Something I wrote to myself

I don’t know if this will mean anything to anyone, but this is something I wrote to myself. I was already divorced (less than a year), living on my own (but still paying for the apt she was living in) but playing super “nice” because I got everything I wanted pending a move out of state (PA). Had to remind myself like a mantra…

I will be tested six times. Six times. I passed the first test. I must pass the next. I cannot risk that pain again. She has too many faces. I must remain ignorant of the others. For our daughter. I cannot hate her. For our daughter. I am so close to hating her.

I will be tested six times.

I am the man of iron. I am the core of steel. I am the unshakeable. I am the engine that drives. I am the mountain. I am the oak. I am not frail, or weak, or broken. I am not riven with pain. I am not shattered by deceit. I am resolute. I am not lost. I am the journey ended. I am who I was, and who I will always be.

I see what was. I knew those days. They have gone. There is no such thing as resurrection. There will be no happy ending. There is no version of this story that ends with unbroken dreams. The end has come and is long gone. Nowhere to hide anymore except in a broken box on the garage floor. The work of years, sacrifices and tears, screaming unheard from that broken box right behind the door. A whole life reduced to a pile of soggy insurance claims.

I don’t remember crying this much ever before.