I'm upset I didn't leave sooner and let the abuse go on

growthh77 · 2020-12-30T21:33:52+00:00

Hi, I’ve been through this before too. I stayed for two years with a porn addict who lied and was emotionally abusive most of the time. He ended up leaving and I was so disappointed in myself for not leaving first. I felt so small and worthless when he left because I thought he was so terrible and him leaving me must mean there’s something wrong with me. That’s obviously not true. My brain was just trying to justify all the pain.

It might take some time to heal because it’s painful getting out of a relationship, even if you knew the person wasn’t right for you. My advice is to let it hurt, be angry, cry and scream. Let yourself heal from this. It’s okay to be angry with yourself but understand that it’s not your fault. You’re still learning to love yourself and that takes time. Forgive yourself when you’re ready and then step into your power and love yourself. This is just the beginning of your new journey.

thelightsource12 · 2020-12-30T16:50:16+00:00

Hi!

I just went through the same exact situation. I stayed with him for 6 years, it was on and off. It would only be “on” when he wanted it to be and he would break up with me almost every time.

I gave him opportunity after opportunity to change and also was very clear about what I needed. He discarded me after devaluing me, and I will say that realizing my worth, even if it was 6 years in the making, is the most freeing feeling. I remind myself that I learned, grew, saw my strength, the unconditionality of my love, my ability to forgive and how committed and dedicated I am.

It was sadly just given to the wrong person.

And now I can give that to myself 100% because I know I already carry all those qualities. I am choosing to stay single for a whole year to heal, to invest in my health, accomplish my goals, to learn to be alone so as to never feel like I need to change anyone or accept behavior that is abusive.

FDS is helping me understand as well how a man is supposed to be for a queen. But first before I can entertain that idea, I want to embody my Queen nature by helping myself and loving myself.

I hope that made sense!

It’s okay to feel angry, to mourn and go through the grieving process; the acceptance process I am not 100% healed from what I went through but I show up for myself and let myself feel it all.

You got this!!

moxymoxalone · 2020-12-30T18:18:27+00:00

Look at the time spent as being necessary for your education and if in any new relationship you start to see or feel history repeat itself, get thee over to the FDS manual for a reality check.

Yes, it sucks to waste your time on a LVM. That’s now done. Don’t beat yourself up over it any more and resolve that you will do better now that you know better.

cryptohobo · 2020-12-30T22:20:19+00:00

I think it’s amazing that you’re self-aware enough to know that getting stuck in anger and resentment can certainly be a side effect of this, I’d give yourself a time frame for how long you need to process this, or at the very least how long you want to feel these things without them being permanent. As ridiculous as he is, Dr. Phil does have a good line about how long one tolerates bullshit behaviour/treatment, “better X years than X years and a day”. Even though he’s the one that ended it, it’s YOU that wins, sometimes the trash takes itself out!

seraphinelysion · 2020-12-30T23:44:12+00:00

What helped me move on was accepting what happened. No matter how much you think about it going down differently or wish it didn't happen at all, it won't change anything. So learning to accept that it is what it is and also learning what not to do is what helped me move on. I don't have any anger, resentment, or hate in me and I was married to a NVM for 14 years. I could wish I had left sooner, or think about all that time as being wasted, but it wouldn't do anything for me but perpetuate the pain and keep me from moving forward. So I let it all go. When you realize there is no point in holding onto any of it, it's what sets you free.

Downtown-Temporary52 · 2020-12-31T02:35:15+00:00

Sis, I went through an almost the same phase too.

But I'm here to tell you to leave him be. I always keep on reminding myself the best karma is for him to stay as he is, date the next girl, let the girl leave him -- then only he knows that he is the problem. As for me, the next person I date is I UPGRADE HIM. He didn't upgrade me for loving him wholeheartedly, so sincerely, yet I begged for bare minimum and basic decency.

A friend of ours told me to write him a letter for him to reflect on himself. I laughed hard bcs I asked her, whatever for? I'm not his mom to make him change. And why do I want him to change? so the next lady can have better version of him? Nay I'm not Bob the Builder.

So if he wants to change, it has to come from within.

Focus on yourself sis. Let the past be gone. Forgive yourself for not seeing clearly. But more importantly, channel your energy for yourself and cut that emotional ties with him. He doesn't deserve you sis!!

2020-12-31T01:32:45+00:00

Hi sis, you were not deprogrammed yet after patriarchy.

We can say that recognizing abuse is a good thing because you are now becoming more vigilant about what people to put in your life.

You needed to leave on that schedule because you may not have awareness or resources to figure it out sooner.

Think of this as a blessing.

Wishing you luck and safe healing.

Title	I'm upset I didn't leave sooner and let the abuse go on
Author	thelightsource12
Upvotes	84
Comments	11
Date	December 30, 2020 4:36 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/kn5hoe/im_upset_i_didnt_leave_sooner_and_let_the_abuse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/im-upset-i-didnt-leave-sooner-and-let-the-abuse-go.1059901 https://theredarchive.com/post/1059901

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