Should I get a divorce?

DEVICEGRIP · 2024-06-28T15:06:47+00:00

I had/have a situation very similar. I read through some of the advice and would totally try some of the ideas if my wife would let me. I would suggest trying to work out the marriage for many reasons. Including the kid religious (if applicable), financially and the fact that your marriage didn’t work the first time… maybe the problem is you. Don’t take offense, but maybe check to see if you are into men. She may not consider that cheating.

Special_Profit4509 · 2024-06-25T18:58:48+00:00

Your not missing out on anything, unless the relationship becomes abusive or toxic. You have a ideal life. Your kid needs stability and your financially well. You don't care for intimacy. Work on becoming a better spouse and have new adventures to keep the spice of life. It would encourage couples therapy to rely understand how to communicate together.

Im still going true a divorce, we had a semi polygamous life, we party every weekend. My mental health was horrible from the constant comparison of my finances to her ex. She felt it okay to stop working. Stated taking out loans in my name. I lost attraction to the lifestyle. I needed peace and rest.

So far I have lost 330k. Divorce took a toll on my mental , credit and way of life. I'm extremely glad we never had kids. I really wish we never got married.

justme4556 · 2024-06-25T13:47:24+00:00

Is there something in the water? This is the second one this week. Dude you dont care about sex and yall are running a household as equals. You're not missing out. So please knock that shit off. If you are feeling the need to spice up your marriage. Have a honest discussion with your spouse and look into something new together.

cleats4u · 2024-06-25T13:13:33+00:00

You found a woman that splits finances with you and doesn't care that much about sex? And your thinking of divorcing her! Dude, that is a unicorn! You hit the lotto.

Sea_Emu_4259 · 2024-06-25T06:53:23+00:00

In short, NO.
You probably have the least problematic situation I've read about in this forum. Sorry to sounds harsh, It seems you have a female romantic view of what marriage should be, especially when it comes to raising a family. She appears to have her own money, there’s no indication she's lazy, no cheating, and you have separate accounts & she contribute as equal one which is not the average situation. I know a dozen of men who would pay to have your situation & swap with their situation.

Your desire for love and companionship, while understandable, reflects a somewhat naive and idealized view of marriage. Studies show that love only last few years for most couples. Many stay together because separating would be financially burdensome and complicated, especially for the children.

Most men would content to stay with their spouse if she bring food to the table in equal terms, work & willing to cohabit and co-parent & don't throw tantrum , all for the future of their kids.

If you need companionship, there are plenty of opportunities through male-oriented clubs, such as as sports teams & social clubs. It will provides a sense of community and support &can fulfill your need for camaraderie.

Admirable-Jello3715 · 2024-06-25T03:44:16+00:00

I'm in the same boat. Having a kid makes it hard to leave. Finances too since we live in a HCOL city.

drase · 2024-06-25T02:20:13+00:00

LostPhase8827 · 2024-06-25T01:23:47+00:00

Just do it; my wife has asked for a divorce and I've decided to give it to her; there are plenty more fish in the sea right ?

Psychological_Art823 · 2024-06-24T22:40:22+00:00

Ultimately its your decision, I think its best if you put all efforts in to trying to make the right choice for you and the kids.

I didnt have kids in mine so on the side of things everything was a lot easier. The current state of your situation is not good, on paper from the outside your heading for disaster sooner or later.

If its worth it to you and shes willing Id probably dedicate the next the 6 months (at least) to improving things. Sounds like a lot of distance between you guys. It wont get better overnight but your going to have to closw thar gap step by step.

On the other hand your out of love and in a roommate scenario. If your done and dont think its recoverable. Put your crash suit on and get ready for a divorce. Just be prepared for hell.

AirSailer · 2024-06-24T21:31:03+00:00

I've read all your responses to the other commenters... I think you already know you need to get divorced and probably would already if it wasn't for your kid. I also think that we as fathers overestimate the negative impact the divorce will have on our children. Kids adapt quite well, I'm sure yours will, especially if you're able to coparent with the mother. Don't sacrifice your happiness out of unfounded concern for you kid.

gorillavstiger · 2024-06-24T20:54:37+00:00

This is a tough one. Sure, you could probably live until your kid gets older and leaves the house and then reassess everything at that point

That is 13 years of your life you're talking about though including countless evenings, vacations, experiences, etc. where you're not maximizing your life - you're living in a comfort zone.

Have you two tried to be closer, emotionally and physically, or has that ship fully sailed?

-AppropriateLyrics · 2024-06-24T20:09:44+00:00

Yes, that's not a marriage.

RipStick96 · 2024-06-24T19:22:54+00:00

I’m not in much position to give advice. I have separated from the wife and about to file for divorce. I’m in a privileged position to be able to go and live with my parents. It’s not something I brag about. In a way I wish things were back like they were. We have two little girls that love me and I believe love my wife. For the past 10 to 5 or so years. I don’t think I have loved my wife. There were some concrete things where I realized I can no longer respect myself as a man and in this marriage. Basically, she did not respect me. And treated me like I was the hired help. I would give anything to not be in my position right now and have the respect of my wife. But I never had the respect so in order to be able to look at myself in the mirror I had to leave. This move has been very hard on the kids. And I thought about coming back only for the kids sake. It’s been a very shit year. If you want to ever talk to someone who has just left and is going through it. Direct message me. I do not regret my moves. I also don’t recommend them to everybody

ajanty · 2024-06-24T19:03:51+00:00

You need some adrenaline, been there bro. You're bored, there's no love in marriage, you're missing nothing. Thank God you respect her and hopefully it's the same to you.

Try new things. Just you, not the whole fam.

stupididiot78 · 2024-06-24T18:23:37+00:00

You must have married this person for a reason. Work to rebuild that reason. Marriage isn't something you do and then forget about it. You both have to work to keep it good and you haven't said anything about what you've done to keep it good or what she's done. You promised to stay with this person for the rest of your life. Take all the work and money that you'd use to make new separate lives and use it to make the life you want with the person you've already got. The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-06-24T17:09:09+00:00

Divorce will screw up your kid, but so will staying in a loveless marriage.

Personally, I think you should try every avenue before pulling the trigger.

Did she change physically after marriage? Maybe you need to talk to her about both of you hitting the gym.

The way to induce intimacy is physically touch.

My recommendations:

Kiss like teenagers for 5 minutes. Like really necking like you're doing it in her bedroom at her parents' house.

Learn how to give a back rub and foot massage on YouTube.

Get her favorite moisturizer and rub it all over her body while practicing your foot and back rub skills. Get her to do the same to you.

Keep telling yourself you're in love with her. Look at old photos together. Talk about how you first met and fell in love. You can convince yourself of anything if you keep telling that to yourself long enough.

Divorce will mess up your life, her life, your kid's life, and your friends and relatives will have to deal with it too.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF PHYSICAL HUMAN TOUCH.

Babies that are well fed and get changed regularly but don't get held or played with do much worse than those who do. There's a reason for that. Human touch is a powerful thing.

Melodic-Grapefruit-4 · 2024-06-24T16:52:43+00:00

You need to exhaust all of your avenues first man. Divorce isn’t anything to joke around with. Trust some of us going through it currently.

SaltSpecialistSalt · 2024-06-24T16:51:00+00:00

lot of context missing for giving useful advice but does not sound like a marriage at all. especially separate finances and sleeping arrangement. it all depends how willing is she to improve things. if she is willing it is worth giving a try. if she is not willing to improve things it wont worth stay in a marriage like this. think 10 years later, when your son leaves the house, do you want to keep living with a person you dont even like ? and you will be in a much difficult situation to start something meaningful again face much more loneliness later in life

Feisty_Elderberry_96 · 2024-06-24T16:31:36+00:00

"It kind of works" ...

Maybe try couples counseling; seems like there could be a communication issue at hand? What would make you like her more - or what's missing from the relationship -- maybe a counselor could help you both figure it out.

In any event ... Divorce sucks, you never know how she'll respond - you could be look at every other weekend visits with your child and paying her Child Support and Spousal Support.

If you're asking for advice, I think you should try every avenue to make the relationship work (and be happy). Read some of the horror stories about divorce; you don't want that....

mercedeszzzz · 2024-06-24T16:28:23+00:00

I do wish you men would stop thinking it’s greener on the other side the amount of sad tales ive read is bad. Stay where you are and raise your family your son deserves it.

laser_scalpel · 2024-06-24T16:13:06+00:00

what's the point of separate accounts because its all community property in case of a divorce. She can rack up debt and it'll be yours too.

NewDay0110 · 2024-06-24T16:06:52+00:00

This sounds just like the women who leave good marriages because they get bored. They think there's some better, grander life out there for them full of excitement and warm tingles. True love is awaiting! Well, I got news for you - you will always feel like you are missing out. This happens to people when they define their life meaning by external stimulation, and those folks are never happy. They have to constantly travel the world, seeking out new novelty and it never ends. The answer to restlessness is finding yourself within but you won't admit it. You already burned through one marriage what makes you think the next or the next will be any better? Find a way to be happy with what you have because life could be so much, much worse.

ABBucsfan · 2024-06-24T15:52:54+00:00

I respect her and I trust her

Tbh that's plenty to build around and at least try counselling and such to hopefully work on the rest. You're better off than majority of people who divorce if you actually still have those two things. You're not always going to have those warm and fuzzy feelings, but they can be rekindled. Imo it's at least worth kicking the can. If you guys were constantly fighting in front of your kid that would be detrimental for him to be around, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Being able to work on things would be best the child for sure.

because I think I might be missing out;

This feeling happens all the time to couples, often around 7 year mark. Often the cycle just repeats itself again with hormonal changes over time. Grass is always greener. I hate to sound defeatist, but what you're feeling is pretty normal I think as wellness realistic for most marriages. When you've been with someone for years familiarity setting in is inevitable. Another relationship would be exciting for a few years and likely end up same spot. You yourself said you couldn't imagine building again. Either work in this one or stay single imo. A third one doesn't seem wise? One way or another you will still be invoked with your current wife even I'd you divorce. You share a child.

Good luck whatever you choose

Btw have you talked to her at all about these things? It's possible she's been thinking about them as well. Even just that you don't feel as close or intimate as you should?

soontobesolo · 2024-06-24T15:52:49+00:00

I'm divorced about two years ago and am happier than I've been in years. I won't marry again but I have a fabulous girlfriend I adore. I dated dozens of wonderful women in the last year or two. I have my kid half the time and make the most of it. It's wonderful.

It seems like you two can be great coparents. The kid will be fine. It's adjustment but it's so common these days.

Financially, sure, supporting two households is harder but it's probably workable.

You have to decide if future love and intimacy is important to you. If not, carry on. If it is, go find your happiness. I don't think you'll regret it.

But by all means see if you can fix your relationship. It's unlikely though.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-06-24T15:45:36+00:00

Doesn’t sound like a marriage that you would want to mirror to your son.

TheWormTurns22 · 2024-06-24T15:42:31+00:00

do not fool yourself into thinking there's greener pastures out there. I don't even have to know your situation, statistics alone and the whining and crying of women on the ticky tocky and youtube and surveys tell the story. Hardly anyone is getting anything out of dating or marriage these days. If you don't have any real problems, stay together and raise your son. Also work on the relationship you have, if she is open to it. The five love languages book can assist you. I'd probably avoid making any more kids though.

Title	Should I get a divorce?
Author	Exactly65536
Upvotes	9
Comments	118
Date	June 24, 2024 3:33 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1dngdaw/should_i_get_a_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/should-i-get-a-divorce.1522179 https://theredarchive.com/post/1522179

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