What to do?

arcasul · 2022-10-02T18:31:34+00:00

I have left her (after she said I should leave her parents' house) leaving the 2yo son with her (otherwise the whole village would've come after me). 17 years relationship, fortunately not married.

Same as you, I didn't do anything good enough, she said I should not talk to my family unless she is there, she threatened she will throw herself from 12th floor twice, threatened me with a knife and so on...

So I decided I could not endure anymore after she asked me to leave, and I eventually started a trial for child custody. When she found out, immediately she started another trial on the same substance in a different country where she is with the baby.

So even though I want to find a solution to be close to my baby, it is not possible because she doesn't want to compromise.

So I am all alone in a different country, but at least am at peace. Started a diet and to exercise, and I really cannot go back to her no matter what. My ears heard things so dangerous and shitty that I really think is better for me to die alone than to be back with her.

Gattsama · 2022-10-02T20:06:54+00:00

Together 17 years, married 12 years, no kids, SAHW. We went dead bed Summer 2019, she told me to leave and took her ring off Oct 2021, I ultimately filed Feb 2022. We were never healthy. Everything that was wrong was my fault, we talked about this a lot, nothing was her fault. At best she would say when pressed that she loved to hard, and she choose to stay in this horrible relationship with me.

She had nothing (emotionally), she wasn't safe, I am a love vampire that sucks all the joy / happiness / love from our lives. She is only happy when I am out of the house (ie work). etc. etc.

Lots of emotional and mental abuse. She didn't ask me to leave because she wanted a divorce. It was another manipulation tactic. I was suppose to freak out, come back with my tail between my legs ready to be obedient. However, once out of the house I never felt more peaceful and stress free.

Don't know your situation, sent you a DM with a general overview of divorce. She can't afford the house, I don't want it, and neither of us will walk away from the equity in it; so have to sell.

In our case me terminating the relationship was 100% the correct course of action. We were not healthy together. If you can repair, repair. As for if you should terminate I ask these two hard questions:

1) If you had magic powers (consent and morals aside) and could snap your fingers and make a perfect relationship with her, what would it look like? How about in reverse?

2) If she dropped dead / alien abduction how would your life be affected and how would you feel? What do you think would be her life / feelings in reverse?

See for me, I came to accept that my idealized world would be (in summary): she's happy to be with me, we have lots of intimacy (emotional, physical, sexual) and 100% trust each other w/ total loyalty. Her ideal would be I'm a walking ATM that obeys her, and happy to do so with no complaints.

captainchippsixx · 2022-10-02T22:00:23+00:00

You have to say fuck it. It’s going to literally kill you. How are you doing physically as far as health?

You need to see a lawyer though on how it goes down in your state. It’s tough to pay alimony and child support and pay for 2 households if she is not working if you lose primary custody. You need a place that your kids can come and stay with you - so a 2 bedroom minimum.

1- start working out 5 days a week- get healthy and eat healthy. This will do wonders for you mentally. Don’t sit on the couch and do the tv from after work to bed. 2- start working privately on a exit plan. A to do list on your phone.
Do you need to secure your prized possessions in storage. Make sure you have some cash squirreled away. Will she freak out and make allegations against you? Plan plan plan. Is counseling a road.

Got to start the fuck it plan.

streetsmartwallaby · 2022-10-03T00:31:10+00:00

So you want to teach your kids one should stay in a terrible relationship? That it’s normal to argue every day and for you to be treated the way that you are? That it’s acceptable to be miserable all the time? Because that’s the lesson they are learning. Especially the 14 yo.

If you are honest and age-appropriate with the kids they will not only be fine you will be teaching them an essential life lesson.

Split from my ex-wife when kids were about five. Both are healthy and well-adjusted. Never put their mom down and always talked with them in age-appropriate language about what was going on.

MightBusiness7231 · 2022-10-03T06:59:47+00:00

I’m sorry. I’m in the same. 7 year old who doesn’t know yet and 3 year old girl. I would have stuck it out and just cheated but she made it clear she was trying to take the kids altogether.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2022-10-03T13:35:42+00:00

Best case scenario is you will only see your kids 50% of the time if you divorce.

Is the trade off worth it?

Everyone here will scream “Divorce her immediately!” But if you stay you get to see them and have a much bigger hand in their raising than if you divorce.

Once you divorce there is a good chance she will alienate the kids from you. This can be permanent.

No easy answers here other than young men don’t fucking get married!

qazinus · 2022-10-08T23:20:14+00:00

Having two happy parents is more important to kids than having a bigger more stable home with 2 unhappy parents.

Limiting the anger and yelling and showing them its hard but you're working on being happy is the best example you can show them.

Title	What to do?
Author	Competitive-Hat423
Upvotes	3
Comments	9
Date	October 2, 2022 5:52 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/xtv3fj/what_to_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-to-do.1133081 https://theredarchive.com/post/1133081

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