So, I've been legally divorced now for about 6 weeks (yall may have seen the titular post) now and I'm trying to take comfort in doing things I was never allowed to do (is that as fucked up as it sounds). Today, I walked my child to school wearing my luchador mask. I asked him if he was okay with it first, I don't want to make school any harder for him than it is already. And God damn it felt good. I refuse to go through the next 37 years of my life feeling guilty and ashamed everytime I gather the courage to be myself. It's no type of way to live, and it's an even worse thing for your child to see and follow. Very few thing tug at me like "why are you always crying dad" does.

A bit of context. There's a serious history of psychological and psychiatric issues in my family--a bit in hers but nothing like mine. About 5 years ago, I realized the life I was living was not going to work anymore. I was abusing drugs and alcohol and not in therapy or seeing a psychiatrist--2 things that are unfortunately essential to me being a somewhat productive human--somewhat productive. It's nothing to write home about. I've always seen therapists and doctors off and on since I was like 10 and had been diagnosed with depression and panic disorder for years. However, during everything that followed, I was diagnosed (after seeing like 7 doctors. It's rediculous) as being bipolar and having severe adhd as well as ptsd and mild aspergers. My son is diagnosed as having adhd and aspergers (he's 8). In short, we're weird.

I've always been a big wrestling fan, but kept it stifled because it's "not cool" to girls, starting when I got into highschool and decided I didn't want to be a virgin anymore--it worked too. As was approved for social security disability about a year ago and got a substantial amount of backpack (and my ex wife fucking BLEW through it and then said she wanted a divorce--weird how it went down in that order, huh). So I learned and accepted that I had a disability and that it's only going to keep getting worse and recognizing a lot of things people said to me were abelist bullshit. I learned that there was some shit I simply could not do no matter how hard I tried and I was just beating myself up about it. And it was a bitter pill to swallow.

At my therapists advice, I got back into wrestling and videogames, and started to speak up for myself and let people know that there are things I can't do and just because they can't see them doesn't mean it's not true. Like, several doctors a lawyer and a federal judge determined over a 4 year period that I was disabled and that I couldn't work (honestly, I don't see how anyone scams that system. It's a pretty rigorous vetting process) and do lots of other things, perhaps those that are closest to me should stop acting like I'm full of shit. My wife at the time did not like this. She started telling me that I was "playing the victim." Which is really fucked up because I have ptsd and she knows how it happened. I am quite literally a victim, and I try very hard not to use it as an excuse for shit. And when she would insist I could do certain things and got angry, I started hitting her with "would you say that if I had MS," and she really really didn't like that.

I ordered an awesome lucador mask to wear as a covid mask. She acted like she had fucking died. She didn't like this nerdy shit, and she missed there being drugs and liquor around all the time. She missed the party, and she was bored. So I then ordered a half luchador mask that didn't cover my whole head for a covid mask to offend her less. No dice--she hated them and forbid me from wearing them either publicly or at home. I switched to bandanas (I lose shit all the time and keeping it tied around my neck solved this) and even after awhile it was no. I don't like those either. You embarrass me. I kept wearing the God damn bandanas--I hate those surgical masks and I think it's just sensory shit for me, but they make me super anxious.

Today, for the first time since I got it about a year ago, I wore the fucker in public. Everyone stared and I could see them whispering, and I did not give a single fuck. I like it. It makes me more comfortable and relaxed. It makes me happy.

Fuck her--lying cheating abelist ass bitch. She looks like a God damn Dollar Store Harley Quinn now.

TL;DR: My wife hated my luchador mask and never let me wear it. I wore it today and it felt really good and fuck her. But not literally of course because at this point I'd rather stick my dick in a light socket.