Loosing Respect

girlwithasidecar · 2022-03-17T17:42:07+00:00

I read your post and my first inclination was that you have been having so many issues with this guy that it may be time to go your separate ways. But before I said that I wanted to rescan your posts.

You are very hot and cold. You alternate posting that is all wonderful or all frustrating and terrible. I think you need to do some more thorough soul searching.

First, what role do your own emotions play in this. Some people love drama. For others the fight-make up cycle makes them feel the love.

Beyond emotions -

Ask yourself how much your age and marital status are impacting your decisions. Are you staying because you are thirty and it feels like time. Are you picking fights because you are unhappy you are not yet a wife.

Are the problems that you are having deal breakers if they cannot be fixed?

Are you staying because you have been together so long?

What are your hang ups that are impacting your relationship and what are you doing to get past them? What are his?

Is he ever "right" when you have arguments? Are you?

What have you actually done to change the problems? What worked, what didn't?

This is a non-exhaustive list but it's a place for you to start reflecting from. Your posts dont follow the rules for asking advice (no one's do) and when they are so up and down, it's hard to tease out the actual issues and give meaningful advice.

And to be clear, I'm not asking you to share the answers but I think it will help you get a handle on the actual underlying issues instead of guessing what upsets you today.

pieorstrudel5 · 2022-03-17T23:46:46+00:00

Your post history is interesting. I am trying not to make judgements about you, but I have to say I am not shocked you continue to have problems. I'm also American - and so maybe the problems you are having are not completely relatable.

What is your goal by posting this to us? You seem as if you just want to rant and that's definitely a way to feel better. But ultimately, we are going to push this back on you to reflect. Once you calm down, what is your plan? How are you gonna be better for your SO so that you guys can come out stronger? How can you be a better hostess to his brother? I am one of those people.... I will kill you with kindness. I will be absolutely perfect and not raise my voice or temper just to prove how ridiculous someone else is being. And.... I win most of the time.

What are things you respect about your SO? What does he do well?

This is just my opinion, but you need to control your hysterics. It never helps any crisis or conflict. Trust me, every time I get hysterical with my partner.... It doesn't go well. So I have learned to come to him with my problems calmly. Doesn't mean the conversation isn't difficult, just makes it easier to talk.

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2022-03-17T20:45:48+00:00

Look. Ok. You are right. Your boyfriend sucks and is totally wrong. Now what?

It's time to get off the emotion rollercoaster and decide what you want to do about it.

saddensgirl · 2022-03-17T16:43:22+00:00

Are the bills currently being paid and does he have any money in savings? Also, I'm assuming y'all live with his brother. If that's the case, you might want to have a talk about you two getting your own place without him. I lived with my in-laws for a few months before my husband and I got our own place, and it really helped our relationship once we moved out to be on our own.

As for him not respecting your ideals, I feel like this may be a case of you two having differing opinions as to handle the unknown rather than him not respecting you per say. This is why you need to communicate and stop filling in the blanks of what he may or may not be filling with the stories you make up in your head.

When I went to therapy, this was something big I had to work on. For years my already overactive imagination would make up some story about my husband's actions and why they happened with stuff that had no real basis in reality. Basically I was projecting my own thoughts onto him, that were completely wrong and it eventually bred resentment in me.

It's already happening in you, so you need to stop it now. Sit down and talk to him, actively listen to what he says, and then trust him to take your concerns into consideration and lead you two in the right direction for your future. If you don't trust him to do that though, then you may need to seriously reconsider this relationship.

toastyhoneybutter · 2022-03-18T02:11:48+00:00

Your post history makes it seem as though you are treating this subreddit as a personal diary, especially since you don't seem to take much of the advice that you are given.

Taters0290 · 2022-03-17T21:21:59+00:00

It looks to me like you need to set some boundaries with SO regarding his brother (and SO needs boundaries with his brother). He is putting his brother ahead of you. If it was me I’d issue the ultimatum of brother or you and no brother living in the same house. He may choose his brother. He may choose him then realize his mistake. Either way, do you want to spend your life with him knowing you are second in line? I’ve been where you’re at, long ago. I seethed with resentment. Finally, after hub asked me to marry I issued the ultimatum, and the brother was booted out. My second thought is your relationship is absolutely none of his brother’s business. He’s seriously overstepping here. Jealousy is probably the root, but who cares. Years into our marriage I dealt with hubby’s mother meddling. I read Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward, and it gave me some very valuable insight and ideas on how to deal with the situation. I highly recommend it. I hope it helps you should you read it.

Title	Loosing Respect
Author	Bubbly_Window_6719
Upvotes	0
Comments	18
Date	March 17, 2022 4:08 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/tgdo8k/loosing_respect/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/loosing-respect.1107107 https://theredarchive.com/post/1107107

Comments