How can I improve my tendency to be sexually frigid?

lunavicuna · 2022-01-05T22:16:12+00:00

the diconnect between your sex drive+fantasies being *up here* and your experience being *down here* is in part what's causing this, and probably so long that you haven't acted on any of them that you've built it up so high.

what can help is telling your bf that you're extremely anxious and want to be open with him and not clam up. you can tell him if you kiss, would he mind if you ask him to stop when you feel yourself clamming up? this will really help a lot.

CigarettesandAsh · 2022-01-05T20:16:25+00:00

I'm afraid of being so vulnerable.

I quoted this because I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't have the exact same issues but I also have problems with being in the moment and really enjoying intimacy. For me it's definitely about being afraid of being vulnerable and open. I recently read 'Daring Greatly' by Brene Brown which is essentially about how being vulnerable creates an engaged, fulfilling life. It's not about sex in particular, but it examines how a lack of vulnerability can damage all areas of our lives. Perhaps most importantly it's made me aware of how I use anger and being disconnected from life experiences as a shield, and how that is sucking all the vitality out of life.

On a more practical note, something I'm trying out lately during intimacy is just a little mantra that goes something like 'I am safe, I am loved, and he will not shame me for my desires'.

As for the sexting relationship you want, would it be possible for you write about sex without it being sexting per se? You've let him know that you're shy, so maybe when you come to that point where sex is in the table, let him know you're writing him a letter/email with your sexual desires/interests. From the little things like 'I like having my inner thighs touched' all the way to 'My heart races when I watch BDSM porn' or whatever.

oliveshoot · 2022-01-05T18:37:44+00:00

If you could identify your emotions at the time of their peak, would you say you are mostly dealing with anxiety or shame, or perhaps an equal amount of both? Your emotions are clues as to what is going on in your heart, and your beliefs also impact your emotions too. I recommend journaling about the things that are driving these emotions. You can take those emotions and decide/analyze what is or isn’t good later. If you are still practicing your faith, you can take those feelings and pray about them.

On a practical note, in my research on nutrition, women who have high androgens/testosterone often drink spearmint tea, which naturally lowers testosterone temporarily.

On a relational level, if your boyfriend isn’t enjoying sexting, perhaps this is causing you to feel vulnerable. It isn’t wrong to hold your sexual desire in check for the good of your relationship. In marriage, that’s what is sometimes called for, for the good of the other person for a short period of time. I think you understand this. Another thing is that communicating with him about sex and that you feel vulnerable (yet still desire him greatly) would help you to feel more comfortable taking your relationship at the pace that is best for you both.

Edit: I see that you are already on the same page and communicating with your boyfriend. Awesome.

CountTheBees · 2022-01-05T23:08:20+00:00

Sexting is very disconnected from actual intimacy. It's basically porn/masturbation. Not sure why you think it would help solve your problem with physical intimacy, as you yourself say:

I felt comfortable sharing my desires and opening up more to him through text than I have face to face in person.

For starters, can you try telling your boyfriend about your problem, not downplaying it as "a bit shy", but the panic attack bit?

And a little bit more detail about your addiction. When you went cold turkey, how old were you? And were you cold turkey when you froze with your ex? How/when did you relapse?

Edit: have you ever considered therapy?

_Glory-to-Arstotzka_ · 2022-01-06T03:41:56+00:00

Did I write this? Reminds me why I've written as much as I have about purity culture and it's toxic effects on how Christian women relate with their own sexuality. (I don't know if you are Christian, so forgive me if I assume you are.) I haven't struggled with porn, per se, but daydreaming constantly about sexual encounters might as well have been. Likewise, I was a virgin (until I got married) and even panicked when one of the guys I dated asked to hold my hand. Imagine that! I was so out of tune with my sexuality that when I did have my first kiss with the man that would eventually be my husband, I literally felt nothing. It was such a surreal experience. I continued to kiss him because he was very attractive to me but it took months before I actually enjoyed kissing. Same story with sex.

It was definitely in part because I was afraid of being vulnerable with the wrong person, but it was also because all my sexual experience up until that point was entirely within my control. Sound familiar? Porn, daydreams, masturbation: in the end all of these are in controlled environments. The idea of not only letting my partner have some control, but most or all control (if you know what I mean) caused me to freeze up in fear.

If no one's told you yet, it's actually very natural that you feel shy about these things. So how did I break out of that to have a great sex life with my husband? It took a few key things, although they overlapped quite a bit.

First, which is something you alluded to in your post, was becoming comfortable and confident in my own body. Working out, getting better (feminine!) clothing, getting out of my comfort zone to talk to strangers, jumping back into writing to post online, and applying advice I learned from recommended books all became ways for me to accomplish this. As I became more active and preoccupied with my own life, my daydreaming went from almost debilitatingly invasive to a passing thought. All that sexual energy that was trapped in my head and spent on dreams I was able to put to better use.

The second thing that happened was opening up to the guy I started dating a few months later. I told him about the handholding story and how I was a kissless virgin. We were LDR at the time (lockdowns and all that jazz) but he told me when we met up he would kiss me, and unless I had moral issues with it (he's also Christian) that he was telling me, not asking. And when we did meet up within the first 5 minutes he kissed me. From there he continued to ramp things up, only stopping to ask about any moral issues I might have with what he wanted to do. But boy did he take what he wanted. That kind of assertiveness and active (at times aggressive haha) desire not only made him more attractive to me, but bit by bit it made me more comfortable with my own sexuality. I know you said your boyfriend has been supportive and comforting, but honestly that's probably enabling this problem to go unresolved.

The last thing I did was to do what I would call "fear factor" it. No matter how afraid I was of doing something, especially with my (now) husband, I was determined that if I had no important reason not to do it I was going to go for it. Surprising him with a new outfit? Deep breath and pose in the doorway! Woman at my church I haven't talked to? People love sharing about themselves so I'll just go introduce myself and ask her what brings her here. To grow and change as a person you need to step out of your comfort zone. As you grow comfortable with those new things, you step out again and again until you look back and realize how large your comfort zone is now.

Let me know if you want me to elaborate or have any questions! If you're interested, we'd love to welcome you over at r/RPCWomen :)

Wheresthechimney · 2022-01-12T15:27:30+00:00

I think the first and only answer is seeking therapy both individually for yourself, and together with your partner. ❤️‍🩹

Title	How can I improve my tendency to be sexually frigid?
Author	swimmingindaisies
Upvotes	17
Comments	13
Date	January 5, 2022 6:00 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/rwsurm/how_can_i_improve_my_tendency_to_be_sexually/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-can-i-improve-my-tendency-to-be-sexually.1094463 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094463

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