I am an active user in this community using a throwaway account, so I've read the sidebar multiple times.

I want to preface this post by saying I neither defend, recommend, or excuse promiscuous behavior or time on the CC. This is simply reflection trying to figure out why my thinking isn't where Redpill theory says it should be.

Here's the situation: I've been with my SO for several years. I am very satisfied with the relationship, have no desire to stray or thoughts about it (nothing more than a passing "oh so-and-so is attractive, then moving on), no outside flirting and no moves to branch swing or act hypergamous.

All this is well and good, but what's throwing me for a loop is the fact that my n-count from before our relationship is high (12, two of which were women). Once again, I don't excuse this, and if I could do it all again I'd make different choices. Most of those experiences however were deeply unsatisfying and didn't bolster my self esteem any. There was usually little to no cuddling due to the nature of the hookup. They were in part so unsatisfying due to the fact that I could never orgasm in these encounters. In fact, I couldn't period, even by myself.

That is, until I met my SO. He changed everything in that area, and I was able to climax for the first time with him and then by myself when I tried. We are very sexually compatible, and he is the only person I have had good sex with.

I've done a little research on this, and I found out that for women, while oxytocin is released throughout sex, it is released in the largest amount slightly before and during orgasm. I'm wondering if I skipped the chemical bonding almost completely during all these hookups and that's why I have no positive associations with my experiences. I also wasn't necessarily sleeping with Chads anyway.

What do you all think? Does this have any bearing on why I'm far more excited and tempted by the idea of planning menus and keeping house for our future family unit than the idea of a night with Chad? Or does it have more to do with shaking off the feminist hive-mind, looking to the positive example my parents set in their marriage, and finally maturing into following my instincts to be in a monogamous relationship rather than participate in hookup culture? I am very attached to my SO and don't have the internal struggle I've seen from some users posting here.