Advice for a woman who is ready for marriage but has Mummy issues.

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-01-09T19:26:29+00:00

I had a terrible relationship with my mother. She had a myriad of mental issues and refused to get help, despite being mentally and physically abusive for most of my life. I stopped speaking to her in 2014 and the last time I saw her was the day before they pulled the plug when I was seven months pregnant with my twin girls in 2021... the day after Mother's Day. I hadn't seen her in four years and it still breaks my heart that we couldn't find a way past our issues.

It never stops being hard, not having a mom. My Gramma has filled that role in so many ways, but she's 88 and I know that one day, I'll have to go on without her. Dating without my mom hurt. Getting married without my mom hurt. Going through IVF during a pandemic without my mom hurt. Spending four days in the ICU thinking I might die before my girls grow up after an emergency C-section without my mom hurt. Raising my girls without my mom hurts. Welcoming my baby boy a month ago without my mom hurt. I have a wonderful stepmother, but she's younger and works a lot and has four other kids. She's just... not my mom.

My advice is to accept and feel the pain when it comes and appreciate the maternal influences you do have, as I do with my Gramma and stepmother. I even have shows and movies I watch, just for the fictional mom vibes and wisdom. YouTube taught me to wear eyeliner at 23. It's been very healing to know that I can end the cycle. I'm working to lose my baby weight from my boy, because I want to live a long life with my children. I can't have a mother/daughter relationship like my friends do with their moms, but I can have it with my girls.

If you're interested, I have an anonymous blog I've been keeping for more than 10 years, where I've discussed my relationship with my mother in depth on occasion. It's not a solution, but you might feel less alone. It's belleofthelibrary.com.

zaftig_stig · 2023-01-09T19:55:56+00:00

For me mom issues = having issues with being a female.

I have a tough relationship with my mom. I'm pretty sure she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I could relate to some of the examples you gave. Also I have ZERO desire to have a relationship with her for reference, and I was never close to my dad, and he ended up passing when I was 18.

Things I 'learned' growing up: women's emotions were silly, men were better, and it was better to bottle that stuff up.

It's taken a long time to unlearn those beliefs.

I don't know if any of this resonates, but I've taken a lot of classes with Alison Armstrong. I feel like she really knows how to break down the masculine vs feminie dynamic and I no longer reject or push down my femininity. I never dressed like a man or anything, but for a long time I prided myself on not being your'typical female' (emotional & irrational).

I've learned to embrace myself for who I am and how I've been created and how it can complement the opposite sex.

Also the Gottman Institute has some great stuff. They put out a book a few years ago The Man's Guide to Women. For some reason I learned that what I wanted was weak or silly. This really helped me to accept I'm not weird and prefectly normal, if that makes any sense.

For example I love kissing, but didn't want kissing to always have ot lead to sex, even though it usually does, lol. But I was afraid to share what I wanted.

sunglasses90 · 2023-01-09T19:00:54+00:00

Basically, you have to decide whether you let this situation hinder your ability to have a fulfilling relationship and family of your own or not. You can’t change the situation, you have no control over it AT ALL. None. Some people let things they can’t control control them and some people don’t. It’s literally as easy, and as hard, as just making the choice which person you want to be.

I decided very young that I was the person who said “Fuck it”. And just dove full speed ahead into what I actually wanted and could control. Everything else could kindly fuck off. I’m not being a slave to other people or things I can’t control.

You’ve been enslaved 34 years. That’s a long time. Time is running out to start your own family. If you don’t break the chain soon I’d say buy a dog and prepare to die alone. That’s harsh, but you’re 34. You need a wake up call and therapists are often too nice and collect your money while your lifetime wastes away.

You can do it. Say fuck it and figure out what YOU want. Let mom go. You don’t have to totally let her go, but she can’t live rent free in your head 24/7. Learn to take her and accept the things in her you cannot change and focus on YOU. She doesn’t deserve your focus honestly.

anothergoodbook · 2023-01-09T20:50:27+00:00

Everyone is screwed up to some level. There’s no perfect relationships on any level. Some are much more awful than others (as you have experienced). I spent years trying to figure out how my “daddy issues” related to my life. I realized my dad was human and broken and I need to move on. I have 4 children. I will most certainly not get everything right. Having children honestly brought the most “healing” for me. I was able to see the difficulties of child rearing from my parents’ perspectives and it allowed me to forgive much more readily. My mom, with whom I had a distant relationship, is now one of my closest relationships since having had children.

I guess I realized now being 38 and a family of my own how much emphasis I put on fixing my past and not living because I was so tied up in resolving things. I’m not my dad. You aren’t your mom.

As for something to help? Maybe check out Jordan Peterson’s self authoring program. He has one where you delve into your past.

Ruffleafewfeathers · 2023-01-09T21:40:10+00:00

You sound like me early in my healing journey, my mom is a “functioning” alcoholic, suspected by my therapist of having NPD (she would never see a therapist because “she’s not the problem” hence a lack of official diagnosis), and was incredibly abusive my whole life. We no longer speak and I am doing much better without her in my life, but that comes with a lot of feelings to unpack. However, the difference between you and me is that I started my healing journey about a decade before you which means my fertile window wasn’t closing.

Unfortunately, if you want marriage and a family, you can’t afford to dedicate all your time to this, and it sucks, but letting this consume you to the point of not dating is honestly foolish if what you want is marriage and children. Keep going to therapy, but start investing in yourself and your own happiness instead of making your life an homage to how you were treated poorly as a child.

Your mom has taken up 34 years of your time, don’t let her take up any more.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-01-09T23:16:30+00:00

So, perhaps the easiest thing to do in terms of creating calm in your own life, is to simply tell yourself, whether it’s true, or not, that your mom did the best that she could with what she knew. I realize that’s probably not the case, but it helps one avoid torturing oneself over somebody else’s irrational behavior. Because really, some people are just assholes. It sucks when you’re related to them, and it sucks even more when they repaired, but that’s just how it is. Do not torture yourself. That’s the important thing.

AutoModerator · 2023-01-09T18:35:18+00:00

Title: Advice for a woman who is ready for marriage but has Mummy issues.

Full text: I am a 34F and have recently started my healing journey. We always talk about how lack of father daughter relationships impact women in finding love. I have the opposite, my relationship with my dad is amazing. My relationship with my mum however is really poor. I decided to grab the bill by the horns and go to see her to bridge the gap but left the next morning in tears.

My mum is avoidant, tries to convince me that things I experience and saw as a child are figments of mine and my sisters imagination. She is a liar who would tell people that we were not her kids. I never felt that she loved me and was told by a family member that she got pregnant with me as an experiment to test her fertility.

I realise that I have to be ok with a lack of relationship with her. The little girl in me in still striving to have that mother daughter relationship I always wanted but after our last interaction I have realised that it may not be possible.

Hardest thing I had to reconcile in my head is that parents are people and are not perfect. I also had to realise that I can no longer blame her and that she is the way she is because of her upbringing.

Any of you amazing women who have a similar story and are able to share how they have overcome or are overcoming this issue. Hell anyone with good advice would be appreciated. Article, books, podcasts and video recommendations are very welcome.

I love her but it will have to be from a distance.

Please help, I want love and a family and refuse to do to my kids what she has done to me. If you need any further info or clarification to aid you in your advice I am happy to share.

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jenna_grows · 2023-01-10T07:24:18+00:00

My bestie’s mum has so many qualities of someone with narcissistic personality disorder. So, no personal experience, but I’ve loved this along with her.

Therapy is hugely important. Finding the right therapist is really hard. And, if therapy isn’t an option, I would start by trying to identify how your relationship with your mother negatively impacts your life.

For example, my friend is a people-pleaser when she’s in love but she’s also very confrontational because her rights were also ignored. And there’s no balance. Etc.

Miserable-Read7597 · 2023-01-12T02:21:40+00:00

Adult children of emotionally immature parents is a great book/place to start

Title	Advice for a woman who is ready for marriage but has Mummy issues.
Author	GemJamJelly
Upvotes	10
Comments	14
Date	January 9, 2023 6:35 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/107m09k/advice_for_a_woman_who_is_ready_for_marriage_but/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/advice-for-a-woman-who-is-ready-for-marriage-but.1146335 https://theredarchive.com/post/1146335

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