Struggling to file for divorce…afraid of the finality after 30 + years together…

Crosspost "Struggling to file for divorce…afraid of the finality after 30 + years together…" from /r/u_mshark2:

Hello…looking for input, thoughts, advice, motivation, perspective…. I’m 47, married at 18 years old, have 4 grown children, financially stable (me …not her …). Lived through a mostly codependent marriage with lots of controlling, manipulation, isolation and little to no sex (twice per year….for about 15 years…). Been through counseling (couples and individual). Told her I was unhappy 7 years ago (had been unhappy for years prior).

Got fed up and worked up the courage to leave 2 years ago. After being separated for a couple years and seeing how the dating scene is….and how the grass is not necessarily greener ….I am struggling putting the final nail in the coffin. I’m a good looking man. Finding women is not a problem. My wife/stbx says she has changed …getting real involved again in church….begging for me to come back….saying all the right things …doing all the right stuff….(I question her motives because I pay 90% of the bills….and why did it take me leaving for her to change …even after knowing that I was unhappy for years prior …).

I’ve typically been a “yes” man and just went with the flow. I don’t like to hurt feelings and I don’t like to rock the boat. I am working on self improvement and becoming more assertive (and less of a “simp”). I’ve met with the attorney, paid the retainer, the paperwork is ready….yet I still struggle to pull that final trigger. We’ve spent time together. I do like having a friendship with her, but not necessarily a romantic relationship. She’s told me that we will never talk again if I divorce her ….also she has made indirect threats about the kids (although they are grown….she still influences them heavily…nobody wants to upset “momma”). I look at these threats as potential tell tell signs that she still has controlling and manipulation issues.

It’s like she wants 100%….I only want 10-20% but I struggle with the thought of not having that 10-20%. So…I linger ….in limbo….for going on 2.5 years now. It’s not fair to me…or her. We were married way too young. Part of my reluctance may be sentimental. I need advice helping me sh-t or get off the pot. I welcome your input and guidance. Thank you!