I posted on this subreddit over the summer and you all made me realize that perhaps I am not a total lost cause, and that one day I might actually be able to interact with women I find attractive.

I didn’t start approaching women, but I followed All The Other Advice - I started working out seriously, paying more attention to my haircut and clothes, and going to therapy - all of which has done wonders for my self-esteem and general mental state. I also spent too-many hours reading this forum and other seduction material, which I’m beginning to think was actually quite bad for me.

But in general, things have seemed to be improving for me. With the college semester finally over I decided that it might be almost time to try talking to a girl. So, for the first time, I actually went out this weekend with two of my friends. Me, going out to bars! Who would have ever thought? When I turned 21 in October I figured most of my drinking would be alone, but I actually went out this weekend. And you know what? It was a fun vibe. I may even go out again someday.

I was totally crushed, though, by my complete lack of courage and the overall weakness of my mind. One of my buddies is what you call a natural, and while the other struggles a bit more with girls he sure as hell has more confidence than I.

It was pretty depressing watching my friends get hit on while I got ignored, and having to stand awkwardly on the sidelines of somebody else’s conversation until I finally drifted away to lean on a wall and read bad news about Palestine.

Unsurprisingly, I turned out to be an absolute failure. I never actually approached anybody. Every girl I talked to was just a friend of a girl that one of my friends was talking to, one who obviously wanted nothing to do with me.

A low point was when one girl literally got up and walked away from me. It was truly, truly disheartening. I was awfully depressed after that and started reverting back to a lot of my old ‘everyone hates me and I’m gonna be lonely forever’ attitude, and I only saved myself with some strategies I learned in therapy. Turns out therapy can be super beneficial. Who knew?

There were a few other brief conversations with girls that ended because I literally couldn’t get anything to come out of my stupid mouth. I was so anxious. So anxious. And years worth of pickup bullshit was swimming in my head and overwhelming my mind.

I couldn’t think of the right things to say, even though I’ve read post after post about conversational topics and how to flirt. I guess I can’t do any of that. I was afraid of being boring and unoriginal by asking about school or work or family or whatever else people talk about that I couldn’t think of anything to say.

All the stuff I read about outcome independence, ‘inner game’, how rejection has nothing to do with me - none of that has done a thing for me. I still felt like shit. I felt like a failure and I still do now, and the mantras are beginning to lose their effectiveness.

I also learned that I have no problem talking to random dudes, which is totally disheartening. While my friends were out there shooting their shot with cute girls I got caught up in a very deep conversation with a guy about Nietzche and Kierkegaard. Not that I don’t love talking about existentialism, but I’m lonely and sexually frustrated. I want to talk to girls. I’m too much of a coward, I guess.

My friends struck out a hell of a lot, but at least they tried. I did nothing. I’m really afraid that I just can’t do this. At one point we went to a street party and some girl started talking to me. That was the closest thing I had to an actual successful conversation and it was still awful. Turns out she was just waiting for her friend and promptly forgot about me upon her arrival.

At the same party I ended up making friends with another random dude and he basically physically forced me to approach two super cute girls with him. We had a very brief conversation before, once again, getting totally ignored.

I don’t want to resign myself to the fact that I simply can’t talk to girls but I’m really beginning to feel like that’s the case. None of them liked me. Will anybody ever be interested in me? Will a girl ever look at me the way they’ve looked at my friends?

I just want to have fun and talk to cute girls. I didn’t have any fun, ended up disappointed in myself, and hardly spoke to anybody. I guess what I’m asking is whether or not it’s worth it to keep trying? I’d love some advice on getting myself to actually work up the nerve to walk up to somebody and talk to them, but I feel like I’ve read it all many times. I tried to use the five second rule, but I just end up counting down to a moment of cowardice.

It just never seems like the right thing to do. They’re always talking to somebody or in the middle of something, and I know that’s just an excuse but it seems valid in the moment. I frankly don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do now. What do I do now? What do I need to change? It was fun to be out with my friends but I feel pretty down about the whole girls thing. I just wish I were less of a coward. How can I be less of a coward?