Any tips about dealing with Parental Alienation Syndrome?

Varo · 2009-07-20T00:56:43+00:00

Judging by the way you speak of your ex, talking to the mother about this is probably not a viable solution. You're in a tough spot. Horribly enough, letting her see this hurts you may actually ENCOURAGE this behavior.

Don't get angry at your daughter. That will simply alienate her and make you seem like the bad guy mommy wants you to be. Being called your first name by your child probably truly hurts, but try to wait this out. Whats in a name, anyway? As soon as your child is old enough to realize the truth of the situation she'll come around. Act like her father, be her father, and the name will someday follow.

The sad truth is, once the ex realizes this isn't getting a rise out of you, it may stop.

Or, you could constantly talk about yourself in third person. "Daddy's going to get a glass of water," etc. The bigger the better. Make it a game.

ch00f · 2009-07-20T03:44:10+00:00

As a product of divorce myself, I was the target of some serious brainwashing on the part of my mom. She never tried to get me to call the "flavor" (as you put it) "Daddy", but somehow magically whenever I did something bad or something bad happened, it was always my father's fault. If anything, I started to like my father more just because he yelled at me less.

She was incredibly bitter about the divorce, but after a few years this wore off. My parents were divorced when I was 6 years old, and I turn 21 in October. I still love my father and I am now old enough to respect his decision to never let the divorce get to him. I also have learned to look past the faults of my mother.

Divorce is a bitch. I have hardly covered any of the facets of going through a divorce as a kid. I guess I have a lot more experience with it than you do. If you have any questions, reply or PM me, I'd be happy to give advice.

wonkifier · 2009-07-20T04:06:41+00:00

My roommate moved in with me when he got divorced years ago, and there this definitely sounds familiar. [Though the younger daughter was 7 when it started... she's 18 now]

It's going to suck, but there's not too much to do about it.

Set clear expectations when she's with you, and don't argue about calling the other guy dad. Don't fall into the "I only get to see her every other weekend so it has to be fun all the time" trap either... when she's old enough, get some chores assigned. Make sure you're keeping up with school events (always get the info yourself, don't trust the kid or wife to give it to you)

Be patient, but not a push over. Be accepting but firm. Don't accept bad behavior form her in general. Always make it clear you love them, even when punishing them.

If her grades are slipping, help as much as you can. Be ready to hold back on fun stuff if they slip too far though (when she gets in school).

Kids can learn to have two sets of standards. They can learn that one set of things is acceptable at mommy's, but not at daddy's.

It's going to be hard, and going to feel unappreciated for a very long time... but in the end, as long as you're not crazy as well, she will come around.

That middle time (years and years of it) can suck big time though, so be as prepared as you can.

One other note, in case things to get to lawyers and police... keep organized notes. Yeah, they're not going to be accepted as proof on their own. But if you've got 3 years of diary entries showing both positive and negative, that does actually go along way towards credibility.

Good luck.

theseusastro · 2009-07-20T04:44:59+00:00

It's a heart breaker, but you need to know with unshakable certainty that you are her father and nothing can ever change that.

"Flavors" will come and go and a time will come when your daughter will refuse to call the new "flavor" 'daddy'. Right now you need to be building familiarity and closeness with your daughter.

You need to be the one who listens more closely and who shares and shows a real interest in who she is and what she likes and doesn't like. If all goes well your relationship with your daughter will turn into something that she insists on maintaining.

Try to figure out how to spend more time with her.

VoodooIdol · 2009-07-20T13:29:12+00:00

Document it fully, first of all, with dates and times - and honestly, you should be doing this anyway. Documentation of this sort is golden if you ever need to go to court over it. Other than that you need to remember that you are the parent. What you say goes, and your daughter needs to learn that. That being said, you have to teach her with firm compassion. If you punish her for anything, make sure she understands exactly why she's being punished - I always explained it to my daughter at the beginning of her "time out", and then asked her why she was in time out at the end of her time. If she couldn't explain it to me reasonably, we talked about it more so I knew that she understood. I always allowed her to ask questions if something was confusing to her or didn't make sense.

Make sure that even if you put your foot down on something that she knows that you love her, and just because you're upset with her at the moment doesn't mean that you feel any differently about her. Also make sure that you, no matter what, never bad mouth her mother in front of her or even within earshot. If there is a difference of opinion between you and her mother, make sure you explain that because you feel differently doesn't mean her mother is wrong (even if you feel she is)... it just means that you're different people who see things in different ways.

2009-07-20T05:21:18+00:00

You need to bring this up with your lawyer so that it is an issue the next time you are in court despite the cost. I had it written into an order that my daughter not use the word daddy or any equivelent be used to refer to anyone but myself and it seemed to be standard part of any "agreement". The Judge should see how damaging it is because it not only deprives you of your rightful place, it lowers the meaning of the word in your daughter's eyes if "daddy" is just what ever her Mom's flavor of the month is currently using. That is your rightful place and any court should recognize it belongs to you soley. IANAL, obviously.

2009-07-20T15:58:57+00:00

This is typical tactic of divorced women. Stay in love with you child and they will grow to detest their mother for what she is doing.

Hangly · 2009-07-20T02:45:43+00:00

Grow a pair?

Title	Any tips about dealing with Parental Alienation Syndrome?
Author	MDKAOD
Upvotes	33
Comments	41
Date	July 20, 2009 12:17 AM UTC (17 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/92o0d/any_tips_about_dealing_with_parental_alienation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/any-tips-about-dealing-with-parental-alienation.1053510 https://theredarchive.com/post/1053510

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