I’ve been working to create a guide for better conversations and I wanted to share some of the tips and suggestions I’ve found. I’d also love to hear from people if they have other advice to add. I hope this gives a good overview that people find easy to remember and usable.

Before you approach, gather as much information as you can.

  • Keep the Venue in mind and act appropriately. (The grocery is different from the club.)
  • Observe the other person’s dress, what they are doing, body language, etc.
  • Is there an opportunity for a conversation here? Is there a reason to be talking?
  • Understand why you are attracted to this person. What’s interesting about them and why do you want to speak with them? The answer will likely turn into the wording for your approach opener.
  • Once the conversation has started, keep gathering more information. Watch body language and practice active listening so you can pick up on clues and future ideas.

Approach Openers - There tends to be 3 major conversational types:

  • Making a statement: “This place is amazing. Every time I come here I see something new.”
  • Asking a question or requesting an opinion: “What’s going on with those people? Have you all ever had the food here and is it any good?”
  • Giving a compliment: “You have such a dark adventurous look. I really like it.”

Conversational Techniques

  • Ask open-ended questions that don’t have simple yes or no responses. This takes some practice but it’s a hugely useful tool. “What motivates you to do that?” “ Can you give me an example?”
  • Elicit emotional responses. Don’t talk about boring facts but instead focus on emotions - because emotions help turn a conversation into an experience. Combine this with your open-ended questions. “How did that make you feel?”
  • Conversational Threading: As the conversations gets started, learn to guide it. If something comes up that is negative or not what you want to explore, cut the thread and shift the topic. Feel free to start new threads in new directions. Strengthen the threads where you find you have shared interest.
  • Cold readings and making educated guesses are wonderful ways to both explore who someone is and to establish “labels”. “You sound like someone who really values their friends. Who would do anything for them. Is that right?”
  • Don’t be afraid to get personal with your conversation. Most people want something deeper than small talk.
  • Most flirting conversations are about finding commonalities and shared interests and then figuring out how to team up to explore them together. This could be going to see a movie, setting up a coffee date to chat more, or meeting for an activity. Always be on the lookout for things you share and can do together.