Going to stores and walking in city very stressful. Takes a lot of planning, preparedness , dissociating with my disability and with that it’s still dangerous so I try not to do it but sometimes I take the risk. So when something unexpected happens / gets in the way i get really upset / overwhelmt I’m already near the edge

I use a backpack to carry things I need to to function like my comfort object, my noise cancelling headphones, medical stuff, and water, and sometimes money (not a lot I know to be careful). I also put stuff I buy in it because I have to walk everywhere I don’t have a car to put it in.

I went to store today, that I went to check out before Christmas. I also walkt there with my backpack and I felt unfairly watcht but it was fine whatever people judge me always. As long as they don’t do anything it’s fine. I saw when I was there amazing stuffed chickens and because of the traumatic event recent at the hellhouse (the tortured birds) I had a weird strong attachment to it right away and I wanted to hug him and keep him safe and it’d help me cope but he was too expensive so I left and I decided when I have the money I will get him.

Today was the day going to get him. I walkt again 2 hours to get him. Very stressful to go there but he was important to help me cope with 1 of the most traumatic things in my life. So I power through it for myself. I go in the store to get the stuffie and then workers made me stop and said I have to give them my backpack. Which was very stressful especially since it had my comfort object and my money in it. Trauma reaction kickt in and I let them take it even though I was freaking out in my head obedient because I don’t want to be punisht. I quickly got the stuffie and paid for it the workers gave me my backpack then I left.

It could be. Blanket rule. They enforce on everyone. But, it doesn’t feel that way, why didn’t they enforce it the first time I was there? why aren’t other bags like reusable shopping bags you can’t see through or big purses taken away? I t’s my first time not being allowt bakcpack , but I get treated as sketch / similar in other ways so I think it’s done with stigma against men perceived to be in poverty & disabled

I know it’s not a “big deal” like I wasn’t beat but I’m still upset. It stresst me out overwhelm and I hate being treated like a dangerous freak it makes me feel both mad and sad

When I got home the food I was planning my whole day I’d eat, the worker threw it out

I’m in my room writing this now . I’m still upset but I will feel better soon. Then I will cuddle my new chicken and feel better. I will protect him with my life.