I am projected to earn 2-3x more than my boyfriend once I graduate. How do I use RP strategies to make sure he still feel masculine and like a leader in the house?

_Ding · 2022-04-03T18:52:37+00:00

I think that if you simply feel like he’s ‘your man’ then there’s nothing you need to do.

Are you worried you’re going to look down on him once you’re earning more?

KombuchaEnema · 2022-04-03T19:30:52+00:00

My husband is the one who makes all the money and I do the accounting. In our dynamic, he still feels like the masculine/dominant one because it’s his money and I’m the sexy secretary managing it for him (I know that’s cheesy but ya gotta keep the spark there, you know?)

But you could also view it the opposite way: I’m the big brains managing the money and keeping everything in order, and he’s the one bringing the money to me on a silver platter. Thus he is the submissive one and I’m the dominant one. But I don’t view it that way. I consciously choose to view it the other way.

I’m using hyperbolic language obviously, but do you see what I mean?

If you look over the finances every once in a while and say to him, “Wow, I could never do that. I don’t even understand any of it! Thank goodness you’re so good at it. Thank you!” I’m sure he will feel on top of the world.

I view these dynamics as a sort of “fake it till you make it” sort of thing. If you start imagining him as the big smart bossman who takes your paycheck and makes the magic happen (either by investing or saving or whatever he chooses to do with it) then you’ll start naturally acting that way toward him. Handing him your paycheck and fluttering your eyelashes. “Oh my Mr. Bossman that sure is a big desk you have. It would be a shame if I…just laid down on top of it.”

Haha I’m kidding. But you see what I mean? As long as he’s doing important work in the relationship (and it sounds like he is), then there’s always a fantasy angle you can use to create that dominant/submissive or masculine/feminine dynamic in your head. Once it’s in your head, it becomes natural and you start subconsciously behaving within the framework of that dynamic.

tiprinz · 2022-04-04T01:25:12+00:00

Please forgive my bad english, not my first language.

I 'm male (53), my wife (51) now double my income. When we married it was the other way round.

This fact really doesn't bother me, neither then nor now, for me the most important of our relationship is not money but love, affection, and doing well in raising our sons.

But ....

As soon as she started to earn more than me, she also started trying to belittle me, in diferents ways, and one of the arguments she used (and use) is that I earned less than her.

I'm perfectly fine with my job and my salary, what really piss me off is that almost every week, she loose her temper and try to hurt me. That is is the real problem, she tries to hurt me.

In 3 years my youngest son will have 18, and he will be ready to go to university or whatever he choose. I don't know if I'll continue with her after that point.

My advice, don't fear your partner feelings about the income difference, instead fear your own feelings about this situation. The moment YOU start feeling umcorfortable, your relationship will be in serious jeopardy.

dashdotdott · 2022-04-04T02:05:10+00:00

I'm the breadwinner in our household now (34F). He was the breadwinner when I was working on my PhD. But we always knew I'd be the breadwinner. What helps us is two fold. First he's clergy (a priest), which helps because it is a position of respect in our community. Second is, clear communication. I've apparently started making some attitude changes when I got my first post-grad job. He called me out very quickly. It is actually a reason I married him: he doesn't take BS and will talk to me when needed.

throneless-lord · 2022-04-04T17:34:30+00:00

You have this backwards, OP.

It's not about him feeling less masculine about making less money than you. Men generally don't care. Money (resources) is not what men look for in a partner. But money (resources) is what women look for in a partner.

This is all about you, as a woman. Hypergamy compels women to seek men who are better than them. The title of the post should've been :

How do I use RP strategies to make sure my hypergamy doesn't make me see him as an inferior, so that I won't feel like I settled for less?

06534956 · 2022-04-04T23:08:55+00:00

Make sure that he is providing the basics for you. The bills should be covered by his salary. House, clothing, transportation, food, medical care.

Whether it’s coming from his paycheck or yours, it should be able to be sustained from what he is bringing in. That’ll help with him feeling masculine and like he’s doing a job.

If it were me, I would be living off his income and using mine to build wealth. My husband pays for everything, and I live an extremely comfortable life. My money goes to me and me alone.

OneInternational984 · 2022-04-04T14:00:23+00:00

If he doesn't care too much about money, it's unlikely he'll feel emasculated by you earning more. The fact that he turned down double his salary is proof of that. As long as you aren't bothered by it, there's no problem since he can feel masculine in other ways.

SeriousMaintenance76 · 2022-04-05T15:20:52+00:00

I am a high earner, currently making 200k a year and my Fiancé is at 0 right now as he is in a master program . Like most people said if you are not comparing his worth to it. It should be a non issue. I find the men who may be offended about this in scenarios where the wife isn’t belittling him are dead beats. If he has his own career and is contributing then I don’t see why he would feel anything towards his ego.

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