Techniques for maintaining your frame in the face of tragedy and adversity- lots more questions than answers

cookem8 · 2014-03-11T04:56:53+00:00

I lost my father and little brother within a span of about 5 years. I haven't met a single woman in my life that was able to adequately support me during a difficult time without the relationship suffering. My advice to you is that if you have to lean on someone during a low point in your life, have it be either your male friends, your family members, or a therapist. Never your SO.

heist_of_saint_graft · 2014-03-11T14:44:54+00:00

This is why we're all fucked up. THIS.

I have heard the following sentiment expressed by girlfriends, exes, my sisters:

"Guys nowadays have NOBODY to talk to about their emotions. So when they get into a relationship, they unload ALL their emotions (depressions, insecurities) and it's too much for the girl to deal with."

We've been cut off from other men. Society mocks us for having feelings, insecurities about ourselves or futures, etc. Fuck all that.

Here's what you do: you find 5 guy friends that you can LET EVERYTHING OUT in front of. Sound like a faggot thing to do? Good, call yourself "The Faggots", stop caring what random strangers think of you, and DO IT.

You need those five guy friends you can break down in front of, cry, rage, etc. If you've known a guy since childhood but never had the dynamic, open up to him. Find guy friends at the gym or through a hobby. Find them on the internet if you need to, via TRP or another message board; there are people out there. Get phone numbers, hear people's voices. DON'T rely on "buddies" who aren't there for you and don't let you open up to them.

Look, we're human beings living through perhaps the most unstable society ever known. We need people to talk to. You're too old to unload all this junk on your mothers, guys. Find guy friends worthy of being your brothers.

redbluepilling · 2014-03-11T06:45:01+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2014-03-11T04:09:59+00:00

The only person you should ever rely on is you. This is why self improvement in all areas (mind,body) is critical. Know yourself. This is the foundation an unshakable frame is built on.

unsungman · 2014-03-11T10:38:08+00:00

It all depends on the person...

I've got a cringeworthy old post about how I dealt with a career setback while in a LTR (my last LTR which lasted 6 years):

http://unsungman.com/blog/posts/boom--bust/bad-times

I just decided that I had let myself go too far and so I ended the relationship.

I did love her (and still do in a nostalgic sense) but plenty of guys on here post about how women they spend time with don't really add "value" beyond what they (themselves) or another man can provide.

I mention that because a setback can blindside you while in a LTR. At the end of the day you need to be rational (male virtue) and assess where you want to be and how you want to deal with the setback going forward. If you have the slightest feeling that your SO may hold you back from dealing with it and getting where you want to be...NEXT them.

If they don't provide any value during/after a setback then you better think really hard about why you are investing your time/money/resources in them.

In a way...a setback can be a blessing because that setback may be what's required for a man to realize that he's not in a beneficial LTR.

But that's LTR stuff...marriage/engagement is another ballpark and something I'm not qualified to discuss.

Either way, if your SO is supporting you, providing comfort, or even making earnest attempts to comfort you then you probably have a decent SO but you have to be your own football coach.

It'd be foolish to think your SO should/could play that role. They want to see you "get shit done" and deal with it because that's what men do.

And when you get shit done and "deal with it" without them playing the coach/cheerleader role they will respect you more for it because it's a testament of your inner-strength (another good male virtue).

There's an element in "stoicism" in all of that too (ultimate male virtue IMO).

But then again...it all depends on the type of setback. What I just wrote above probably is more applicable to a career setback.

Loss of a loved one?

Tread carefully and rely upon your male friends for emotional support if need be or go to someone who has experienced that type of loss.

If your SO has not experienced something on that level then they're not really that useful in terms of providing consolation, understanding, and especially empathy.

If you need to be alone, tell your SO that you need to be alone.

Bottom line, IMO every setback entails trying to deal with the setback.

Here's the attitude I think one should have:

http://youtu.be/b3xvDQ5stF0

"If you're going to try...go all the way."

Cyralea · 2014-03-11T13:56:51+00:00

You can never use your SO as emotional support, and I'd go so far as to argue that you can't even afford to drop your frame around her when you're grieving. Most women wouldn't leave a man over it, but don't kid yourself, she's not attracted to you while this is happening.

When I lost my grandfather I was a wreck. This was during my BP days. My girlfriend was "supportive" at first, but that's because she felt like she felt like she was being a good person for doing so. Ultimately it was about her. Later she became disgusted at how I couldn't "man up" and "deal with it".

Going to the gym didn't help, it was hard to get through it as my brain was preoccupied with my grampa. The thing that really worked for me was playing competitive sports and games with my close male friends. The drive to compete consumed me and distracted me from my grief. When everyone was just saying their token words, these are the guys who actually got me through it.

Having a solid male social network is invaluable. Every man should aim to build one up. Worth more than any amount of money you can earn in a lifetime.

peopleofthepine · 2014-03-11T04:38:59+00:00

Or perhaps the key is turning off your emotions or at least tamping them down? Can you learn not to give a shit? How does that even work?

I prefer going somewhere I can be alone for 30 to 60 minutes. Someplace quite and peaceful. Then I sit perfectly still and try my best to think of absolutely nothing. I can't really completely quiet my mind but I try not to actively think. Then I let whatever thoughts ebb and flow. I can come up with some interesting thoughts this way and after practice it's easier to revisit that relaxed state of mind later. More importantly, when my frame is tested, I try my best to recall that state. It's never as relaxed but it is much better than I have been able to do without it. It's almost like recalling something you've memorized but will slip away with time. The fresher it is on your mind, the easier it is to recall.

redpillsforlunch · 2014-03-11T21:24:15+00:00

Play some angry music and go for a run. Climb a tree. Lift some weights. Reconnecting with the hunter mindset always brings calm for me.

HeadingRed · 2014-03-12T20:48:13+00:00

"Related to this, can a RP man ever rely on his SO for emotional support?"

Rely, no. Get it occasionally- yes. Ask for it- never. Refuse it often- she needs to know you don't need her for this. Early on refuse it almost always.

Example- about 25 years ago my grandfather died. I found this out in the presence of others and gave instructions not to mention to my GF at the time. This was told to her anyways. I did not let her know I knew. She came over for the weekend, could tell she was looking for a sign. Did not bring it up until Sunday morning after we had already done the date weekend dinner\sex\ breakfast\sex thing.

Was one of those moments of unintentional TRP.

Beardsman2 · 2014-03-11T10:29:00+00:00

I think this is were brothers, friends and parents become really important. They are the shoulders that you need to cry on. I know that with my best mates and my brothers I can be as vulnerable as a want, tell them my inner most thoughts and doubts and they won't judge me and they won't hold it against me and will basically love me no matter what. I wouldn't ever be that vulnerable to a wife or girlfriend.

Title	Techniques for maintaining your frame in the face of tragedy and adversity- lots more questions than answers
Author	BluepillProfessor
Upvotes	14
Comments	14
Date	March 11, 2014 3:31 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/203ymy/techniques_for_maintaining_your_frame_in_the_face/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/techniques-for-maintaining-your-frame-in-the-face.12450 https://theredarchive.com/post/12450