I (M18) assumed this weird but innocent guy was being creepy and I feel disgusted with myself...

Arguesovereverythin · 2021-09-04T12:13:53+00:00

In addition to what everyone else is saying, I think the most important thing here is that you are willing to admit you made a mistake rather than trying to justify a harmful behavior.

If you see the guy again, you can casually apologize for the mix-up. And in the future, you can simply decide to be better. Maybe ask gently, "excuse me, is that your daughter?... OK, sorry just checking if everything was OK."

And honestly, knowing your attitude about this, I would feel safer around you than most women out there.

Dogrose22 · 2021-09-04T09:17:08+00:00

Please don’t beat yourself up about this, you made a mistake, I have a feeling you would have done the same if it was a woman that was chasing and grabbing the child. It doesn’t sound as if you targeted the person deliberately based on his gender, you saw what you thought was a child in a potentially harmful situation and acted accordingly, you did what you thought was the best thing at the time and you can’t do anymore than that.

You were in a difficult situation, had moments to assess and react under pressure, I don’t believe most people would have reacted any different.

If the man does come back, you can apologise for your error, if he doesn’t I don’t think you should dwell on what was a genuine mistake - we all make them.

michaelpaoli · 2021-09-04T17:21:20+00:00

Don't beat yourself up over it. Situation didn't look right, you checked it out, all's fine.

Would be lots worse if situation was bad and you didn't act.

And it's not like folks are mind readers and will know the situation before further checking on it.

IntroductionNew3421 · 2021-09-04T09:30:26+00:00

The media, movies and tv shows all train us to believe the worse when we see things like this. Its not your fault.

If you see him again apologise and maybe buy him a beer or something.

pwessie · 2021-09-04T12:23:58+00:00

There's no reason to feel as awful as you seem to feel.

First, the thing to do was to inform your manager so they could handle it, but you bypassed your manager and confronted the guy yourself. However, that's a hierarchy of workplace authority issue, not a "is this stranger a creep or not" issue.

Second, and more relevant to your feelings from what I understand, is that your assumption about the guy behaving strangely was logical. Being a logical assumption, you've got no reason to feel so terrible.

Beyond this, I don't have advice for any "next steps." Wouldn't have been a big deal for me and I'd be over it by now.

JasTHook · 2021-09-04T16:01:39+00:00

The gentle responses here are a testament to the good character of MRA readers on reddit.

AcidKritana · 2021-09-04T21:10:32+00:00

I've had a similar situation, and I think it's partly due to biological evolution, so it may not be all the way your fault.

So, just to clarify, I'm a gay guy and also an MRA. I've only really dated online before, so it may be changing it a little bit.

A couple of the guys that I have dated have asked to see my sister after I say I have one. I'm already very protective of my sister, so I instantly assume something about them, that they're trying to be perverted, and instantly get offensive. They're gay, so they probably wouldn't even be like that to her, so it makes no sense for me to act like that, but my brain doesn't really see it that way. I don't think I'd do it for a normal girl, necessarily, but for my sister I get overprotective.

I also accidentally was biased towards a foreign girl (who turned out to be the exact same guy as the one being challenged by her), and I think that was more of the instinctive reaction. Biological evolution has made us instinctively more suspicious of men and males, while caring more for or being nicer to females. So it's probably partly because of biology.

And I even have been an MRA my whole life (no, not raised one), believing in equality my whole life, so if it was just due to culture then it wouldn't be possible for these situations to have happened to me. But they did, and it was because of my biological evolution. So I don't think it was necessarily all the way your fault. Also, you were stressed, meaning you would have gone with your instincts even more.

Regis_ · 2021-09-04T09:38:13+00:00

You shouldn't feel bad! Based on your own judgement you recognised the guy as kind of creepy and that the woman was uncomfortable. It's only natural to want to step in and stand up for someone who you think is being harassed or tormented.

You were protecting a child from what you perceived as a threat, what father wouldn't commend you for doing so. The man may have been angry at first considering it was his daughter, but I would HOPE that after some time he'd realise you were only trying to look out for his daughter and her mum.

What you did was morally right, both in terms of your duty as the store employee and as a good person in general.

Think of it this way, if you DIDN'T step in, I'm sure you would feel much worse than you do right now. You would be thinking "why didn't I help them? Are they safe now that they're away from that man or did he follow them?" You put yourself in an uncomfortable situation in order to help out others, that is commendable in my eyes

mikesteane · 2021-09-04T11:03:06+00:00

Don't beat yourself up about this. You didn't even make a bad judgement. If the guy got more angry than any customer you had had before, then yes, he was at the least a bit unstable.

For the future, you might look at learning more advanced social skills. A useful phrase in this situation might have been "Can I help you with anything?" Think of it in terms of face saving for the other person. E.g. in a clothing store when you are aware someone has clothes in their bag, ask them if they could bring the stuff they tried on back from the fitting room.

Crafty-Tackle · 2021-09-04T14:37:45+00:00

It is a fucked up situation. You did the best you could under the circumstances. Not all of life is perfect. You could have done much much worse.

iainmf · 2021-09-04T10:39:40+00:00

I do this too.

It's fine to have thoughts you don't want to have. You are probably familiar with other thoughts you don't want to have like remembering embarrassing things you did in the past.

The thing to do is recognise it and say to yourself "there's another one of those crazy thoughts" and then move on.

We are all a little like Homer Simpson when it comes to our relationship with our brain.

Klutzy_Pride_5644 · 2021-09-04T22:37:42+00:00

Life is full of lessons. You made a decision based on the best information you had at the time. It sounds like it was the wrong decision but life goes on. Just because it was a bloke didn't mean the situation was OK either so you were right to check on things (whether it was a woman or a man) sounds like you just went in a bit hard which is understandable if you are tired and grumpy. You learned something and I expect the guy isn't sweating it too much. Time to move on and do a little better next time 👍

mrmensplights · 2021-09-04T23:44:15+00:00

You made a mistake and you understand that - don't agonize over it. Just apologize if you see him again and make sure to try to do better next time.

You're only 18. The truth is that you've been indoctrinated all your life to see men as predators and creeps in school, on the internet, watching television, or from the news. You won't undo that in a day, it takes time and dedication. The journey is important.

SpideySurreal · 2021-09-04T14:50:57+00:00

Yes you owe that Man an apology, at least a simple, sincere one. When push comes to shove, that's when our true beliefs and ideals are tested, and you simply failed dear.

Would I have handled the situation impeccably? I wouldn't be so certain but based on the facts of the incident, that single Man was not a creep grabbing random children, but a lonesome father possibly looking for some decent moments of intimacy with the baby he created too.

But rather pointless beating yourself up so severely over it, just be mindful in the future.

Title	I (M18) assumed this weird but innocent guy was being creepy and I feel disgusted with myself...
Author	saquemo
Upvotes	135
Comments	21
Date	September 4, 2021 8:06 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/phni9a/i_m18_assumed_this_weird_but_innocent_guy_was/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/i-m18-assumed-this-weird-but-innocent-guy-was.1066954 https://theredarchive.com/post/1066954

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