How to cut a LVM friend from my life when we have many common friends?

vereelimee · 2020-10-04T18:32:33+00:00

Just 'drop the rope'. Don't make efforts to contact him. Limit in person interactions to boring small talk.

There is a technique called grey rocking, which is to be as uninteresting as possible. This is to make toxic people think you are as boring as paint drying on a wall. Essentially give him no personal information. Give vague answers and say phrases like "I don't know" or "that's nice" or "I have plans".

Don't promise any of your time to be around him. You can outright ignore him at social events. Make no effort to include him in anything you plan. He is now a stranger to you and so you should react as if that is the case. If someone asks why you didn't invite him, then say you didn't think about him. Or you were only inviting your friends or haven't spoken or seen him in x time which is true.

People will accept that you don't want him in your life. They can't force you to be his friend. This is the lowkey cold shoulder. People fall out of friendships all of the time. So it is not as shocking as announcing you are cutting him out.

Do what you think best suits your situation. I prefer dropping the rope because it is easy and when they realize what has happened it's on them. They never reached out to you. They never really made effort to maintain the relationship.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-10-04T21:25:55+00:00

Fade out. Become less available, respond to fewer of his text messages, take longer and longer to respond, make your answers progressively shorter and blander.

goddess-of-compost · 2020-10-04T18:10:45+00:00

Explain to your friends that he’s been consistently rude - insulting you for your age, despite being younger than him! Yikes - and you don’t want to even be around someone like that, nevermind friends. At least then it should be less awkward. If you’re friends are worth their salt, they’ll understand.

Whether you tell him, fade him or not, this should make things easier with the people who matter to you.

igotchugirl · 2020-10-05T00:14:46+00:00

I know people are encouraging you to just phase him out and know that this is absolutely not your responsibility, but I think it might help if you flat-out explain to him how his choices don’t align with your values. I’m tired of men getting away with no consequences, they need to start learning that being sexist or irresponsible results in negative repercussions. If he values you as a friend, that blow would hurt. If not though...yeah, just cut him off.

eveninghope · 2020-10-05T23:07:05+00:00

Personal anecdote that may be useful?: I actually just dealt w a LVM friend who was harshing my vibe. I tried to slow fade but every few days dude would msg me just to chitchat. Like, whenever I felt like I was in the clear, he'd rope me back in. I would tell him he's an asshole when he was being an asshole. I would also just leave him on r anytime he says something I don't like. He thought I was joking until I saw him IRL recently (he's roommates w my bff) and I absolutely just lost my shit bc he was being so fucking inconsiderate. And he was like, oh wow you're being serious when you tell me I'm a dick. So, he msged me again the other day, said something rude (jUsT jOkInG). I called him out and he said that he actually thinks he treats me better than his other friends. I was like, ok, you can talk to me like that but we will never be close bc I don't like how you talk to me. We have literally the same friend group so I can't just cut him off, but this has been enough to help with my own mental health, namely:

- ignore him when he's being a dick - like when they're like that they just want some sort of response. I can tell bc when I ignore him for a couple days he'll reach out and ask if everything's ok.

- if he doesn't get it, I call him out. I sort of think these dudes might just never have people tell them when they're hurting someone else's feelings. This works in the moment, but I'm not sure how lasting the impact is.

- general disengagement. We used to talk like all day every day, now it's just a few lines of text every few days, and not bc I'm reaching out. He clearly just wants to know he has some foothold in my life, but as long as it's minimal and benign, whatever, it doesn't bother me.

Anyway, I don't have a solution, but I'm also just experimenting with things to save my own sanity.

Title	How to cut a LVM friend from my life when we have many common friends?
Author	fim_de_semana
Upvotes	40
Comments	10
Date	October 4, 2020 6:00 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/j53bkd/how_to_cut_a_lvm_friend_from_my_life_when_we_have/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/how-to-cut-a-lvm-friend-from-my-life-when-we-have.1068372 https://theredarchive.com/post/1068372

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