Trying to find a way to deal with my wife.

jmbrigadier · 2021-10-23T03:39:21+00:00

counter attack and file a report for defamation

Raychao · 2021-10-23T04:36:14+00:00

When I ended the relationship my ex she retaliated in the same way she accused me of 'psychological abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse and child abuse'.

It took 4.5 years to fight in Family Court but in the end I ended up with sole parental responsibility and primary custody. She was ordered to pay my costs on an indemnity basis.

We had a female judge too..

Believe me, the Courts see this stuff all the time.. If she doesn't have evidence this can backfire on her enormously.. Just keep doing the best thing for the kids..

I feel for you mate, we are here for you..

OldEgalitarianMRA · 2021-10-23T03:52:09+00:00

You seem really bothered by these accusations. When made in family court, accusations of abuse are probably more common than the other way. Those get settled out of court. When there is a fight over anything allegations fly and no one believes them. You shouldn't either.

Be strong for your kids. Don't let her allegations rattle your 50/50. Sticks and stones and when time goes by it's all forgotten.

purplelightofRED · 2021-10-23T08:52:24+00:00

Get a good lawyer and demand that she produces evidence of this violence. If the judge refuses, appeal his decision and take to a higher court and also petition to have that judge reviewed for misconduct and bias. Keep escalating. Sooner someone will see and call in the cavalry.

Look, guys need to come together. We will lose this battle if you don't unite. Teachers, lawyers, mechanics... All of you need to agree to form an association that deals with inequality caused by "equality".

Your life must go on. And if not damn it by George go down with a victory of sorts! (DO NOT HARM YOURSELF)!!

Ephemeral_Levity · 2021-10-23T02:40:47+00:00

Get her on phone recording admitting it's not true

Human-Radio-8804 · 2021-10-23T02:35:38+00:00

that's a well known move millions of women make

my own mother did it to my father lol. mind you he was actually abusive to us kids, but she didnt give a shit about it, and even defended it, until all of a sudden she met a younger man. then suddenly she was agreeing with us that he was abusive haha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIvokacwkHI&ab\_channel=AlexanderGrace

Least_Chemical_7022 · 2021-10-23T08:48:17+00:00

I don't have any advice for you, but your post reminds me of just how vindictive some women can be. My last GF, someone whom I trusted very much, called me a fuckboi and all sorts of things to our mutuals after i broke up with her.
Some women have never been rejected in their lives.

caem123 · 2021-10-23T11:46:31+00:00

"Parental Alienation" is your offense, to be blunt. Judges are more likely to listen to a father on this subject in regards to your wife hurting the children. It will divert attention from DV claims and put her on the defensive.

--Reddit-Username2-- · 2021-10-23T12:49:33+00:00

Sorry you are going through this! I am going through something VERY similar.

Wife of > 10 years, divorce is almost wrapped up. She started making allll kinds of false claims…despite the fact that SHE assaulted ME after we had decided to divorce but before I had moved out. I really wanted to knock her out cold but didn’t touch her. 50/50 custody. I’ve heard the horror stories of family court and was really worried.

My best advice is to only worry enough that it helps motivate you. If the worry is tearing you down, knock that shit off today. You have a lot going on and you need to keep your shit together for your kids.

Family court has turned out to be great! All the bullshit stopped. Female judge. Ex got mad b/c she couldn’t sling her bullshit and yelled at my attorney lol. I instantly looked at her attorney, and could literally see the panic wash over her face as it hit her, “oh shit, my client is crazy.” A couple of weeks after that, she assaulted our oldest child during her week of custody (I had already moved out). He’s > 6’ tall and defended himself as he should, and she got pretty banged up. Police came out, and I now have 100% custody of him! I wouldn’t doubt if I have 100% custody of our other child within the next 12 months, and that would be great by me. Lol…the thought of her paying me child support is mouth watering after all of this.

Hang in there. DM if you need to vent/someone to talk to.

Iwilltrashyouon2K215 · 2021-10-23T21:07:42+00:00

Sorry to hear that man, it’s sad how a woman can just lie and say you did something you never did. I was once in this situation man and it mentally drained me for a while. Good luck Brother.

annnoonnnoonn · 2021-10-23T08:47:10+00:00

Date and time cross-reference with phone billing, messaging apps, internet search history and bank statement. When she says it was done at a certain time you could have been at the shop, playing video game or messaging someone.

Pleasant-Throat-8107 · 2021-10-23T03:15:53+00:00

No matter what she says, try to stay focused on what you do have rather than what you dont or what could be better. You dont have pancreatic cancer with Dr's telling you how long you have remaining. You dont live in a homeless camp and suffer from alcoholism. You got alot to be proud of ... just do you, and stay positive. You gotta lotta life to live ... Your kids will grow up, learn to drive, go to prom and graduate. Being there for that makes life worth living

2021-10-23T04:45:42+00:00

Has anyone seen the series Maid?

I found it very enlightening how the DV system works in the USA.

I think that in any marriage you could look back at incidents and classify the as emotional DV from either side. What does this even mean?

OP, I don't know whether or not you are a good guy or arsehole, probably something in between like most people.

What I do know is that the system is stacked against you, I also know that your life is not over even if things go her way. You need to try release your anger and resentment and look for positives. She is playing the system and probably being pushed by a lawyer, the lawyer is probably making her believe the allegations she is making. Possibly you can find situations where she has emotionally abused you.

lordtyp0 · 2021-10-23T17:04:21+00:00

Accusations of abuse are common tactics in divorce. Judges see it all the time.

Keep a journal with dates and every interaction. Just the facts. Work on proving you are a good father. Don't lose temper. Don't yell in any meeting. Don't make disparaging remarks. On Accusations just say "we both know that didn't happen" and don't allow it to be dwelled on in arbitration. Presuming nothing happened then there is no proof and behavior during proceedings is what matters.

Document bad things she did. Just ensure they are in evidence but don't dance and scream and point to it.

Liars will lie. They always get caught.

Dembara · 2021-10-23T17:12:53+00:00

Talk to your lawyer, they know better than people online.

If she makes up dates and details, you are going to want to collect as much documentation around those dates as possible. Your attorney should be helping you with a lot of this and helping to argue that her testimony is less credible than yours.

bigdtbone · 2021-10-23T17:20:02+00:00

If you are living separated then you need to put cameras that record 24/7 in your house, all common areas and in your bedroom. Kids rooms and bathrooms are a no. Then, don’t be alone with kiddos in their room or the bathroom.

If the kids ask why they are here, tell them the straight truth. Your mommy has been telling people that I hurt you when you are here. These cameras help to show everyone how much I love you and that we don’t hit each other in this house.

Same thing in the car, have dash cam that face in and out. Get the one that comes with a GPS and record your driving speed too. Can’t ever have too much proof that you are safe.

itchyotcthy · 2021-10-23T12:31:20+00:00

I'm not in your position and not been there but have/had my own set of 'first world problems'.

The comments give a lot of information and good information.

I would secretly start recording everything - iPhone ! use the Voice Memos App. I've done that sometimes (in therapy) and whilst it doesn't pick up everything perfectly clear (I was amazed at what it did pick up in my backpack sitting on the floor on my chair and I would have the zipper open and the microphone there at the zipper for the pocket, one can practice this) it came in handy to listen to after the evsessionnt and hear what I said and the (in this case) what the therapist had said. I felt like a total spy/sneaky person but what I actually learned was that sometimes I talked a load of crap and it helped me to change how I do Therapy. I have never told the therapist. I also see it as a way of checking my self and what I said, apart from the 'crap' but to hear the inclinations from our voices - does this make sense? I am thinking, that right now you have a conversation with her/anyone and then later cannot remember things - maybe because it seemed so unbelievable or emotions get in the way and one cannot remember things. **Even if nothing comes from these recordings, I found it confirmed that I wasn't totally wrong in what I thought or believed and in some cases - yes, I had heard incorrectly and 'kind of' fucked up. If you do record things, you might realise how you are reacting or being manipulated, or saying things that could be used against you later... I hope this makes sense?

I see two streams happening here: 1) there is the reality that she is saying/doing such things whether you like it or not; 2) you need to handle yourself and this situation and try and - right now - separate them for your own sanity!

I can only suggest that you find someone to vent with, to unload with - all your emotional 'stuff'. Whether that is a therapist/grandparent/best football mate/best art gallery companion/drinking buddy - doesn't matter... Personally, I would have to get things off my chest but they can be quite separate versus the reality of being dragged down and taken to court and fought over as if you were the most evil son of a bitch not his earth.. You can mmm pull it back together later.

Example: before my 40th birthday my mother died, my father was already dead from a horrible car accident 13 or so years previous. I knew at the funeral I would, normally/want to, fall apart - I told myself that 'right now we are not going to be sucked into all the emotional stuff on the day and would deal with it later/before hand as best I could'.

I gave myself permission to cry after the funeral if necessary. What happened was ! Best funeral I'd ever been to. I didn't allow myself to fall apart when people would say 'are you alright?" Very loving of them but I wanted to be abnormally strong.

The next day! I screamed, shouted, cried my heart out. I was pleased I did it this way and was able to process the day better, know that I could fall apart afterwards.

Build your relationship with your Lawyer, rock solid. Follow your gut if something they say doesn't agree (fall apart later with the buddy) or you don't understand... ask Questions - remember you are secretly recording all this 😬

Keep everything until it is well and truly over. Make back ups of your computer. Get organised about all this.

I'm sorry if it sounds to much/little, but I'm so emotional sometimes and forget things and wish I'd done some of this for normal living. Example: apply for a visa to live in Europe and then forgetting what the person said at the particular Embassy... But reacting with pure emotion afterwards... In the end, I got what I wanted and it worked in my favour but would have been better on my nerves if (for example) I'd recorded the interviews and then could listen afterwards... With my own therapist now I've become more direct, more spot on... even if shitty, crappy things are said ... I just go for it 'more'... not tricked by myself or them... its not that bad and I'm privileged but just saying...

Have a massage to help relieve the stress. Like hot baths? - do it. Long showers - do it. Swimming, running, whatever it takes to keep you alive - knowing that once you get to the other end, you will be different - no matter what the outcome and then the next door, good or bad, will be open and you can make further decisions.

I want to say 'good luck' but it is not luck you need but the Best you can offer of yourself...

So, Good Strength and Good Thinking with your planning.

rajkrisme · 2021-10-23T14:42:47+00:00

Ask your lawyer how you can escape from this? Ask him if you can counter file a case on her for falsely accusing of physical abuse?

Iceman_Hottie · 2021-10-23T14:27:47+00:00

Probably not the nicest suggestion, but keep the records and when they get older if they ask about what happened between you and your ex say nothing just show them the court documents. Until then maintain the "it was not done lightly, but right now you are not ready to fully understand what happened and I do not want to missrepresent things" position. Is this kind - no, but very just.

Good luck to you.

oppaipaidaisuki · 2021-10-23T02:37:38+00:00

Just hang in there for the kids. Might not be the ideal picture you imagined all these years but you’ve got to hang in there for those kids even if they go through that teen “mom was right” phase. They’ll grow up and understand. But don’t let them down by leaving or killing your self.
One day at a time. You’ll look back one day and can’t believe you ever thought of not being around.

RottingVillain666 · 2021-10-23T09:42:50+00:00

Goodluck dude. There is a way, but if i suggest it, i would break the rules of the subreddit. But it's a very common denominator in italy and colombia

WingsofSky · 2021-10-23T06:05:28+00:00

You need video recording and maybe a friend to protect you from her accusations.

just-a-suicidal-guy · 2021-10-23T14:09:02+00:00

r/supportfortheaccused

kyle8789 · 2021-10-23T12:26:30+00:00

Hitman

Business_Hyena67 · 2021-10-23T04:01:32+00:00

I'm sorry but you lost this fight when you decided to marry her instead of just living together. You should've known how laws don't give a shit about men and how half of everything you earned with hard work will be given to her in a whim. Now you are just living consequences of that mistake. But I can't really blame it all on you when the whole society pretends like marriage is a great thing for men when there is zero benefit.

Now all you can do is stay sane and don't do anything stupid out of a sudden anger. And don't get married again after divorce.

AlmostTomcruisee · 2021-10-23T13:43:35+00:00

No. Divorce her.

wasistdas7 · 2021-10-23T13:47:13+00:00

Has a GAL been appointed on the divorce case? If so, the GAL can help disprove false allegations (if the GAL is decent, that is). In my state, an attorney can request that an appointed GAL be disqualified if they feel like the appointed GAL will not be a suitable fit for case, so that another GAL can be appointed.

antifeminist3 · 2021-10-23T14:04:50+00:00

Can children testify? I recognize that this can put one child in an adversarial position against one parent, but their testimony is relevant.

_Maxie_ · 2021-10-23T17:46:36+00:00

Parental alienation is a good bet, or, y'know talking it out if she's willing

pappo4ever · 2021-10-24T06:49:50+00:00

If she does, i dont think I can go on with my life.

Dude, what happened to you happens to about 50% of men. Yes, its terrible, and she will lie. It's standard practice and likely shes repeating word-by-word what a lawyer tell her. They expect you to deny everything and reach an agreement. The judge likely won't believe her but he has his hands tied, can't go against a woman, its career suicide.

Your life will change a lot but it will be way worse for your kids, and if you kill yourself then life will be hell for them. Imagine leaving them alone with a women like that. See all the girls on the street and the boys in the jail? those are fatherless children, what happens to you is terrible but what will happen to them is way worse if you kill yourself. So endure, if only just for them, until they get strong.

And don't believe for a minute that the kids will swallow her history like a judge does. They will judge her very harsly at the end and life is very long.

fishmonger7 · 2021-10-28T07:31:22+00:00

My asshole of an Uncle went through the same stuff, in his situation the judge did not give a damn about proving anything and sided with the woman in the situation. The money he pays in alimony is matched by his state and paid to the judge I believe to allow them to support women etc. I would not be surprised if her lawyer is giving her this advise. I’d recommend reaching out to other men who’ve divorced as well and get tips from them.

Weary-Entrepreneur90 · 2021-10-23T23:48:25+00:00

Choose to be part of your children’s lives, or not to. If you choose not to then just stay away from them until they are out of moms house at least. Hide your money because the court is coming for it. You can’t win this. The mother won’t abide by visitation rules but you have to. The courts are rigged, it’s bigger than you , you were just socialized and given the sugar and spice narrative about women. If you fight for your kids then the courts will make you pay and put you in the poorhouse .

Mentor young men and tell them women and children are traps. And if they want sex, seek a professional only. Learn from other men’s mistakes .

Title	Trying to find a way to deal with my wife.
Author	OhMyThiccThighs
Upvotes	356
Comments	59
Date	October 23, 2021 2:31 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/qdvzzv/trying_to_find_a_way_to_deal_with_my_wife/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/trying-to-find-a-way-to-deal-with-my-wife.1082332 https://theredarchive.com/post/1082332

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