From what Ive seen, the "normal" life experience, a guy after 18 goes to college and works part time or gets a decent job right off the bat. He has friends and is exposed a decent amount to girls and thus, naturally finds a below average or even "mid" gf. Either this goes to marriage or they breakup, bro gets depressed and starts following the traditional self improvement route. Gym. Skincare. Social exposure and cold approaches. Investing into a side hustle and moneymaxxing, etc. Then he finds "the one".

You see this is the bare "minimum" I want to achieve myself. My goal right now is to just achieve this "minimum level". I tried last year when I was 18. I was studying at uni. I was working at a part time job. I tried socialising and talking to many people to make friends, flirt/cold approach, etc. NOTHING came to fruition. My coworkers started bullying me behind my back and pretended to be polite. THey barely spoke to me and when I spoke to them they always just gave each other looks and smirks. They were very toxic towards me and I was in such an awkward situation at work. I tried cold approaching women. Hundreds of them. At uni, at bars, at clubs. All went horribly. At the gym I made some progress. But it did not change the fact that despite using both finesteride and minoxidil I was balding. I tried the bald look and I never got so many laughs from people in my entire life so I grew out my hair again. I know that TRP recommends you looksmaxxx completely. I have done that. But that doesnt change that I am balding, short and still facially unattractive despite having a good physique which just makes me look kind of out of place all the time. Honestly though this doenst really matter. The real issue is hte social skills and social intelligence.

I have tried every single technique known to man for making friends and doing small talk and conversation. Mirroring conversation. Getting them to talk about themselves. Trying to talk about trendy interests, etc. INitially this works well but over time people think Im weird and start to bully or ignore me.

All this effort and toxic positivity led me to autistic burnout. And I feel like a fucking pussy for saying that. I dropped out of uni. Left my job. I became a friendless, broke virgin NEET for half a year before going back to university (but still not in employment) in 2023. The whole year I was so fatigued and depressed I just couldnt do it anymore. I accepted my disability and was kind of relieved. But now its coming back. The pain of comparison. The jealousy. My ego is breaking. I want it. I want it so bad. I want a job whilst in uni. I want many friends. I want to go out to clubs and bars and get invited to parties. I want to talk like an adult and not like a fucking socially underdeveloped child. I want to cold approach and get a girlfriend.

But im scared. I thinking about the loneliness and the bullying and shit I went through in 2022 when I was trying to overcome my autism. Im a storng person I know but constant comittment into something that doesnt bear results just doesnt sit well with me.

How do I change this? How do I become comfortable with this experience of constantly putting in huge amounts of effort and failing despite it. How do I motivate myself to continuously go through failure and actually enjoy it???? I dont give a fuck that i was given no genetic tools in being attractive and/or neurotypical. I was born unattractive and also autistic. But that doesnt mean I am willing to quit.

I dont want my parents and extended family to remember me as a broke virgin NEET. I dont want my school bullies to remember me like that. I want to show the world who the fuck I am. And I know what I have to do. I just dont know if I have the strength to do it.