FOMO, The Wall & Break-Ups: How to handle the anxiety and the pressure (23F)?

rosesonthefloor · 2023-06-30T21:49:43+00:00

You’re dealing with a breakup, and understandably your emotions are a bit muddled. You pretty clearly illustrated why he was not a great partner, and your reasons for breaking up are valid, so your feelings of wanting to return are probably from that fear of being alone/the wall that you mentioned, as well as a fear of the unknown. It also might be some hurt from feeling like he’s having an easier time post-breakup than you are. And you’re allowed to feel what you feel, but read back what you wrote and tell me honestly if you would tell a friend to stay with a man like that.

Realistically - you’re 23. You might feel like you’re “older” compared to your frame of reference, but statistically, you’re still right in your prime.

The Fear of the Wall and Why I’m Sick of Hearing About It does a great job of detailing why these fears are ultimately a detriment to your search for a good mate.

Here’s a good quote:

Is there a wall? Yes. Will you hit it? Yes. Should you be aware of it? Yes. Should you obsess or be afraid? No! If you obsess about The Wall or are afraid of it, you will most likely settle down with the first chump that comes along because you’re afraid you won’t get anything more.

That last line sounds like what you’re in danger of if you go back to your ex. Cut contact, and work on healing yourself from the breakup. Do your future children a favor by finding someone who actually treats you well; your relationship is what they will think love should be.

girlandglove · 2023-06-30T22:26:28+00:00

You are no where near the wall at 23! Ditch this loser.

I'm certainly not saying you should do whatever you want and that you have all the time in the world but sitting around worrying about some invisible wall definitely won't make you a better partner or increase your chances at finding your man.

I'd love to have been married by 25, in fact I said no to a proposal at 24. Then the man I was with in my late 20s was sadly taken from me too soon. But I am sooooo glad I didn't settle for that first guy because I was worried about "the wall". A life with him <<< life single, no matter how RPW I might be. If nothing else, I would never have experienced my second love.

Hell, I'm 35 now and though that puts me in a different situation for sure, I sure don't feel like I've hit a wall. I'm fitter, more confident, more economically stable, more emotionally mature, still very fertile, and all around a 10x better partner than I would have been at 23. I've never smoked, drank, partied, slept around, had kids or been overweight and I've always been religious, so my body count is low. I have way more to offer in softs skills than 23 year old me did. Would me as I am now on the inside but -10 years in age have a higher SMV? Of course. But that's doesn't mean I'm on the scrapheap at 35, I have no trouble getting serious interest from men in the 35-45 bracket.

TLDR: Ditch the loser.

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-06-30T21:56:01+00:00

You said it yourself, he wasn't marriage material and you're not getting any younger. You know you'd be wasting your time, and that it's important to you that you don't waste your time. Why self-sabotage? Aren't some awkward dates worth a lifetime of happiness?

You're contemplating prioritizing the short-term over the long-term, and it kinda sounds like the short-term still sucks. Crappy shouldn't be comfortable.

You're 23. If you make decisions now that you'll be proud of looking back on in a year or so, you'll end up with a great foundation for your life.

For your next partner, focus on these things:

You trust that if they make a mistake, they will work towards fixing it until you are made whole.
You're attracted to them.
You'd be beyond pleased to have sons like them.

I was critical of this post but I think it might benefit you. This is the rest of your life we're talking about, take the time to find someone who improves it. If it's not a "hell yes", it's a "no".

Vegetable-Wind6708 · 2023-06-30T22:37:32+00:00

I'm gonna be honest: I saw your age and didn't read your post. Dude, I wasn't even married until I was 25. Had two kids. Divorced at 33. Married at 38. Had a kid at 39. Life is what you make of it and you are truly at the very beginning. Relax. Find new ways to invest in you. Get new hobbies. Go on trips. Set a challenging goal for yourself. Do something wild or something you've secretly always wanted to do.

Dehydrated_Jellyfish · 2023-07-01T13:38:09+00:00

Came here to see what a 24 year old is doing talking about the wall, something a 24 year old has no experience to talk on and lol I found the girl who dated my ex. Yes, a 34 year old man dating a 23 year old was a sign. It’s easier for him to move on if he never saw long term with you and you know, a 35 year old man has more experience with break ups than you. Stop listening to male RP and thinking these single guys are good quality just because they are older than you. Stop worrying about the wall. I’m past the wall and I recently had a guy my age explain to me why dating at his age is harder so I should enjoy my twenties while I can. Which means to illustrate that the wall is very conditional and factors like a child like attitude can mitigate. The male RP paints a very unrealistic and false picture of the wall and post wall. Don’t let 14 year old boys repeating Donovan Sharpe duck up your chances. You shouldn’t be afraid of the wall right now. You should be learning to vet men better.

Another thing male RP spent talk about is the pattern of high earning male’s looking for women who earn as much but will still take the gender role. I’ve seen it IRL and online. People on this sub say a woman’s job doesn’t matter but there is an upper class of men for whom it matters a lot. They still want the domestic bombshell but they want her occupied with her life so she doesn’t creep in on theirs. If you are in a liberal city, you will find more men like this. Nothing much to do about it but look out and ask questions. The other thing male RP ignores is the pattern of mentally ill thirty something men who look like catches from the outside. Most of the time immature and unable to manage their life.

AutoModerator · 2023-06-30T21:28:28+00:00

Title: FOMO, The Wall & Break-Ups: How to handle the anxiety and the pressure (23F)?

Full text: I've recently left my second committed relationship and between my fear of the wall and my fear of making the wrong decisions, I feel tempted to go back. In fact, not only do I feel tempted, but I have texted him several times and initiated seemingly friendly, harmless conversations; checked whether he's back on dating apps already, etc. I'm worried I made the wrong decision but it did not feel wrong at the time.

I'm 23F and there's an 11 year age gap between my ex and I. That would've been enough of a sign for some people, but I didn't notice anything strange. He was a little emotionally unstable but I thought I could take care of him, make him all better and then - out of gratitude, out of habit - he'd stay with me forever.

Now, I was the one to break up. Throughout our relationship (lasted for a little over a year) he had gone from a little depressed to very depressed, smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, not showering and negging me on a daily basis.

Everything I did never quite measured up. If I cooked for him, I was coddling him. If I didn't, he missed the old days. If I (gently) reminded him to do something (such as going to the bank, or laundry - which I offered to do and he refused) I was too mature and serious all the time. The times he did accept help, he'd complain after; that I shouldn't have offered. If I stopped reminding him, not only would his life get chaotic, but I was also too withdrawn. He knew I was conservative and wanted to be a stay at home mom from the start but started pushing me towards being more career-focused, saying he usually went for girls that were high-earners or in the same field, etc. The job that I do, that pays all my bills, wasn't good enough (and it's absolutely nothing weird; just doesn't require a degree).

That all turned into him getting physical by grabbing my arm too tight one day. I let it slide because it was no big deal. It bruised, but it'd be fine. There were two other situations in which my consent (or lack thereof) was ignored. He apologized for both these situations but didn't seem to understand the gravity of the situation. It still got worse, more complicated, more tiring.

So I decided to leave. I thought that it would obviously not translate into marriage, and if it did it would be a miserable one, so why stay? But now that I've left, I keep thinking: it was easy staying with him most of the time. I didn't have to meet anyone new. I didn't have to go on dates and do that awkward dance. I'm 23, turning 24 soon; I have less time than I did before. I'm hitting the wall soon. I can do a few things to keep myself from hitting it in a year or two, yes, and I am, but it's still a reality I'll face eventually.

I also don't think that he felt the breakup as strongly as I thought he would. I felt he would protest it more. Care more. He has messaged me since then, he says he misses me... but he's keeping his distance. And I don't understand why it's easier for him to do that than it is for me.

Please feel free to pick apart all my thoughts and be completely honest.

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

TheBunk_TB · 2023-07-01T02:34:01+00:00

Weird question: what kind of lessons learned did you pull from the experience, at least from your end?

Title	FOMO, The Wall & Break-Ups: How to handle the anxiety and the pressure (23F)?
Author	thethrowaway4help
Upvotes	1
Comments	11
Date	June 30, 2023 9:28 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/14ncp86/fomo_the_wall_breakups_how_to_handle_the_anxiety/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/fomo-the-wall-break-ups-how-to-handle-the-anxiety.1223855 https://theredarchive.com/post/1223855

Comments