I haven’t dated anyone for over a year. My ex was a toxic, very mentally-ill, manipulative piece of shit who walked all over me.

Since then I have gone out with 5 or so girls. Every single one being interested in the start, but then all slowly drifting away as I got closer to them. All of them were moderately to severely mentally-ill, sexually unavailable, and became less interested the more I showed interest in them.

I never liked any of them all that much, they were pretty and all, but they weren’t emotionally ready for a relationship. I just romanticized them because they were giving me female validation and affection, which I’ve been desperately craving since my ex.

Recently I had a friend, very pretty, but mentally-ill and emotionally unavailable, tell me she wanted to makeout with me. I told her I’d be down. I asked her the other night and she said “maybe” then never called me back or texted me about it or anything. Today she seems kinda distant. She doesn’t even treat me well anyways, and wouldn’t be a good girlfriend for me, but I still want her for the validation/intimacy.

Why do I do this to myself? Deep down, I know I’m better than this, but I don’t have the self-worth or willpower to find someone who’s right for me. I don’t feel like I’m good enough for a good girl. I just sit around waiting for the crumbs and tablescraps.