good it was for her. You describe a number of instances when it was good for you. As for words that she sent, she might have lied, but better ask her. Women fake orgasm all the time, you know.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 10:19 AM
9

Sell, then both buy lower grade property in a worse location. Don't agree to what she proposes, there is no way out of it that you will be able to enforce.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 10:14 AM
7

This question doesn't make a lot of sense, to be honest, because the answer depends on where you were, on your potential and its realization. And also, "back to where you were" is impossible. If it will take you 10 years to earn what you lost in a divorce, it'll still cost you 10 year. You will not be where you were, you'll be same money, minus 10 years of your total lifetime.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 10:10 AM
2

Why do you think she should not be okay with seeing the kid only half of the time? For many parents, those who love their kids less and their free time more, it's a blessing. Especially if your schedule made the kid mostly hers to take care of.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 09:13 AM
1

Ah, I see what you mean, thanks. Yeah, I agree, it makes sense, but I do not see a lot of avenues towards a level up. What I saw within my reach and could do, I did. I moved to a better country from a country where I was born, I earn 3 times the average even here (but that's probably my ceiling, I lack certain qualities for top management positions), I stay in shape, and so on. It's unlikely I have what it takes to become a successful enterpreneur or a movie star.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 09:06 AM
1

So with all that, do you still think your advice is valid? I mean, you are going through a lot of really bad things, your kids are being lied to about you and such. Do you think you should have put more effort in trying to reconcile with that woman? Do you think therapy could fix that? For what it is worth, I do believe my situation is different. I don't think my wife will lie to our son when we divorce (not intentionally, anyway); one of the reasons she does not divorce me just yet is that she …
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 01:43 PM
5

Also, it's not small and it's not petty. You've moved on. Good job. Your wife still track who likes your facebook, not so good a job.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 12:53 PM
5

Interesting example of self-fulfilling prophecy. You wife had a concern and by acting on it she made it a reality.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 12:52 PM
0

You don't need to understand him; you already have all you need - evidence. He broke up with you once, out of the blue, gave standard bullshit reasons. My perspective would be that: his feelings towards you proved to be unrealiable. Don't base life changing decision on whether he wants to be with you at the moment; as demonstrated, it can change. You want to move to Seattle? By all means, move to Seattle. But the weight of him wanting to see you there should not exceed 5% in the set of weighted …
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 12:39 PM
4

If you'd like another thing to be grateful for, be grateful for how fast it has failed. There are many really sad stories on this sub of quarter of a century long marriages failing for many years, men agreeing to live in constant abuse chasing the ghost of "if I was good enough, she'd forgive me", cheating, abuse, disprespect and arguments about custody. Yours have broken up quickly. A failure is a failure, but yours is an inexpensive one (although it might not feel as such if you loved her).
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 12:07 PM
1

It's my second marriage. In my first, I filed for a divorce, then hesitated, withdrew my application and tried to reconcile - went to couple counseling, all that. Filed again after year and a half, more tired and with more to split. The only thing I regret is that I wasted all this time and effort; should have not hesitated and followed it through on the first attempt.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 12:00 PM
2

How do you imagine your being attracted to this class of people or that class is actionable for you partner? I mean, I like women with short hair and women wearing short skirts. These are all my "problems" to deal with, not my wife's; they started being mine as soon as I gave her an implicit promise of exlusiveness. She doesn't have to address it. If I was attracted to my gender, it wouldn't change much, just add another group of people I'm attracted to.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 11:34 AM
1

I reached a conclusion I don't want to help our relationship. I am content with it being what it is, heading for a divorce. I also took my son's benefit in this consideration, that's the best course of action for him as well.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 11:28 AM
2

"It is not good and it is not improving" constiture a sufficient reason for a divorce. Without episodes of domestic abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 11:24 AM
6

First of all, drop the drama. "Women who is supposed to love me deserted me" is too self-pitying. After you both had an argument, she created an inconvenience worth N-hours for you. And she does not apologize. That's the reality; love and desertion is bullshit for tv shows and novels. Whether it's forgivable is irrelevant since she is not asking for forgiveness. Whether you can live with a woman who can pull something like that - for you to decide; if she did it once, she will do it again, espec…
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 11:20 AM
1

She did not ask that when I proposed. She did not ask that when we decided to move to another country. She did not ask that when we took mortgage and bought an extremely expensive (for us) property. She did not ask that when we decided to try for a baby. If she had, I'd have no problem with that. Everyone is entitled not to have a husband who plays videogames; if she needed one, she had every right to look elsewhere.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 10:34 AM
2

I don't think my enjoying videogames would qualify any medical definition of addiction. I am functional, I allocate actual spare time to playing - same as other people allocate it to watch TV or cook sophisticated but nutritionally unnecessary food.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 10:31 AM
1

It wasn't causing a problem for many years, and it hasn't gotten worse in terms of hours.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 10:29 AM
1

As an adult, I am sure everyone's love is conditional and do not expect to be unconditionally loved. That's totally fine with me. I am confused by the fact that the condition that doesn't seem to satisfy her criteria was prominent from day 1. It's not the best reason for divorce if she was searching for one, because it's not new at all.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 10:25 AM
1

Thanks; I'll look it up.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 10:21 AM
1

My wife is working full time (had been doing that since the beginning, minus 4 months around a child birth), earning a lot. Economically the divorce is going to set her back as compared to having a healthy marriage. If she planned a divorce, that's not a very good plan (which is unlike her, she is good at planning).
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 10:20 AM
1

At this point, I don't see how a mediator would help, because I don't think there is a lot left for saving. At this point we are colleagues at the parenting project and roommates; neither of us seem to be interested in going back to being romantic partners. I am good at therapy-speak, just not in English :)
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 10:16 AM
1

That's very thoughtful, thanks a lot! Sounds very compatible with my wife's words. It's also quite unpleasant, because it means I screwed up and abandoned her at the time of need; because of unpleasantness I think I have never reached this thought myself. In the first 1-2 years of our child, it was overwhelming for me (yeah, I know, I am weak - one healthy child was too heavy a load to carry). I defaulted into a survival mode, was not the best husband, that's for sure. I would not object if she …
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 10:11 AM
1

He is not wrong, playing videogames is unproductive, asocial and is somewhat childish. That's definitely not an attractive quality of mine, or of anyone. Still, I like it. I have this quality and I never hid it and never gave any indication I plan to correct it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 09:58 AM
1

Maybe. But then it doesn't make a lot of sense to choose a man who plays videogames and shows no indication of a plan to stop. Even less sense to commit with such a man to having a kid, an apartment, a common future.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 09:50 AM
1

But what's the point of rewriting the past? I mean, she can easily be unhappy with me at present. "I can do better", that's it, be any level of unhappy. Feeling of regret is not an easy one.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 09:44 AM
1

How do you figure? We play the same game, have approximately the same strength in it. It's PvP, yes, and as such certain level of unpredictability and viciousness is to be expected.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 09:41 AM
1

It's same part of the day that is taken by work. Someone has to prep him for school and bring him there, someone has to take him from aftershool care. Morning shift is 70-90 minutes, then 9 hours work day, then evening shift is easier, but longer at 180-200 minutes; the remainder of the day is "rest from parenting and work" part.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 09:39 AM
1

Interesting... At some point after the child was born she started to treat me poorly, withdraw from communication for days on end, for several years. Maybe she is looking for a justification. Strange that you say female mind has no logic. That's logical and smart.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 09:37 AM
1

Thanks, a very justified opinion :) I am not considering giving up videogames, to be honest. Why would I give up a hobby? If it was a choice between my wife and my hobby, I'd still choose a hobby because I don't want to have a partner who is selfish enough to present such a choice. Other hobbies, sadly, do not seem to hold any interest for me. Not the ones my wife would enjoy, anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 09:34 AM
2

Time I could allocate for videogames went to almost zero in the first year, then gradually I started to regain it. I take care of 50% of household chores, of earning money and of taking care of the kid. We don't have family time nowadays, just time with the kid. It was like that from the beginning, except for pregnancy, giving birth and breastfeeding in which I am biologically incapable to contribute (althout I did my best to compensate). Sit her down and ask what's going on. I started the topic…
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 09:03 AM
1

Thanks! That makes a lot of sense for me. More sense than any theory I had.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 08:59 AM
3

All right, so if I understand your thought correctly, she mixed up the cause and the effect. It's not she stopped loving me because of years of competing for my time with videogames; she stopped loving me and because of that she is now upset that she spent time on a suboptimal mate. She is very logical. Like, proper logic, software engineering grade. Do you think I should present this finding?
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 03:29 PM
3

What I don't understand is why it took 11 years to reach a conclusion that I'm not going to change. If I did not change the first year, when the passion was high and hormones where keeping me erect half of the time, why would I change the next year and the year after?
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 03:01 PM
3

No walking ATMs, we both work full-time and earn the same. Same reason I am not worrying about financial consequences of getting divorced: everything we own was earned by both of us, splitting it 50:50 would be approximately fair. As for hard part, 5yo still requires a lot of daily attention. We do shifts, each day hers is either morning shift or the evening shift, and mine's the other.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 02:57 PM
3

Could you elaborate? I don't understand this marriage wheel script metaphor, English isn't my first language. She seemed genuinely upset with her past decisions when she was answering my question about regrets.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 02:55 PM
2

I don't seem to have any need to control the narrative with friends and family, this part of a war has very little meaning to me. I don't have friends at all, never felt the need to have them; hers are almost non-existent too and I could not care less what they think. Our families are quite far away, in another country. Mine doesn't care about her story, hers doesn't care about mine, and again, I don't really mind if her parents think whatever. I am in EU country, not US. No HELOC, recording som…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 02:52 PM
6

Could you please define how addicton is different from hobby? If you could provide the definition that you use, I can tell you if I have an addiction.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 02:47 PM
9

What your wife says seems presumptuous and borderline stupid. Is the title of her husband an honor that should be deserved? Ridiculous.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 02:44 PM
4

We did not get married right away, we lived together for about 2 years prior to registering it with the state. She had a very good evidence I am not changing. Then she had the same evidence a year after, when we decided to move to another country. Then a year after, when we decided to buy an apartment. Then a year after, when we decided to try for baby. I mean, on every step not just mine, but also her entanglement deepened. It just doesn't make sense to keep up hope over such a prolonged period…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 02:43 PM
5

A fair hypothesis. Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 02:40 PM
2

Why do you think her HP is unlimited?
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 02:38 PM
6

No worries, I am not losing neither myself nor my hobby. I am sad that I wasted a lot of time on a woman that doesn't like me (or edited her past in such a way that she seems to think now she never liked me). If I knew my playing videogames is not okay for her, we'd split. And it would have been so much easier before we bought an apartment, had a kid, moved to a different country.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 02:37 PM
3

Why bother with the past then? She is visibly suffering from these regrets.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 12:39 PM
5

Thing is, she did not make any visible effort, any push to change me. No manipulation, no requests, no bargaining, nothing. That said, if she was trying to change me, we'd part ways the first year, maybe the first month - and it's possible that that was quite a strong deterrent.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 12:37 PM
4

Thanks, fair point about sacrifice and fair point about the future being more important than the past. At this point of time I operate under the assumption that I am moving towards the divorce as soon as economy permits. But I am trying to understand how we reached this point, if not for any practical purposes then just for my intellectual integrity.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 12:21 PM
2

Thanks! Then I think it's more or less fair, would you say? Everyone has a right to hope for improvement.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 12:15 PM
3

Ah. So she basically was okay with my proposals, because there was a hidden component - implicit promise of mine or just her hope that I will abandon my hobby to some extent. Correct?
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 12:05 PM
7

I am not interested in getting back together to be honest, neither is my wife (or so it would seem). No, I don't want to avoid divorce at all costs. At some cost, yes.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 11:59 AM
1

Oh, you must be from the US. If so, disregard my advice.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 11:42 AM
1

It is always better not to advertise the fact of infidelity to friends and family.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 11:28 AM
1

Isn't OP aleady sure there is someone else? I mean, what's the point working on actual proof, it's not legally actionable anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 09:00 AM
1

Do you have children? This is important, because if you don't have kids and stay with a person who cheated, you lose yourself (basically, you are agreeing with being treated badly). If you do have kids, you have moral obligation to them to give your best attempt to reconcile; even his cheating is something you should try and overcome. Also, whatever you do, do not advertise the fact he cheated with relatives, friends and so on. Your hands might become tied by a social pressure if you do.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 08:58 AM
2

Is there a chance you hold the standard too high for yourself? The fact you have to keep going doesn't mean you have to have a 100% availability like a service desk. Allow you to fail at some things, possibly many things.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 01:16 PM
5

Also, why the fuck do you "have a huge respect" for someone who is calling you names? Don't. It's self-betrayal to respect somebody who disrespects you so much they can't observe basic courtesy.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 01:05 PM
1

First advice - don't have a third kid while you are at it. I am at a loss why after having a taste you went for the second, but what's done is done. Second, most likely your wife feels she is doing more than you are doing. It's an artifact of specialization: she has never done your job, it's very easy for her to underestimate how complex it is, especially if she is tired and looks for a person to blame. While you are "slacking off" at work, she is taking the hardship of parenting, something alon…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 01:01 PM
1

No, I don't know it. I am saying that the best message for the kids would be "your mother and I both decided to split", without pointing a finger, even if you feel you are entitled to point a finger. And I am saying that this message would not be a lie.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 10:54 AM
2

You mean, if you were given a choice to stay with a woman who is having an affair and is stealing your money, you'd stay?
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 09:42 AM
4

I just don’t think I’m capable of doing the “mommy and daddy thought it was best” thing here. But how is that incorrect? I mean, you thought it's best to divorce her, right? And she probably at some point thought so too, with all the things she was doing it's unlikely she put much value on the marriage. Factually it's correct. The context you give other adults on reddit is not needed for a 5 yo; you can give it later. I have something of a similar situation, my almost 5 son prefers me over my wi…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 03:50 PM
1

Please read carefully whom I answer and about which situation. Hint: it's not you and not about assault in a sleep.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 03:35 PM
3

For god's sake, stop being so scared. Whatever bad things she can do to you, drag you into litigation, refuse to sign, etc - she'll do or not do regardless of whether you bow to her. Stop sending money. However she asks for it, with a thousand "please" or with a "do it!", she has a new man now. He'll take care of her, you take care of you and the kid.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 01:58 PM
2

What's the point of educating someone who becomes your past?
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 01:56 PM
4

A little compassion for your daughter might help. She can't divorce her mother. She has to deal with it. You feel not appreciated enough? Imagine how she feels.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 12:59 PM
4

Anal visitation rights for a year after the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 09:47 AM
2

She then say that if I divorce her within 10 years, I should agree to pay her $50k. Sounds fair as long as there is symmetry - if she divorces you within 10 years, she should pay the same. With that, basically both of you will make a 50k commitment not to file. Generally, don't sign an agreement that is not mutually beneficial. You bring more, you should get more. You bring the same, you should get the same. You bring less, you get less.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 09:46 AM
0

Did I cause her to fall in love with her coworker? You chose her to be your wife, haven't you? I worshipped her and gave her everything she ever wanted. Does it matter for the evaluation of exam's grade if you have studied hard? No. Only the result matters. Divorce is a failure. Grade F for certain exam.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 08:56 AM
2

You are fixating on the wrong part of my message. She is irrelevant. When you put your hand into fire and don't withdraw it until it becomes burnt, are you to blame or the fire? There are many fires in our world; she is one, there are others. You made a choice to stay with her and a choice not to protect yourself. She is just a one of the bad things in our scary world, there many.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 02:58 PM
3

Get a therapy. Don't fix her, fix you. Or it'll bite you again.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 02:47 PM
2

Kind of hard to see why are you still together. Any single episode - her leaving you stranded, you calling cops, both of you almost cheating, you moving out - would be enough for me, more than enough, to quit without a second thought. Do you even love her? Have you ever?
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 02:46 PM
4

Isn't it a correct assumption? Divorce is a failure in family building. Technically a failure of a project doesn't necessarily means a failure of a participant, but that's really a narrow trail to follow for someone who doesn't know you. If anything, I'm writing without judging and as someone who had one divorce and considers a second one. None of which I have a reason to be proud of.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 01:09 PM
4

So, future trade school student doesn't seem to have a clue about bargaining. Whatever she offers, please answer "that's not a good offer, I want a better one". Then obviously consult a lawyer. You don't have to follow his advice, but at least have it; you can decide later how much of it is worth fighting for. 7500 sounds low, deducting attourney cost sounds beyond low - it's outright ridiculous. But you don't even have to consider it or think about it. First offer is tilted in her favor, that's…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 09:31 AM
3

I got slapped a few times in my first divorce and just let it slide. Then I went to a therapist and trained precisely for this situation to protect myself. I will not get slapped by a woman ever in my life again. Well, maybe by surprise, but if within my power, I'll not allow it. As men, we are significantly stronger. I mean, even in your description you managed to walk 56 km in one sitting, that's male endurance and strength. She can't take your wallet without you letting her. She can't take yo…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 09:15 AM
7

Congratulations! I don't congratulate you with a divorce, which is a failure of different severity for everyone; I congratulate you with cutting your losses. You kept your kids. You kept your sanity. You kept yourself as indicated by you having boundaries. You even kept healthy relationships with her parents, as indicated by being invited. Without knowing anything else, I'd say you did well.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 02:33 PM
0

Good, then you are prepared.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 07:55 AM
7

That's one of the heaviest projection train I saw recently. All I had in mind is a professional. Like, you know, well educated, well trained. Sells her time at a good value. Well adapted to the environment. Nowadays physical strength, the only thing in which we are significantly better, is rarely needed; most problems need resolve, knowledge and money - two of the three are basically prerequisites for a career, and third is a result. That doesn't mean she acts like a man, doesn't require being a…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 03:45 PM
1

May I suggest a point of consideration. Now that you told her, you have something of a moral right to pursue another woman should the opportunity present itself. That was, if I understand correctly, your goal and I congratulate you on opening yourself to a chance of improvement. But be aware that you opened the same option to her. Don't be surprised to find she fucks a gardener, smiles a little too provocatively to a colleague, hooks up in a bar or if she suddenly informs you that she filed for …
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 03:40 PM
2

In addition to the above, I also recommend looking for women that are below average in beauty - to compensate.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 02:30 PM
4

If she can prove you have concealed relevant information (like, you had property you failed to disclose, an account in a foreign bank or whatever), she might have a case. Otherwise, an agreement is an agreement. A party cannot suddenly decide to renegotiate because they want more.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 02:17 PM
14

Look for women with a career and above average income. In my limited as it might be experience, they generally don't need you to fix their problems and if they like you, they like you for who you are, not for your problem solving skills.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 02:08 PM
2

You know how internet trolls work? Be an internet troll. Ask, never answer. Accuse, but never explain yourself if accused. Provoke, but don't answer provocations. Let them be angry. Let them do the speech. If possible, record it.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 11:28 AM
3

Even if she could convince the court, go through all the devices, perform cavity search and an x-ray, that still doesn't guarantee OP didn't take 5 minutes to make a backup elsewhere.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 11:19 AM
5

Non-existance of backups is mathematically not possible to prove (non-existance of anything is generally a difficult thing to prove). Whatever she threatens you with, no action would prove there isn't a backup of the information she wants deleted. If she goes to court, and she even wins and the judge orders you to delete her nudes, she still has no guarantee you deleted all of them. It's exceptionally easy to make a hidden anonymous backup. When my ex made similar request, I deleted the photos i…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 11:17 AM
1

Anger carries a lot of energy. If you apply it to improving your future (to get back at your ex and to prove she's wrong, for example), a lot can be achieved.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 11:07 AM
1

Try to focus on your future, on the actions you can take in your present to improve it, and not to get stuck on your past. What happened, happened. It'll not change and it'll not get better. But as the time goes by, it becomes less relevant.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 11:06 AM
3

How you being a parent of some other kid gives her an advantage in court? If anything, it gives you advantage and disadvantages her. The court will take your obligation to your child and the mother of your child into consideration, it'll reduce the amount from which alimony or child support can be drawn for you ex-wife.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 09:18 AM
1

There is no winning in these wars. There is only getting out of them, ideally with as little damage to yourself as possible - and then rebuilding.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 09:15 AM
1

Hypothetically, is your being a parent to another kid relevant to your divorce? I mean, what would happen if she could prove you are indeed a father? How will it improve her situation?
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 02:42 PM
1

Ah. Am I correct in understanding that you hope to enable her to find a way out of her mental state, by giving her the space she wants? I don't think it's likely, based on the description. Also, why do you describe your household as "depressive"?
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 02:39 PM
1

So basically she wants to break up.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 02:01 PM
5

If you'd get violent, she wins. She can call the police, present it to the judge that you're mentally unstable, etc, etc. If you don't get violent, she is probably content with just humiliating you. You don't want him to show up, he shows up. You don't want him to know where you and you kids live, he demonstrates such knowledge. She wins. That's not dumb.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 02:01 PM
5

Humans are stupid and can't predict shit, men included. But specific for men, we have testosterone. Men should be taught to never trust their judgement if they like the looks. You think a woman is beautiful? If so, don't trust your opinions on whether she's smart, trustworthy, reliable or nice; testosterone will cloud your judgement. Smart men leave no kids, you are (same as I am) a descendant of a long chain of morons who chose to procreate.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 11:59 AM
3

I love my cats. I have to clean their shit and feed them at my expense, they don't give anything back except for, you know, being cats - and I still don't want to get rid of them, because I love my cats. Love you but want to part ways is just a sugarcoated desire to part ways, possibly with an open door to get back with if things go not as expected. When you say you are okay with giving her space, would you please think this thought a bit longer? As in, what does she need space for. If she wants…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 11:49 AM
14

There is no returning, ever. You can be a better 10 years old couple or a worse one, but you can't become a couple that just met. No break will take you back to the passion of the first month, sexual or otherwise. I also recommend getting rid of the delusion "we still very much love each other". You may love her, she doesn't love you - she is telling you she wants to leave you, come on man, it cannot get more clear than that. She says she wants a future without you. She says she believes she is …
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 08:53 AM
3

I don't think the the app or the internet are to blame. As long as you mind is primed to be triggered, it'll find a trigger. If you throw away the phone, something else will remind you of her and your great time together. A song you listened to together. A picture in a cafe. A smell. Therapy might help. Or just wait and live through it, it subsides over time.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 08:47 AM
9

Also, check her instagrammaton. There should be a foto "this is what I give to my ex-husband" or something. That's why.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 03:35 PM
6

I can't decide if this is complete ignorance or complete arrogance on her part. It's a complete "I do not care anymore, whatever" on your part. I view this as an act of disrespect and forced pity It is both, and probably five other things too. But do you really need to care? I mean, she's giving gifts. Throw them away if you don't like them. Or read them if you find them entertaining. Don't even have to thank her.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 03:34 PM
3

0-9 months of a child is the hardest time for young parents. Even if you don't do a lot of parenting, please consider that your wife is not at the best of her health, with a 1/7 chance suffers form post partum depression, and generally is having a hard time. If you do take night shifts with the child, consider the same for yourself - you are deprived of sleep, overworked and over-stressed, most likely. Not the best time to make life changing decisions. Patience. Getting sleep any time you can. T…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 02:05 PM
9

Thanks for posting this. It's an encouragement for younger people (like myself at 45 in a bad marriage) not to stick up with marital situation that doesn't improve for too long. Congratulations on your filing. It'll be tough, but you'll have a chance to live a better life. Staying in this marriage, the chance (it seems) would be 0. How is that important on whose name the house is registered and on whose name is the account? It's a communal property. If it was on you, you'd have to split it. It's…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 12:29 PM
12

Talk to a therapist, a friend, a relative. Don't drink. Send CV and go to interviews, it's a very good thing to do instead of worrying about a divorce. Also, even if you expect the divorce to go in a friendliest and the most polite way possible, with no argument at all, still consult a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 12:23 PM
14

Why do you consider sympathy? It's good that she is discussing peace terms, but peace doesn't require sympathy. Discuss if from the kids' future point of view, don't have to be sympathetic to their mother beyond that. Whatever difficulties she is facing, they are not yours anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 12:18 PM
2

Based on what you wrote, you seem to be overwhelmed by guilt and an illusion of control. If you are interested in how it looks from the outside, I see this: she cheated on you in the past, you cheated on her in the (nearer) past, you guys are even. You seem believe that your indiscretion is something you could control, which is true, but you also believe that her choice to fuck a colleague was something you could have controlled. Of course, it wasn't and never will be. I'd say confess your wrong…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 12:14 PM
1

Having a kid with a man who carries no obligations is very risky for a woman. As soon as she is pregnant, her investment becomes inevitable: she will spend time, effort and health; his contribution remains optional. He can change his mind a leave any day. The better the woman, the more she respects herself, the less likely she is to accept such an unfavorable deal in terms of risks balance. Marriage is needed for a man who wants to have children - with two parents and certain resilience of a con…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 09:59 AM
1

I agree with you. Statistically, a man (or a woman, for that matter) on a brink of marriage should consider a future divorce - with a significant probability it will happen. And hedging bets make some risk management sense.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 09:49 AM
8

If you don't blame her, you should be more polite and open for negotiation.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 11:43 AM
1

You forget children.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 11:24 AM
3

She’s (F30) incredible I wonder what she'll be like when you divorce. I know this is a somewhat cruel comment, but also statistically it's also a correct one. I’m worried my sexual desire will lead me away from an amazing person with high long-term potential. That's a good worry. Don't let your reproductive system rule over you.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 11:10 AM
24

If you plan for a divorce, don't get married in the first place. The most impactful thing you can do to make your divorce easier is to not get married. Your house will remain yours. Your car will remain yours. Your everything will not be contested.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 10:20 AM
2

Is it necessary to do either? I mean, your son is less than 1 year away from being an adult. It's probably wise both for you and for his mother to allow him a certain freedom of choice even now. Has he expressed his preference to her?
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 09:54 AM
3

Well, then my consideration is invalid. If you gave her a reason and it was big enough for her, you don't have a proof she is an idiot. Whatever your success is, might not be enough to make you worthy in her book.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 09:46 AM
1

Saying "you have potential" without evaluating whether it is true is the definition of pseudo-motivational. It's the opposite of taking responsibility; it's avoiding responsibility, but in a different direction than before.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 07:52 AM
2

I recommend being rational and pragmatic about it. Nothing is more "moved on" as perceiving objects for what they are; no attached narratives. Can you sell it? Can you use it as a screw in your bicycle?
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 03:41 PM
1

It's my second marriage, I've been through a divorce once; it was hard, I hope it has somewhat prepared me. We'll see. I don't think I have the next gear. I am definitely, definitely not going to improve myself with a goal to impress my wife. That's a shallow goal to begin with, but You are a man who has potential and is going somewhere. What kind of pseudo-motivational wishful thinking is that?
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 03:20 PM
2

Interesting people, your parents. Wife is not surprising, that shit happens left and right I thinnk. Your parents, on the other hand... are not the type I often see. I still cannot understand their motivation from your reply, but the picture of their behavior is clear. Thanks for going into details to satisfy a stranger's curiosity. Definitely a smart choice not asking for their help with the kids. You'd be back under absent father label in no time.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 03:07 PM
3

Apart from legal advice, make sure you have strong psychological support. Friends, parents, siblings, therapist, strangers on the internet - whoever you know can be consistently on your side. You are likely to have doubts, regrets, you will miss the good times and a nice person you once fell in love with. And you can't bring any of those to the person you divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 01:59 PM
3

Did she leave you or you left her? If she left you, you have a proof she is an idiot and made a mistake, you were a catch. That is, if the offer comes through, don't celebrate too early.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 01:22 PM
2

Why did you parents sided with your wife on this? Wife's motives I can at least imagine. If you pretend you do a lot and the partner is doing fuck all, he owes you a compensation. But what was in that for parent? Why did they try to belittle you role? We do 50/50 parenting with my not yet ex wife, and my mother thinks I do everything and my wife is a lazy ass, or something close to that.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 01:18 PM
0

Then it doesn't seem to add anything to the solution of a problem I presented.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 12:21 PM
1

Does the bank know what's in the box? In my country it didn't. Only a criminal investigation with a court order would technically allow to the authorities to peak in.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 12:19 PM
2

Got your logic, thanks for a explaining!
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 11:16 AM
1

Oh, my name and reputation do make a difference; it's just that I see no way to improve those by spending money. My reputation is based on my projects that succeeded, on problems that I solved and such. Indeed I would prefer to stay married and be a happy family together; but the reality doesn't seem to present such an option. Bring more than you brought last month. I mean energy and glow not just money. That's a very good point and if I managed to realize it, it possibly could have reverted the…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 11:14 AM
7

It's painful, but it's a good pain - it's ripping the band aid off type of pain. Overall situation is tragic, of course, failure of a project that lasted 26 years is a fucking catastrophe, but only once you abandon hopes of reconciliation you start to heal. You go through the pain of realization that the marriage is over. And that the person you had it with is... not very good a person, not anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 11:01 AM
1

It's a lie either way, right? Either you store it in the box or you store it at a friend, in both cases you present that there is no money, and in reality there is. And potential consequences are that if you slip, lies are uncovered and you get punished. So, I'm trying to understand why do you consider it more risky to hide it in the box and lie about the amount than at a friend (thus involving a third party) and lying about existence.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 09:40 AM
1

Nice, especially happy to hear about age averages. Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 09:34 AM
1

Well, duh. Of course it's not an indication of a healthy marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 09:32 AM
1

But there is no record of what's in the box. Is there? Just the fact that the box exists, right? At least it was like this back in my country of birth. The existence of the box was recorded, what you put in it and even when you access it - nobody knows.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 09:30 AM
1

Which will be split 50/50, right?
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 09:28 AM
1

Not dissipating. Spending on myself to have some fun, openly and transparently, same as she does. I do not have a moral problem spending it on gold and crypto, I have a moral problem with hiding the fact of said gold and crypto existence from my wife. It doesn’t matter, precisely because the end result is the same: in either case, your wife will be denied a split of these funds. No, the end result is not the same in terms of who I am.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 09:26 AM
1

Thanks! Tried it once, I get bored out of my mind. I am spoiled by eventfulness of videogames, I guess.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 09:24 AM
1

I also find gambling offensive to the mathematical part of my mind. I studied probability theory in a university, why would I do something that is a direct and predictable loss of money? Might as well burn it or better yet give it to charity, same "fun". The rest seems viable though, so - thanks to you both.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 09:20 AM
1

It's a consideration, yes. Right now I believe it would cost the kid more if we separate than if we stay together. But the balance moves slightly every day, that's why I think divorce is my (and his) future. Eventually it will become better for everyone to part ways.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 09:14 AM
1

There's also how quickly you can get up to the speed limit, how quickly you can take turns, how well you can brake. All of these things are limited by the traffic and the city, not the car's ability. Where I live, that is. Who cares if I can accelerate to blinding 30 km/h in half a second, and electric tin can needs full 3 seconds? Every car behind it will have to take 3 second. Every car in front of it will have to stop on the next traffic light anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 09:11 AM
1

Thanks! Conferences seem nice. There are quite a few about my IT field as well; although I can probably get my company to pay for those. I drive a 10 years old inexpensive car that has scratches on every side, wear averagely priced clothes of convenience (jeans, t-shirts, sneakers) and spend on haircut... like, the minimum in my area, 40 euro every month. It is all not because I lack resources to have a better car, better clothes or more expensive haircut, but because I really can't bring myself…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 09:05 AM
1

How do you see investing money in folks' perception of me or a network? I mean, I work in IT, I have something of a career, quite mediocre at that. It's mainly driven by what I do and what I say, and the results of my effort. I can't spend money to make it better - it's the other way around, I spend effort to make it better and it results in more money. As it stands, I don't have anyone who'd have my back. Best case - hired help, like a therapist or a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 08:53 AM
2

The best marketable skill to invest into, it would seem, is a language of a country I live in and recently became a citizen of. I'm already spending on that; don't seem to have many other slots time- and energy-wise.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 08:45 AM
1

Thanks! About "she has no idea", I really doubt that it will work out that way. She is smart. She will do research really quick. I know I would, so she will too.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 08:43 AM
1

Interesting. I can probably extrapolate this recommendation to "learn something useless, but fun" (useless for me, I mean; there is zero chance I will ever monetize piloting skills).
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 08:40 AM
6

First of all, ignore all the crap your ex said about you and all the names she calls you; her opinion of you is obviously bad, but that should not matter as she is not your wife anymore. Second, consider this: parents make choices what's important and what isn't. Divorced parents make these choices separately, not jointly. The mother of your daughter has as much right to prioritize Mexico trips as you prefer to spend on a car. And third... Does your daughter appreciate you spending on her car? D…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 08:39 AM
1

No, I am not. She has no interest in author's "fooling around", whatever that means (if not sex, by the way, what is it?) - and it's not a one-off thing, it's a common theme lately. Which means she consistently is not attracted to said fooling around with author, and it might be difficult to tolerate his unwanted fooling around.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 04:09 PM
2

I understand that. I am saying that OP may have overreacted to a situation. One frustrated conversation - both parties frustrated and annoyed, most likely, and I described to the best of my imagination why his wife might also be - is a bad reason to make sharp turns. Calling it unwanted advances is not a simplification and not a misnomer in this case. If it is an advance and the other party doesn't want it, it is what it is.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 04:07 PM
1

Understood, but can't we lie there? For example, 10k are stored, but I say it's 1000. Sounds within margins as dangerous as lying that I don't have cash.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 04:03 PM
1

I am not looking for a way to hide money; only to spend. Spending is fair game, hiding is lying; I don't want to start. Also don't have friends, for what it's worth.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:59 PM
1

Ah, I played it like 20 years ago. Maybe should pick it up; I hope not much has changed in its hundreds rules :) I am a little scared though, I'm 45, other players are probably young adults or teenagers. Has it got more expensive though? When I played it, with an investment of maybe couple hundred you could get a decent "last 6 sets" (then called, I think, type two tournament) deck.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:56 PM
3

Out of curiosity, what would be wrong with storing it in a deposit box?
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:48 PM
-3

I re-read the story and I still don't see where I'd be wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:47 PM
1

We have a shared account to pay for communal and kid-related expenses, and then each has their own accounts. For shared account each of us has a card, each has the rights to do anything; but it never has more than 6k. Salary goes to private accounts, then to savings and investment accounts that are generally inaccessible to the spouse. We have more than 20k in cash just lying around - Ukrainian war and the refugees having tens of thousands in banks, but no way to withdraw it, scared me (and my w…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:44 PM
0

Thanks! I actually left a good bit of pre-marital savings to my parents, I believe it angered my wife quite a lot. I also made a mistake of not consulting her on this decision and kind of informed her after it happened, so at least part of this anger is justified. Thanks for the ideas.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:35 PM
0

He never said sexual attraction. I may have misunderstood than. Idioms of a foreign language, you know. Here's what I was referring to from the OP-post: She said she's not interested in me intimately And I read the whole situation that OP described as he made _sexual_ advances ("fool around"), which were rejected; frustrated, he talked to his wife pushing for a more and more drastic rejection ("She said she's not interested in me intimately, which led me to getting her to admit that she doesn't …
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:30 PM
2

Thanks! I barely manage to force myself to exersice at home, 10 minutes a piece, to keep the weight a constant. The things you describe sound like something much stronger, in all senses, person would enjoy. I am a couch potato and a weak person. I've been here and there in Europe, hotel-beach-restaurant mode in a bunch of sea-side countries, more than 10 times in the US for work. I think I gave it a fair shot. No Antarctica or taming bears though :)
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:27 PM
2

I think you might be right. Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:19 PM
1

If she will make a choice to lie and cheat in court, I will do the same to the best of my ability - a fight is a fight. Until such probability becomes a reality, I'd prefer to play as fair as I am played with. Maybe even 3% more fair :). Fairer?
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:18 PM
1

Thanks! Never thought of that... not sure how to arrange it around my son's schedule, he's 5, he will not be interested yet. In any case, thanks for the new idea. That's why I ask strangers! :)
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:07 PM
2

Agree on buying stuff. Improving a gaming rig might be worth it, though, it depreciates in value quickly, same as clothes or even faster. Where I live, if failure to discose assets is ever discovered and proved in court, that... can be quite damaging. That's another reason not to build a stash - apart from my own moral objection to this course of action. Will I somehow lose the access to my bank accounts, if worse comes to worse?
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 03:02 PM
2

I have no friends, so strangers or a therapist are the only two options! Can't ask my wife for obvious reasons. If I ask my son, we'll have a tremendous investment in lego and toy cars :) Think she’ll get mad about it? She might. She is clever and her awareness level is better than mine; she is likely to recognize what is going on.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 02:53 PM
-25

You have to take into account the fact that it's very unpleasant to tolerate sexual advances from someone to whom one is not attracted. People mix up sexual attraction and love, and her declaration most likely is about the former, despite the fact she made it about the latter, possibly out of annoyance with your unwanted attempts to engange in sex. Why did you took offense? I mean, not having sexual drive and even not being attracted to you is not something your wife directly controls. And also …
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 02:40 PM
2

Thanks! Can't do laser tag, I don't have friends and generally hate people. The rest seems very viable.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 02:27 PM
1

Thanks! Even though I live in a very boar-friendly place, I wouldn't know what to do with it. Also, wouldn't that be big enough of a property to split in a divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 02:17 PM
5

She earns 100, I earn 100. She spends 50 on her fun, I spend 0. Now, we divorce and split the remainder, which is 150 - she gets 75, I get 75. As a result, she spent 50 and got 75, I spent 0 and god 75. She did better, I did worse. Multiply it by a year or two, and it becomes not a small amount. Joyless spending will not improve the situation, with that I very much agree. I need a fair way to convert money into fun :)
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 02:13 PM
1

Jail - highly unlikely that she will even consider it. Street - don't see how it is possible. Courts here are somewhat gender-blind. A parent with lower income will get 5 years of support - but we have the same income. A parent who takes care of kids will get child support - but I doubt she will want to have more than 50% of our son, can't afford that with a full-time job. The most contested question will be my savings that were made prior to the marriage, I expect.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 02:10 PM
2

Thanks! Interesting advise. Most of the things from this list are already in place: we have separate accounts (had through all the marriage), I exercise, talk to a therapist weekly and don't drink, there's plenty of evidence the kid spends half of the time with me and that I take half the expenses; also plenty of evidence of her working and earning (we have to file tax forms together to optimize taxation). I am not looking to hook up, tired of women. She is a good mother and loves our son, I don…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 02:05 PM
1

How is splitting a Ferrari better than splitting the cost of a Ferrari?
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 01:45 PM
1

The problem is, headphones for $80 generate precise, ideal sound - to the best of my ability to hear, anyway. For me any money spent on top of it will be spent on nothing; they add nothing to the quality of sound I hear. Home theater even reduces the quality of the result as compared to headphones - house acoustics, considerations for neighbors comfort, etc. And that's the problem with spending money for fun for me. Of course there are a lot of things that can be bought; I just have problems fin…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 01:44 PM
2

Speed limit where I live is 30 km/h; all the fun will be had by the auto dealership when they sell it. Also, any large purchase like a car is a subject to property split during a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 01:36 PM
1

Thanks! I am wrong, you are right. Improving unnecessary things might be fun! Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 01:33 PM
2

As in, Magic: the Gathering?
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 01:29 PM
1

I spent 2500 on it 3 or 4 years ago, runs everything I need smoothly. Also bought a switch to take with me on vacation. Generally, I've calcualted that I spend 2400 every 8-10 years on upgrading the setup; it's practically zero, included in "100 per month on hobby". I mostly play games with a delay of 5+ years, so that all the DLCs are out, all the bugs are fixed, price is nearing the "dirt cheap on sale" threshold. Best sound system I found is headphones. Have two sets - 85 and 240 euro respect…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 01:28 PM
1

And what is in front of me?
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 01:21 PM
1

I am not looking for a way to hide money, I find it morally objectionable. Spending on the other hand is fair and square.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 01:11 PM
2

Looking into cruises. So far I am puzzled as to what people actually do on a cruise ship. Swim in a swimming pool? Go to a restaurant? Why does one need to be on a ship for either?
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 01:07 PM
3

2 out of 3 are actually legal where I live :) Gambling feels incredibly stupid (I am not calling your advise stupid, just describe how I'd feel gambling). Why would I voluntarily play a game with a below zero mathematically expected win? Masturbation feel cleaner and easier than prostitutes; same mechanics, less effort, costs nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 01:06 PM
1

I am not looking for a way to hide the money; these are obvious. Withdraw, put in a box, hide the box. Easy.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 01:03 PM
1

I don't want to cheat and hide money in any form.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 01:00 PM
2

You are free, right? No kids, no sick parents to take care of, no ties. It's an ideal time to move to a place where you'd spend many years, possibly the rest of your life. Consider the following aspects: work (if you have to work) or business viability, economy and cost of living, language, peope, crime, immigration policy if you are moving to another country, ecology and viability for your future family should one day you decide to have it. Basically, if you are not in ideal place, move to idea…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 11:18 AM
2

Speak to a therapist. People postpone the necessary action because of these main reasons: they don't know what to do they fear the results the action they need to take is unpleasant Reduce the first by studying the law and the procedure - having a lawyer is one thing, being prepared yourself is another. Reduce the second by comparing the fallout of the divorce with the continuation of your marriage. And for the third, there is no solution - bite the bullet, reward yourself for every step, don't …
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 03:27 PM
7

I've actually failed the test you are passing now. My then wife cheated, I filed, a couple months in she asked for forgiveness, and I withdrew the request from the court. It was a mistake. All I won by making it is 2 tolerable years, after which I filed anyway, and that time I saw it through. As it turned out, she had another guy whom she fucked - and it wasn't even a reason for my divorce, just an extra incentive that I didn't need. So, generally speaking, if you need a motivation to keep going…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 03:15 PM
1

I don't know what I'm trying to tell you. I am genuinely curious why would you obey her. Even if you don't give two fucks about the house and want a peace of mind for a night or six, keep your keys, book hotel, have your peace. Why did you surrender keys at her request?
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:51 PM
1

Call things what they are, it's the first step to fix them. You were bullied into betraying your best interest.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:49 PM
3

Isn't it the same for us, only worse? That's why we get surprised quite more often.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:45 PM
1

If you are over 40, you know everything there is to know. Within the context of this group, I'd advise one thing: not to take your happiness as granted and as something permanent or even resilient. It breaks easily and quickly.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:41 PM
1

Yeah, I think I understand what you mean. Her changing of last name was beneficial to you. It's not the same as you don't care; you did care, as well as you should have. To be honest, I was kind of annoyed when my first wife decided to take my last name when we got married. It seemed like a waste of effort, and it proved to be.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:31 PM
1

She didn’t believe got my house keys and garage remote. How exactly did that happen? Women are rarely physically stronger than men. Why did you surrender your means of access to your own house? And told me to leave the house and that was the end of it. Is she also your boss, not just your wife? Otherwise I don't see how her telling you what to do is relevant. You are an adult. You do what you think is right, correct? Not what someone else tells you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:28 PM
2

If you plan to go to court, stop releasing information to your opponent. Good information, bad information, what you had for lunch - none beyond necessity. I'd recommend talking to therapist about why you sided with your ex against your family (telling her something you would not tell them). Sounds like some mental loose end. What is already recorded mostly cannot be fixed. It is what it is. Don't have to deal with her potentially blackmailing you before she presents demands. Don't have to deal …
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:22 PM
2

There are people who solve problems and people who create problems. While every single one of us technically does both, the net result is either above or below zero. If you belong to the first group, it is only fair if you try to have problem-solvers rather than problem-makers as friends, lovers and colleagues. You might choose, out of generosity, spend some of you surplus energy on those who can't keep up; but only the surplus and only because you like it. Or because they are your children.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:11 PM
4

Well, if you are in the US, tell her that you identify as a happily married man, and your pronoun is "his wife loves him". Other than that, don't you think you might overestimate how important your divorce is for other people? I mean, good percentage of marriages end up in divorce, 30-60% depending on where you live. A lot of men and women are divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:00 PM
2

Not really, no. Life generally gets harder and harder, until you can't sustain it anymore and die. At least everything is temporary.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 11:53 AM
1

I am not a prize. Life for any lady, including my ex-wife, has a certain probability to be better without me. But that is and should be irrelevant. Divorced man should focus on his life, not on his ex'. Whether her life becomes better or worse is irrelevant. Whether she'll see her mistakes or there are none to be seen is irrelevant.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 11:33 AM
4

How did it happen that she kicked you out of your house? Can you return and do the same to her? I mean, kicking out.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 11:19 AM
2

Marriage is an agreement on exactly the things you mention - alimony, property, children custody. Nothing else. Doesn't include "being faithful" or even "being nice" clause.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 09:40 AM
1

You say you didn't give a shit, and then proceed to explain how and why it is important for you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 09:37 AM
1

Hearty talk is nice, but what kind of agreements did you reach?
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 09:35 AM
1

When the right man comes along she will want kids. How do you know? I mean, 14% women get past fertility age without kids. She might be one of those. You two are simply not compatible. It's quite possible to be compatible with someone, but still want different things.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 09:33 AM
1

If you want to keep it, it's worth making an effort, especially if you have 2 kids. Don't give up; if she really wanted a divorce, she'd file and that would have been it. While she talks the talk and doesn't walk the walk, there are chances, slim as they might be. Don't lose you dignity though. Do nothing a self-respectful person wouldn't :)
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 09:59 AM
1

Then I'd consider it a declaration that things are not going to restore.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 09:51 AM
1

Why do you even care? Sounds like a possibly stupid but also completely harmless action of a person who is not in your future anymore. I mean, my first wife has also changed her last name back to what it was before marriage after we divorced; I couldn't care less, as long as she would get the fuck out of my life.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 09:50 AM
8

She sounds like a very unhappy person looking for an exit, possibly a self-destructive one. I don't think she cheated on you to make a point. You made the right call, no telling how far it can go and how destructive it can become.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 09:46 AM
1

I understand what you are saying and I agree with pretty much all of it - time flies, there is only so much of it to make a choice or two, etc, etc. The thing is, I am not happy with what I have, but I don't think there is a better thing to be had. I don't have a good family, and I don't believe what I would consider a good family is even possible; or at least I don't see a path or even a direction towards it. Similar reason for marriage counseling. My family functional but isn't great, but ther…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 03:27 PM
1

Criteria for me leaving are these: I will leave if (or rather, as soon as) it becomes as uncomfortable as living in separate houses, or as expensive. I do not have to put up with disrespect. She respects me, I respect her; we just don't particularly like each other, it's a different thing. I am sure, for what it is worth, she doesn't have a boyfriend. She respects _herself_ enough and she is self-sustainable enough to file for a divorce - she is basically in the same situation as I am, with more…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 01:09 PM
2

Depends a bit on your situation. Generally, there is a necessity of grieving, which mostly goes by itself, you have to alot time for it and not try to block it, and it'll pass. Then - all kinds of "mental parasites". Feeling betrayed. Feeling you were lied to. Feeling you have been treated unfairly, subjected to injustice. Feeling you have betrayed, lied and treated someone unfairly. Etc, etc. All these may require specific resolution to stop bothering you.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 10:50 AM
1

My point is not that one of you must lose. There are many win-win games; and even parting ways may turn out to be a win both for you and for her. My point is that if she doesn't want to be with you, you've already lost everything there is to lose. You should not consider keeping a wife that doesn't love you anymore a win.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 08:30 AM
2

That sounds nice. Your situation is different though, you guys are friends. In comparison, we are just colleagues.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 07:59 AM
5

It is hard to live with a person that doesn't want to live with you. They get abrasive pretty quickly. If you don't want to live with them, it's even harder because you'd get angry too; become irritated with every little thing. Of course when it ends, certain happiness or even celebration is in order. Also, ideally by the time you divorce, opinions of your ex about you should stop having any weight. You ex thinks little of you, your ex thinks you are garbage and should be treated as such, your e…
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 01:35 PM
12

What's the big deal though? You are no longer married. Makes sense that you are looking for other options, on a dating app or elsewhere. Makes sense that she does the same, on a dating app or elsewhere. Divorce is the answer to whether or not she wants you in her life; that's a negative.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 11:02 AM
1

Interesting. We are in a European country, but I can't actually tell you how it is here - not that familiar with a law. Would be wise to seek a legal advice, it would seem.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 08:50 AM
-1

She actually accumulated more of a wealth in the last year than I have. I actually went down a bit, good chunk of my accumulated wealth was in stock options of a company that lost 1/3 of its value. She went up. So if anything, I stayed with her for the money :) Where I live, alimony is only awarded if one of the spouses can't support themselves or has significantly smaller income; and it's capped at 5 years. I don't think it's a huge risk. Actually, it's a risk for her too, and even bigger one a…
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 08:47 AM
1

If I understand what "open marriage" means (English isn't my first language), it's bascially a partnership in which man and woman are allowed to have sex outside the partnership. Neither of us seem to do that. She is not pursuing men, I do not pursue women; I can't predict precisely what would happen if any of us tried. Thanks for the advice, I agree I need to prepare. I need to seek a legal advice even if the actual divorce is years from now - we are both immigrants, recently got citizenship of…
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 08:42 AM
-1

I am not sure I'll win any sanity by parting ways. I'll have to rent or buy a full apartment of my own, and she'll have to do the same. It'll be quite expensive for each of us - so, for me as well. Then this apartment will have to be within minutes reach of our son's school and daycare. I will not get to see my son half of the time; and he will have access to one parent instead of two 100% of the time. All in all, there is some cost to being alone. And, it would seem, not a lot of benefit. What …
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 08:34 AM
1

So, you never invited a lady in a restaurant or movies, and paid for her? I commend your restraint.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 08:29 AM
1

Did you guys use the formula "till death do us part"? Stupid as it is, technically that's a promise which makes any reason to leave a poor one.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 08:24 AM
2

You seem to be overwhelmed.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 06:59 PM
2

She doesn't seem to be interested in sex in general; although I wonder if she might reconsider, if I free her from whatever implicit obligations to be faithful she might consider hers. As for myself, this won't benefit me. I am interested in sex in principle, but the effort it takes to acquire this vastly overpriced form of entertainment... I find expending it somewhat humiliating and definitely not worth the result.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 06:56 PM
1

But we earn the same. What is already lost is lost, but as long as we earn the same, neither I nor my wife add to it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 06:48 PM
2

It is also relatively easy and not too useful for the receiving party, if you are unhappy for someone's benefit. I mean, what good is a wife if a husband makes her unhappy. Her filing for a divorce might actually benefit him as well. Being happy for someone is much better - and way more difficult to pull.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 06:47 PM
2

Well, most likely at some point you'll be presented with a choice: marry her or make her, the woman you love, very unhappy. When they threaten to leave, the choice is easy. When they are willing to stay despite you not proposing, it's much harder.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 04:02 PM
3

Twice. In the second marriage now. There is a point to marriage: it's an agreement on what to do with your belongings when you part ways, one of you dies or you have kids. As for commitment... People are barely capable to plan next week. Their words that they commit to something for the rest of their lives mean nothing - best case, it's a declaration of intent.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 03:59 PM
2

I'd also mention the decision power. The parent who lives with the child calls all the shots. The one who doesn't is, in the best case scenario, consulted with.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 03:31 PM
2

I may miss some key understanding, please forgive me if that's the case, but I still don't see a reason to be particularly worried. We have an apartment, for which both of us paid in approximately equal amounts (we still owe EUR 350k to the bank), a 10 years old car which costs peanuts. We have savings and pensions, mine are slightly less. Some stock options and stocks, mine are slightly larger. Generally, if we add up all of it and split equally, it'll be slightly in her favor, but only slightl…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 03:28 PM
2

Nothing particularly bad. There seem to be very little expectations on both sides and from both sides; as such, no reasons to fight. Sometimes she is irritated by me forgetting the dishes. Sometimes I'm irritated by her forgetting to feed the cats. Small things, nothing to lose sleep over.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 02:46 PM
1

We (almost) don't have sex for well over 5 years. Tried once, none of us was particularly happy with the experience. I also don't want to fuck my roommate, to be honest, it's not just her. So, no point to fear something that's already happened 5 years ago. My wife and I work the same hours, she has slightly better marked viability, but my position is somewhat higher; as a result, we earn approximately the same amount. To the extent by which I can predict, we'll remain in balanced in terms of ear…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 02:16 PM
2

the woman now, which i dated both her and my ex in college, was way more my type. I have something of a similar thing actually. My current marriage is the second one; my current wife fits my lifestyle and value system much better than my first did. Still didn't work. I am not saying it will not work for you, of course, but be wary of hormones! Every time I started something with a woman, I thought that's a good idea - mostly because my own reproductive systems clouded my reasoning :).
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 01:57 PM
7

While I don't know your situation, the caveat in similar statements is as follows: by taking too much of a responsibility, you allow yourself the comfort of control. If you were better, the marriage might have held. But another possibility is that even if you were better, it would still go downhill, because not everything in your life depends on your good behavior. I believe you in that your shortcoming have contributed to the failure you are facing. But the choice she made is still hers, right?
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 01:48 PM
7

If you intend to take 50% of parenting duty, your plan will not work. If you intend to take a lot less, why not. Visit every now and again, have him visit you, send a card, have a videochat. In the meantime, his mother will cook him dinner, pick him from school, get him to a swimming lesson and do everything that matters.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 01:35 PM
6

Why on earth would you think that the excitement of sex is the singilar driving force? I mean, it might be, but sex in general holds less of an importance for women than it does for men, that's why we pay for it and they don't. There are tons of reasons to leave a man. He's drinking. He's an ass. He cheated. He is lazy. He is cruel to kids and animals. 100 other things that can bring people apart.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 01:32 PM
2

I don't see how a divorce would be a stepping stop towards happiness. Nothing's stopping me from being happy now. If I want to learn to play a piano, I can - in the time left after my job and my parenting responsibilities; and these will not change should I divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 01:22 PM
1

why would you be lacking skills if alone? Ooops! I meant I will not be lacking. Missed a word, sorry. women do seem to be willing to just trash everything if they are the slightest bit unhappy "Women bad" is not at all my reason for a disappoinment. Women are as good as men, in some aspects slightly better, in some aspects slightly worse, but on a principal level - the same. I believe there is no way to build a family that is worth building. "Love" and "companionship" and all this are hormone-in…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 01:20 PM
1

That's a lot of questions! I don't think I want to be attracted to her. Without reciprocal attraction it'll just be frustrating. Also, I don't think it's possible to become attracted to someone by the force of will. I can remember having a passionate relationship, don't need to imagine it - we had it, we lost it. I'm not sure it's worth it in the end. I mean, it's all a little bit of flash and sparks and pleasant delusions, but eventually the reality will surface. I am sure my wife considers a d…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 01:13 PM
2

I find it difficult to trace how what you wrote is related to the message you reply.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 12:53 PM
-2

I guess I have not reached this level of maturity yet, so I believe in economic behavior. People overcome difficulties when the reward is high enough. People avoid difficulties if they can get the same reward with less trouble. The idea that somehow overcoming difficulties contributes to growth looks very questionable to me. Why would it? I mean, it would be nice if that was true, but from what I see, it's not happening more often than it does. If as an employee your job forces you to overtime, …
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 12:50 PM
2

Thanks, that's kind of my current mode of operations as well, and it's good to know it looks the same from the outside. It's not too bad, so I keep it, if for nothing else than for convenience of parenting; but I'm ready it'll become a divorce one day without my consent or much of a warning.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 12:42 PM
2

We lived together for ~10 year, 8 of them officially married. Our contributions are very symmetrical: we both work fulltime with equal income, we both cook, we both clean when the cleaning lady is out. We already share the time with our son 50/50, and neither of us shies away from any duty. I'll be lacking skills if left alone; same applies to her. My disappointment is in women in general; or rather, in perspectives of any relationships in the course of 10 years. I feel it's an investment that w…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 12:38 PM
2

Fair enough. Do you accept the right of your ex-wife to view marriage differently as well?
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 09:17 AM
6

Of course if you are the one being left, any reason is a poor reason. But consider this: other people, including the ones married to you, owe you nothing by default. You bore them? They may choose to leave. You are tough to be with? They may choose to leave. There is better option? They may choose to leave. Your definition of love is yours, not universal. Your expectations from your partner are yours, not universal. Your model of family is not the right one, just the one you'd prefer.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 08:51 AM
1

You will fight what? Her free will? That's not love, that's as selfish as it gets.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 08:42 AM
1

It would help you to unsubscribe from this "love of my life" nonsense. You love her, that's fair; but there is no such thing as love of one's life, divorce statistics should tell you that. Also, generally it's not advisable to fight a battle against another's free will - if you'd win, it's worse than losing. You have a right to have kids, you have a right to want kids. But you can't force your "I want to" on others. She has the same right to want to be childless.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 08:41 AM
0

Does he have a broken relationship though?
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 01:47 PM
1

I just don’t know what to do. The choice seem to be exceptionally simple: you either stay with her and be childless, or you leave her and pursue a family with someone else. It's not an easy choice, of course, and nobody will make it for you, but generally these two options are all you have. Luckily, 35 for men is not the same as 35 for women, you are many years of fertility left. As for unfairness for your future lover, I'd recommend not worrying about it right now - at all. You can't be unfair …
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 01:45 PM
2

"change? Therapy? Work?" So basically you ask for forgiveness and in exchange you offer to try and make an effort, no guarantees. "Everybody makes mistakes" - downplaying it will definitely make her reconsider (not). "but I pray God softens her heart for me again to be able to at leastttt" - yeah, why is it so difficult for him to change other humans for your convenience.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 11:17 AM
1

From fantasy books, of course. Where else?
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 11:12 AM
1

If you need a dependant, get a pet, don't get a human being.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 11:05 AM
1

Why do you not fight for what's yours?
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 11:01 AM
14

Why does she have to be better? Can't we learn to play it? There must be a coursera for that. A wise man on this sub recommended having anal sex at least one, as a contingency plan. Shame, guilt, whatever she throws at you, you f'ed her in the a.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 03:06 PM
2

You are asking strangers to assess the danger to your kid based on 5 words you quoted out of context. Is it really going to help? In any case, these phrases do not indicate danger. Doesn't mean there isn't danger, just those are not the indicators.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 02:23 PM
4

It's kind of hard to see what exactly do you propose to give to have your family back. You say "anything", but what exactly? All you talk about in your post is how your action was relatively minor and how her reaction was out of proportion and made you suffer.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 11:58 AM
8

I think you have to be realistic. "50% but I need to travel whenever work requires" is significantly less than 50% - because for you to be able to travel anytime, the mother of your children has to keep her schedule open to take care of them whenever you travel. So, maybe if you consider this difference, you can figure out a way to compensate for it fairly - and then chances to go to court over custody should become somewhat lower.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 11:40 AM
23

If she makes more, you're a deadbeat and a loser. If she makes less, she's dependant and you're abusing your power, one way or another. Kids connect with you? You are stealing them or spoiling them, possibly both. Kids don't connect with you? Failed at parenting. When a woman is hungry, tired or has any other good reason to hate you, she'll find an explanation.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 11:27 AM
14

Divorce consists has some high-stakes zero-sum games - splitting kids, property, blame. Playing such games, especially with high stakes, makes people enemies. That's the first reason. Second - as soon as divorce is inevitable, there is very little reason to care about other's feelings, to be polite and constructive, etc, etc. A divorcing person can let their anger or frustration speak - with seemingly zero consequences, since divorce is happening either way. It applies to both men and women.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 11:18 AM
2

Illusions breed disappointment. Getting rid of imaginary friends is a part of growing up and is constructive.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 10:13 AM
1

Why not file today? You'll save half of the money you are going to earn in the next 1-3 years. Technically you can withdraw from your accounts and reasonably pretend you spend it on groceries while instead stashing it somewhere in cash, but if it's less than half of a difference between your and her income, you are still losing money. If you make an extra 3000 per month, and you withdraw and hide 1000 per month, you are still losing 500 every month.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 09:03 AM
0

I like how confident you are about God's likes or hates. I mean, since it's an imaginary friend, you can add any properties you like, he can even specifically hate your wife; but on the other hand thinking that the Creator of the Universe has a strong opinion on a matter of your divorce looks... exceptionally shallow.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 08:55 AM
1

I of course know nothing about you, other than what you chose to share - and on top of it, my abilities of interpretation might be lacking. That said, I'd still recommend re-evaluating the consequences of you defying her. Based on what you say, I believe there are almost none. She can't divorce you twice. She can't think less of you than she already does. You shouldn't care as much as you do.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 08:41 AM
2

A private detective? If it's legal where you live, of course.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 02:51 PM
1

A year after, maybe year and a half. But I was the one who initiated the divorce, so I needed time to become interested in women again. I imagine if you are the one being left and the ex is behaving badly (so you can get disenchanted quicker), it can be faster.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 10:11 AM
3

I found some self-respect and confidence that I can do without women, so I somewhat lost the need to be tolerant. Other than that, I think became more tolerant to lower grades of bullshit. I've seen the extent to which it could go, so minor infarctions were "I'll just let it slide".
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 10:08 AM
1

I agree with your advice though - from a different theoretical basis, we come to the same actionable conclusion. There is zero point answering gaslighting accusations.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 10:05 AM
2

Of course it's a very useful term to play victim, the most popular game in the US if I can judge by reddit. "Oh, I'm emotional abuse victim, I was gaslit, ghosted, withheld from and disagreed with, I also suffer from depression, anxiety, adhd, autistic spectrum and I am working on 3 more diagnoses; and am on 10 different medications".
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 09:49 AM
2

Oh for god's sake. I was making a joke. Gaslighting is a bullshit term to begin with. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. You know the light is bright and someone is telling you it's not? It's not an abuse, it's just them being wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 09:29 AM
1

You are gaslighting his wife through him. Transitive gaslighting.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 09:20 AM
1

I am married for a second time, which is not going too well. After a divorce, I thought that it's her, not me - and trying with a different lady will help. Never once in my life received an accusation in gaslighting. Also, feel free to think and express what you want to think and express. You don't need a permission. But also, allow her to do her own interpretation. She thinks it's gaslighting? Fine. Don't argue it's not. She has a right to think it is.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 09:19 AM
1

Out of generosity towards his current and future sex partners?
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 09:14 AM
3

Your buddy is a wise one!
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 09:13 AM
11

Looks like you have divorced, but you still jump to do her bidding whenever she whistles. You can't say no because you are weak and scared, and most likely it shows up as needing an approval of your ex and her peer group. If she wants to say she is an abuse victim, she can do so today, without your consent. I recommend completing your divorce - not on paper, but in your head. You don't need to bend at all; you might, but because of generosity, not because of fear.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 09:10 AM
2

Yes, it is a bad idea. Good idea about what happened 9 years ago is to put it in a box with "it doesn't matter anymore" label. If you knew she had sex, what is the level of details you'd need for closure? List of positions? Duration? Number of frictions? Full video? Don't go there, you know all there is to be known - she cheated 9 years ago.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 09:00 AM
3

Contact with your daughter is more important than whatever you feel over your ex being faster to adapt. I mean, you already know everything there is to know. She is with another man, they live together and have sex, you know that already and you must accept it. Seeing them and talking politely will change nothing for you. You don't have to avoid looking at them. Look all you have to, smile even.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 08:57 AM
2

In Outlook it's Files -> Manage Rules & Alerts -> New Rule -> Start from Blank on messages that arrive -> from specific people & with these words in message body -> reply using a specific template & mark it as read & stop processing rules.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 08:48 AM
4

I mean, the answer depends on what you've actually done. Whether you own it or not, there are things that should not be forgiven. Also, it's time to stop paying.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 08:39 AM
4

If your marriage is unacceptable and you know it's not going to improve, it's time to quit. Everything else is sunk cost fallacy. The level of what people are willing to accept is different, of course.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 08:59 AM
7

Is it even allowed where you live to install cameras without the consent of the observed? I mean, where I live, you have to get everyone's consent to record a work meeting where nothing private happens. If she doesn't want to be under surveillance at her home, she has the right not to be. Also, if she sends cops and you set up cameras, it's past time you filed for a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 08:56 AM
0

Yeah, very nice quote. Men abandoning their kids are unheard of. Never happens.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 01:03 PM
2

Impressive story, and I am especially impressed by your resilience. I'd probably not survive if I faced a quarter of what you have already faced.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 11:29 AM
2

The easiest fixes seem to be the price for therapy and the doomscrolling. Nowadays everything is online; which means you don't need to pay $250 to go to some office. Find a therapist in a cheaper location who still speaks your language, it'll be in the range of $50-$100. If you have to mindlessly scroll because you don't have energy for anything else, focus on funny cats videos or the intellectual equivalent of those of your choice. Depression moves our focus to dark stuff, and dark stuff streng…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 09:00 AM
4

That's one frighteningly realistic advice.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 08:21 AM
2

You owe yourself more than you owe her. By being there for her, you are not there for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 11:10 AM
4

Can't you file for divorce in your country of citizenship? If the laws are more favorable there, that is. I don't know how it is in the US, but most European countries allow to file for a divorce either where you reside or in a country of your citizenship.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 10:01 AM
6

Sounds like you have a reasonably good chance. Apologize for what you've done, ask for forgiveness but don't insist on it, express interest in restoration and readiness to compensate. That's not a guarantee she'll love you, of course. And, of course, never drink again.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 09:55 AM
1

To make sure your daughter doesn't share the information she has every right to share, I recommend locking her in the basement - under the 24/7 supervision of a psychiatrist and a police officer. I recommend confiscating her phones (which you've already started, even though it's not within your rights), but go for clothes as well, the other parent might have planted something there. Your precious privacy outweights her right to keep a gift of course. Locking her away will also prevent unwanted c…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 09:44 AM
4

I had this dreams for about 2 years after the (first) divorce. Some dreams in which I was still not divorced, still in the process - extra cortisol on waking up. And then dophamine, realizing it's just a dream and I'm actually free.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 09:31 AM
3

Why on earth would you keep going like that? "Love" is vastly insufficient reason, even if you are a firm believer in a romanticized version of procreation strategies. You are responsible for your happiness and your life. You are responsible for not living with an alcoholic, for managing your finances in a sensible way that doesn't include 4 cats if you don't want them. You are not responsible for every sick person you happened to have sex with. You are not her parent to guide her out of a hole …
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 09:28 AM
5

If you have kids, you owe them to try and reconcile stuff with your wife. If you have a lot of mutual investment, like a house or a business, you owe it to yourself. If you have neither, staying in an unhappy relationship, whether registered with the state and imaginary friends of choice or not, is a form of self-betrayal. You stay - you don't have kids that you want. You don't become a dad you want to become. You are renting. You'll be with a woman who doesn't want you (and, don't fool yourself…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 10:55 AM
3

I'd say yes, a year's worth of income is worth fighting for. Even if you are relatively young and have time to rebuild your wealth. Consider this: it takes you 1 full year of working on your job, with all the strain that comes from it, to earn that much. Assuming 40 hours work week with 4 weeks vacation, you spend 2000 hours to earn 200k. Do you expect to spend 2000 hours on this particular fight? If not, then fighting your ex is a better paying job than your actual job. If it's only half the ef…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 10:39 AM
5

The fact that it feels like a gut punch means you only perceived the hope as tiny, and it wasn't. As an example: when you go to an interview and know you chances of success are slim, you are not devastated by a rejection; it was to be expected. If you knew you divorce was final, you wouldn't be surprised you ex found someone else (people usually don't stay alone) and you wouldn't be surprised she wants to introduce her significant other (or a candidate thereof) to her kids. Which are incidentall…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 02:01 PM
3

The psychological process of separating yourself from your ex starts when you recognize that the divorce has happened and it is final. When you know the marriage is dead, the family is no more. You have just realized it now. So now you'll have to go through the process - you know, denial is probably passed, the edited part of you post either describes bargaining, which would be good, but most likely it's begging, which is a form of denial and then anger and bargaining are yet to surface. Then yo…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 01:28 PM
1

Why do you keep spoiling her? The usual consequence of not having a job is not having money. Why do you actively work on keeping this consequence away from her?
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 01:19 PM
2

Minimally necessary response is the best policy. She might actually seek attention; not getting any (or the minimal amount) will tire her the quickest.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 01:02 PM
2

Generally, first it becomes worse, than it become better. Then it's a very different thing depending on a situation. If you caught her having sex with a gardener, it's one thing. If she is divorcing you because you can't quit drinking - another. If you just can't agree on who takes out the trash can - a different dynamic again. Also, there is no "we" in a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 12:22 PM
3

Are you asking how to change another person? The usual answer is "you can't". If reality is on your side, let her bump her head against the wall all she wants. Maybe this behavior is rational. She might not win the kids, and she doesn't try to - she tries to make your life difficult, in which she does succeed so far.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 12:03 PM
2

"Amicable" in the context of a divorce means you guys managed reach an agreement on improtrant topics - how to split your stuff and kids. Also, in some countries written electronic communication is actionable in court, so consider that she might want to have a written trail for whatever this financial transaction was.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 11:58 AM
1

I miss a lot of details there, of course, but it doesn't sound like she is wrecking anything in particular, if I understand correctly. She wants to work, which every adult person should want. She wants her parent's house to remain her parents, which is also a rational pursuit of one's own interest. That said, you of course are in the clear not to help with a renovation of a house in which you have no equity. Living with her parents in their house rent-free doesn't sound too bad. If you want to i…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 11:32 AM
1

Was there actually domestic violence?
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 03:56 PM
1

Isn't that the goal of the divorce? To become strangers. At least for the initiator.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 03:39 PM
1

If she is soon to become ex, you should increase the distance, not decrease it. So, moving to another room is a correct (or rather, good for you) move. Why are you discussing feelings with her? It's a way to reduce the distance, to approach, to become closer. Not something you should be doing with a person you plan to leave. Other than that, whatever people say about their feelings towards you is mostly self-ad campaign, so take it for what it is. For an ex, it doesn't matter what she feels as l…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 03:37 PM
3

Self interest is a broad thing. If you love your kids, your interest will include their well-being. Men entering the divorce are upset when suddenly the woman who included their well-being into her interest stopped doing so.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 03:09 PM
1

She managed to do all that in a month? Lie, request alimony, child support, custody. Sounds like at least 3 months worth of work. One energetic woman. But generally, the worse she is behaving, the less regrets you will have - and the more she will have. If she goes down to indiscriminate sex, it's not so great for your kids, but generally good for you. Because my wife pulled this during our divorce, I had full conviction I'm doing the right thing. Never once I worried that I have made a mistake.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 01:14 PM
4

Not giving a fuck about anyone but yourself, or rather, pursuing your interest relentlessly, is a good strategy during the divorce. You should not be pissed, you should adopt this strategy too.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 12:08 PM
1

Grieving is a process that can't be rushed, but it's finite. You'll get through, everyone does.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 09:39 AM
10

After the divorce becomes a certainty, not a possibility, bad things happen from psychological standpoint. There is no common future anymore, and thus no reason behave, no reason to care and no reason to tread lightly. Plus the situation forces both of you to play a zero-sum game. Anger, frustration, spite, blaming - everything comes out. No reason to care not to hurt the other party. No reason to not blame them. No reason not to unleash your anger on them. So, be prepared to being on the receiv…
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 09:16 AM
1

Why on Earth would you get upset if somebody fucked that woman? It's their loss, not yours.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 09:08 AM
5

Oh, I figured out you meant you are dreading hearing somebody fucked your wife. In my case it wasn't that hard or impressive. I was already very much divorcing her, and you can only divorce a person once; adding an extra reason did not change my strategy a single bit.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 04:41 PM
2

How you'd react to the fact that you aren't the first and possibly not the last?
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 02:56 PM
5

They care same as we do; withholding this information would be lying - by omission, but lying nevertheless. Also, if you are in the middle of a divorce turmoil, talk to a paid professional or a friend. Another woman is the last thing you need.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 01:49 PM
12

She started dating way before the divorce. During the divorce, her boyfriend (or whatever his status was) showed up to threaten me and to tell me he fucked my wife - to which I responded he hasn't been the first and is unlikely to be the last.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 01:45 PM
1

It's been 17 days. Did you manage to stop helping? How much work have you done in her parents' house?
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 01:43 PM
1

If you want to waste your energy on trying to educate them, that's your right too, of course.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 01:38 PM
1

As I wrote, no time machines. So, don't ask her to create one for you - accept your losses.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 08:59 AM
1

About the threat, I meant willingness to make it and to follow through. Do this again and I'll divorce you. If people know you will actually do that, it makes them consider the possibility before doing something again. If the threat is implied, they'll consider consider it even when they act the first time. If you are reliable as a doormat and about as dangerous, there is no reason to respect you. Respect from the surrounding people is not needed to win anyone over, it's to win yourself over. So…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 08:58 AM
1

Aren't you carrying this cost anyway? I assume based on what you wrote that you are using you wife as a caretaker. Doesn't she cost about the same if she doesn't work? I mean, half of everything you earn becomes hers. If you earn more than 5000 per month, you are losing as compared to daycare. Basically, someone has to care for your kid while you work. Regardless of whether you are married. No?
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 08:53 AM
1

People respect strength, power. Not physical strength, a general ability to bend reality to your will. Being you best doesn't create respect. If you are useful but spineless, you will be used but not respected. Although being able to withdraw your usefulness is some level of strength, but not too big if you are perceived as someone unwilling to act on a threat. Don't try to win a lady over her parents or her kids. She can divorce you, she can't divorce them. Same applies, by the way, if you swap…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 12:30 PM
1

Consider who you are without this woman. People get lost and forget themselves in a marriage and especially in a divorce. You need to remember. When you remember who you are, you'll automatically know what to do. If you've been unfair to her, try to compensate or at least apologize. If you are the subject of her being unfair, write off this debt. You don't to forgive, just settle so that it doesn't waste your energy. When you've healed enough, consider your marriage from a distance, take your pa…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 12:09 PM
1

Not to say your advice is bad, but for a different group of people, perhaps a less penis-centric one, I'd advise the opposite. Take a vacation from women, don't jump into whatever interaction with them. Especially don't try to masturbate with their help. Allow yourself to heal and only then play with them again, should you still want to do so.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 12:04 PM
1

Basically, either kids spend a lot of time with you, then you have to pay for a larger apartment, but you can afford it because you don't pay child support. Or they spend little time with you. Then you're okay in a smaller apartment, and you'll save on rent and spend on child support.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 11:06 AM
3

I'd recommend not spending on engagement ring in the first place - to avoid this question altogether. You need a symbol? Buy a symbol, not a carbon crystal embedded in a transition metal that costs like a small apartment. But what's done is done, of course, no time machines. Personally I'd think it's petty to ask to return a gift, whatever it is.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 10:58 AM
1

Well, when I was a kid we were friends with this one family of father, mother, grandmother, 2 kids and a dog. They lived in an apartment that consisted of 1 room (not 1 bedroom, just one room) and a kitchen with a total area of 33 sq meters. Such were the wonders of "free" apartments in late Soviet Union :). So, it's definitely possible to survive in 1 bedroom; just a question of what level of invonvenience you are prepared to tolerate. What percentage of time will the kids spend with you? If it…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 10:52 AM
2

It has to get worse before it'll start getting better. You seem to be planting the right seeds.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 10:47 AM
2

Same here. I have two reasons to stay with my wife: 4yo kid, who loves us both and whom we both love, and an extra EUR 2000-2500 to pay for a rented apartment should we split. And this is a full list of reasons for 3 years now.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 10:46 AM
13

I regret postponing my divorce for so long (and probably I am doing it again and will regret it). The moment you see it's bad and you are sure it is not going to improve, scrap it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 10:41 AM
2

Buy used stuff: toys, crib, bicycles, etc. Buy cheap clothes - not Nike sneakers, but noname whatever. Don't plan going to a shopping mall as a weekend activity, go to a free playground or a park instead. If your car is expensive, sell it, pay the loan, get a cheaper one - of course, if that's a possibility from financial standpoint. Rent smaller apartment, one person doesn't need 2 bedrooms; alternatively, have a roommate. Exercise at home or run in a park, gym is for the rich.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 10:32 AM
13

You assume he was staring into the abyss, but it's quite possible he was just ignoring her, thinking about summer Olympic games or hist next move in Zelda or whatever. My wife has been angry, disappointed, pissed for the past three years (mostly in a silent, distant and cold way), and I've learned to just tune out. Who cares why exactly she's unhappy about me now; I just go about my business. Of course, it's a little harder when one is being shouted at. Still, everyone is allowed to say whatever…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 10:25 AM
1

Where I live, it would become a communal property, as long as divorce isn't finalized.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 02:37 PM
1

You'd do better if you are less eager yourself. Whatever his reasons for procrastination are, just move on with your life without him. Meet people, read a book, have a vacation, work, exercise. You can consider yourself divorced even if you aren't. Don't buy a house though :)
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 10:54 AM
1

How is expecting him to following through on a divorce that he initiated is pushing him around? And taking the load of paperwork.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 10:52 AM
2

The "love of my life" statement is bullshit in 100% of the cases, regardless of gender and age, so you are safe to assume that's in you case it's also bullshit. He might like you. He might love you. These might be true, "love of his life" is definitely a lie. Personally, I really doubt there are obligations to a family once the kids have grown. They are adults, soon enough the will likely start their own families. But I mean, how does it help you? Even if 5000 men think there is no obligation in…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 09:55 AM
2

So, the intentional thing is creepy. Good that you didn't go and didn't send anyone, that would be significantly more creepy. Creepier?
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 10:42 AM
6

Nobody can ever do it all. Every parent is imperfect one way or another. And that's okay. It's an effort that counts. Are you doing your best? If yes, you are a good father.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 03:28 PM
5

It's hard because you think it's necessary (which it isn't). All you need is happiness on your own. It has a cumulative effect of making you more relaxed and thus more attractive, which allows better selection, and reducing your need, which allows slower, more considerate choice out of this selection.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 03:15 PM
1

Got it, thanks! I was curious as to where her mind was, was it "your labor is so cheap" or "the result is so unnecessary". Thanks for clarifying! I am sure she wasn't selling her labor at a discount, nobody does. Well, maybe depressed people do.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 03:03 PM
1

Whether the lawn had to be mowed is not what I asked. This answers the question whether the mowed lawn was valuable for you or in some general sense. But I am asking about her. She didn't value your effort, that I understand. Did she value the result? Would she suffer if you stopped and read a book and let the lawn overgrow?
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 02:05 PM
1

Beautiful!
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 02:00 PM
2

I am going on vacation soon with my wife, and I will validate or disprove this theory with some experiments. Although it will be a singular observation.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 01:59 PM
1

Oh yes, that sounds like a critical piece of information. Along the same lines, my wife has recently shared she can't live with me because she hates that I play videogames and suffers every moment I do it. It's been my vice before I met her, when I proposed, when we decided to buy a house together and have a kid.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 01:56 PM
2

But I mean, it's not a question of what you _could_ know. Walking on the street in any direction is within your rights. It might just so coincide that your direction is the same as that of another person. It's intention that counts. Were you following that person or were you going on your own business and happened to go the same way? That's the difference between stalking and coincidence. Similarly in your case. If you were looking through bank statements to locate a person that doesn't want to …
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 01:53 PM
4

If you accidentally stumbled upon that information, it's fine. It is somewhat out of bounds to look for people if you know they don't want to be found, yes.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 02:39 PM
4

Hypochondria is a common symptom of not having a job. Was that the case?
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 02:32 PM
2

Ah, another peculiar one. What ideas and beliefs and why did you feel you were entitled to this information? I mean, I have a lot of ideas and beliefs and some of those are probably unknown to my wife - not because of malicious intent, but because I can't make a readable mind dump. Some are probably unkown to even myself, before the question about them arises and I need to formulate them.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 02:19 PM
5

What is it with women and our relax time? My wife also visibly suffers any time I have fun or even just have some rest.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 02:14 PM
2

But was at least the result useful for her? Like, your contribution is valued at zero, but still it's nice to have a mowed yard. Or was it fine with her if it wasn't mowed?
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 02:13 PM
3

I am curious as to why it was a waste of time from her point of view. Didn't she want the yard mowed?
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 01:49 PM
9

After the divorce I realized I have a lot of time that I can use on whatever. Study, play, write, cry and masturbate, watch the ceiling, drink. Amazing feeling, you don't have to do all that that you start doing when you have a wife. Go see her parents. Watch a movie together that you'd never bother to watch alone. Shopping trips, etc. I don't miss having every horizontal space and every container at my home filled with useless crap, every shelf in the bathroom with small, large, medium bottles …
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 11:56 AM
3

Why do you need to know what's going on in her mind? You being not interested in spending time around her seems to be sufficient input to make a decision. Maybe she wants to hurt you. Maybe she wants to win you back. Maybe she wants to guilt you into something useful for her. Maybe she wants to seduce and reject you. Why should you bother to investigate? If your kids want you to join, check with them, ask them.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 02:26 PM
5

General recommendation for people with addictions is to remove all the triggers as much as possible. Don't spend to much time around the items that remind you of your love, it'll slightly improve the healing. It's enough to remove items from your sight, you don't have to burn them or throw them away. Don't keep a "happy together" photo on your work table, put it in the back of a storage room. This way, I still have naked photos of my first wife - it's curious to see how much my memory has change…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 01:04 PM
1

The reality is as it is. It's better to know the average value of marriage promises than to believe they are sacred. Then one can make an informed decision, rather than sign a serious contract based on fairy tales (and then suffer the consequences descibed abundantly on this sub).
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 11:16 AM
0

Did you manage to move away from her? I mean, even if it was an impulsive action, and even if women generally have a hard time strangling men, the next attempt might be more fruitful - with a knife, for example. Have you moved yourself out of danger's way?
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 02:41 PM
0

It doesn't have to be just one of you two who isn't thinking straight :) Generally, survival concerns should override anything else; possibility kidnapping comes close second; getting sex, hugs or having a household chores debt should not come into picture if these two are actually present.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 02:08 PM
1

One day "flip a switch" happens when you are blind and deaf, usually by choice, and there are all the signs of it in your post. "We had conflicts", "we tried to work", "we were able to look over and have fun", "we climbed". You don't see her, you don't hear her; you extrapolate yourself into "we", assuming she is in the same place as you. Which, apparently, she wasn't. Now you have to deal with the fact that this thing, her personal happiness, exists.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 12:42 PM
1

Nope. At least if you follow my advice about provoking an outburst. It'll prove she's a mean ahole you had to escape. That's how the winning score is tracked in this game.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 12:35 PM
1

Not sure I fully understand what you mean and can't vouch for others, but I'm definitely not a jewel that makes a single correct choice. I doubt my choice every day. As in, I choose to stay in my somewhat failed marriage for now. I am not at all sure it's correct, it's just the best I can think of (which might be not enough). Maybe I should be more resolute and divorce and everyone will eventually be happier. Maybe I am not doing enough to repair. Maybe I'm worrying too much. Definitely not a je…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 09:42 AM
2

Is she really a demon? I mean, I don't know your situation, but usually people, women included, just value their interests more than ours. Like, they do what's best for them, not what's best for us. It's not demonic, it's selfish and easy to understand.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 09:38 AM
-10

You must have grown up in a very successful, well-fed, 1st world country. Of course nothing is sacred. People kill, torture, leave others to die or starve, drown kittens and get away with horrible crimes. All of that is happening right now. God is dead, Nitzsche too. And you complain about relatively minor thing, marriage vows and such. Of course childish, statistically unlikely to be fulfilled promises are just that.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 09:35 AM
2

Why do you think it is attributable to the divorce, not just age?
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 09:31 AM
2

Are there specialists who give this sort of advice in your area? I mean, forums are good to get opinions, but you are not looking for an opinion. You need someone who understand the law and who will look into your situation and give you actual legal advice. In my country of residence the community of property is defined in such a way that it only includes the property acquired during marriage or partnership. If my wife would buy a car before we met, it would remain hers after we divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 09:29 AM
3

If the game can't be avoided, play to win. What can you do to destabilize her? Think "provoking some reaction that she'll regret".
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 09:23 AM
4

The criticality of the items you listed varies greatly. 1) She allegedly tried to kill you in a stupid and spur-of-the-moment, definitely not planned fashion. I mean, choking somebody isn't easy, a woman choking a man is almost an impossibility. Is she into martial arts? 2) She allegedly planned a murder (contradicts 1) and left easily recoverable notes (contradicts basic common sense) 3) She conspires to relocate your son (wouldn't be necessary if you are dead) 4) Doesn't let you have sex with …
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 09:21 AM
7

Mind games are difficult to avoid as long as she remains important to you and you remain important to her. Both players will feel the need to control the field and ensure their safety. Reduce importance. Have fewer things that depend on her good will - and you'll care less and less about what games she plays.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 09:02 AM
1

It's not possible to stir the pot when you are divorcing - the divorce is underway and you can't divorce twice. If they can kick you out anytime with a 30 days notice, then you are right, it's better to leave on your own when you are ready. Still, I recommend doing it because it's better for you, not because you are afraid to stir the pot.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 08:25 AM
5

You are going through a difficult period; stay strong and fight. For kids in the first place, but for yourself as well. Why did you wait for her permission to do stuff you think is right? She didn't wait for her permission and did what she thought was right; now she is happy with herself and you are frustrated. Why did you leave after the talk? It was a time to be with your kids. Be with them now unitl you leave, at least. Why are you leaving the house if you don't have to? You did an amazing jo…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 12:32 PM
3

You are not doing anything wrong, but neither does she. She doesn't seem to want a husband or a boyfriend. She is okay with you sticking around as her child's father, but you have to pay - and she doesn't want to become financially attached and let you own any equity in her house. Basically, she values her ability to kick you out more than your comfort. It's fair, but whether to stay with someone who offers these conditions is a good question. Honestly, I can't even imagine why did you decide to…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 09:28 AM
3

After I divorced, I dated a girl 11 years younger (I was 30); it was very clear to me in about 3 weeks that it's going nowhere. I told her that we will not end up in anything serious, but if she is willing to hang around and have some fun, so am I - for the time being. Then I met a girl whom I was more interested in (whom I then married and with whom I'll probably divorce :) ) and had to drop the rebound one. I think it was somewhat painful for her, but I had given her a fair warning so my consc…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 09:21 AM
4

Would you care to share a link or a name? I do enjoy such guides as a form of perverted art, the more idiotic, self-important and confident it is, the better. Also I must point out that she was trying to patch your relationship by tellling you what you can do different to make it better for her. "Here's what you have to do to win me back" type of patching.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 09:16 AM
1

Being married or in any other type of committed relationship is a huge part of who we are. When it breaks, it hurts, same as any other part of us hurts when it breaks. But as the time passes, the wound mostly heals and we can move on. That's the dynamic anyone can expect in a divorce; it'll get less painful eventually. Or less exhausting, irritating and frustrating, for the one who initiated it. Generally, getting out of the relationship puts us in an uncertain situation. Can we build a better t…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 08:33 AM
1

If you are more at peace sleeping separately, it's a lot. I did the same, and am still doing the same - as in, sleep in separate bed. My other point was, you don't have to choose between her and discomfort.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 03:39 PM
2

Millions of years of evolution have prepared us to a different fight. Discuss the situation with friendly listeners or strangers whom you don't value, exercise, learn to put your anxiety in a box during the work hours by promising yourself to unpack it later and let it live (the promise must be fulfilled or it'll stop working). Personally I drank quite a bit of beer, it seemed to help, but I'm not sure I'd do it again.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 03:00 PM
2

Do what's most comfortable for you; ideally don't fight over it. Staying in the house has legal repercussions, staying in bed - doesn't. A single bed from IKEA with all the stuff to sleep on is EUR 400 and takes 2 square meters.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 02:46 PM
5

If anything, I am not arguing against optimism. You should look forward to your life becoming better. But it's not "you will win a million" type of better, it's "you will stop bleeding" type of better. Apologies if my thoughts are difficult to read, English isn't my first.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 02:39 PM
2

I think your concern is valid. You might divorce and find out that the absence of fun and fulfillment had nothing to do with your wife. Unless there's violence or abuse, being married usually doesn't prevent anyone from having fun. I went through a divorce at 30 and had no social network to speak of, but I was never bored, always struggling to allocate enough time for sleep.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 02:32 PM
1

Does "agreed to separate" have legal implications where you live? I mean, legally you are still married, so she definitely has means to support herself - you.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 12:57 PM
7

While it's possible that the divorce will prove to be the right move for you, being euphoric or excited at this stage means you are feeding yourself some sort of illusion; it is an equivalent of sugar for food - satiates quickly, gives a boost to mood and energy, improves thinking; but it's all very temporary and in general sugar isn't good for you. Generally, divorce means you have failed to build a family and now are cutting your losses. It might be a rational step, lesser of two or more evils…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 12:44 PM
1

Staying in a bad and hopeless relationship is only justified when you have kids - it's a parent's duty to consider and minimize the collateral damage. Since you don't have kids, a reasonable effort has to be made to repair what you have. If you have no reason to believe it'll improve, you are wasting your life, but also - consider this - you are wasting her life. Yes, split hurts. But it also opens the slot for something new, possibly better.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 10:51 AM
1

Yep, compatible with my observations. I am not sure I'd extend this statement it to secrets in general, but any man should be prepared things he considers to be deeply personal will be exposed. Passwords, credit card numbers and non-public information about company's performance - not so much; but sexual preferences - easily.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 10:28 AM
2

Yep, precisely what I meant. Thanks for understanding.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 03:22 PM
2

It looks like you are trying to interpret their attempts to move to an exclusive relationship (as early as conventient for them) as some sign of your importance for them. But it's the opposite.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 03:20 PM
1

Huh? Here's a quote: "My wife has been treating me the same way over the years!" If something has been happening for years, it's fair to assume it'll keep happening. Very easy to anticipate.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 03:09 PM
7

I am not sure what exactly you find reassuring or ego-boosting in this. They are bringing a requirement upfront. It is not a sign that you are valuable for them, quite the contrary. They are basically saying "promise to marry me, be in exclusive relationship with me, or fuck off". Them falling in love would be the opposite - them listening to what your requirements are, not presenting theirs.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 03:03 PM
3

Why would you agree to go on a cruise with someone who disrespects you? I mean, staying around for the sake of the kid - that I can understand. But cruise is optional for absolutely anyone. Visits to her parents, any communication with them is absolutely optional. Why were you doing it?
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 12:43 PM
1

Women talk about private things all the time. They'll discuss your performance in bed, your hygienic routine, your habits and your body. No amount of agreements and promises to keep such things private will force them to shut up - if they are together and drinking, they are mostly incapable of keeping the mouths shut.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 12:31 PM
3

You are too invested into her well-being for a guy who has been replaced. You shouldn't know the schedule of her boyfriend, parents. "Fuck off and wait" isn't good enough. It should be "it's not my problem, do whatever you want with it".
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 11:27 AM
1

I see a little bit of a contradiction in your position. You don't like when other people tell you what to do, so you start your conversation by telling them what to do (not give you advice). Thing is, everyone is entitled to give advice, pass judgement, think about you and your situation whatever they wish and share the results with whoever they wish. Free speech, right? But you don't have to listen. You don't have to follow. You don't have to answer or even pay attention. You are getting 25th "…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 11:02 AM
1

Delusion "this one is the right one" is a special case of delusion "the right one exists". There are no right ones. Working relationships require a decision of both parties to work on them. If one party decides not to, she'll become not the right one that instant. I lived together for 2 years with my first wife before marrying her, and almost 3 years with my second wife before we registered it officially; certainly wasn't a honeymoon phase.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 03:17 PM
2

Picking the right women is not the "best yet" strategy. Every participant of this forum thought they picked the right one. Men can't predict if a woman is the right one. We might think we can, but that's a mistake.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 01:56 PM
1

If the goal is not to allow someone to have power over you, definitely don't have kids. And generally don't have projects together with people. Common project, be it kids, marriage or anything else mean that they have certain power over you - the power to cancel their participation in the project and leave you with the consequences.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 01:53 PM
3

Reminders are in your head, not the hourse. If you move out, something else will be the trigger. Once you are past the painful "post-traumatic" flashbacks, you'll be fine even in your current house. I've lived in the same apartment after my first divorce. First I considered at least replacing a bed, but then decided what the hell, it's a comfortable bed. And in 3 years I couldn't care less. If anything, I was happy to live in the same place, only without a person that annoyed me and had her stuf…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 12:41 PM
1

"What I sell is expensive, what you offer in exchange is cheap". It's a concept of bargaining, not bullying.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 09:05 AM
1

The idea that she is too good for you does not constitute a symptom. I mean, she might be. If she is, it's a correct assessment; if she isn't, it's incorrect assessment.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 08:00 AM
1

You could benefit from recognizing your own agency. She does this and that, and then I feel this and that, instead of "she makes me feel". Nobody can make you feel anything. They can suggest, but not make you. Don't expect any mercy from a person you are divorcing, it'll make your future easier.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 07:49 AM
2

She means you won a prize (her), but you don't appreciate how lucky you are, and many other men would be happy to take your place. This statement has the same structure as an employer telling an employee that they are overpaid and can easily be replaced with more skilled candidate for cheaper. Same as this employer, she might be right, might be bluffing or might be mistaken. In any case, she says you don't value her enough, and threatens that someone else will.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 03:02 PM
2

Actions having consequences doesn't mean it's OP's responsibility or best interest to organize these consequences. Mostly, he'll be wasting time, effort and prolonging that situation that is better be left in the past. He'll be pouring the time of his life into an already failed investment.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 02:55 PM
1

Sad as it is, you'll have a lot of this going forward. When you divorce, the hope to do things together should be discarded as obsolete - painful as it is. Families bring bad news to the kids together. You are not together anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 02:21 PM
2

Do you read in OP's post that he is driven by social responsibility? If so, your example is on point.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 02:14 PM
1

Remedy would depend on the country, generally a lawyer can give the best advise. If you consult a lawyer, so might she, so don't assume you are smarter than everyone. In most countries you do not have to split all your assets, only ones acquired in marriage; so, you'll have lost 3 years worth of income. Any court will consider her contribution not to be zero, and for a good reason.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 02:12 PM
2

Take out your half, write her a message to take out her half, close the account. Or leave it open with just her half; the important step is to make sure your money are out of her reach, especially if it's a significant part of what you have. Whether she has a boyfriend, a pony or a change of heart is mostly irrelevant, unless your country's law considers such factors.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 12:53 PM
4

If it's difficult to think every day "today might be the day" and then to find out it's not, stop thinking that. Prepare yourself that it might take weeks. Prepare yourself that it might take months. Be ready that your wife will no answer anything at all and you will be force to spend another year or whatever it takes in the UK. Hope is your poison; but it's yours not to take. Meanwhile, you don't have to wait until someone pushes the button. I mean, you have to wait, but not as an active proces…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 12:46 PM
7

Revenge's target is in the past, as such it's mostly useless for your future. Let's imagine the best case scenario; you send an email, nobody suspects you, the doctor in question got fired, fined and put in jail; your (ex-)wife suffers whatever consequences you'd like to befall her. What do you get from it? If the answer is "satisfaction", it's basically nothing in a long run.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 10:06 AM
9

The fact that OP's wife might not care about her kids doesn't mean that OP doesn't care about his kids - and, by extent, about financial viability of their mother.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 09:30 AM
3

I have no legal answer, but if I may I'd like to submit a psychological consideration. Figuring out the child isn't yours is one Pandora's box. Figuring out he or she is yours is another. Before running the test, look at he second possibility as well, so that you are not caught off guard should it be the case. That said, knowing things is better than not knowing things.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 10:00 AM
4

"I'm awesome, hire me" - here, that's a resume. Feel free to use. There are no legal requirements to have specific fields in a resume; even the example above is exceedingly verbose. The rest sounds reasonable, as long as the other party provides the same information.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 09:55 AM
1

It's a fair question to anyone in the marriage, but not the one that the other party should ask - it's a question to ask ourselves. I'd also like to point out that alternative to being with us is not necessarily being alone. It's being alone or finding someone else.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 09:25 AM
1

Why not? It can. We lived for a couple of years together without marriage, we were friends and lovers. We had fun together, both in bed and outside; as far as I can tell, both of us enjoyed each other's company and wanted to spend time together. That continued for a while after we registered a marriage. I'd say two things damaged our family significantly: a move to another country, which created a lot of stress, and a kid that added more stress and took away a lot of free time. If friendship doe…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 08:56 AM
1

You never noticed consequences? May be you'll consider re-reading OP's post, it's very easy to spot a few. I am not, of course, saying there is Karma or God or any other fantasy entity enforcing justice or something. People who cheat, lie, steal and do other bad things sometimes get away with it, sometimes not.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 08:41 AM
2

You can go anywhere from here. File for a divorce, cheat, stay unhappy, find happinness in your own achievement rather than you wife's, drink heavily, go to couple's therapy, wait until the child grows (it get better). I must also make an observation that based on supplied numbers, at the time you married her, she hasn't been working for 3 years; by the time she conceived a child - 6 years. Isn't it kind of your choice? Looks like you were okay with it at some point.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 02:30 PM
2

Oh, then I have a somewhat similar story myself; we split our only kid 50/50 and live like roommates; no sex, no love, even friendship is questionable. But we earn about the same, so that part is easier. Similarly, I let her have the non-principal stuff. Expensive curtains instead of cheap ones, fine. Both your and my case are tolerable. There is substance abuse, no violence, nothing particularly bad. We both must have the same consideration, which I think boil down to these two: can I have it b…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 02:12 PM
1

Well, yeah, I actually agree with your observation. Anyone who lives has a working strategy, possibly a sub-optimal one, but working nonetheless. I'd still say there is a huge benefit in recognition of own agency, but possibly it's just my values. One's life is one's project. Not someone else's. As any project, it can go wrong and fail, but we are the project managers at all times whether we want it or not.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 09:03 AM
0

Then it's not "never will", but rather - how do you evaluate the odds of it happening? Double income does provide certain stability, yes, but not a lot of it when it's 1:5. Some marriages are alliances of convenience in the end, that's true, but how convenient is yours? Are you okay having a bossy lady around for the rest of your life? (by the way, the fact that she tells you what to do or takes unilateral action doesn't prevent you form doing what you think is right in an equally unilateral way…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 12:21 PM
1

As someone from another country I have to ask: is it legal? Can you get into jail for something like that if it's proven?
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 11:09 AM
2

If a person doesn't have a decent salary in 10 years of marriage, worse yet 20, she never will. I think you are confusing yourself unnecessarily here, she will remain who she is - it means, her earning potential is 1/5 of yours. If you know the divorce is inevitable (and you have an extremely good indicator of her recording a conversation), file when it benefits you the most. I don't know your local law, but if now is better than in 20 days, you have to do it. Don't postpone until the last momen…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 11:08 AM
6

Any threat must be taken seriously. She might try to do it or she might not, in any case if you are considering a divorce, you must be prepared to fight. Over kids, over property, over whatever you need to divide. Generally, it's not that easy to take a kid away from a parent. Your lawyer is the best way to estimate the probability; if he says it's zero, it's probably zero. Actual outcomes depends on the country and situation.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 10:56 AM
2

I finalized the divorce that ended my first marriage around becoming 30: no kids, went out with a bit of debt (~2 months salary) and an apartment of my own, no support, no residual communication, nothing. It was awesome. Happiest couple of years of my life. In a couple of years after the divorce I started worrying about kids, like, I'm getting older and what are my prospects and estimations. If you don't want kids, than I see only benefits.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 10:45 AM
0

Life consists of circumstances and choices. We are not accountable for circumstances, we are accountable for our choices. Whatever situation your or OP's ex has created, it's with her. Whatever you decided to do in this situation is your decision, your choice, your accountability. If a man (or a woman, no difference for that matter) does not recognize his own agency, his chances to move on are slim at best. He'll just find another entity to run his life. Everyone has a right to resent their deci…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 10:31 AM
7

He's getting broader and broader in his definition of abuse as he goes. "They will withhold care". "They will ignore you". That's not abuse, come on. Unpleasant, possibly disappointing, but abuse? No. Abuse is active damage, not the absence of gifts and privileges. Anyone who thinks they are entitled to other's attention or care are destined to be abused by everyone they meet.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 04:07 PM
0

How is it even possible to make someone have a kid? Were you held at gunpoint? I mean, I take your word that your ex is a bad person. But was it not your decision too?
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 03:52 PM
2

It is scary and it is every parent's duty never to put this responsibility on a kid. But we can only make choices for ourselves, not our wives. But what I am trying to point out is the rationality of this consideration. A small child lives in a scary world, where sustenance comes from a very limited number of sources. These sources are critically important. A 3 yo can't divorce and try and find better parents.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 03:34 PM
2

Please don't make her "realize that she is her own person", because she isn't. She is a dependant. A small child who lives because her parents take care of her. Put youself in her shoes. She can't divorce a person that you, I assume, couldn't handle. She can't say no to that person, because that person is a grown up and her mother and her provider. That will allow you to appreciate her rational fear, and operate within the boundaries set by it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 03:32 PM
4

Ah, that explains the TV story. Kids are easy to frighten, so she likely believes your ex' threats to leave. Consider this in your interaction with your daughter; she has to live in a world where she might lose her mother forever, and her life depends on it. She calls her mother after violating the TV rule not because she wants to, but because she has to - and you allowed her to end up in a situation where she has to. This particular transaction wasn't in your favor. Take care of communication w…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 01:10 PM
5

I have an almost the same age boy who loves me more than my wife (his mother) - this fact is acknowledged by all 3 of us, the evidence is overwhelming. I believe these are the reasons, maybe you can apply some: If we need to do something, I lay it out as a play if possible, as "we need to do it for such and such reason, such and such will happen if we don't" - never as "do as I say, I'm an adult, you must obey". I'm more spontaneous in joining his play or inventing a new play than my wife. I nev…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 12:33 PM
1

I was surprised seeing this the abuse actually took place and it's not some lawyer trick to try and get the settlement down. Men are physically stronger than women, so it's kind of more difficult to abuse us because women can't threaten us with physical violence; or so I have always thought.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 11:15 AM
1

I advise to reconsider the idea that failing yourself is less important than failing your wife. You are responsible for yourself 100%, 50% for the marriage you are in; you responsibility for you wife is partial at best - I'm assuming she is a capable adult making her own decisions. You are about to enter a phase when you and your wife will be fighting for the same piece cake. Don't let this "I don't deserve this" nonsense to weaken you, you deserve happiness, same as everyone, and you are respon…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 10:59 AM
1

I am curious as to which issues do you think are specific to men. I mean, I have some issues, but if I was a lady I'd had them anyway.
/r/MensRights02/07/24 10:18 AM
3

What do you mean by "being petty"? As in, she demands you split a microwave 50/50? Basically, if it's about kids, take it seriously; consult a lawyer. If it's about money, take is as seriously as merited by the amount; maybe consult a lawyer. If it's about something else, you don't even have to pay attention.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 10:13 AM
7

Is it really your choice? If you choose not to let her go, do you have the power to actually implement this decision? If she can get a divorce regardless, then you don't have a choice in that matter; you can only choose what to do in your current situation. Also, the responsibility to avoid misery in her life is mostly hers, not yours. You can try and correct your behavior if you think it should be corrected, you can make all sorts of promises if you believe you can improve, but you are not resp…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 10:06 AM
11

I think almost every divorcing man (possible women too) goes through this stages: How could someone in love with me do that to me! All right, she is not in love with me, but how can an honest person do what she is doing! All right, she is not obligated to pursue my interest, but how can any sane person do what she just did! All right, she is not on my side and has emotions. And I don't really care anymore. I think you are somewhere between 3 and 4. Reaching the end is not fully possible until yo…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 09:50 AM
6

It's a zero sum game, any mistake she makes is in your favor. She is paying a professional to protect her interests and then excludes this professional from communication; it's a gift to you. Celebrate it. Encourage it. Provoke more of it if you can.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 09:39 AM
1

If I may add another unwarranted comment :), it is also possible that her re-evaluation of the situation is not because of something you did, but because of something she did. She cheated, you didn't find out and did not react; women despise men who "allow" them to cheat - it's just an extreme example, of course, I'm not saying something like that happened.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 09:35 AM
2

Any argument and any fight needs at least two participants. You can't control what she does or says or writes, but you can choose to reply to only what you need to reply for the sake of your child.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 03:38 PM
1

Yes, some similarities are there, thanks for sharing. I am really curious as to what have triggered this change in behavior. Sounds like she really despises you, and as such takes an offence at any gift you give, be it a backrub, a common courtesy of pulling out a chair, a compliment or household help. Have you done something she'd consider a terrible, irrecoverable misconduct towards her? Or anyone else. Kicked a kitten?
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 03:32 PM
2

I like your choice of activities. First The Purge, then the prep for one. If I were you, I would check how much I am enjoying doing something that my ex-wife disapproves just because she disapproves it. If you are partially doing these things because she would not approve them, she (her introject) is still somewhat in control of your choice.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 12:53 PM
1

What's your situation, if I may ask? And why doesn't your wife let you work on improving it?
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 12:49 PM
3

I had a somewhat similar situation: discovered my first wife cheated when we were already in the middle of the divorce. I decided not to dig at all, and recommend the same to you. Why should you want to know how many time she cheated? You can only divorce her once.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 12:47 PM
1

I'd recommend to come to this talk with a plan and armed with knowledge. How do you propose you split whatever you need to split, how do you plan to live while it's ongoing, where do you sleep after the announcement. The timeline. Consider what her answers might be and the main points of disagreement, what her counter proposal would be. Do you expect her to celebrate? Cry? Yell? Fight? Key your car, trash your house? Be prepared. Do you expect her to hire a lawyer and try to make all your stuff …
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 12:40 PM
1

Both my wife and I are atheists, it's a relatively simple religion to grow a child in. My wife hinted a couple times, half jokingly, that if I need to deal with a sexual frustration, I am free to pursue other women. Not sure if she meant it and how she would react if I actually did it; we'll never know because I will not - I don't like the idea, it's sloppy and it's incopatible with dignity. If I was interested in men, the same though would apply. I've definitely contributed to us reaching this …
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 12:13 PM
1

Past is immutable; being concerned about what is already done affects nothing and burns energy. I recommend using this energy on adjusting the future behavior insted, there will be enough of occasions when you will need to keep your head cool and your communication precise. Whatever you have already written, there is no fixing it, but you might want to consult someone knowledgeable in the local law as to what is the actual damage.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 08:46 AM
-1

You can easily get a 70-30 settlement in your favor. All you need is just (click here to read).
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 03:38 PM
3

Can you execute a better control over what you write? If you know it's detrimental to your future potential court hearing, it doesn't matter whether you are right and whether your reactions are justified. You might be absolutely right, your wife might be absolutely wrong, but if it damages your future - don't write it. It's better to win than to be right.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 03:34 PM
1

Don't you want to have kids? I can't say I'm only thrilled with parenting, but it's definitely a piece of experience I wouldn't want to miss completely.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 09:59 AM
2

These are fair points, thanks. To make my personal situation more complex, I'm an expat - I don't speak the language of the country I live in fluently, which somewhat limits my options. I'd say, I'd consider divorce if and only if I believe being alone is better than being in a current marriage. Probability to find a better partner is hard to assess precisely; and I agree with you that multiple factors are not in my favor. As such, I should compare my current marriage not with an ideal marriage,…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 09:49 AM
1

The consensus seem to be that good elements of my marriage outweight the negatives - said negatives, I agree, are nowhere close to what you and others describe. My wife isn't abusive, but she is not loving either. She pays her half, but she spends her half as well. She is a reasonably good mother - but then it's her son as well as mine, and she'd remain a good mother regardless of what I do. It almost sounds like "she's not beating you daily, it's better than it could have been, keep it". No, it…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 09:43 AM
1

Ha, I know what you mean! I had this being alone candy for almost a year between my (first) divorce and the next girlfriend. It was awesome. But I was haunted by panic that I'm getting too old too soon to have kids, and I better move fast and find a lady I like. I was 32 - but my project plan showed that at best I'll be a father by 38, and I wanted to become one before 40 to see my kid becoming and adult before I'm old. I see your point about resiliency of a pair as compared to one. Until recent…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 02:58 PM
1

A fair point, I agree there is no guarantee that separating will make situation better for me or for anyone. Also, yes, it's not too bad. I don't see how you came to conclusion that I'll end up "totally alone" though. I mean, I might, but also might not.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 02:28 PM
1

Could you share a link to the first one? I'm new here but curious about a guy in a similar situation.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 02:02 PM
1

Point taken. May I inquire as to why you think it's better than just being alone? To a point of being a unicorn. I understand why it's better than to carry a dead weight that craves sexual favors, but how is it better than being alone?
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 02:01 PM
1

Do you know that divorce is inevitable? If you do, the longer you wait, the more you pay. If you think about where you want to be in 5 years, is it anywhere near her? What about 10, 15 years?
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 11:49 AM
2

I do appreciate what I have, that what kept me that long. Intellectually we actually have quite a lot in common - we both work in IT, both have university education, come from the same country. Values slightly differ, but we can agree on most. How it will go if one of us in poor health for any prolonged period of time, I can't say. I wasn't sick for more than a 3-4 days here and there in the past years, she didn't seem to care all that much - but I also did not need a lot of care. The same went …
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 11:29 AM
1

I do have the drive, but physiology is easy to take care of without the need to involve another person. I think there isn't a physiological problem, but I am not particularly interested in getting pursuing women for sex. I mention this, because men sometimes want sex strongly enough to consider absence thereof to be enough of a reason to terminate a marriage; I don't. I am not a strong person by any meaning of the word, that observation is correct. Lazy, hesitant, anxious, slow to make decisions…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 11:21 AM
1

But... isn't it something to consider before you decide to move out and choose a destination, not after? Other than employing a time machine, not much you can do. Move to a different place, more affordable. Dip into savings if you have them, while looking for a better job if it's an option. Also you can tell your spouse you can't deliver on your promise, and develop a more sustainable plan.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 11:08 AM
1

No-no sorry, that came across wrong. As I'm sure is obvious, English isn't my first language. I am married and with my current wife we have a son. He loves her, he loves me. I was married before, in my first marriage we did not have any children, it ended in divorce ~15 years ago. I am bringing this up to illustrate that I had experienced a marriage before this one, and I've been through a divorce once, admittedly not the most difficult one. I do not search for a perfect diamond, I strongly beli…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 11:01 AM
1

When you will have paid the price, only one part will remain. I wonder how big it is, when considered in isolation.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 10:52 AM
1

Are this regrets predicated on the financial consequences or on actual separation?
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 09:30 AM
1

I've ignored nobody, including you, despite you evaluating me as "this guy sucks" - there are 4 answers above. I am considering all the advice given, but I have no obligations (and none was implied) to follow any. I don't think our interaction reflects the one I have with my wife :)
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 09:29 AM
1

If you are a good father and she doesn't respect that, that's mostly her loss. You know being a good father is awesome, right? It's a reward in itself. If feels nice when the effort is recognized, of course.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 09:24 AM
2

I hope to be dead by the age of 90, I plan to die around 85-87 :) But generally speaking, I would like not to be alone when I'm old, I'd like to be with a woman I care about and she cares about me. I don't think my marriage is currently on this trajectory.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 09:19 AM
3

I don't understand this "plenty more fish". Yes, there are a lot of women on our planet, but I need an intersection: a set of women I'm interested in, a set of women that are interested in me, a set of women who are available. Intersection of these 3 sets might turn up to be an empty set, despite the fact there are billions of women. Plus building another relationship with another "fish" might end up in similar bleak situation; whatever contribution I made to this, I'll carry with me.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 08:51 AM
2

Yep, looks similar. High cost of living, very expensive property, plus I'm an expat, I came from a much weaker economy and basically started accumulating wealth at the age of 38. Same is true for my wife, but she's 10 younger - to be honest, all the points I have in favor of asking for a divorce are equally valid for her, plus she's younger, more attractive and generally a stronger person; not sure why she isn't initiating it. Our son, most likely. We both care a lot about his happiness.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 08:44 AM
1

I spent a total of almost 15 years married (and 20 living together), a large part of my adult life. I think I have enough experience to have corrected any idealization I might have had 20 years ago. If anyhthing, my view is quite pessimistic and I don't believe it gets significantly better than this - hence my hesitation to change things. That's a fair observation that other men have it worse. Even I had it worse, my first wife cheated. As I stated, my marriage is functional and convenient, but …
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 08:35 AM
1

Did I need to ask your permission or something?
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 10:07 PM
1

I agree. If I suck, I do it on my own, not as a representative of any group.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 09:56 PM
2

Already doing individual therapy; allowed me to get this far. Marriage counseling - I'll give it a try if I manage to sell the idea; agree I owe it to my kid. Date nights are questionable, we tried something like this but when we start talking we end up getting worse than we were.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 09:53 PM
1

Your description seems to apply to my case quite accurately. Together, neutral at best, kid full time, plus some established convenience. Or split, a bit less access to my son and definitely a lot of inconvenience for me and more important him; a possibility of new relationships - no guarantee, might fail there, I'm relatively old and not the most attractive man. But it's not a damn "neutral at best". The potential peaks are higher, there is at least hope.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 09:47 PM
2

Thanks, you seem to be on point. I think it's better to get a divorce, but I cannot convince myself to do it. It's hard, it's scary, I'm responsible for the kid, I don't know how to handle it financially or emotionally, I do not estimate that emotional part of my marriage can be fixed though. I guess that's what I am trying to do here, convince myself to commit to what I feel needs to be done, but what I don't want to start.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 09:38 PM
1

I made an honest attempt, the best I can, to make it last my whole life. Same as with my first marriage, an honest attempts, the best shot I could manage - not without mistakes or laziness or emotions, but the best I could. I think it's time to admit failure. And to decide what to do with a failure.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 09:31 PM
0

Neither my first, nor my second marriage included any vows or promises. That said, I do feel responsible for my son and his mother to the extend that she is and will remain his mother.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 09:19 PM
1

That's a fair point, thanks. I think I'll propose a couples therapy, see if she would be interested.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 09:10 PM
1

You'd probably earn more of her respect by refusing to fix what you don't need to fix, by refusing sex when you don't want it, by pursuing high-energy hobbies (not videogames), etc. People respect strength and sometimes danger, not subservience.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 09:09 PM
1

Thanks! I've made a decision to stop at 1 kid, for multiple reasons, this one included. May actually be one of the reason why our relationship deteriorated; I believe my wife wants a second kid, even though she will never admit it until she'd know I'm okay with it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 09:04 PM
2

Yep, I think your assessment is correct. We are going on vacation for 3 weeks soon - experiences accumulate. I'm sure it'll be technically okay, emotionally hollow and maybe even unpleasant. Initially I tried to bridge that gap, but was rejected. Arguable, I might not have tried hard enough or made mistakes.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 09:00 PM
2

I haven't made up my mind; I have a working theory - stay put for around 5 years, then divorce. But I don't know, maybe I should rush it. Or as others suggested try to fix it - if not for myself, then for the kid. You can't absolve me of my sin, which is contributing to building a sub-optimal pair of parents for my son.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:57 PM
0

Thanks! I probably should make an effort, but it's kind of hard to motivate myself. I can pretend I'm interested, but I'm not. I can ask to include me, but I don't want ot be included. Plus it's logistically difficult: when she's at the gym, I'm with the kid, and vice versa. Marriage by its very definition is a stay for life promise. I am really confused why would anyone choose a definition that is so far from the reality of defined object.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:54 PM
1

Regardless of my choices, I am sure my son will make his own mistakes, same as I have not replicated the family of my parents.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:37 PM
0

Thanks! Nice to see a different advice than "grass is NOT greener". It might be. Or it might not. Glad to read that for you it was greener.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:36 PM
1

We fought in front of the kid, I think, 5 or 6 times over the course of past 3 years; since then I think both of us kind of lost hope, there is not much left to fight over. I'm sure she thinks about the same - we discussed the divorce a couple times; she seems to be content staying married for now. Normally she is stronger and has better resolve than I am; but she's smart and can make the same assessment about the convenience, collateral damage to our son and the questionable alternatives. She's…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:34 PM
0

Two. I burned through two, I got a divorce around 30 yo, it's my second marriage - and I don't have any reason whatsoever to believe the next one will end better. That's why I'm not so eager. There's certain convenience in being alone though.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:27 PM
1

We both understand that, but prefer to keep it this way for the convenience of decision making. She makes unilateral decisions about "her" money, I - about "mine", we both have veto power about common. I can buy a gaming pc and she can buy a pair of shoes without asking the other's permission.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:23 PM
2

I am nothing like either of you. For me (and my wife, I dare to say) marriage is not a sacred bond, it's a contract that regulates how to split wealth and handle kids in case of separation. As any contract, it should be treated seriously. Vows are words, gods are fantasy characters, lawyers are real.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:18 PM
0

I went through a divorce when I was 29-30 (current marriage is my second). It was hard, but I made a right call.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:11 PM
1

It might or might not be greener on the other side, but I do have historical data to support a case for the greener. It's my second marriage, first ended with a divorce which I have initiated thinking exactly that - "I can find better". In retrospective, it was a correct decision - I did found better, my second marriage, the one that now seems to be empty, was better in every aspect. Not lasting enough apparently. Now I'm considering if being outside a marriage is even better than that. Son's ha…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:09 PM
1

Noted. Yes, horror stories are... impressive, I've checked some. But then again, if what keeps me in a marriage are horrors of the divorce, is it a marriage I should keep?
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:01 PM
1

I think she might be willing to try and improve something - as long as I'd offer similar effort in improving something for her in return. I kind of don't know what to ask though. I don't want to live with her when I'm old, that's for sure, but I was thinking that maybe it'll be easier when the central bank lowers the rate (for the mortgage refinancing) and when our son is older and doesn't need us both as much. Like, in 5-7 years. It complicates starting a new relationship, but then I wonder if …
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 07:59 PM
2

What avenues do you see? It's been like that for good 3 years already, it's like 1/3 of our time together.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 07:50 PM
0

I can't talk to her about hitting the gym, she's swimming, running, going to the gym, exercising at home - and I just swim and do some push up for better sleep. If any of us can send another to the gym, she can send me (she would not, but if she would - I wouldn't go). Kissing her sounds about as fun as kissing a microwave. Why on Earth would I even try doing it for 5 minutes? Should I also pretend to like it? I do a massage for her when her back hurts. Why would I tell myself a lie? I am not in…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 07:48 PM
2

Not sure we are in the same position. I don't think my wife holds me in very high regard, but I would say we still respect each other enough to stay polite - that's not a small thing.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 07:39 PM
0

The reasons I had when we married seems to have expired: official marriage is not simplifying emigration anymore as we are there, we already have as many kids as I intend to have, her activities for fun doesn't include me and mine - her, I no longer find her sexy (she doesn't want me as well). I don't see how any of these can be improved with money or work. I most definitely has not made any "stay for life" promises, luckily the country where we married doesn't require people to (statistically) …
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 07:29 PM
2

Thanks! That might be it, my life has its share of stress, but nothing really new or interesting.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 07:20 PM
2

There is always some extra dignity to lose and the further you allow yourself down this road, the more you will have to do to recover, if you even manage. If you resist the temptation, you'll thank yourself eventually.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 01:54 PM
1

Apart from technical solutions, you might want to look into why exactly you care. Informational payload of this messages is that she is upset with you. Any new message doesn't add anything to the payload. Whatever names she calls you, it only gives you the information that she's angry with you. Why is it bad for you that she is angry? =
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 01:31 PM
0

It's not okay in terms that it's unpleasant to be the one left with frustration, but it happens regularly; nothing unusual. Second year - very early. If she ever wanted him in the first place.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/24 02:11 PM
1

Why do you consider divorce a threat? What is it that you will lose in case this threat becomes reality?
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/24 01:54 PM
2

It's not normal, it's trash. No sex after 10 years is okay-ish; 2nd year - way too early. What are you panicking over, losing access to sexual frustration, less than yours income and lonely evenings in a bar? You can have plenty of that without any woman. Hiding vital financial information is an absence of trust (by the way, you shouldn't trust as well - she might hide other vital things). Every time I even mention kids Why? Why on Earth would you consider a significant complication to a system …
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 03:48 PM
2

Wouldn't it be fraud if she keeps receiving it and fails to inform you of the change in her marital status?
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 03:38 PM
1

Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 03:35 PM
2

If anything, you seem to trust too much. Someone told you about God, you believed. Your wife gave some formal promises, you believed. Believe less. That's how you trust people, by staying in reality. Which is a place where everyone pursues their interests, and sometimes it makes a lot of sense to pursue common interest together. Not because of vows, but because it makes sense.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 03:29 PM
1

As I've already said, I don't know what can be done, and if anything can be done at all.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 03:10 PM
0

She has the right to pursue her interests - as in, if she wants to sleep with someone else, she can. Same as you have the right to pursue yours - for example, having an exclusive relationships. Doesn't sound like your interests are compatible. But you'd probably feel less repulsed if you recognize her interest, not just yours. I recommend asking what her plans are with regards to being married to you. If she wants to keep it, you have grounds for negotiation around terms. If she can't wait for y…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 03:07 PM
1

Where do you live, if I may ask? Court decision sounds very unfair, and also potentially dangerous .
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 09:13 AM
0

I don't know what can be done, and if anything can be done at all. I was curious as to why kids safety does not seem to be a concern. The mother of u/jimsmythee 's children is a disastrous person, spends with them 50% of the time, right? How is this "her disasters don't affect me anymore"?
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 09:11 AM
1

I am curious as to how kids are happy if they must spend 50% of the time with "disasters never stopped" kind of mother. They still have to deal with a thing you are happy to have removed from your life, right? If that's correct, how to you deal with this?
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 09:01 AM
1

You might have a better grasp on how the divorce court work where author lives.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 04:25 PM
4

It's painful, I can relate; was worst almost a year of my life. One of the things I learned from my divorce - stop caring what the other party thinks about you. Of course they think you are bad one way or another. But that's opinion of a person who's becoming your past. They will try to hurt you, in part because you hurt them. It's inevitable. It's the situation. Behave well, be noble, don't go too low, but don't betray yourself too - and you'll be happy with yourself; if your wife doesn't, she …
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 03:46 PM
0

Doesn't it affect your kids for 50% of the time?
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 03:21 PM
4

I was looking forward to not having all the surfaces in the bathroom occupied by a thousand flasks, bottles, brushes, whatever they have. And while I enjoyed getting rid of women-clutter for a while, the thing that I ended up enjoying the most was being able to do things without informing anyone or making arrangement. Want to get drunk? Go ahead. Full day videogames? Fine. Swimming pool? Get dressed, go. Throw away the chair? Done. No communication, no approvals, no judgement, no "what about me"…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 03:16 PM
1

I think she agreed to give you a chance, because it's so important to you, but you didn't pass probation. 10x income sounds like an impressive achievement (also, not something one can do 3 months), but it's possible that she was looking to something else, not income. Free will of another person is something ourside our control, always will be; there are no partnerships for life. They can last long, yes, but not because some promises were given.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 03:05 PM
5

Can't you accuse her of the same? I mean, if statements without proof are benefitial to the accusing party where you live, allow yourself some. She beat you, tried to build a nuclear reactor in the basement using smoke detectors, poisoned neighbor's dog and said bad things about powerful people.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 01:54 PM
1

It doesn't sound like your situation is inherently a bad one, more like a perception issue. I am married, but my wife and I don't have good relationship and basically we live separately in the same apartment, split the time with our 4yo son 50/50. Spent father's day with my son - traveled to a nearby city, went to a museum, had lunch in our favourite restaurant, rode water taxi. Also saw some families around, I even had to endure a polite talk with a couple when my kid became instant friends wit…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 03:30 PM
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