Suggestions for raising a boy in today's world.

RoninUnderground · 2012-09-05T00:28:57+00:00

When he's old enough to understand, and those times will often be earlier than you think:

Don't teach him 'right and wrong', teach him reason and why things are right and wrong.

Don't love him the way you want to be loved, love him the way he wants to be loved.

Don't always give him what he wants, give him what he needs. This includes discipline, rewards, privileges and responsibilities.

Be honest with him, ESPECIALLY when you err. Admitting fault does not, like many seem to believe, show weakness. There will be times when he knows you're wrong, and if you communicate calmly and settle the matter you will earn his respect.

There's so much I could talk about, but those are some things that jump to mind when I think about what I lacked growing up. I had to figure out so much on my own far too late because I had parents who thought they always knew better than I did, would never hear out my objections, placed arbitrary restrictions, and probably worst of all were simply poor communicators. You will absolutely fuck up your son if you always act as the transmitter and rarely the receiver.

eggilicious · 2012-09-05T00:33:54+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2012-09-05T02:03:02+00:00

I was raised by a single mother. Just the fact that you are here asking tells me that you are going to raise a confident, well adjusted son. You are already doing your homework by reading in this sub.

rightsbot · 2012-09-04T23:06:18+00:00

Post text automatically copied here. (Why?) (Report a problem.)

2012-09-05T01:17:32+00:00

::warning, serious brain diarrhea ahead::

I sadly don't have any reference material for a point/possibility I would like to convey to you. I have read your later two books you mentioned and there is subset of males (and less likely females) that are very over looked in academia -- the warrior gene.

Your son may be highly masculine and aggressive tendencies. This may or may not come with high levels of empathy as well. This population is one I've always felt was highly neglected and was too quickly written off as "antisocial/sociopath/various forms of adhd."

I unfortunately was never able to nail down literature or my own research to spear head my own so my apologies for not giving you a nice citation. This has been well over a decade and many years of fog of lapsed over my brain since.

So, what I'm trying to get across to you is some kids are born heavily "cisgendered" or heavily masculine trait in this case. And instead of maybe resisting these traits as I suspect from your post they actually should be embraced. Such youth, such boys, do way better with mentor roles and being shown how to do something not being told to do something. They don't do well in groups for learning and in my opinion are often left behind by our school system only to be later prescribed Rx drugs with diagnosis I mentioned earlier.

These "warrior boys," if you would, crave interaction with their environment and thrive on trial and error. They are a handful. But also, they are a much needed component in our society's history and today for survival, that until recently, actually celebrated their existence. Where as now, it is my opinion they tread on razor edge trying to be accepted by society through personal and legal medication, socially acceptable methods of warriordom (law enforcement/military) and/or jail.

Does any of that fit any of your readings? Seeing as I have read a lot on the topic but suffered a head injury so the spicket flows and it's hard for me to discern how much of it is my theory now and what I've actually read from years ago....?

Cheers and serious internet hugs/high fives for being an awesome parent!

pcarvious · 2012-09-05T02:07:46+00:00

Be involves at your son's school. Both you and your husband should have a good working relationship with the teachers that he interacts with regularly. Offer to spend a day or two a week tutoring in the class. This gives you a chance to know what material is being covered and opportunities to spot holes in his education. Do not get into shouting matches with the teacher. This will lead to your child being passed simply to get rid of you. This is not conducive to quality education. If they try to diagnose him with ADD or other behavioral problems ask for tine to get an independent assessment done.

If you get into a stink with the school make them point out, in the schools code of conduct, what rules he broke. Teachers will find the.most frivolous reasons to remove students from the room. Removing students reduces their workload. Simple as that. If you think your son is being targeted talk to him about it. Don't let the school give vague reasons for disciplining the child. You are the strongest and likely only advocate your son has.

Do not be afriad to ask for your son to be moved to another teacher's class. If you think a teacher is bullying your son then chances are they are. I know that sounds harsh, but adults will bully children and have the authority to hide it. Believe me I know first hand what this is like. Check in daily with your son to see how he feels and how his day went. He will more than likely develop a set answer so watch for.behavioral changes. If you need to press or probe do so lightly. Ask questions that can be answered in ways other than yes or no though. Any time you give questions that can receive one word answers you will receive one. Instead of asking was your day good, ask what did you do today? Then go over any notes you had about the class

In regards to legal, all the schools disciplinary policies should be written down at the school. If they aren't and you request a copy, it's your right as a parent to see these policies, you can make them show them to you and provide a copy.

Get your child tested early and often for gifted placement programs. The quality of the school is usually better.

If you find a teacher you like try to get your son into that class. This is applicable with siblings.

Anyways, I'm running out of steam here, but keep an eye on your son. Schools will try to put him on specific tracks. You have the power to determine which track he is in and on.

2012-09-05T03:43:38+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Jesus_marley · 2012-09-05T11:21:49+00:00

As a father myself, while I don't have any reading suggestions, I do have some suggestions of my own. take them or leave them as you wish.

Don't undermine your husbands role or his involvement in raising your son. In fact, encourage interactions that are just the two of them.
be involved in his education. Many times, in public schools, boys face unique challenges from overt or covert bias, to outright gender hatred against them. be aware that some teachers will push to have him "medicated" as ADHD in order to make him more managable.
teach him to respect others, both boys and girls. More importantly teach him to respect himself.
teach him to question authority. even yours. As frustrating as that will be as a parent, it will instill in him a basis for critical thinking and reflection and to not blindly accept what he is told automatically as truth.
teach him that he has inherent value as a person. Teach him that his worth is tied to who he is and not what he does. Teach him that he is not a disposable commodity to be utilized at the whim of society.

2012-09-05T17:29:57+00:00

My husband's upbringing has definitely shaped my view on how a son (or any child) should be raised. He is one of the strongest, most self-confident men I know, and I'll tell you why I think that is.

My husband was raised alternatively by his father and mother. They split up when he was a baby and he lived primarily with his mother at first, but he chose to live with his father once he started middle school because his mom traveled a lot and he wanted to stay in one place. But I think the ideas they used in raising him work even in a 2 parent household.

When he was growing up, he had to learn to do things on his own. Mom or dad would be out working, so he learned to make dinner for himself. When he was living with his dad, mom wasn't around to do his laundry, so he learned to do all that stuff on his own. And when it came to his own personal choices (his hobbies, how late to stay out, etc.) his parents gave him autonomy and respect as a default. As long as he was doing well in school and not on drugs, etc, he didn't have a curfew or unreasonable limits placed on him. And because of all that, he grew up a lot sooner than many of his other peers.

I hope you adopt a similar stance and allow your son to be an independent individual. Kids can handle things a lot earlier than you think they can. Give him room to grow into a self-reliant man, and he will love you for it. :)

Roddy0608 · 2012-09-05T12:38:29+00:00

Why would you raise a boy differently to a girl? Do you like to enforce gender roles? Think about raising a child. Set an example of empathy and fairness. Let him discover his own interests.

C0CKPUNCHER · 2012-09-05T08:39:08+00:00

Attachment parenting.

truthjusticeca · 2012-09-05T00:29:05+00:00

I feel sorry for your boy and how he will be demonized for naturally boisterous boyhood activity and blamed for all the worlds problems as a man.

Why are you a feminist while mainstream feminists have opposed equal shared parenting and helping male victims of domestic violence? It doesn't matter if she's a "small woman", as long as she can cry.

I don't have any boys and I hope my daughters don't become feminist. I've already had to correct them about historical fallacies about men owning women and women never allowed to go to school. Such nonsense feminist have perpetrated, so much trouble for young boys ahead.

buster2209 · 2012-09-05T12:43:46+00:00

Allow him to have a time with his father. Regardless of what information is out there, a boy who has a healthy relationship with his father will be FAR more socially adjusted than one who doesn't. Failing that, send him into the army when he is of age. It has been my experience that is the only way to 'knock some sense' into a male when he hasn't had a father figure growing up. And the army sucks, so I'd go with the first choice

Title	Suggestions for raising a boy in today's world.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	26
Comments	28
Date	September 4, 2012 11:05 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/zd0x2/suggestions_for_raising_a_boy_in_todays_world/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/suggestions-for-raising-a-boy-in-todays-world.1014287 https://theredarchive.com/post/1014287

Comments