I wanted to share my experience with this sub. I only wished I came across this when my marriage was breaking up, and not after midway through the divorce process. All the theories here on female solipsism, monkey branching, divorce tactics used were spot on. And that's why I want to add on another case study.

Background and Context:

Married for 9 years, dated for 5 prior to marriage.

I was young and didn't realise she was a classic narcissist. Our lives revolved around her needs and goals. I was always struggling to meet her demands for time to be spent on her versus my work. She would be angry at me for leaving work late or having to work extra hours. She was never understanding when things happened outside of my control (work, family, health) that resulted in me not being able to be at her beck and call. She also alienated me from my friends and family, leaving me with very little connections outside of her world.

5 years ago, I really wanted to leave and prayed that she would too. By this time she was fully immersed in her career that was taking off, leaving me with nothing to look forward in life after having my network of friends decimated and my family alienated. I lost track of my own goals and aims in life apart from her. When complains and constructive suggestions fell on deaf years, including a desperate (and retrospectively stupid) suggestion for an open marriage, I sought solace in the comfort of the regular massage with happy endings (alongside attempting to restart friendships). I convinced myself these were not emotional betrayals and I never put her at risk of STDs.

She found out after a year, and threatened to divorce me. At this stage, I was willing to give her everything we had and get out of the marriage. It was a prison that trapped me and gave me nothing but misery. She had a change of mind, and wanted to work on our marriage. I gave in out of guilt and went for therapy as well as made a host of concessions to make her feel secure - letting her track my location, allowing her access to all my devices, ending all my budding social life again. It was good for a couple of years - we were inseparable, she gave me the best sex I ever had (when she was previously turning into a pillow princess), and we enjoyed shared activities. That made me accept being chained like a prisoner to her and having total loss of privacy and freedom.

Then she got pregnant, had our child, and everything fell apart. I did more than my fair share of the work, but she kept demanding more even while she was on maternity leave. I struggled again between work and household duties. I was surviving on very little sleep and aged terribly, despite having no time for myself - no friends, no family, no games, no movies/tv, no hobbies. Many nights, as I failed to console our screaming infant, I entertained thoughts of leaping off our apartment with our infant in my arms while she slept soundly in the next room. I pleaded her to get help or for one of us to take a break from work, but she refused all options. My suffering was not an issue that she concerned herself with. She could manage because her company had a stronger COVID policy that allowed her to be home all the time.

The Trigger:

She cheated with a colleague. I was happy for her that she was excited about her first work trip in a long time, and I took the time to bond with our child. When she came back, she was constantly on her phone, avoided me, and regularly went into the bathroom. Curious, I tried accessing her phone in the middle of the night, but she had changed her password. It was only in the morning that I found out what her password was and checked her messages. She panicked and claimed there were only flirty messages. Instead, I read how they had unprotected sex and slept naked night after night. The hypocrisy hit me like a truck. She used my past behaviour (using massages) as ammunition in all our arguments and guilt-tripped me regularly, yet cheated the first chance she could.

For a week, she did the classic monkey-branch, claiming she was sorry and wanted to save our marriage/family in one breath, while continuing the relationship behind my back. She downloaded a different messaging app to keep in contact with AP, faked a visit to family to speak to AP, and every other trick she could think off. Meanwhile I sensed her lack of sincerity in wanting to work on the marriage, and threatened to divorce a few times but she would always come crawling back. I was suffering from cognitive dissonance myself too. Even though I sensed her lack of sincerity, the thought that we would really divorce did not occur to me. I was getting frustrated at being stuck in this quagmire, with her repeatedly re-offending and me trying to get her to stop. She even convinced me to spend a few days in a hotel for us to "cool off", which she probably used to stay out late with the AP.

It took her engaging a lawyer for me to realise it was indeed over.

The Divorce Process:

She resorted to the typical tricks, trying to portray me as "escalating" in my behavior, in spite of me having never hit her, and her quite the opposite - having hit me and bit me leaving marks family and friends noticed and even threatening me with weapons.

When that didn't work, she tried to make me angry by making false accusations followed by insincere apologies. When I demanded a formal letter of apology witnessed by lawyers, she offered to let me slap her instead. This was an obvious bait to file protection orders against me. She also called the cops on me twice, once for accessing her devices (which led to me discovering the cheating), and once for threatening to tell our friends and family what happened.

We fought over time with our child, who would buy out whose equity for the home, child support and other details. It took me a lot of self-control to speak cordially, give in where I could, and reach an agreement with the ex while the lawyers happily dragged things on.

I lifted and reconnected with my friends. Started dating again, but lost focus on work as I sought to find an anchor for my own personal life.

The Current Situation:

Divorce is finalised after a painful 9 months without going to court, mostly due to my efforts.

I'm still worried that she might introduce the AP to our child. She seems to be still dating him, but has been frustrated at his lack of seriousness, which is a consolation. Lawyers have advised me this is something I cannot work into the separation agreement to prevent (e.g. to gain full custody if the other party remarries).

I'm still unable to move out yet, as the legal issues regarding our equity only started resolving after the divorce is finalised. This has been extremely painful, and I hope will change in the new year.

I had fun, but lots of heartbreak dating girl after girl consecutively. I realised I was just afraid to be single, and am now trying to learn how to be happy by myself before plunging in the dating pool again. I need to have a "take it or leave it" attitude to dating.

I'm trying to pick up the slack at work and rebuild my reputation. Management change occurred during my divorce, and all the good rep and goodwill I built up over years were lost overnight. That meant my struggles during my divorce were not overlooked.

TLDR; Lessons Learnt:

  1. When women cheat or signals an intent to, it's often not just for sex. They have mentally and emotionally separated from you and there is very little chance for things to be worked out, even if children are in the picture and in spite of whatever you may try.
  2. They will monkey branch, and lead you on until their relationship with AP is secure. Any efforts to save the marriage is often futile.
  3. Their lawyers will advise them to cast you as a violent person so as to obtain protection orders and keep you out of the house/away from your children. This helps their case for custody later.
  4. Once divorce is agreed, ex-wives are not even friends even if the situation is amicable. They are at best opposing negotiators, and at worst the devil in disguise. There will be no love lost and they will drive the hardest bargain for what they can get, disregarding any goodwill or decades of relationship.
  5. Lawyers enjoy prolonging the process. Sometimes you may need to exercise some judgment and control your emotions to focus on moving on with as favourable terms in the overall scheme of things instead of winning the battle against the ex. Living a good life after is winning the true war.
  6. Don't be desperate for a rebound relationship and end up miserable a short few months later (this is one lesson I'm still learning).