This is the only time I will advocate for communication! I am not a self defence expert, but I do have some experience in successfully handling unsavoury situations.

I am concerned at discussions relating to self defence weapons/tools.

Never pull out a weapon that you aren't 10000% confident in using. There is a huge risk of injury to yourself. Men are stronger than women and you may be easily overpowered.

Not only that, but many people do not have the mental capacity to harm another person. It's extremely likely that by the time you pull the weapon, you will freeze. The other person may not.

There is also a huge risk of law enforcement action against you. You must understand proportionate action: if a man yells in your face and you pull out a gun and shoot him in the face, that is a disproportionate response. If a man tries to grab your bag and run away and you pull out a knife and slash him as he runs away, that is a disproportionate response. You will probably be prosecuted.

If you must carry a weapon, please ensure you practice, practice, practice! Know how to handle that particular weapon. Understand what grip is effective. Have an idea what it will feel like to use against a human. Figure out if the weapon has weaknesses, or is flimsy, or can bounce back and hit you. Always remember the goal is to defend and go! Never keep attacking!

Not many people will go to these lengths to understand how to inflict damage onto another person and escape. Most people will buy the self defence tool with very little practice and move through the world with misplaced confidence.

We all know there are genuine stranger-danger risks. However the risk of attack is much greater in established relationships with partners, family members, colleagues, neighbours. Realistically, are you going to pull out your self defence tool against these people in a domestic setting? Probably not. This is what inspired me to write this post.

SITUATIONAL AWARENESS

Women have very good situational awareness. If you haven't already read "The Gift of Fear", please do so. The FDS Handbook is particularly helpful for situational awareness in relationship scenarios. Trust your instincts.

Cooper's Colour Code of Awareness:

This is a helpful chart to understand appropriate levels of situational awareness.

WHITE - You are completely relaxed and unprepared.

YELLOW - You are relaxed but alert.

ORANGE - You have identified a potential threat.

RED - You have identified an actual threat.

At levels YELLOW, ORANGE and RED, you will be able to use your instinctive fight or flight to your advantage. This is because you are prepared.

At level WHITE, there is a possibility of your instinctive freeze response preventing you from taking appropriate action. This is a risk to your safety.

Ideally, we mostly want to be in YELLOW. Chances are you are at YELLOW when out in public. You may be at level ORANGE when alone in public at night. Realistically when you are at home, you will be at level WHITE. This is important to think about in domestic situations, particularly in relationships. When you are at level WHITE and something happens, you are less likely to be prepared for an assertive response.

Practice, practice, practice! Try to think about what level you are at as you go about your daily life. Become confident with it.

COMMUNICATION SKILLS

The words you choose to say have very little impact. The most impactful communication means the tone you use, the volume of your voice, how long you talk for, your facial expressions and your body language.

Confidence and assertiveness is key here.

Let's think about a scenario where you may have moved to level ORANGE - you've identified a potential threat.

You want to be calm, confident and assertive, never aggressive. Hold yourself with confidence. Don't walk too quickly or too slowly and move with purpose and focus. Speak clearly, loudly and calmly. You want to make yourself less of a target and knock a bit of common sense into the other person who may be a threat.

CRISIS CALLS

Let's say the scenario moves to level RED - an actual threat. A person approaches you aggressively.

Practice, practice, practice this!! Short, sharp and loud commands:

"NO!!"

"GET BACK!!"

"STAY AWAY!"

"FUCK OFF!!"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

I have to emphasise SHORT, SHARP and LOUD commands. You need to SCREECH these commands. This is to startle your attacker either to their senses, or to give you enough time to escape. This will also alert passerby's that someone needs help.

Facial expressions: Screech the crisis calls with the purest anger on your face. I'm talking the meanest, fiercest, most lionness face you can pull! Be a scary mofo!

Men are more used to women being passive. This technique is likely to startle a man because he may not expect it.

DOMESTIC SELF DEFENCE

As I said earlier, there are genuine and real risks of stranger danger attacks and self defence tactics commonly focus on those scenarios. Statistically, you are more likely to require self defence tactics in domestic scenarios and unfortunately self defence classes rarely, if ever, focus on these situations.

At home you are likely to be at level WHITE. This makes it hard to defend yourself if someone suddenly does something. I can give an example which I'm sure you can all relate to: I was sitting at home with my boyfriend at the time. I started to fall asleep (awareness level WHITE) when he roughly shook me awake and shouted at me for falling asleep in his presence. Suddenly I was level RED - I was confused, disorientated, frozen - and I APOLOGISED.

These situations are harder to defend due to the insidious way it can creep up, so alway be on your guard. FDS vetting strategies are your friend here.

What may be helpful is having an idea how you can quickly move from different levels of awareness.

The best form of self defence in these circumstances are boundaries, assertiveness and confidence. In short: communication skills. Follow FDS. Know yourself, your boundaries, your values and never lose sight.

Practice, practice, practice and be confident!